Love & Respect from your spouses perspective

The topic of Love and Respect is one Rock Solid Families has covered before. But this time we are approaching it from two very different perspectives - A husband’s perspective and a wife’s perspective.

Understanding what love and respect mean to your spouse is like learning an entirely new language. Things you thought you understood may come back to only cause more confusion and conflict. Emerson Eggerich, author of the book Love and Respect, explains that the different languages between husbands and wives are not necessarily right or wrong, they are just different. The key to success in the relationship is understanding the language differences and how to be a better interpreter.

Ladies, when it comes to understanding our man's perspective of love & respect, we can follow the language of the C.H.A.I.R.S:

C – Conquest & compliments. Men want to conquer, or overcome, something. Saying things like, “I really appreciate how hard you work to make sure our family is taken care of” means a lot to them. Men have a natural desire to provide for their family. Wives, if you are the bread winner, focus of how well he takes care of the kids, his handiwork projects, etc. Compliment your man’s work not only to him, but also in front of other people. Fill his desire to be the knight in shining armor.

H – Hierarchy. This is the level of position or authority. Biblically, the man is the head of the wife like Christ is the church. He is the last step of authority when it comes to raising and disciplining kids. If women dismiss the man’s authority, the man will start to pull away from situations where he feels his decisions and authority is being questioned or taken away, and he will shut down. Women, empower your man to feel like they are the provider, protector and spiritual leader.  

A – Authority. Don’t undermine, or take his voice away in the household. This runs hand in hand with hierarchy. If a man is not doing a good job with his authority (cowering, easily manipulated by kids, etc.) he’s not being firm. Encourage your husband to be the authority. And if you don’t agree with something he is doing or saying, work it out privately so kids don’t think you are questioning their dads’ authority.

I – Insight. Insight that a man brings to the decision-making process. (perspective) Don’t think your ideas or thoughts are more important or always right. Bickering over things that don’t really matter, or are simply your preferences won’t get you anywhere. Allow the back and forth, but allow his input. Don’t demean or dismiss his input/ thoughts, or this shuts him out and he doesn’t want to participate in conversation anymore. If you need him to just listen, tell him you just want him to listen, or else he will try to fix it.

R – Relationship. Beyond being married, are you friends? Do you value our time together? Do you connect on a variety of interest? Kids cannot be your only glue! Find something you have in common to enjoy together. She sheds and man caves are dangerous – it brings disconnection because often men and women will retreat to these places and it gives a message you don’t want anyone else in your space. Time together is encouraged. Men are okay with shoulder-to-shoulder relationship, which is having their wife sitting near them and not even necessarily talking, just simply being nearby.

S – Sexuality. God wired us differently, Thank God! Work out what healthy intimacy looks like for your marriage. Discuss this with your husband and come up with a plan that’s maintainable and healthy. This could be daily or 2-3 times a week. Ladies, it is important that you try to initiate more often and respond more joyfully. I know, you’re saying “It’s hard sometimes!”, But acknowledge that there are temptations, and you should support him intimately to keep his eyes and temptations towards you. Just acknowledge that you want to be intimate and will work with him on doing so in a way that works for both of you.

Men, you’re probably nodding your head in agreeance after reading through the CHAIRS acrostic, but now you’re in the hot seat! How do you make sure your wife feels loved & respected? When it comes to speaking our wife’s language of Love & Respect, we should follow the acrostic COUPLE:

C – Closeness. This could look as simple as hand holding in public. Don’t dismiss your woman wanting to feel connected, or that your lady might want you to be proud of being with her. Physical touch should NOT always lead to sexual engagement.  Non-sexual touches carry great values with the ladies.

O – Openness. This is when a woman feels confident in knowing how YOU feel. You being open with her about your feelings, and communicating so she doesn’t have to guess is important. On the flip side, she wants you to ask her how she is doing and feeling also. Ladies & Gents, pick your time wisely – don’t ask these types of questions as he is walking out the door, or as she is falling asleep.

U – Understanding. Women need men to understand and empathize with them. Show that you appreciate all we do. In episode # 307 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda use the example of Christmas dinner… Typically the woman will cook, clean the house, do the shopping, wrap everyone’s gifts, and the man might carve the turkey. Women, you can’t assume that men know what else needs to be done, so be open and tell them how they can help.

