Six ways to start the new school year off strong!

The start of a new school year comes with many feelings and emotions for both students and teachers. Some students are excited to get their new backpacks, school supplies, new shoes, and to see their friends. Others are anxious about starting a new school, a new sport, or riding the school bus. This goes for teachers too as they prepare for new students, work with new families, and prepare curriculum.

On episode # 297 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson dive into the topics of setting routines, holding boundaries, managing schedules, and the importance of communication. Believe it or not, all of these things relate to the start of the school year and can make or break your student’s experience when going back to school. Below, we list Merrill and Linda’s top six tips for starting the school year off on the right foot.

six ways to ensure you start the school year off on the right foot:

1. Find and implement consistent routines. For some, this may be starting bedtime a bit earlier, turning screens off an hour before bed, or reading with their kids before bed to relax. Another great routine to practice is eating dinner as a family together each night. This time can be used to talk and unpack how everyone's day went, discuss how your kids are feeling about school or sports, and is an extra time to connect in a tech-free environment. It is also important to have your students participate in these new routines, whether it’s setting out their own clothes the night before school or helping pack lunches before getting ready for bed. This helps alleviate the chaos of getting out the door in the morning and helps teach them independence and responsibility. 
   

2. Set your priorities early. This piggybacks off of our first point… oftentimes our culture tells us that busy/full calendars = good parenting. This is a lie from the enemy! Most of the time, when our students have an overly busy schedule, it leads to anxiety and burnout, especially in our elementary-aged students. To avoid these unnecessary anxieties or burnout, we recommend prioritizing your family and marriage over filling your time with activities. Having time set aside for family will help your students recognize their safe place where they can unwind, relax, and feel safe.
   

3. Don’t get consumed by all the “extras”. This goes beyond the extracurricular activities and sports practices, especially for our middle school and high school students. We hear all the time about parents who are working multiple jobs or working 60+ hours a week just so their kid can play on traveling sports teams, have the nicest back-to-school clothes, have the name-brand cleats and helmets for sports, the best electronics and accessories, or whatever the next best thing is. Providing all of these “extras” can often lead to burnout and anxiety for parents, and ultimately it distracts the students from what is actually important - their education. 
   

4. Teachers need your partnership. We encourage you to get to know your kids teachers, counselors and coaches. Support them and partner with them throughout the year to build a relationship and trust. This helps them know that you are on their team and have the same goal of making sure your kid has the best experience possible. 
   

5. Teach your kids to connect with their teachers. A simple “Good Morning Mrs. Smith, how are you today?” not only teaches your kids how to build connections with other people, but helps them develop skills to recognize the feelings, emotions, and needs of others around them. This is the same for teachers as well. Once that relationship with your student is built, they may recognize different reactions or responses from your student that tell them your kid has had a bad morning, is tired, or is having a great day! 
   

6. Set the tone for how the school year should be approached. There are 3 ways we can set the tone - In a negative way, a neutral way, or a positive way. A negative tone for school might be set when your student hears you complaining about the administration or rules set by the district.  Or maybe you didn’t like school growing up, so you dont think your children should take it so seriously. A neutral tone would be if parents aren’t invested in their students' school life outside of the required meetings and signed paperwork. A positive tone is set when you encourage your children by saying things like “Your teacher is trying their best!” or “It's going to be a great day at school today!”  We recommend that if you have any issues with the staff, administration, or teachers, you use the Matthew 18 principle and go directly to them to work out whatever the issue is. If they don’t respond, grab another staff member or administrator and have them go with you to talk through the issue.

This school year, we encourage you to lean into your children. Talk to them about their days and reassure them that the anxieties they may be feeling around school, sports, or riding the bus can be resolved either as a family or by partnering with the school. Teachers and coaches are there to support you as parents and make the transition into a new year easier. If you need to talk through the anxieties or struggles that your family is facing at the start of a new school year, please give us a call at 812-576-7625 and we can chat and provide you with additional resources and support to make sure your child's school year starts on the right foot! 

To listen to the full “Back To School” podcast episode from Rock Solid Families, Click HERE

For more content related to faith, family, and fitness, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

What does a "Strong Dad" look like?

