Love & Respect from your spouses perspective

The topic of Love and Respect is one Rock Solid Families has covered before. But this time we are approaching it from two very different perspectives - A husband’s perspective and a wife’s perspective.

Understanding what love and respect mean to your spouse is like learning an entirely new language. Things you thought you understood may come back to only cause more confusion and conflict. Emerson Eggerich, author of the book Love and Respect, explains that the different languages between husbands and wives are not necessarily right or wrong, they are just different. The key to success in the relationship is understanding the language differences and how to be a better interpreter.

Ladies, when it comes to understanding our man's perspective of love & respect, we can follow the language of the C.H.A.I.R.S:

C – Conquest & compliments. Men want to conquer, or overcome, something. Saying things like, “I really appreciate how hard you work to make sure our family is taken care of” means a lot to them. Men have a natural desire to provide for their family. Wives, if you are the bread winner, focus of how well he takes care of the kids, his handiwork projects, etc. Compliment your man’s work not only to him, but also in front of other people. Fill his desire to be the knight in shining armor.

H – Hierarchy. This is the level of position or authority. Biblically, the man is the head of the wife like Christ is the church. He is the last step of authority when it comes to raising and disciplining kids. If women dismiss the man’s authority, the man will start to pull away from situations where he feels his decisions and authority is being questioned or taken away, and he will shut down. Women, empower your man to feel like they are the provider, protector and spiritual leader.  

A – Authority. Don’t undermine, or take his voice away in the household. This runs hand in hand with hierarchy. If a man is not doing a good job with his authority (cowering, easily manipulated by kids, etc.) he’s not being firm. Encourage your husband to be the authority. And if you don’t agree with something he is doing or saying, work it out privately so kids don’t think you are questioning their dads’ authority.

I – Insight. Insight that a man brings to the decision-making process. (perspective) Don’t think your ideas or thoughts are more important or always right. Bickering over things that don’t really matter, or are simply your preferences won’t get you anywhere. Allow the back and forth, but allow his input. Don’t demean or dismiss his input/ thoughts, or this shuts him out and he doesn’t want to participate in conversation anymore. If you need him to just listen, tell him you just want him to listen, or else he will try to fix it.

R – Relationship. Beyond being married, are you friends? Do you value our time together? Do you connect on a variety of interest? Kids cannot be your only glue! Find something you have in common to enjoy together. She sheds and man caves are dangerous – it brings disconnection because often men and women will retreat to these places and it gives a message you don’t want anyone else in your space. Time together is encouraged. Men are okay with shoulder-to-shoulder relationship, which is having their wife sitting near them and not even necessarily talking, just simply being nearby.

S – Sexuality. God wired us differently, Thank God! Work out what healthy intimacy looks like for your marriage. Discuss this with your husband and come up with a plan that’s maintainable and healthy. This could be daily or 2-3 times a week. Ladies, it is important that you try to initiate more often and respond more joyfully. I know, you’re saying “It’s hard sometimes!”, But acknowledge that there are temptations, and you should support him intimately to keep his eyes and temptations towards you. Just acknowledge that you want to be intimate and will work with him on doing so in a way that works for both of you.

Men, you’re probably nodding your head in agreeance after reading through the CHAIRS acrostic, but now you’re in the hot seat! How do you make sure your wife feels loved & respected? When it comes to speaking our wife’s language of Love & Respect, we should follow the acrostic COUPLE:

C – Closeness. This could look as simple as hand holding in public. Don’t dismiss your woman wanting to feel connected, or that your lady might want you to be proud of being with her. Physical touch should NOT always lead to sexual engagement.  Non-sexual touches carry great values with the ladies.

O – Openness. This is when a woman feels confident in knowing how YOU feel. You being open with her about your feelings, and communicating so she doesn’t have to guess is important. On the flip side, she wants you to ask her how she is doing and feeling also. Ladies & Gents, pick your time wisely – don’t ask these types of questions as he is walking out the door, or as she is falling asleep.