P – Peacemaking. Men, just admitting when you are wrong can make a huge difference. Acknowledge when you are wrong or mess up, but also offer forgiveness when your wife has messed up or is wrong. It goes a long way. “Just own it!” – Jocko Willink. If you say sorry, you need to also change your actions – that’s the difference between peace making and peace keeping.

L – Loyalty. Women feel loyalty from men when they don’t look at other women, watch pornography, when they speak positively to them and about them. If you as a man are bouncing eyes at other women, throwing your wife under the bus, threatening / joking about divorce, poking fun at her expense… it undermines the feeling of loyalty. Women want to feel like you aren’t going anywhere. Women feel loved when they feel that their men are loyal. Loyalty = Security.

E – Esteem. This is when wives feel treasured, honored, cherished. Be her cheer leader, verbally support her, honor her, praise her, make her feel valued. The opposite of this would look like you throwing her under the bus, making her the bud of all your jokes. Eventually it will wear her down and she won’t feel that same honor or praise of being your wife.

Check out the 2-episode series “love & respect” on the Rock Solid Families Podcast to get more in depth about how husbands and wives can best show their love & respect for each other. Episode one covers this topic from the man's perspective, talking about how husbands interpret the language of love and respect and how the ladies can do better to understand his language. Episode two covers the topic from the woman's perspective, and how her interpretation of love and respect is different than the men, but not in a better or worse way. You can listen to both episodes by clicking HERE!

Are you Having an Emotional Affair?: How to Recognize and Prevent Emotional Affairs in Your Marriage.

Often when people think of an affair, they think of something physical. But lurking around every corner is an opportunity for emotional affairs. They seem innocent on the surface, but they can be extremely damaging.

An emotional affair is a close or intimate relationship with someone outside of your marriage. Typically you share your thoughts and emotions with this person, you have common likes/dislikes, or you may tell them about your dreams, secrets, and fantasies. This emotional attachment can quickly turn into something more, as It creates thoughts of, “wow! This person is special or different than my spouse.” You are in it deep when that person starts to take up a lot of your heart and head space.

Jesus warns us about this in the Bible. In Matthew 5:27-28 is says “You have heard that it was said ‘You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

So what are the signs of an emotional affair and what can we do to safeguard our hearts and prevent emotional affairs from affecting our marriages? These guidelines below are for any couple who wants to protect their marriage, not just people who have experienced an affair within their marriage.

Signs of an emotional affair and why they are dangerous:

• Mind shift- This person begins to occupy space in your mind.  Your thoughts, dreams, and even fantasies begin to include them, and its almost always at the expense of excluding your spouse.

• Time Shift- This is when you crave to be around the other person, and you start to change where you spend your time. Often you are wherever the other person is… the gym, work, etc. This leads to prioritizing time with the other person over your spouse.

• Emotional Shift- You crave a deeper connection with the other person and start to care about them more than you do a friend or co-worker. Emotions start to develop and they are fuel to the emotional affair fire, motivating us to spend our time and energy on this person. It is in this shift that emotions get harder and harder to resist.

• Intimacy Shift- You are now desiring to be involved with this person in the deepest parts of your life. Going on adventures together, being in a relationship, and fantasizing of sexual activities.

The shifting process happens quickly, and it is like quicksand. It is a dangerous situation to be in with someone who isn’t your spouse, especially if the other person involved is unaware of your thoughts and feelings towards them. That puts everyone in an awkward position.

How to prevent emotional affairs:

• Stop walking in the denial. See the situation for what it is versus telling yourself “Its not that big of a deal”.

• Don’t be ignorant: Just because you aren’t having feelings or fantasies about someone, doesn’t mean they aren’t taking your relationship the wrong way. You offering a listening ear, or inviting that specific co-worker to lunch could indicate to them that you are interested in pursuing a closer relationship.
  

How to protect yourself and your marriage from emotional affairs:

• Prioritize your spouse: Make regular time for them - whether it’s date nights or meaningful conversations.

• Maintain open communication: Be open and honest in your communication with your spouse. Are you doing a daily check-in to see how they are doing or how their day was? Communication is key and check-ins can make your spouse feel heard, appreciated, and cared for.

