Rebuilding Trust

As a teacher and coach, I loved challenging my students’ fears and insecurities with the famous trust fall. Pairing up classmates or teammates, I would have them face each other, cross arms and lock hands with their partner standing across from them. All while one scared teenager stood high on a ladder with their back to the group ready to fall into their arms.  It was so cool watching student after student face their fears and take that leap of faith falling safely into the arms of their peers. But what happens when your teammate drops you? How do you rebuild trust and ever take that risk again? 

What if We Get Dropped?
Rebuilding trust is a HUGE issue in our world today.  If we’re being honest, probably all of us have been hurt by someone before who broke our trust. Then how do we rebuild trust after someone has betrayed us or let us fall? Whether it be a spouse, child, parent, friend, coworker or boss, can we ever truly forgive someone who has literally or figuratively “dropped” us? And does forgiveness always mean we should trust them again? 

Every day, people walk into our doors at Rock Solid Families feeling angry and wounded because someone broke their trust. Some have been so hurt by the offense and have no idea where to begin. They want to experience peace and joy again, but instead feel chained by bitterness and unforgiveness. 

Forgiveness vs. Trust
Ideally, a relationship is restored when both partners forgive each other and themselves and trust again, but that’s easier said than done. At Rock Solid Families, one thing that has helped individuals and relationships heal is separating the decision to forgive from the concept of trust. 

You’ve probably heard the old adage about what happens to US, the offended, when we chose NOT to forgive our offender. “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison ourselves and waiting for the other person to die.” Bitterness and anger begin to grow when we harbor those negative feelings of unforgiveness. It eats US up from the inside out. 

Forgiveness is a decision we can make regardless of whether the person who hurt us is sorry for what they did or does anything to make amends. Forgiveness takes the control away from our offender and puts the power solely in our own hands. It is a decision that can set US free and bring US peace regardless, if the relationship is restored or not. 

Trust is a Two Way Street
Trust, on the other hand, is a two way street. Trust says I not only forgive you for dropping me, but I’m willing to try it again. Some would say that’s insane, but for others, the relationship is worth the risk. Maybe it's trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. Maybe, it’s with an adult child after they’ve been caught in addiction.  In order for the relationship to be restored in a healthy way, rebuilding trust is an essential next step. It isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight, but restoring trust is possible and can even make the relationship better and stronger if done right. 

Steps for the Offender to Rebuild Trust
Step One-Take Responsibility for the hurt you caused and admit your wrongs- This first step is so hard for the offender, because pride gets in the way. No one likes to admit they were wrong; let alone take responsibility for hurting someone else. 

Step Two-Be Patient with the Offended-If you have hurt someone, rebuilding trust is going to take time and as the offender, you don’t get to decide how long. The greater the offense, the longer it takes to rebuild trust.  

Step Three – Mean What you Say; Say what you mean. Make sure people can count on your word even with the little things. Don’t be surprised if it takes time for those around you to trust your word again. You’re the one who broke trust.

Step Four – Be Honest and Transparent. If you want to rebuild trust, you have to show the person you offended that you have nothing to hide. That may mean sharing passwords and your whereabouts and not getting defensive or angry when someone asks.

Step Five– Confess Promptly. No one’s perfect, so when you do mess up make sure you own it BEFORE you’re caught in it. As the Scottish novelist, George MacDonald once said, “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved”

Steps for the Offended in Trusting Again
Step One-Remember, no one is perfect including you, but also never forget God doesn’t make junk. Your worth and value come from a God who loves you and created you in His image not from anyone or anything. Search your heart and make sure you are not trying to hold your offender hostage through your unforgiveness. Remember, unforgiveness only hurts YOU. 

Step Two-Surround yourself with healthy, safe people. Seek wise counsel to help you work through the forgiveness process. Find someone neutral like a counselor or pastor who will help you sort out truth from lies.Get professional help if you have relationship wounds that are not healing right. 

Step Three-Step back and let the emotions settle before you make any decisions. Let your words be few. You don’t want to say or do something you will later regret. Don’t stoop to the level of your offender and seek revenge. Keep your character and integrity high. 

Step Four-Protect yourself from any kind of physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse. Forgiveness does not mean you become a martyr or victim. Trust may not be possible in the relationship if the offender does not own their mistakes and take the steps to rebuild trust.

Step Five-Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes two people and takes time. Be patient with yourself and learn to trust again.  Search your heart for any hurt or wrong you have caused in the relationship and own your part whenever possible. Extend grace to the offender if there is real effort being made to restore trust. As long as you’re breathing, there will always be a chance of getting hurt, so learn these skills of forgiveness and rebuilding trust now. It’s worth the effort. 

Emotional Healing is Possible
Don’t stay trapped or paralyzed by old memories or past hurts. Emotional healing is possible! We all need healthy people in our lives. We were not made to do life alone. Healthy relationships are worth fighting for.  When you can think back on the offense and not feel wounded anymore, you’re well on your way to true healing and lasting peace. 

The Greatest Investment You Could Ever Make

There are not many folks who have lived in Bright, Indiana for any length of time that have not personally met or heard of the name, Jesse Smith. Jesse was just one of those special people you never forget. He was such a loving and faithful man of God who took a chance on this girl and hired her for full time ministry over 20 years ago. He was my elder, mentor and friend and at the age of 91 received his eternal reward on January 17, 2020.  As I looked around the room before Jesse’s funeral at Bright Christian Church where he worshipped for over 82 years, I couldn’t help but think about the legacy he left behind. There was a massive crowd of family and friends there to celebrate a life well-lived. Jesse Smith understood this counter cultural way of living that I want to propose to you today. In God’s eyes, he was a very rich man!