U – Understanding. Women need men to understand and empathize with them. Show that you appreciate all we do. In episode # 307 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda use the example of Christmas dinner… Typically the woman will cook, clean the house, do the shopping, wrap everyone’s gifts, and the man might carve the turkey. Women, you can’t assume that men know what else needs to be done, so be open and tell them how they can help.

P – Peacemaking. Men, just admitting when you are wrong can make a huge difference. Acknowledge when you are wrong or mess up, but also offer forgiveness when your wife has messed up or is wrong. It goes a long way. “Just own it!” – Jocko Willink. If you say sorry, you need to also change your actions – that’s the difference between peace making and peace keeping.

L – Loyalty. Women feel loyalty from men when they don’t look at other women, watch pornography, when they speak positively to them and about them. If you as a man are bouncing eyes at other women, throwing your wife under the bus, threatening / joking about divorce, poking fun at her expense… it undermines the feeling of loyalty. Women want to feel like you aren’t going anywhere. Women feel loved when they feel that their men are loyal. Loyalty = Security.

E – Esteem. This is when wives feel treasured, honored, cherished. Be her cheer leader, verbally support her, honor her, praise her, make her feel valued. The opposite of this would look like you throwing her under the bus, making her the bud of all your jokes. Eventually it will wear her down and she won’t feel that same honor or praise of being your wife.

Check out the 2-episode series “love & respect” on the Rock Solid Families Podcast to get more in depth about how husbands and wives can best show their love & respect for each other. Episode one covers this topic from the man's perspective, talking about how husbands interpret the language of love and respect and how the ladies can do better to understand his language. Episode two covers the topic from the woman's perspective, and how her interpretation of love and respect is different than the men, but not in a better or worse way. You can listen to both episodes by clicking HERE!

Six ways to start the new school year off strong!

The start of a new school year comes with many feelings and emotions for both students and teachers. Some students are excited to get their new backpacks, school supplies, new shoes, and to see their friends. Others are anxious about starting a new school, a new sport, or riding the school bus. This goes for teachers too as they prepare for new students, work with new families, and prepare curriculum.

On episode # 297 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson dive into the topics of setting routines, holding boundaries, managing schedules, and the importance of communication. Believe it or not, all of these things relate to the start of the school year and can make or break your student’s experience when going back to school. Below, we list Merrill and Linda’s top six tips for starting the school year off on the right foot.

six ways to ensure you start the school year off on the right foot:

1. Find and implement consistent routines. For some, this may be starting bedtime a bit earlier, turning screens off an hour before bed, or reading with their kids before bed to relax. Another great routine to practice is eating dinner as a family together each night. This time can be used to talk and unpack how everyone's day went, discuss how your kids are feeling about school or sports, and is an extra time to connect in a tech-free environment. It is also important to have your students participate in these new routines, whether it’s setting out their own clothes the night before school or helping pack lunches before getting ready for bed. This helps alleviate the chaos of getting out the door in the morning and helps teach them independence and responsibility. 
   

2. Set your priorities early. This piggybacks off of our first point… oftentimes our culture tells us that busy/full calendars = good parenting. This is a lie from the enemy! Most of the time, when our students have an overly busy schedule, it leads to anxiety and burnout, especially in our elementary-aged students. To avoid these unnecessary anxieties or burnout, we recommend prioritizing your family and marriage over filling your time with activities. Having time set aside for family will help your students recognize their safe place where they can unwind, relax, and feel safe.
   

3. Don’t get consumed by all the “extras”. This goes beyond the extracurricular activities and sports practices, especially for our middle school and high school students. We hear all the time about parents who are working multiple jobs or working 60+ hours a week just so their kid can play on traveling sports teams, have the nicest back-to-school clothes, have the name-brand cleats and helmets for sports, the best electronics and accessories, or whatever the next best thing is. Providing all of these “extras” can often lead to burnout and anxiety for parents, and ultimately it distracts the students from what is actually important - their education. 
   

4. Teachers need your partnership. We encourage you to get to know your kids teachers, counselors and coaches. Support them and partner with them throughout the year to build a relationship and trust. This helps them know that you are on their team and have the same goal of making sure your kid has the best experience possible. 
   