• Set healthy boundaries: Establish boundaries with friends, co-workers, and people of the opposite sex. Think of it as putting up a picket fence up around your marriage - no one can get in without going through the gate. Be a good “gatekeeper”! You can also follow the “Billy Graham Rule”, which is something some spouses practice by not allowing themselves to dine, travel, or go out to an event with a person of the opposite sex without their spouse with them. This eliminates the chances for the emotional attachment to grow in an unhealthy way, and it prevents people from talking about you if they see you in public with another man or woman.

• Nurture your marriage: Invest in activities that strengthen your bond with your spouse - feed into each other. This could look like going to the movies, participating in your spouse’s hobbies, dinner out or at home, etc.

• Seek Help: Not from your family and friends, who tend to take sides in situations like this. Seek professional help from someone who can call you out, tell you what you NEED to hear, and help you work through it.

Matthew 19: 4-6 says, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Separation causes wounds, and when a marriage is separated due to an emotional affair, people get hurt.

Our Challenge to you is to give yourself an honest assessment of your thoughts. Where are they at? Who are you thinking about?

To hear more on this topic and to learn more about protecting our marriage from emotional affairs, listen to episode 289 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast.

On this episode, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson of Rock Solid Families dive deeper into the topic of emotional affairs, provide realistic examples of what it may look like in your marriage, and elaborate on how to protect your marriage from the damaging effects.

To hear more content related to family, marriage, and relationships, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcast.

Are We Teaching Our Kids to be Consumers or Producers?

We are all naturally both a consumer and a producer, but our mindset determines what energy we put back into the world around us - Are we a giver or a taker? It is easy to be consumer-minded with all of the instant gratification and access to all sorts of resources at our fingertips. (Think Amazon same day or next day delivery…talk about on-demand! )

Our kids are also experiencing this commercialized consumer mindset. They tend to demand more and more as they get older, trying to stay on top of the trendiest shoes and clothing, “needing” a new car on their sixteenth birthday, wanting more freedom, and the list goes on. But what they don’t always think about is that these demands and freedoms come with having more responsibilities. By giving in to our children’s every demand and desire, we are encouraging a consumer mindset, avoiding their responsibilities, and setting them up for failure.

As parents, it is our job to help them understand what is involved with their wants and needs. How much something costs, the time needed to make it happen, necessary resources, etc. This teaching should start in the leadership season of parenting, when children are between the ages of 3 - 13, and be reinforced during the mentoring season (Ages 13-18).

In episode # 288 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson provide us with 10 simple ways we can ensure we are raising producers (givers/servers) and not consumers (takers).

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1.) Make sure you are unified as parents.
It is important to be on the same page as your spouse and make sure that the family values are established. Oftentimes kids will try to put mom and dad against each other, and when it falters, it can lead to resentment between parents and becomes more of a marital issue than a parenting issue.

2.) State what you want for your kids.
Not in the current moment, but in the long run. Who do you want them to be when they are around the age of 18-21? What do you want them to be like?

3.) Teach them the importance of contributing to the family.
Whether it is doing daily or weekly chores, helping set up or clean up the dinner table, or attending family outings or activities. Family comes first and its beneficial to reflect on how their actions affect the family as a whole - is it impactful or hurtful?

4.) Let your kids know the cost of things that they consume and what it takes for you to provide those things.
Don’t use this to guilt them or when you have given something or done something as a gift. Instead, use this to teach them the cost of items in terms of hours of work or time spent to achieve the goal.

5.) Encourage opportunities for them to be responsible.
Simple chores offer opportunities for children to be held responsible and are a great way to start contributing to the greater good of the family unit. Whether it is feeding the dog, taking out the trash, doing the dishes, or cleaning their rooms, it helps them see the world outside of themselves, and how what they do impacts not just themselves, but others around them.

6.) Teach them to serve and give while using their time, talents, and treasures.
Serving others with your time and talents helps create leaders! If you aren’t sure what your gifts or talents are, you can take this spiritual gifts assessment and it will provide you with ways that you might enjoy or excel at while serving others.