Let’s face it, there are so many things in life that compete for your time, attention, and resources. In this 24/7 digital age, you can be bombarded from all sides and quickly overwhelmed. Whether it’s your phone that’s vibrating in your pocket day and night to the constant feed of fake news on social media. It becomes harder and harder to filter out the good from the bad. For many, all these things become just “noise”. We see individuals, couples, and families every week in our Rock Solid Families office that are having a hard time navigating through it all and discerning what is worth their time and attention and what is not. Many folks become overwhelmed, shut down and even turn on each other due to the stress of all the “noise”.

So where do YOU spend your valuable resources?  The world today would say financial investments are the most important ones you can make, but the reality is they are the least. Could I suggest that the best investment of your time, talents, and treasures are NOT Facebook or your 401K? So what is the “best bang for your buck” when it comes to your time, energy, and resources? I believe it’s relationships! I think my mentor and friend, Jesse Smith, would agree with me when I say the best bang for your buck is first an eternal investment. Jesus Christ needs to come first, then your spouse, then family, then others. Jesse and his wife, Jeanie, had been married 72 years when he passed this past January. When you looked around the room at his funeral and the crowd of family and friends from all over the country and of all ages, no doubt, Jesse Smith was a rich man!

In this digital world we live in today, we have lost that investment of human connection. Families are disconnecting, marriages are crumbling, friendships are starving, and our personal mental health is suffering. Suicide is now the second leading cause of death for those between the age of 10-24. Why? This should be the prime of their life? Research is clear. In an age where we seem so “connected”, we are feeling more disconnected and isolated than ever. At Jesse’s funeral, people got up and spoke about his strong handshake and loving hugs and fistbumps. They talked about the 1000 love notes he would write to his church family every February during “love month”. They talked about his steadfast faith in Jesus Christ. Jesse understood that the key to a happy, rich life was investing in relationships both with the Lord and with others. 

So what can we do TODAY to help build a healthier tomorrow for ourselves and our family? Our community? Or world?  There are some simple things we all can do that don’t require a lot of money or any special talents. 

LOOK UP. Turn off your phone in the waiting room or in line and look around you. Who is sitting alone? Who looks like they could use a smile or a kind word? It doesn’t take much time but that could make a huge difference in someone’s life. You never know what they are going through and how your smile and a kind word could make a difference. Often it’s someone in your own home who is craving this face to face connection with you. Maybe it’s your son who wants you to put down the phone and shoot hoops with him. Maybe it's your mom who would love for you to take the air pods out of your ears and ask about her day. Look up and look around. 

SLOW DOWN. When is the last time you stepped away from your desk and went to lunch with your coworkers? How about the last time you called an old friend and checked in on them? Could you slow down long enough to open the door for someone or let someone go ahead of you in grocery line? So many people, including myself at times, use the word “BUSY” as a badge of honor. You know what I’m talking about…”Linda, I can’t slow down and do those things. I am soooo BUSY!” It’s time we slow down and take our “busy badges” off. As a family, we have overscheduled our kids and ourselves so tightly, we don’t even have the time to sit down at the kitchen table and share a meal. We’re missing out on the greatest time of the day to connect as a family. Make it a rule that there are NO phones or other screens at the table. I’m sure all of us have seen families out at a restaurant with everyone looking down at their phone or at a TV screen on a wall. Why bother even eating together? Spend that time engaging and reconnecting. Ask about each other’s day. What were the highs? What were the lows?

 REACH OUT.  How about sending an old fashioned birthday card to a family member or a sympathy card to a neighbor who just lost their spouse? You know those things you put stamps on and put in the mail. If you’re married, spend at least 15 minutes every day in face to face dialogue. If you have little ones, it’s important that your kids know how important this “mom and dad time” is.  Take that initiative to reconnect and recalibrate your relationship. Help your spouse feel like the most important person in your world. Both the dinner table and couple dialogue are tools you can use to read the temperature of your family and your marriage. In today’s digital age we are losing those skills. We’re too busy with our heads down in a screen. We’ve lost that human connection. 

INVEST IN. Who is God calling you to invest in? Want to know what I believe is the greatest investment of time and energy you could ever make? Want to know what will give you an EXPONENTIAL return on your investment? Investing in the life of a child. Before you give me your excuse as to why you can’t...let me clarify. Everyone, regardless of how old you are or how much time or money you have, can do SOMETHING. We are all called to do SOMETHING.  When we adopted our three youngest four years ago, my husband and I were so thankful for the many other men and women God placed in their life to encourage them and help them grow. It has been amazing to watch the connections they have made with their new aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, coaches, teachers, youth group leaders, neighbors, you name it. God has used each one of them to pour into their lives. 

So look around you? Who could YOU reach out to and invest in today? Is it another adult or maybe a child? Did you know there are over 9,000 children just in Indiana alone that are currently in foster care with many of those waiting for a forever home? Maybe foster care or adoption isn’t for you. What about giving a few hours a week as a Big Brother or Sister? There are hundreds of kids in the Greater Cincinnati waiting to be matched with a mentor. Maybe you could be the voice for a child in need and serve as a local Child Advocate. What about loving on babies in your church’s nursery or volunteering to coach a neighborhood t-ball team? 

In their 72 years of marriage, Jesse and Jeanie Smith mentored and encouraged thousands of others by investing in people using their time, talents, and treasures. That’s why at the age of 91, Bright Christian Church was packed with four generations of family and friends there to honor Jesse Smith and celebrate a life well lived.  Jesse understood the secret to a happy, full life. He knew that investing in things that are intangible and eternal like relationships may seem counter cultural to the world today, but they will definitely bring the greatest rewards.