5. Teach your kids to connect with their teachers. A simple “Good Morning Mrs. Smith, how are you today?” not only teaches your kids how to build connections with other people, but helps them develop skills to recognize the feelings, emotions, and needs of others around them. This is the same for teachers as well. Once that relationship with your student is built, they may recognize different reactions or responses from your student that tell them your kid has had a bad morning, is tired, or is having a great day! 
   

6. Set the tone for how the school year should be approached. There are 3 ways we can set the tone - In a negative way, a neutral way, or a positive way. A negative tone for school might be set when your student hears you complaining about the administration or rules set by the district.  Or maybe you didn’t like school growing up, so you dont think your children should take it so seriously. A neutral tone would be if parents aren’t invested in their students' school life outside of the required meetings and signed paperwork. A positive tone is set when you encourage your children by saying things like “Your teacher is trying their best!” or “It's going to be a great day at school today!”  We recommend that if you have any issues with the staff, administration, or teachers, you use the Matthew 18 principle and go directly to them to work out whatever the issue is. If they don’t respond, grab another staff member or administrator and have them go with you to talk through the issue.

This school year, we encourage you to lean into your children. Talk to them about their days and reassure them that the anxieties they may be feeling around school, sports, or riding the bus can be resolved either as a family or by partnering with the school. Teachers and coaches are there to support you as parents and make the transition into a new year easier. If you need to talk through the anxieties or struggles that your family is facing at the start of a new school year, please give us a call at 812-576-7625 and we can chat and provide you with additional resources and support to make sure your child's school year starts on the right foot! 

To listen to the full “Back To School” podcast episode from Rock Solid Families, Click HERE

For more content related to faith, family, and fitness, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

What is the adoption and fostering process REALLY like?

The movie Sound of Hope is based on a true story about the town of Possum Trot Texas, and how the community came together and adopted 77 children who were in the foster care system at that time. The movie depicts the process of fostering and adopting well, without showing some of the most grueling details… but when watching the film, your mind can put the pieces together and imagine the awful experiences some of these kids went through. 

We are called to protect the orphans and the widows. In the bible, Proverbs 31:8 reminds us that we should speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves and James 1:27 tells us that pure religion is understanding who God is in our lives, and how he wants us to show up in the lives of those around us. It takes sacrifice of what we want and need to help other people. 

As many people know, the founders of Rock Solid Families, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson, adopted 3 children in 2017. These children were in the school that Merrill worked in at the time. This was their 5th school and 5th family, and when he caught wind that they were going to be separated and sent to different homes in different parts of the state, he went home and asked Linda what she thought about adopting them.

Much like one of the main characters in the Sound of Hope film, Linda Hutchinson had a passion for adopting. She didn't think the opportunity would present itself after her 2 biological children had graduated and moved out of the house, but God’s timing doesn’t always align with our own.

When considering fostering or adopting, it is so easy to have “Rose-colored glasses” on. You start to imagine the life that you can provide for the child you are adopting, whether it’s imagining birthday parties, family vacations, sports games, or Christmas mornings. But outside of those initial heartwarming feelings, there are difficulties, challenges, and baggage.

Based on their own experiences, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson share with us 7 things to consider when you are considering fostering or adopting children.

1. Are you all in? When fostering or adopting, a child's heart is at stake. This process is not just something you can “try it for a little while” to see how it goes. The child in your care needs mom and dad to be on the same page from the beginning so that they can provide a secure and stable home environment.
   

2. Take off the rose-colored glasses. As mentioned earlier, this is the period where you are feeling heartwarming emotions as you imagine the life you will be able to give a child. This is similar to lust. But fostering and adopting is more comparable to love - it is a choice and the process comes with challenges that you need to be willing to work through. 
   

3. Examine your expectations…and then lower them. This goes for expectations of yourself, your family and your friends. Its easy to think that once the child is officially adopted, life will go back to “normal”, but that simply isn’t always the case. There will be an adjustment period where you navigate living together, how to approach communication, how to handle each other's emotions, and observe how they interact with your family and friends. You will need to be realistic, and plan for extending lots of grace during that initial transition. 
   