7.) Teach them to appreciate the things they have.
We can’t expect our children to naturally have an appreciation for the things they have. We need to teach them to appreciate their things by taking care of our stuff and being thankful. This can be taught by making sure they have some investment in the things they have. This could look like them saving up to help pay for an expensive electronic they really want, cleaning their car (inside and out!), or cleaning up and selling that dirt bike they just HAD to have 2 months after buying it because it wasn’t as fun as they thought it would be.

8.) Don’t do things for them that they are capable of doing themselves - Yes, I’m talking to you too, Moms!
It’s so easy to fall into this trap of doing things for our children because it’ll get done quicker, it’ll get done correctly, and it will get done the first time we ask. But children are usually capable of doing more than we think. I challenge you to stretch what you think they are capable of and then ask them to do it. If we do everything for them, they won’t learn to do things for themselves and will be stuck in this consumer mindset thinking that “someone else will do it.” or “its not my job to do that.”

9.) Give them examples of people who have chosen a dominant life as consumers as well as those who have chosen to be producers.
The story of Elvis Presley comes to mind on this one. On the outside, he seemed to have it all together - he had the fame and the fortune. He was well-known and well-liked by his fans but behind the scenes, he was narcissistic and rude to his staff and crew. Turns out, he grew up poor and with an overprotective mom who did everything for him as a way of her coping with the loss of another child.

10.) Let them know that you did not invent this function of parenting.  It was invented by Christ!
Mark 10:45 says, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for man.” It is God’s will for us to live a life like Jesus and for Jesus. Jesus was the perfect example of how we should live, and if he lived to serve others, we should too!

Click HERE to watch the full episode from Rock Solid Families on raising producers verses consumer.

For more content on topics of faith, family and fitness, subscribe to Rock Solid Families Podcast on youtube or listen on apple podcast and spotify.

Bring Out the Best in Your Spouse

Marriage was created by God and it is meant to be a blessing. Some days marriage can be harder than others, but scripture instructs us on how to be the best spouse we can be, even when it is difficult.

Merrill and Linda dive into the books of Ephesians, 1 Corinthians, James, and Matthew to teach us different ways we can bring out the best in our spouse, which ultimately brings out the best in your marriage. If you listen to episode # 284 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, you may even get to hear them banter back and forth about their own marriage experiences as well. ;)

Here are 6 ways you can bring the best out in your spouse:

1.) Recognize you are on the same team and are equal players in this endeavor. Ephesians 5 tells us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband. You are in this marriage together, on one team. Without love and respect, the team can’t collaborate effectively.

2.) 1 Corinthians 12 states just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. You must focus on your spouse's strengths. You have a choice on what you will focus on when it comes to your spouse, and If you choose to focus on their shortcomings and weaknesses, that is all you will see. Praise them for the good they do, for their strengths. After all, what is praised, is repeated!

3.) Effective communication - James 1:19 says everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Merrill and Linda recommend having a conversation with your spouse for at least 10-15 minutes a day. During that check-in you should validate that you are hearing your spouse by acknowledging what they say and do not give advice unless you are asked for it. Instead ask, “How can I help?” or “What do you need from me?” Once that check-in is over, you should be able to walk away with a sense of HOW your spouse is truly doing.

4.) Be your best! Instead of focusing on what your partner is or is not doing, focus on what you can do better to be the best version of yourself, not just for you, but also for your spouse. When focusing on being the best version of yourself, access yourself in the following 3 categories:

- Spiritual Growth - Are you practicing to be more Christ-like?
- Physical Growth - Are you taking care of your body? Are you healthy? Are you fit? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Are you attractive to your spouse?
- Personal Growth - Are you stretching and challenging yourself in your desires and gifts? Practicing a hobby or taking a new class?

5.) Love them the way they want to be Loved, and learn what makes them feel respected and valuable. This is easier when you know your partner’s Love Language. Is it acts of service? Words of affirmation? Getting gifts? If you don’t know your partner’s love language, we highly encourage you to find out.

6.) Build your life and your relationships on something that is ROCK SOLID. Without a firm foundation that is solid or unshakable, you run the risk of things falling apart pretty quickly. You tend to look out for #1 and focus inward on yourself.  It’s like building your life on sinking sand. The first wave hits and suddenly things are washed away. What are the values you are building your marriage and family on? Is it a strong Christian faith? Even if you are not a person of faith or a church-goer, we still challenge you to give it a try. Start building your life and relationships on something solid like integrity, honesty, faithfulness, kindness, dependability, good work ethic, etc. It not only will bring out the best in your spouse, but yourself as well.