In the parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15: 11-32) a father had 2 sons. One was a rule follower and the other was more of a rebel. The rebellious son had asked for his inheritance early, and when he received it, he fled from his father’s home to go “live it up” in a distant city.

After blowing through his inheritance, he finds himself with nothing left and decides to return home. Upon his return, his father is relieved to see him alive and to have him back….so much so that he throws a party to celebrate!

Now remember, a parable is not a true story. Parables are Jesus’ way of creating a human understanding of God's qualities and desires for us. In this parable, the father of the prodigal son is manifesting the role of God our Father - celebrating His children opening their eyes and turning to Him!

In episode # 291 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson deep dive into the story of the prodigal son and reveal 6 characteristics of the father in the story that help us understand what it means to be a “Strong dad” today.  Those 6 characteristics are outlined below:

Six Characteristics of a “Strong Dad”:

1.       Unconditional Love: In the parable of the prodigal son, the father's love transcends his son's rebellion. He doesn't withhold affection as punishment. For Dads Today: Show your love consistently through your actions and words. Let your children know they are loved regardless of their choices.  You don’t have to love their choices but work hard to love them through their choices. When you see a bad choice make sure to separate them from the choice in your judgment.  For example, say “Your choice is ridiculous.” versus  “You are ridiculous”.

 2.       Allow Freewill - The father of the prodigal son did not try to stop, redirect, or even threaten his son to change his mind.  He allowed the son to make his own decision to leave. For Dads Today, obviously we are not recommending this for a young child.  But as our children turn into young adults, we must strongly consider releasing them to their ways. 

3.       Patient Trust vs Aggressive Chase: The father in the parable waits patiently rather than running after his son. He trusts that there is going to be good that comes from all of this. He may have felt impatient and wanted God to deliver his son back to him faster, but this is not mentioned in the parable.  For Dads Today: Practice patience. Growth takes time. Trust your children's ability to learn their own lessons and make amends.

4.       Unending Desire for Restoration: The father in the parable never “writes him off”.  He's constantly aware and watching for his return.  For Dads Today: Be observant. Pay attention to your children's subtle cues, their joys and struggles. Be present in their lives.

5.       Unconditional Forgiveness: The father of the prodigal son doesn't look at his son and say, “You need to apologize to me before I can forgive you.”   He embraces his son the moment he sees him, demonstrating immense compassion.  For Dads Today: Focus on reconciliation, not punishment. Let forgiveness be a bridge to rebuild the relationship and mutual respect.

6.       Celebrate God’s Work: The father throws a feast, not out of obligation, but out of joy for his son's return. He gives freely, restoring his son's dignity. For Dads Today: Be generous with your love, time, and resources. Celebrate your children's victories, big and small.

To listen to the full Rock Solid Families podcast episode on this topic, click HERE.

For more content related to faith, family, and fitness, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

www.rocksolidfamilies.org

Are You An Insecure Parent?

Recently, a divorced mom came to see me wanting help with the relationship with her adult children. The more we talked, the more she began to realize just how insecure and anxious she was as a parent raising her children as a single mom.  She lived in a constant state of anxious “what ifs”.  She also struggled with guilt from the divorce and not being “good enough” as a parent.

After our first session, I gave her some homework and asked her to begin reading the New York Times Best selling book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. At our next meeting, she shared with me how one line in the book stopped her in her tracks and opened her eyes. She even sent the quote to her adult daughter and asked her…”is this how I made you feel growing up”? This is what she read in that book that was so impactful for her… “To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.”― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

Does that quote describe you?   Are you parenting out of fear and insecurity rescuing your son or daughter from the natural consequences of their behavior?  I have to admit for a long time that was me too. It was my own insecurities and fear that drove many of my decisions as a parent. Thankfully, I am married to an adventurer and risk taker, who helped me see exactly what Dr. Henry Cloud was talking about in his book, Boundaries. I didn’t want to hold my children back from being all that God had designed them to be. 

Here are our Five Insecurity Busters that I learned the hard way in becoming a healthy, secure parent. I hope these five tools help empower you and your children to be all that God created them to be. 