4. Ask yourself, Is God at the center of my decision? If you don’t have the wisdom of God’s word, you don’t have what is needed to get through the challenges of the adoption process by yourself. It requires prayer, constantly inviting God into the process to reveal next steps and His extended grace. 
   

5. Evaluate your resources. Who do you have that is going to be on your team? Is it family, church friends? Neighbors? They will be your village during this process, so it is important that they are supportive. The foster care system will also provide some material resources, but when you are doing it for the right reasons, God will provide through your community support. 
   

6. Recognize that  you will have “nay-sayers”. There will be people who don’t think you should adopt. They will say things like “You don’t know what you’re doing.” or “This realy isn’t a good idea.” This may plant seeds of doubt and fear in your mind, but the decision is between Mom, Dad and God. Not the nay-sayers. Remember, once you commit to this process, there is no turning back, so don’t let their negative words get in the way of the process.
   

7. There will be several seasons of the adoption process. Just like there are seasons of parenting, there will be seasons of adopting. The early seasons will be full of awkward moments, figuring out what memories from the past triggers the child, and testing the boundaries. Seasons after that will start to feel more comfortable, where they start to get more comfortable calling you by the names you agreed upon – whether its Mom and Dad or by your first names. 

Our challenge to you is to not only consider how adoption changes the life of a child, but how it can change YOU as well. We encourage you to listen to Episode # 269 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast to hear the heartwarming comments about how adoption changed both Merrill and Linda for the better! 

For more content related to Faith, Family, and Fitness, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify or Apple Podcasts.

How do you share the Good News with a friend?

It is more than likely that we all have someone in our lives that we can share our faith with. A friend, neighbor, co-worker, or family member who doesn’t know Jesus Christ or who may be in a season of hopelessness. But how do we do that? Some of us aren’t confident enough, aren’t bold enough, or maybe want to do it for selfish reasons of bringing someone to Christ versus doing it because the Holy Spirit laid it on our hearts.

Before we share our own faith, it is important we ask ourselves a few questions first to help evaluate our hearts and intentions…

• Am I modeling an authentic relationship with Christ myself? Am I leading my example? James 2: 14 - 17 reminds us faith without action is dead.

• Have I prayed for this person in your life? Ask God for an open door to share your faith with them. Invite the Holy Spirit into the process. Mark 13: 10 - 12 tells us not to worry about finding the words to say, because God will give us the words to say through the Holy Spirit. Be sure your heart is also open to accepting the Holy Spirit’s guidance, and that your intentions are pure and not selfish.

• Do you know their faith background? Maybe they dont have a faith background, or maybe they have a broken background. Understanding this will help you know where to start in a conversation about faith.

When sharing our faith with others, we need to be BOLD, but also remember that “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18) So approach these conversations with sensitivity, understanding, and wisdom knowing that with friendship comes trust, and it takes a lot of trust to openly discuss faith with others around you.

Once you’ve asked yourself the questions above and evaluated your intentions, you can approach the conversation about faith with family and friends by following six simples steps:

1.) Pick a time when you can talk without any distractions and a place that favors good conversation. This may be over coffee or lunch, walking around the park, or a long drive in the car.

2.) Start by acknowledging how important their friendship is. This will help set the grounds that the conversation to follow is happening out of LOVE and not judgment or condemnation.

3.) Ask open-ended questions. This allows them to answer on a level they are comfortable with and helps you know how to engage on their level. A great example might be, “We don’t talk much about faith, and I’m curious where you stand or what your experience has been.”

4.) Use your own life experience to relate to them and explain how your faith impacted those struggles and experiences. Doing this offers empathy and understanding in the relationship.

5.) Recognize that there are going to be differences in everyone’s walk of faith. Just because you had the conversation and planted the seeds doesn’t mean they will automatically catch up to where you are on your own journey or even have the same faith background. It’s okay to disagree, but be sure to always keep the friendship in good standing.

6.) Offer resources. Invite them to church, recommend books to read, or ask if they need prayer.

All of these steps plant practical seeds in their lives and although we plant seeds, we may not see the fruit of our labor. The walk of faith is a process, not a rush. We must trust that God’s plan and timing are better than ours and that His living water will continue to water the seeds that we have planted in our family and friends.