With Christ as the cornerstone of your relationships, you will have a common and firm foundation. Just like the wise builder in Matthew 7, with a foundation built on Christ, your house will not fall. As you grow in your relationship together, we encourage you to pray together and practice forgiveness and grace, just like God does with the Church.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH the Rock Solid Families Podcast episode on Bringing out the best in your spouse here.

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Time for Some Marriage Spring Cleaning

Every Spring, I get the bug to do some spring cleaning. I love to open my windows and let the fresh air in. The problem with that is I also have to take the time to wipe away all the cobwebs and bugs that have found a way in between the screens and windows over the cold winter months. There also seems to be a layer of dust and grime that settles on the windowsills too. Please say you have experienced this too. I can’t be the only one?

Well, the spring is also a great time to clean away the dirt and bugs that can “rot” away at our marriage. Some of these things can be like termites that quickly do extreme damage, and other things are more like a slow fade of the relationship. Either way, it’s time for some spring cleaning. 

Transparency is critical in growing a healthy marriage especially if trust has been broken before. Trust is the glue that holds a relationship together. Take the time NOW to get rid of the things that could keep it from growing and being healthy. 

Here are five basics to help with your Marriage Spring Cleaning:

1. Spend at  least 15 minutes a day of uninterrupted time talking to your spouse. Take the time to not just ask them what happened in their day but how they are doing. Intimacy is built when each spouse feels heard and understood. Don’t let bitterness or resentment build up like that grime on my window sill. 

2. Protect your relationship from other outside forces that want to beat against your house and try to steal your time and attention. Whether it be a whiny child, an overworking boss or a flirtatious neighbor, keep your marriage protected and kept it as top priority in your life. 

3. Be a united front when it comes to kids, finances, faith, future, etc. A house divided against itself can not stand. If you come to an impasse on a topic, get some outside help to resolve the problem so the “bugs” of division and bitterness don’t creep in and destroy your relationship. 

4. Think and speak positively about one another whether you’re together or not. Praise and affirm your spouse on a regular basis and you’ll make coming home to you that much more enjoyable.

5. Have fun together. A family that plays together stays together. Life can’t always be serious and hard. Life today can be very stressful, and you want your house to be a house of peace and joy. As the weather gets nicer, spend time outdoors together. Go for a walk. Take the kids to a park. Work on a project together in the yard. 

So there you have it. Five quick things you can do TODAY to spruce up your marriage and get it ready for a season of joy and peace. Of course, there are so many other, but these are just five quick things you can do that can have quite a positive impact on your future relationships.  Again, if these things seem impossible or out of reach for you, get some outside help. There is HOPE for a better tomorrow no matter how much damage or “rot” has occurred in your relationships. Take the time now to get rid of any residual hurt or issue in your marriage, so your relationship has the best chance to grow and bloom into something beautiful this year. 

New Beginnings for Ben and Emily

As we wrap up 2022 and welcome in the new year, we wanted to introduce you to two of our recent clients as they share some reflections from their time at Rock Solid Families and as they begin their new life together as husband and wife. Walking alongside engaged couples like Ben and Emily through our PREPARE premarital program is probably one of the favorite things we do. It’s exciting to meet couples like Ben and Emily who want to invest in their life together and put God as the center of their relationship. 

Even though they had dated for a long time and were looking forward to their October 2022 wedding, Ben and Emily still wanted to build a rock solid foundation as husband and wife. They wanted to learn new tools to grow deeper personally and as a couple. Rock Solid Families is here to help couples do just that. Meet Ben and Emily and hear a little bit more of their story…

1. Tell us a little bit about you two and how you met. Long story short, we met each other when we were kids. We met again later in life through mutual friends in 2013 when we were both 17 years old. 

2. What brought you to Rock Solid Families to start with? We were referred through our friend, David Vaughn. We knew we wanted to have the tools to build a solid marriage. We also wanted to grow personally as individuals and together as a couple. 