1. IDENTIFY your own fears AND how they influence your parenting decisions. What in your background or past are you running or hiding from? What happened to you that you have never healed from or dealt with that you are now trying to protect your children from? We can’t heal from something we don’t acknowledge. If you don’t know where to start, seek wise biblical counsel to help you see past your blinders. 

2. EQUIP your Children for Difficult Times. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage,  “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach him how to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” Let’s face it, your children  will have difficult times. Don’t try and save them from difficult things. You leave them ill equipped and unprepared to face difficulties.  In other words, you render them powerless.

3. TEACH your kids how TO  assess “Risk vs Reward” when making any decision and then let them reap the reward or consequences of those decisions. Remember what Dr. Henry Cloud said in the book Boundaries, we don’t want to rescue our children from the natural consequences of their decisions. Help them learn this now while they are still under your roof.

4. ENCOURAGE your kids to build up their resilience muscles.  When they get knocked down, encourage them to get back up. Acknowledge and have empathy for their pain, but don’t protect them from failure or hurt. 

5. MODEL a dependency on God for your strength, comfort, and direction. A healthy dependence and trust in God is the greatest insecurity buster ever. Knowing God is bigger than anything they may face in life is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give your children. Teach them to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”  Matthew 6:33.

We all struggle at times with our own insecurities, but as parents, we must try NOT to pass them along to our children. They will have enough natural ones on their own as they grow and mature.  If we truly want to help the next generation we must give them the tools they need to handle the challenges of life rather than hide and shelter them from them.

Reasonable risks and adventures are healthy and necessary for your child to grow to their greatest potential. Again, let’s stop handicapping our kids out of our own fears and limitations. Let’s teach and equip our children  how to overcome the challenges they will inevitably face in life and set them up for great success. 

God has NOT given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

For more information on Insecure Parenting, check out Episode 232 of Rock Solid Radio that airs April 17, 2023 or click HERE for more good stuff on Faith, Family and Personal Wellness.

Going Downhill Fast

Growing up, you would typically find my best friend, Nica, and I hanging out with the neighborhood gang bicycling around our subdivision. We thought it was fun riding around trading bikes back and forth, but in the spring of my fourth grade year, it turned out to be anything but fun. It was the first warm day of spring, and we had both decided it would be a good day to break the bikes out for a test drive. We were on each other’s bikes heading down a nearby hill when Nica yelled, “by the way, my brakes don’t work!” Did she really just say what I think she said? I began to panic, as we picked up speed heading down Miami Avenue and straight for my grandma’s house. What came after that was all a blur. The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital laying flat on a gurney. Apparently, bikes and brick walls don’t go well together. 

I have long forgiven Nica for the defective bike and concussion, but I still haven’t forgotten the intense fear from that warm spring day. Even after forty plus years, I STILL get nervous when going downhill fast. I know, I should be over that fear by now, but if I’m not careful, I still find myself getting anxious about going skiing or riding a bike. 

How about you? Do you have anxieties or fears that keep you from living your best life? Maybe something that you can link all the way back to your childhood? I know I’m not the only one. Most of us have some kind of fear or phobia that can make us think twice. That’s pretty natural, but we can’t ignore the effect the past two to three years has had on the state of our mental health. COVID has accelerated the decline in an already sad and anxious world. Pardon the pun, but you might even say we are going downhill fast!  But even before COVID, we were seeing a rise in anxiety and depression.  Check out the top three culprits that contribute to the decline of our mental health.

1. Lack of Sleep

2. Poor eating

3. Lack of Exercise

So what’s going on? Why are these big three having such a drastic effect on our mental health? Hmm! Any guesses? You guessed it- SCREEN TIME. No surprise that research has found a direct correlation between screen time and anxiety/depression especially in children’s developing minds. According to a 2021 study, San Diego State University psychologist Jean Twenge and University of Georgia psychology professor W. Keith Campbell write, “too much time spent on gaming, smartphones and watching television is linked to heightened levels and diagnoses of anxiety or depression in children as young as age two”, according to their new study.