Remember that our own testimony is the most powerful tool to bring others to Christ, so we must protect our faith and not give into the ways of the world. We challenge you to be BOLD and COURAGEOUS and to share your faith with someone in your life.

To hear more about sharing faith with those around you, listen to episode # 295 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, where Merrill and Linda Hutchinson dive deeper into this topic and provide real-life applications and share experiences from their own walks of faith.

For more content like this, focusing on faith, family, fitness, and everything in between, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on Youtube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

www.rocksolidfamilies.org

What does a "Strong Dad" look like?

In the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15: 11-32) a father had 2 sons. One was a rule follower and the other was more of a rebel. The rebellious son had asked for his inheritance early, and when he received it, he fled from his father’s home to go “live it up” in a distant city.

After blowing through his inheritance, he finds himself with nothing left and decides to return home. Upon his return, his father is relieved to see him alive and to have him back….so much so that he throws a party to celebrate!

Now remember, a parable is not a true story. Parables are Jesus’ way of creating a human understanding of God's qualities and desires for us. In this parable, the father of the prodigal son is manifesting the role of God our Father - celebrating His children opening their eyes and turning to Him!

In episode # 291 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson deep dive into the story of the prodigal son and reveal 6 characteristics of the father in the story that help us understand what it means to be a “Strong dad” today.  Those 6 characteristics are outlined below:

Six Characteristics of a “Strong Dad”:

1.       Unconditional Love: In the parable of the prodigal son, the father's love transcends his son's rebellion. He doesn't withhold affection as punishment. For Dads Today: Show your love consistently through your actions and words. Let your children know they are loved regardless of their choices.  You don’t have to love their choices but work hard to love them through their choices. When you see a bad choice make sure to separate them from the choice in your judgment.  For example, say “Your choice is ridiculous.” versus  “You are ridiculous”.

 2.       Allow Freewill - The father of the prodigal son did not try to stop, redirect, or even threaten his son to change his mind.  He allowed the son to make his own decision to leave. For Dads Today, obviously we are not recommending this for a young child.  But as our children turn into young adults, we must strongly consider releasing them to their ways. 

3.       Patient Trust vs Aggressive Chase: The father in the parable waits patiently rather than running after his son. He trusts that there is going to be good that comes from all of this. He may have felt impatient and wanted God to deliver his son back to him faster, but this is not mentioned in the parable.  For Dads Today: Practice patience. Growth takes time. Trust your children's ability to learn their own lessons and make amends.

4.       Unending Desire for Restoration: The father in the parable never “writes him off”.  He's constantly aware and watching for his return.  For Dads Today: Be observant. Pay attention to your children's subtle cues, their joys and struggles. Be present in their lives.

5.       Unconditional Forgiveness: The father of the prodigal son doesn't look at his son and say, “You need to apologize to me before I can forgive you.”   He embraces his son the moment he sees him, demonstrating immense compassion.  For Dads Today: Focus on reconciliation, not punishment. Let forgiveness be a bridge to rebuild the relationship and mutual respect.

6.       Celebrate God’s Work: The father throws a feast, not out of obligation, but out of joy for his son's return. He gives freely, restoring his son's dignity. For Dads Today: Be generous with your love, time, and resources. Celebrate your children's victories, big and small.

To listen to the full Rock Solid Families podcast episode on this topic, click HERE.

For more content related to faith, family, and fitness, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

www.rocksolidfamilies.org

Are you Having an Emotional Affair?: How to Recognize and Prevent Emotional Affairs in Your Marriage.

Often when people think of an affair, they think of something physical. But lurking around every corner is an opportunity for emotional affairs. They seem innocent on the surface, but they can be extremely damaging.

An emotional affair is a close or intimate relationship with someone outside of your marriage. Typically you share your thoughts and emotions with this person, you have common likes/dislikes, or you may tell them about your dreams, secrets, and fantasies. This emotional attachment can quickly turn into something more, as It creates thoughts of, “wow! This person is special or different than my spouse.” You are in it deep when that person starts to take up a lot of your heart and head space.