3. What were some of the things you learned about marriage, each other, about the importance of faith, etc during PREPARE?  When you have been with one another for so long, you might think that you know everything about the other person. And that may be true, but after diving in we found out more about ourselves individually and how we can best serve each other and God in our marriage. We learned healthy communication habits, how we wanted to work together for our financial goals, and how to keep "dating" each other even when you are married or have been together for as long as we have. The most important thing that we learned is to keep God at the center of our life.  

1. Any surprises about your work in PREPARE? Not any that we couldn't work through or talk openly about. That's the secret to a healthy marriage in our opinion - be honest and open with your partner. Even after being together for so long, there are moments in life that you can't anticipate on our own without some guidance. PREPARE was able to bring these situations to light and allowed us to develop the tools we will need to have later on to continue supporting each other through both good times and bad.

2. Would you recommend Rock Solid Families to others?   Absolutely! We were very blessed to have the opportunity to go through this program. We are also more than happy to chat with couples who may be on the fence! 

3. What would you say to any couple who are wanting to start a life together? Marriage is a team effort! Your team is best when you have support, good communication, honesty, and looking out for the others' best interest. Marriage isn't always easy and neither is life. But if you know that your teammate has your back at the end of the day, it makes the hard days a little bit easier. We would also say to invest in each other. That could mean pre-martial counseling, dating each other, financial planning, praying together, etc. Love is an action word! You have to show it, not just say it.  

4. What are you two looking forward to in 2023?  Spending our first full married year together! We also are on the hunt to become dog parents.  

Breaking Free from Abuse

Hanging on the wall in my office is one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received from a client. We’ll call her Natalie to protect her and her family. Natalie gave me this beautiful hand painted picture a while back of two girlfriends standing side by side to thank me for walking alongside her during some of her darkest days. It’s a gift I will always treasure as a reminder of HOPE and God’s healing power.

Feeling Like There’s No Way Out
I have had the privilege of walking alongside so many women over the past 30 years who like Natalie are dealing with very difficult and sometimes abusive situations. Made to feel worthless and unlovable through their abuser’s power and control over them, these women often stay in very unhealthy relationships thinking there is no other alternative. Most often it’s coming from a spouse, but I’ve also seen this kind of unhealthy abusive relationship with a parent, boyfriend, or even a sibling.

Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes
My goal is to help women see themselves as God sees them instead of only through the lens of their abuser. It’s hard for women coming out of abusive relationships to break free and find their inner voice and identity in Christ. That was true for Natalie. After leaving her abusive husband, this young mom had to be super intentional about surrounding herself with healthy women who would speak the truth in love to her. This was NOT the time for her to jump back into dating again or get emotionally caught up with another man. She had a lot of healing to do. She had to first receive God’s love and find her worth and value through God’s eyes, not another man’s. 

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
It’s important for all of us to learn what healthy relationships look like, but it’s especially important for those in abusive ones. Otherwise, the cycle of abuse continues and is passed down to the next generation. At first, the abuser is usually very charming but persuasive slowly exerting more and more control over their victim. After a while, the abuser may try and isolate their victim convincing them to quit their job or pull away from family and friends. If a victim pushes back, an abuser will often use their kids or other family members against her to make her feel guilty or crazy. This is called “gaslighting”. It's hard for women in abusive relationships to not just “give in” and go back into those unhealthy patterns without any help or healing.  They have spent years, sometimes even decades, under the power and control of their abuser to a point where it becomes “normal” and in a strange way even “comfortable”.  

Creating New Healthy Patterns
It’s hard for both the abuser and victim to understand, but it’s near to impossible for help and healing to occur after abuse while both are under the same roof. Most often, a physical separation and a considerable amount of time is needed for new, healthy patterns to be learned and trusted. Often, the most dangerous point in the relationship is when the woman says she is leaving. Feeling his power and control slipping away, the abuser will often escalate things to dangerous threats and physical violence trying to convince the victim to stay. 

Feeling Safe and Loved Again
Natalie shares, “I was finally able to break free from all those years of not feeling worthy of being loved. I am now able to receive love and see myself the way God sees me. I have learned how to use my voice in a positive, healthy way and surround myself with a circle of healthy people. I have slowly learned how to be vulnerable again with safe people. When I look at the mountain of blessings God has given me since breaking free, it gives me hope for tomorrow. Even when the enemy tries to worm his way in, I have hope because God is fighting my battles for me and he has already won.”