They report, “Even after only one hour of screen time daily, children and teens may begin to have less curiosity, lower self-control, less emotional stability and a greater inability to finish tasks.” 

“Twenge and Campbell found that adolescents who spend more than seven hours a day on screens were twice as likely as those spending one hour to have been diagnosed with anxiety or depression – a significant finding.”

So, mom and dad, we need you! We need you to step up and be the parent. It’s time we take a stand and fight back against what the world says is cool and ok for our kids. No, your children won’t like it when you delay the smartphone or turn off the tablet, but that’s ok. They’re kids. No different than when you tell them they can’t have candy for dinner. They don’t want to hear the word “NO”, but they desperately need healthy limits. They need someone in their life that models what healthy looks like.  Please mom and dad, give your child a chance to experience the peace and joy that comes with healthy habits and a healthy mind.  It’s time we stop letting the world define what our kids should or should not have or do. Let’s try and stop this runaway train before it hits the wall. Our kids desperately need our help because the research is alarming. The state of their mental health is going downhill way too fast!

Click HERE for a FREE DOWNLOAD on Recognizing Anxiety and Depression in our Kids and the steps to help them.

Kids and Their Friends

When I was growing up, the friends I had were either kids I went to school with or neighbors who lived on my street. If you are over the age of 40, you know what I’m talking about. We didn’t have the world wide web that could connect us instantly with someone across town or in a different state. We didn’t have social media platforms that would allow us to “find friends'' instantly. Kids today are dealing with scenarios we never had to deal with when it comes to making and keeping friendships. Yes, it's a whole new world, but as a parent, there are some basic sound principles that are still important to keep in mind when it comes to your child and their friends.

FRIENDSHIP PRINCIPLES

1. Speak early and often about what a healthy friendship looks like. This can start even at the age of 2 when your child finds a new friend on the playground. Things like kindness, sharing, taking turns are all values you should begin to instill in your child the day they start interacting with others. 

2. Surround your kids with other families who share similar values. Put them in positive environments where there are other children and adults who will model what you want your child to be like. One of the favorite places for our children has been at church where families from all walks of life come to build a rock solid foundation for their home and family. I didn’t say perfect kids, but ones who are being guided with similar values as yours.

3. Ask lots of questions about who they like to be around and why. If your child is school age, make sure you initiate frequent casual conversations about things like the playground, the cafeteria, the classroom. Who do they play with and what do they like to do together? It’s a great chance to get a peek into your child’s world and see if they are making good choices in their friendships. Make your home a safe place to come with any conflicts or difficulties in their friendships. Not that you are going to go in and fix it for them, but help them brainstorm how to resolve the conflict themselves.

4. Encourage your kids to bring their friends around your home and family, so that you can observe how they interact together. Listen in on car ride conversations and how they talk to one another. Watch how they play on the trampoline together or what they do in the basement when you’re not around. Make sure you follow up privately with them any concerns or red flags you begin to have. 

5. Keep the lines of communication open and comfortable even into their teen years. When our kids are teenagers, it becomes more difficult to monitor every little friend interaction, but it’s still super important to keep the lines of communication open about their friendships. Continue on the same routine as above asking them about their friendships and what they enjoy about those friends. Invite their friends to hang out at your house. If you find your teen is always going over someone else’s house, get to know that family. Make sure you connect with those parents and have regular communication with them. Your child is less likely to sneak or lie, if they know you have the ability to follow up and confirm their plans. Not saying you always have to but always can if needed. 

Walk with the Wise
There is a very wise proverb that says, Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. Proverbs 13:20. If you learn that your teen is walking with the fools and suffering harm, don’t save them from the natural consequences of their actions. They will never learn if you are always saving them or defending them. 

If your teen starts hanging with the wrong crowd and breaks your trust, explain to them you are not judging or condemning their friend. No one is forcing your child to make these poor decisions. Make sure they understand the buck stops with them. They are responsible for their own actions and consequences. As a consequence of breaking your trust, limit his/her exposure to that friend or group until the trust has been restored. In the meantime, flood their schedule with positive people and healthy environments. Whether it be a mentor, sport, club, youth group, church function, serving opportunity or all of the above, help them to walk with the wise and become wise. Obviously every child and home is unique, but we believe that by applying these principles you can prepare your child for rich and healthy friendships, as they grow into a healthy, independent adult. If we can help you and your family work through some of the things we’ve mentioned in this blog or in this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio, please give us a call at 812-576-ROCK. We’re here to help!

