Often when people think of an affair, they think of something physical. But lurking around every corner is an opportunity for emotional affairs. They seem innocent on the surface, but they can be extremely damaging.
An emotional affair is a close or intimate relationship with someone outside of your marriage. Typically you share your thoughts and emotions with this person, you have common likes/dislikes, or you may tell them about your dreams, secrets, and fantasies. This emotional attachment can quickly turn into something more, as It creates thoughts of, “wow! This person is special or different than my spouse.” You are in it deep when that person starts to take up a lot of your heart and head space.
Jesus warns us about this in the Bible. In Matthew 5:27-28 is says “You have heard that it was said ‘You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
So what are the signs of an emotional affair and what can we do to safeguard our hearts and prevent emotional affairs from affecting our marriages? These guidelines below are for any couple who wants to protect their marriage, not just people who have experienced an affair within their marriage.
Signs of an emotional affair and why they are dangerous:
Mind shift- This person begins to occupy space in your mind. Your thoughts, dreams, and even fantasies begin to include them, and its almost always at the expense of excluding your spouse.
Time Shift- This is when you crave to be around the other person, and you start to change where you spend your time. Often you are wherever the other person is… the gym, work, etc. This leads to prioritizing time with the other person over your spouse.
Emotional Shift- You crave a deeper connection with the other person and start to care about them more than you do a friend or co-worker. Emotions start to develop and they are fuel to the emotional affair fire, motivating us to spend our time and energy on this person. It is in this shift that emotions get harder and harder to resist.
Intimacy Shift- You are now desiring to be involved with this person in the deepest parts of your life. Going on adventures together, being in a relationship, and fantasizing of sexual activities.
The shifting process happens quickly, and it is like quicksand. It is a dangerous situation to be in with someone who isn’t your spouse, especially if the other person involved is unaware of your thoughts and feelings towards them. That puts everyone in an awkward position.
How to prevent emotional affairs:
Stop walking in the denial. See the situation for what it is versus telling yourself “Its not that big of a deal”.
Don’t be ignorant: Just because you aren’t having feelings or fantasies about someone, doesn’t mean they aren’t taking your relationship the wrong way. You offering a listening ear, or inviting that specific co-worker to lunch could indicate to them that you are interested in pursuing a closer relationship.
How to protect yourself and your marriage from emotional affairs:
Prioritize your spouse: Make regular time for them - whether it’s date nights or meaningful conversations.
Maintain open communication: Be open and honest in your communication with your spouse. Are you doing a daily check-in to see how they are doing or how their day was? Communication is key and check-ins can make your spouse feel heard, appreciated, and cared for.
Set healthy boundaries: Establish boundaries with friends, co-workers, and people of the opposite sex. Think of it as putting up a picket fence up around your marriage - no one can get in without going through the gate. Be a good “gatekeeper”! You can also follow the “Billy Graham Rule”, which is something some spouses practice by not allowing themselves to dine, travel, or go out to an event with a person of the opposite sex without their spouse with them. This eliminates the chances for the emotional attachment to grow in an unhealthy way, and it prevents people from talking about you if they see you in public with another man or woman.
Nurture your marriage: Invest in activities that strengthen your bond with your spouse - feed into each other. This could look like going to the movies, participating in your spouse’s hobbies, dinner out or at home, etc.
Seek Help: Not from your family and friends, who tend to take sides in situations like this. Seek professional help from someone who can call you out, tell you what you NEED to hear, and help you work through it.
Matthew 19: 4-6 says, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Separation causes wounds, and when a marriage is separated due to an emotional affair, people get hurt.
Our Challenge to you is to give yourself an honest assessment of your thoughts. Where are they at? Who are you thinking about?
To hear more on this topic and to learn more about protecting our marriage from emotional affairs, listen to episode 289 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast.
On this episode, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson of Rock Solid Families dive deeper into the topic of emotional affairs, provide realistic examples of what it may look like in your marriage, and elaborate on how to protect your marriage from the damaging effects.
To hear more content related to family, marriage, and relationships, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcast.