Need to Break Free from Abuse?
If you need help breaking free from an abusive relationship, please reach out. You can contact us at 812-576-ROCK. If we can’t help you directly, we will connect you with someone who can. If you are experiencing physical abuse or feel unsafe in your home, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline immediately at 1-800-799-7233. There is HOPE and HELP available. 

The Insanity of Arguing

It may not be Google’s definition, but it’s the one we use in our house. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Turns out that isn’t just a saying in the Hutchinson house, but a quote by Albert Einstein. I wonder if Einstein has been listening in on some of our families’ conversations?

When Your Buttons Are Pushed
Why do we keep having the same argument over and over again? “I asked you to put those shoes on the shelf a hundred times.” “I can’t take this yelling one more day!”  Why do we let our spouse or that coworker get under our skin over and over again? It’s like they know how to push that ONE button that just sets us off every time. It’s frustrating, exhausting and let’s face it-insane!

The Blue Pants Fight
What if I told you there is a way to get off the crazy train? What if there was a way to avoid the insanity that comes with those arguments you seem to keep having over and over again. Months after our wedding day, Merrill and I had one of the biggest fights we would ever have in our 34+ yrs of marriage. It was all over a pair of men’s royal blue pants that were too good to pass up, and I do mean BRIGHT ROYAL BLUE! Despite Merrill’s repeated NOs, I took it upon myself to purchase the blue pants for him while he was trying on other clothes. Needless to say, the insanity began with yelling some ugly “choice words”, pants throwing, and two very angry “adults” storming out of the store. We left the sales lady hanging and probably wondering, “what was THAT all about?”

Bubbling Underneath The Surface
What WAS that all about? Why the intense reaction from my husband over a blue pair of pants? The truth is we weren’t arguing about pants at all. That argument was really all about control, and it wasn’t the first time it had happened. It wasn’t the first time I had disrespected my husband’s NO and trumped his opinion with my own. It wasn’t the first time my husband felt like I was trying to control him. But as two young newlyweds, we had not yet learned the tools to repair a conflict or resolve an issue before it blew. 

Resolving Conflict God’s Way
So let me save you the embarrassment we felt over 34 years ago, by giving you some very practical tools to implement TODAY with anyone you come into conflict with. 

1. ASSESS-Ask yourself.  Where is this emotion coming from? What’s really underneath this anger or bitterness? Anger is a secondary emotion that warns you of a deeper offense.

2. TIMEOUT-Recognize your emotions and call for a timeout in order to settle your mind and heart. Nothing good happens when we are trying to resolve conflict in the heat of the moment.

3. REVISIT-Ask to revisit the discussion within 24 hours speaking the truth with love, respect, and gentleness. Don’t brush your hurt under the rug. It only gets bigger later. (Thus the Blue Pants!)

4.  APOLOGIZE FIRST-Own your part of the conflict first even if you feel like you were only 5% responsible and they were 95% of the problem. Lead with an apology or a thank you to drop the defenses down of the other person.  Lead with “I” statements instead of pointing fingers and accusing them. Don’t tack your excuse on the back end of your half hearted apology either. It won’t get you anywhere. Insanity begins when you lead with “YOU ALWAYS…or YOU NEVER…”. Instead say something like  “I am sorry I disrespected your NO. I should have listened to what you wanted”. “I am sorry I blew up at you and embarrassed you in the store. That was wrong of me.” OR “You work your butt off for our family. You deserve to pick your own clothes out.”

5. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND-Do more listening than you do talking. Ask follow up questions to make sure you have clarity to what was really going on inside the other person. The Bible says we are to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” James 1:19. Make sure you drill down below the surface and get to the root of the anger and hurt early in the conflict so it doesn’t grow into something ugly.  “I’m hurt because I feel disrespected”.  “So what I hear you say is you are hurt, because you feel like I am trying to control you?”  Stay in the present. One thing at a time. That’s why this is so important, so things don’t build up and then blow up down the road. Don’t drag in past hurts. It only shuts down the other person.