Jesus warns us about this in the Bible. In Matthew 5:27-28 is says “You have heard that it was said ‘You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

So what are the signs of an emotional affair and what can we do to safeguard our hearts and prevent emotional affairs from affecting our marriages? These guidelines below are for any couple who wants to protect their marriage, not just people who have experienced an affair within their marriage.

Signs of an emotional affair and why they are dangerous:

• Mind shift- This person begins to occupy space in your mind.  Your thoughts, dreams, and even fantasies begin to include them, and its almost always at the expense of excluding your spouse.

• Time Shift- This is when you crave to be around the other person, and you start to change where you spend your time. Often you are wherever the other person is… the gym, work, etc. This leads to prioritizing time with the other person over your spouse.

• Emotional Shift- You crave a deeper connection with the other person and start to care about them more than you do a friend or co-worker. Emotions start to develop and they are fuel to the emotional affair fire, motivating us to spend our time and energy on this person. It is in this shift that emotions get harder and harder to resist.

• Intimacy Shift- You are now desiring to be involved with this person in the deepest parts of your life. Going on adventures together, being in a relationship, and fantasizing of sexual activities.

The shifting process happens quickly, and it is like quicksand. It is a dangerous situation to be in with someone who isn’t your spouse, especially if the other person involved is unaware of your thoughts and feelings towards them. That puts everyone in an awkward position.

How to prevent emotional affairs:

• Stop walking in the denial. See the situation for what it is versus telling yourself “Its not that big of a deal”.

• Don’t be ignorant: Just because you aren’t having feelings or fantasies about someone, doesn’t mean they aren’t taking your relationship the wrong way. You offering a listening ear, or inviting that specific co-worker to lunch could indicate to them that you are interested in pursuing a closer relationship.
  

How to protect yourself and your marriage from emotional affairs:

• Prioritize your spouse: Make regular time for them - whether it’s date nights or meaningful conversations.

• Maintain open communication: Be open and honest in your communication with your spouse. Are you doing a daily check-in to see how they are doing or how their day was? Communication is key and check-ins can make your spouse feel heard, appreciated, and cared for.

• Set healthy boundaries: Establish boundaries with friends, co-workers, and people of the opposite sex. Think of it as putting up a picket fence up around your marriage - no one can get in without going through the gate. Be a good “gatekeeper”! You can also follow the “Billy Graham Rule”, which is something some spouses practice by not allowing themselves to dine, travel, or go out to an event with a person of the opposite sex without their spouse with them. This eliminates the chances for the emotional attachment to grow in an unhealthy way, and it prevents people from talking about you if they see you in public with another man or woman.

• Nurture your marriage: Invest in activities that strengthen your bond with your spouse - feed into each other. This could look like going to the movies, participating in your spouse’s hobbies, dinner out or at home, etc.

• Seek Help: Not from your family and friends, who tend to take sides in situations like this. Seek professional help from someone who can call you out, tell you what you NEED to hear, and help you work through it.

Matthew 19: 4-6 says, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Separation causes wounds, and when a marriage is separated due to an emotional affair, people get hurt.

Our Challenge to you is to give yourself an honest assessment of your thoughts. Where are they at? Who are you thinking about?

To hear more on this topic and to learn more about protecting our marriage from emotional affairs, listen to episode 289 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast.

On this episode, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson of Rock Solid Families dive deeper into the topic of emotional affairs, provide realistic examples of what it may look like in your marriage, and elaborate on how to protect your marriage from the damaging effects.

To hear more content related to family, marriage, and relationships, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcast.

Are We Bringing People to Christ or Driving Them Away?

Have you ever been turned off by someone's hard-driving fire and brimstone evangelism? It typically comes with great fervor and good intention, but the delivery leaves a lot to be desired.

We are currently living in a time when church participation is dropping and people are making their own “gods” to fulfill their needs. When asked about following Jesus or being Christian they make statements like, "I tried it once and it's not for me.” but If we dig down a little deeper, we often find that people had a bad experience within a church, or with "church" people, and they turn the other way for answers.