Click HERE to watch Episode 153 of Rock Solid Radio, Kids and their Friends

Click HERE to listen to Episode 153 of Rock Solid Radio, Kids and their Friends

Start Young

On this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio, Episode 151- “Do you want a child centered home?”, we shared with our listeners and viewers why a child centered home is a recipe for disaster. We layed out the biblical model for a strong and healthy home-God, Marriage, Children.

This approach to parenting and family starts young, usually at the fun stage we like to call the “terrible twos”. You know that season of parenting when our little ones begin their quest for autonomy and independence. It’s a pivotal season for parents as they decide and model the authority in the home. It can definitely be an exhausting battle as the toddler exercises his/her new found voice and strong will, but it’s one that parents MUST be intentional about if the kids have any chance of success later in life.

If you are a single parent and are tempted to give in or give up the fight because it’s too hard, please keep reading. It can be done, and it is so worth the energy now to prevent bigger headaches later. 

I’ve worked with children for over 30 years and I get it. There is no foolproof method and no easy ride. Our children will find every way possible to push our buttons and wear us down. We’re not going to get it all right and our kids are not going to either. This is a parenting journey not a destination, and please don’t expect this season to go perfectly. You’re going to blow it. I know I did...many times, but I got back on the horse and stayed the course. Here are a few priceless lessons your children and grandchildren will quickly learn if we fight for a God Centered home instead of a Child Centered one:

1. “You’re not the Boss”- Kids quickly get the message that mommy, daddy, and anyone else responsible for their care are the boss. The respect for authority starts from the moment they can walk and talk. Learning this important lesson early and reinforcing it at every stage of development equips your child for the real world and sets them up for success later on. We will always have people in authority over us in life-teachers, bosses, police, etc. It’s better if we get used to it early.

2. “No Manners, No Way”-Even at the young age of two, our granddaughter already knew that manners were a must. It was “Yes, please” and “No thank you” if she had any chance of getting what she wanted. Even getting up from the table after a meal required a polite ask to be excused

3. “Waiting not Whining”-Whether it’s entertaining themselves before dinner or waiting in the check-out line, patience is a learned behavior. Throwing fits should never get a child what they want. 

4. “We’re A Team”-Serving should start young. Everyone in your home should have a job. It may be picking up toys, throwing a diaper in the trash, or putting dishes in the sink, but even a two year old can help.

5. “You are Loved”-There’s not a day that should go by that your child doesn’t hear you say, “I love you”. But words are not enough. Children can pick up on your mood and emotions. Be careful disciplining in anger. Make sure you always circle back around and reassure your child that they are loved. It makes a child feel safe and secure.That way they don’t equate discipline with rejection. 

6. “Follow Me”-None of the lessons above mean anything unless they are practiced as well as taught. The old saying of “walking the walk not just talking the talk” is so true. The apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 11: 1 says, “Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ.” Whether you like it or not, your child is watching your every move and will learn best by what is modeled around them.  When in doubt, look to the example of Christ. He is the ultimate role model. If you don’t respect and obey his authority, most likely they won’t either. If you don’t serve others with a generous heart, how will they ever learn to? As a parent if you don’t regularly remind them how much they are loved, they will go searching for someone who will and chances are it won’t be in a positive way.

I know none of this is rocket science, so why aren't more parents doing it? Respect for authority, manners, serving others are just a few character qualities that are becoming extinct in society today. So many parents have disengaged. Giving in seems so much easier to an exhausted dad or overwhelmed mom.  Tablets and smartphones with instant gratification have replaced parenting and patience. 

Let’s turn the tide in this next generation. I'm so thankful for the many young parents who are setting some healthy boundaries and basic life rules in their family. Let’s get back to those virtues and qualities that not only make our home one of peace and love but our world a much better place to live.