6. ASK- Ask the other person. “How can I help this from happening again?” “What do you need from me?” Be sincere in your request. That’s how you keep the argument from being repeated over and over again. Include the other person in the solution.

7. CHANGE BEHAVIOR-Make an effort to correct the behavior and avoid the insanity from happening again. Be quick to catch yourself before the other person does. If you mess up, own it immediately and apologize for it. 

8. EXTEND GRACE-Be generous with forgiveness and grace.  No one is perfect.  Recognize you both are flawed humans working to resolve conflict God's way. 

Because conflict is a two way street, there is no guarantee that the issue will be forever resolved, but following these steps will give YOU personal and lasting peace. Be faithful to God’s way of resolving conflict and stay away from the insanity of meaningless arguments.  You’ll be so happy you did!

Click HERE to watch Episode 163 of Rock Solid Radio, Insanity - Arguing about the Same Thing, Again!

Click HERE to listen to Episode 163 of Rock Solid Radio, Insanity - Arguing about the Same Thing, Again!

The Secret Weapon to Preventing Divorce

This past weekend we helped lead a marriage enrichment weekend with an amazing group of married couples from our local area. It was so encouraging seeing couples there married more than 40-50 years as well as just a year or two. There were couples representing first marriages, second marriages, blended families, you name it. It was truly a melting pot. We laughed together, prayed together, and grew together. We were encouraged to see so many men and women wanting to strengthen and protect their marriage and family. In our time together, we shared with them the secret weapon to do both.

The Secret Weapon
Do you want peace, power, and protection for your marriage and family? Do you want the secret weapon in preventing divorce with over 99% effectiveness? Then pray together! Yep, that’s right. Less than ONE PERCENT of couples who pray together on a regular basis divorce. I don’t know of any tool that can rival that statistic, but unfortunately not many are tapping into the power.  Family Life surveyed thousands of Christian couples and found a sad and alarming statistic. You’ve probably heard one out of every two marriages end in divorce, but have you heard the statistic isn’t any better for Christian couples? Why is that? Maybe it’s because only 4% of Christian couples actually pray together on a regular basis.

Helping You Get Started
Why don’t more couples pray together? Every couple is different, but here are some suggestions that may help you get started:

1. BE POSITIVE- No throwing your spouse under the bus. Thank God out loud for your partner. Pray blessings and protection over your family. Focus on why you love them and thank God for them. It will fill the heart of your spouse and draw you closer to the Lord and each other.

2. BE BRIEF- Keep it simple and to the point. Make sure whatever routine you begin you can sustain. It’s not the time to show off your big vocabulary and flowery prayers. You want your spouse to feel comfortable with you praying out loud.

3. BE CONSISTENT - Find a daily time that works with you both and stick to it. Consistency is important but so is flexibility. If your schedule gets crazy and you have to mix it up, no worries. There are no rules.

4. BE TRANSPARENT- Don’t be afraid to share your heart with God in front of your spouse. Praying out loud alongside your spouse builds spiritual intimacy and creates a bond that cannot be easily broken. A mealtime prayer is always a great family practice, but it isn’t exactly the best time to build intimacy or transparency. You need time and privacy as a couple not a growling belly worried the food is getting cold.

5. BE PATIENT- Building spiritual intimacy takes time, but it is so worth it. God can do beautiful things with folks who seek Him above all else.

Seeing Into Your Partner’s Heart
So there you have it. My top five suggestions for praying together as a couple. After hearing those startling statistics mentioned above almost 20 years ago, my husband and I began praying together almost every evening before bed.  I’ll admit. It was awkward at first. We were used to praying rote prayers as a family not heartfelt ones out loud privately. As the spiritual leader in our home, my husband goes first and prays for me, our marriage, our family and anything else laying on his heart that day. Then I do the same. Often, we’ll share things in that prayer time we haven’t mentioned all day. It’s like seeing into the heart of my spouse. It’s also hard to harbor negative feelings and unresolved issues when we’re praying together on a regular basis.

So why not grab your spouse and start today? What do you have to lose? It may just be the tie that binds you together and draws you closer to each other and to the Lord.

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecc. 4:12

Click HERE to watch Episode 159 of Rock Solid Radio, Why Should I Pray?

Click HERE to listen to Episode 159 of Rock Solid Radio, Why Should I Pray?