In The Great Commission, Jesus tells us to go and make disciples of all nations. Yes, we are to bring people to Christ, but as Christians, why are we finding ourselves driving so many people away?

The answer often comes down to the delivery of the content. When we greet non-believers and assume they already know the way of Christ, and that they are willing to jump right onto the path, we are ignorant of their readiness to make such a leap (or life change).

In bringing people to Christ, we often come across as Pharisees who are moving at one speed. We think everyone else should be keeping up with us and when they don't, we often get impatient and begin to act with contempt in our hearts and think things like, “Why can they be more like me?” or “Why aren’t they as passionate about this as I am?”

In episode 286 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda discuss how to approach people as Christ himself demonstrated time and time again - with gentleness, kindness, and respect. He met people where they were and encouraged them to move to someplace better. He helped quench their thirst with the "well of living water". This is a thirst that all of us have…. It’s the desire to quench our understanding of our purpose and how it fits into the universe.

If we truly want to bring people to Christ, we must not get trapped in our own pharisaical, self-righteous delivery of the greatest message concerning the greatest man that ever lived. We must learn to meet people where they are and move them to a better place with gentleness and respect.

So as Christians, how do we love people where they are at?
Merrill and Linda give us a few tips to help guide us:

• Hate the sin, not the sinner:

  1. We are not meant to cast people out or identify them by their sin. (Mark 2: 16-17) We are all much more and much bigger than the sins we commit.

• Base your decision-making on God's word.

  • Try to leave your opinion out of it. This one could be difficult if you are trying to teach the word of God to a non-believer. But this is where the gentleness and love come into play…. Don’t be condemning or judgmental.

• Wrap yourself in the definition of “Agape Love”.

  •   Agape love is God's love. It is unwavering, it is of God and From God, whose very nature is Love. You can wrap yourself in agape love by showing that you care and by putting others first. Remember, you don’t need to “like” someone to show agape love.

• Know the difference between acceptance and agreement.

  • People tend to think that if we don’t accept them, we reject them. But that simply isn’t the case. Accepting is that you understand where they are in life, and you comprehend what they are doing and what they have going on.

The Bible may contain the words, but we are to deliver the message. It is our responsibility to spread the good news and grow God’s kingdom for His glory! If you need encouragement or further instruction on how to deliver God’s word with love and gentleness, we encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 13: 4- 8.

For more content like this, check out our Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube!

www.rocksolidfamilies.org

Bring Out the Best in Your Spouse

Marriage was created by God and it is meant to be a blessing. Some days marriage can be harder than others, but scripture instructs us on how to be the best spouse we can be, even when it is difficult.

Merrill and Linda dive into the books of Ephesians, 1 Corinthians, James, and Matthew to teach us different ways we can bring out the best in our spouse, which ultimately brings out the best in your marriage. If you listen to episode # 284 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, you may even get to hear them banter back and forth about their own marriage experiences as well. ;)

Here are 6 ways you can bring the best out in your spouse:

1.) Recognize you are on the same team and are equal players in this endeavor. Ephesians 5 tells us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband. You are in this marriage together, on one team. Without love and respect, the team can’t collaborate effectively.

2.) 1 Corinthians 12 states just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. You must focus on your spouse's strengths. You have a choice on what you will focus on when it comes to your spouse, and If you choose to focus on their shortcomings and weaknesses, that is all you will see. Praise them for the good they do, for their strengths. After all, what is praised, is repeated!

3.) Effective communication - James 1:19 says everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Merrill and Linda recommend having a conversation with your spouse for at least 10-15 minutes a day. During that check-in you should validate that you are hearing your spouse by acknowledging what they say and do not give advice unless you are asked for it. Instead ask, “How can I help?” or “What do you need from me?” Once that check-in is over, you should be able to walk away with a sense of HOW your spouse is truly doing.

4.) Be your best! Instead of focusing on what your partner is or is not doing, focus on what you can do better to be the best version of yourself, not just for you, but also for your spouse. When focusing on being the best version of yourself, access yourself in the following 3 categories:

- Spiritual Growth - Are you practicing to be more Christ-like?
- Physical Growth - Are you taking care of your body? Are you healthy? Are you fit? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Are you attractive to your spouse?
- Personal Growth - Are you stretching and challenging yourself in your desires and gifts? Practicing a hobby or taking a new class?