Click HERE to watch to Episode 151 of Rock Solid Radio, Do You Want a Child Centered Home?

Click HERE to listen to Episode 151 of Rock Solid Radio, Do You Want a Child Centered Home?

What's the Hurry? The Importance of Delaying the Smartphone with our Children

If you’re over the age of 30, then you’re most likely in the same boat we are, adults who did not grow up with a smartphone in their pocket. As a matter of fact, as parents of five children ranging from ages 30 to 13, we didn’t even have this issue when our two oldest sons were growing up. Smart phones were just coming out and the peer pressure to have one was minimal. No one expected parents to put a $1000 mini computer into the hands of an immature, squirrely middle schooler. That would be a ridiculous notion. 

The Pressure to Give In
Our world today, however, looks at smartphones very differently. When we adopted our three youngest in 2015, we were shocked at the expectations they had when it came to smartphones. For many kids, phones equal love and popularity.  Now, parents feel this overwhelming pressure to hand their elementary age child a smartphone or smartwatch with an unlimited data plan, so that they can fit in and be accepted by their peers. Parents rationalize the need saying it’s to “get a hold of the child”, when in reality they are most likely around an adult or older teen who has one. If they were being completely honest, most parents generally give in to a smartphone at an early age for one or two reasons: 1. They don’t want their child to be ostracized or left out among their peers. 2. They don’t want to look like the neglectful parent who doesn’t love their child or can’t afford one.

Critical Stages of Development
At Rock Solid Families, we recommend parents push past that pressure of instant gratification and delay putting a smartphone into the hands of a child at least until the age of 14 or the 8th grade. There is so much data and so many experts who agree with us. Research tells us minimizing the use of screens and delaying the onset of smart devices helps our children mature and develop physically, emotionally, and logically. A child’s prefrontal cortex is in the critical stages of development in elementary and early teen years, and screens do nothing but stunt and rewire that healthy growth. Are you dealing with immature outbursts, an increased level of anxiety or depression, or disrespectful backtalk? Chances are screens are playing a part in what you’re seeing.

Wait Until 8th
So mom and dad, join the thousands of other parents who have decided that they will delay the smartphone until their child is emotionally ready to handle what’s coming across it. Tell your children NOW you are setting a healthy boundary as their parents.  If you’re interested in learning more, there is even a non-profit organization called waituntil8th.org that gives more resources and research to support this healthy boundary for our children.

If You Loved Me
When our three youngest were adopted and moved into our home, they were ages 11, 10 and 7. It was the hardest for the older two, because they already had many peers with smart phones in their pockets. They begged and pleaded for us to give them one. Our 10 yr old daughter even went around telling her classmates that her “new mommy” was going to buy her the latest iPhone 7. My heart broke at her distorted view of what real love looked like.  

Set the Boundaries Now
It took a while for our youngest three to realize that it is because we DO love them that we’re going to wait to give them a smartphone. It’s not really a discussion in our home anymore. The boundary has been set. The expectations have been laid out. As our youngest son enters the 8th grade this year, he knows that the possibility of having a phone begins, but it’s not a guarantee. It’s a privilege and freedom that we take very seriously. The decision to give him a smartphone will come NOT when the world tells us to, but when we feel as parents it’s the right time for him. 

Join us for week 2 of our Rock Solid Radio series I Want it Now as we unpack the instant gratification of phones and entertainment today. 

Click HERE to view this week’s podcast

Click HERE to listen to this week’s podcast

Are You A Rescue Parent?

By trying to protect children from failure now...you actually set them up for greater failure later. Merrill Hutchinson

Earlier this year my daughter in law shared a video with me that showed her kids hiking with her on a wet sloppy trail.  At first, it looked like a great family adventure out in mother nature on a beautiful trail. Suddenly, our two-year-old grandson took off running up the trail. Before anyone could really react, he tripped and fell flat on his face.  Mud and water splattered and his entire face and belly were covered with mud. This was not a little stumble causing a fall to the knee. This was an all-out face-plant! The next thing you hear on the video is my daughter in law chuckling and saying, it’s all right, you’re fine.  When she finally caught up to him, he began to stand up and when he saw she was smiling, he began to laugh. She laughed right back at him and they continued up the trail.  

Now, maybe this shouldn’t even be a story worth referencing, but I believe it has merit.  After working at the elementary school level for over 20 years, I have met many parents that would handle this scenario in a completely different manner.  Just speculating, but I can imagine parents that would have yelled at their children as soon as they took off running. “Don’t run, you’re going to trip and fall!”  Or, after seeing their child fall, running in a panic as if their child just broke their neck. Or, maybe having a child on a leash just to prevent them from even having the opportunity to leave your side.  Or, the ultimate in protection, “No, we are not going to hike on a muddy trail. Someone could get hurt and it will be a muddy mess.” Which parent are you?

We love our daughter in law not just because she married our son.  We love them as parents to our grandchildren because we believe they are raising their children to be problem solvers.  They are growing up to be strong, courageous, adventurous, and most importantly, victors and not victims. On a daily basis, they allow their kids to take reasonable risks. As parents, they are teaching our grandchildren to celebrate the victories but also learn from the mistakes. 

No doubt, parenting can be difficult; wondering if you are doing and saying the right things.  Wondering if your discipline is effective and meaningful. Wondering if you are growing your kids to thrive and survive in a sometimes cruel world.  Wondering if you are giving your kids too much or too little. These may be real thoughts and fears, but here’s the important question I think you need to ask yourself.  What kind of adults do you want your children to grow to be? In my 20 years of working with parents, I more often than not get the same answer. “When my child is an adult, I want them to be happy, independent, well-adjusted, and feeling successful in their life.” AWESOME! Me TOO!

As parents, we understand we can’t guarantee our children a problem-free life.   In fact, there’s a better chance we could guarantee them a life with challenges and problems. None of us are guaranteed a problem-free life, but if we want our children to succeed in life and be well adjusted later, we must equip and teach them NOW how to navigate problems and failures.   I would suggest that attempting to remove all the problems, or solving the problems for your children, places them at incredible risk for a very tumultuous and unrewarding life. By trying to protect children from failure now...you actually set them up for greater failure later.

So, how can I help my child grow to be that adult that is happy, independent, well-adjusted, and feeling successful?  

• Realize and understand that your child is not perfect and neither are you.

• Don’t own your child’s mistakes or short-comings.  If they fail, allow them to fail. Don’t argue with the teachers, coaches, referees, or anyone else about something your child did wrong. When they mess up, look at the situation as an incredible teaching moment!

• Never make excuses for your child and never tolerate excuses from your child.  Excuses are the first step to allowing your child to become a victim. “It’s not my fault” are words that should not be tolerated in your home. 

• Limit the amount of time that you will allow your child to pout or feel sorry for themselves.  Yes, there will be emotion when a child suffers loss, rejection, or makes a mistake. That’s okay!  But please do not allow them to get stuck there. Once the emotions settle, train them to shift into problem-solving mode. Again, you do not solve the problem.  Encourage them by saying, “Okay, that didn’t go the way you wanted. What are you able to do about it now?” That’s empowerment!

• Practice what you preach.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, and own them! When you’ve made a mistake let your children see that you admit the mistake and that you are able to work toward solving the problem. 

• Encourage age-appropriate risk-taking and allow them to own the natural consequences of those risks.  “Yes, you can ride your bike and jump off your homemade ramp, but if you wreck, you need to understand you could get hurt.”  With that being said, if they wreck, you do not scream and yell, “I told you so!” Instead, we say something to the effect of.  Wow! That looks like it hurt. Are you okay? Alright, go clean up your wounds and get back on your bike!  

• Encourage exploration and exposure to activities your children are good at and things they are not necessarily good at.  This is all part of the discovery process. They may find something they excel at that ultimately directs the pathway of their life.  Or, they may find something that they never want to do again, and they will have solid reasons for why they don’t want to do it. 