5.) Love them the way they want to be Loved, and learn what makes them feel respected and valuable. This is easier when you know your partner’s Love Language. Is it acts of service? Words of affirmation? Getting gifts? If you don’t know your partner’s love language, we highly encourage you to find out.

6.) Build your life and your relationships on something that is ROCK SOLID. Without a firm foundation that is solid or unshakable, you run the risk of things falling apart pretty quickly. You tend to look out for #1 and focus inward on yourself.  It’s like building your life on sinking sand. The first wave hits and suddenly things are washed away. What are the values you are building your marriage and family on? Is it a strong Christian faith? Even if you are not a person of faith or a church-goer, we still challenge you to give it a try. Start building your life and relationships on something solid like integrity, honesty, faithfulness, kindness, dependability, good work ethic, etc. It not only will bring out the best in your spouse, but yourself as well.

With Christ as the cornerstone of your relationships, you will have a common and firm foundation. Just like the wise builder in Matthew 7, with a foundation built on Christ, your house will not fall. As you grow in your relationship together, we encourage you to pray together and practice forgiveness and grace, just like God does with the Church.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH the Rock Solid Families Podcast episode on Bringing out the best in your spouse here.

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How to Parent Through Excessive Complaining.

In the Bible, Philippians 2: 14-15 says “Do everything without grumbling or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.”

I think most of us have experienced when our child has one of those days where they are quick to grumble or tell us about every ache or pain they are experiencing. When they are telling you about the aches and pains they are experiencing, it is with such emotion that you wonder how they are even living through it. Five minutes later, you hear laughing and playing outside and you see that same child playing with their friends outside having what seems to be a pain-free time.

Parents today often ask, “So, when should I take my child seriously and when should I go tone deaf or even dismissive of their complaints?” Some modern counselors will tell you that you should never dismiss your child’s complaints, rather, you should validate their complaints. However, the proof is out on this one - sometimes our kids need to know their irrational complaints need to be shut down sooner rather than later and that it is okay to say “NO” to your kids. Someday they may even thank you.

In Episode # 283 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda discuss how to navigate a child’s excessive complaining. However, this episode is not just limited to children. This idea of how to deal with complainers respectfully is common in so many places - work, school, church, etc. Rock Solid Families wants to tackle this topic because it primarily relates to the home and is the first training step to helping our children recognize and deal more appropriately with their own complaints.

Chronic complainers we interact with in life are typically people who have practiced the act of complaining for a long time. Somehow they seem to believe they were successful with this strategy in the past and keep doing it. However, as we talk about how to deal with the complaints of our children, we want to first lay out a few disclaimers and understandings:

You must handle their complaints appropriately for the season they are in. Remember the seasons:
(Click each link below to listen to our podcast episodes on the different seasons of parenting.)

Season 1: Service 0 - 2 yrs - Service Years
Season 2: Leadership 3-13 yrs - Leadership Years
Season 3: Mentoring 13-18/21 yrs - Mentorship Years
Bonus season: Friend and Counsel 21+ - Emancipation Years

If you have a child in the first season, 0-2 years of age, you never dismiss their cries. In the second season - Leadership, 3-13 years of age, this is where the training takes place to help your kids learn the language of how to express what the emotions are behind the complaint. Early in this season, you can help them by teaching them the actual words of the emotion - “Are you feeling angry? Sad? Tired?…. DO NOT GET INTO THE HABIT OF BEING THE RESCUE PARENT - THEY ARE NO LONGER IN SEASON 1.

Begin to teach your child how to problem solve by teaching them how to ask better questions. “What can I do about my complaint?” Later in Season 2 about ages 8-13, if you’re child leans towards the chronic complainer side, teach them PERSPECTIVE. This is where they can begin to look at life through other people’s eyes. It is also the initial way of learning of EMPATHY for others.

Hear more about parenting through the excessive complaining by listening to our podcast at the link below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaxk6U4SLRM&t=1459s

http://rocksolidfamilies.org