My parents were not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but when I look back at what they gave my siblings and I, I am so grateful. I am most grateful that they taught us about putting our faith and trust in God in this difficult world. I am so grateful they taught us to be honest and hardworking and take responsibility for our actions and teaching us to take risk and trust that things will work out.  As I write this I hear my dad’s voice saying what he so often said to us; “Do something even if it’s wrong!”

“None of us are guaranteed a problem-free life, but if we want our children to succeed in life and be well adjusted later, we must equip and teach them NOW how to navigate problems and failures. ”

— Merrill Hutchinson

One Size Does Not Fit All

How many times have you made the statement; “I wish these kids came with an instruction manual!” Yes, don’t we all!  

One Size Does Not Fit All!

In an effort to help people, many experts have written books about child rearing, but all too often, the information falls short. This is especially true in dealing with difficult subjects such as discipline, self-esteem, confidence, and social interaction.  You quickly glean through the well-intended tactics from your favorite new book, only to find out that it doesn’t quite work like they said it would. Ugh!!! What’s even more frustrating is when you use the material on one of your children with excellent outcomes, but it’s a complete failure on their sibling.  Typically, I will hear parents say, “They both live in the same house, have the same parents, live with the same rules and experiences, how could they be so different?”

Welcome to parenting! If it were only so easy as to read a book and have all the answers.  What many fail to realize is the uniqueness of every child. It’s for that reason that one size simply does not fit all.  So, how do we go about raising these unique beings? Over the years, I have had the opportunity to try many different tactics and ideas.  Some made me a believer, others, not so much. One thing I came to realize is that I needed to stop looking for “cookie-cutter” answers and take the time to learn who the child was.  Let me explain.

I listen to people talk about bringing back paddling into the school, of which I’m not opposed. However, I will tell you that paddling is not the answer for all kids. I've dealt with some kids that need little more than a stern voice to curb an unwanted behavior.  On the other hand, I’ve seen kids that I truly believed you could have hit with a 2x4 and they would respond with, “is that all you got”?

I’ve also heard people discuss how building confidence and self-esteem is critical.  On the surface, this seems reasonable, but again one size does not fit all. Some kids come to us with confidence dripping out of their pores.  In fact, if they don’t know how to handle it, they can be some of the worst people to associate with. Ever met someone who was always right or difficult to teach or coach? This type of confidence exudes itself as arrogance.  And, yes, there are those kids that doubt everything they say or do. Never believing they are good enough, constantly seeking affirmation, and quite frankly, often just as difficult to be around as the arrogant child.

As a parent, understanding this scripture is critical to raising your unique child.

Romans 12:4-8 (NIV)

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Yes, every body part has significant value to the total body.  One is not better than another. Would it make sense to make your eye function and behave like your ear?  That’s ridiculous! So is it ridiculous to think we should expect the same function and behavior from our kids. Should they all go to college? Should they all play sports? Should they all like to read? Should they all be leaders? The easy answer is NO!  But, way too often we see parents pushing things that may very well be what the world is saying is important, but not what God intended for your child.

 How do we deal with these unique kiddos?  

1. Spend time working on what your child needs the most help with.  If your child is a naturally confident, borderline arrogant child, you may have to help them understand and practice humility.  Teaching them how to listen to other’s point of view.  Teaching them how to let others go first. Teaching them to be better listeners and value the opinions of others. Teaching them to openly admit when they are wrong and make necessary apologies.

If your child lacks confidence, then you most likely do not need to spend a great deal of time teaching humility. Rather, you could begin to work on their positive self-talk.  You do not tolerate or accept excuses or down-trodden talk. You strongly challenge them to take action. If it leads to a win, you celebrate it. If it leads to a loss, you teach them how to learn from the failure.  

2. Teach your child to NEVER be a Victim! No matter what cards your child has been dealt, they will have their share of failure in their life. Teaching your child to come out as a victor rather than a victim is a lifelong tool that will serve your child well no matter who they are. Whether your child is an academic genius, or struggling to pass school, a potential pro-athlete, or sitting the bench, you can still teach them the value in never being a victim. We do this by teaching our kids to own or take responsibility for everything they do.  We do not tolerate excuses or blames.  No, it’s not the referee’s fault that you lost the game.  It may sound good at the time, but it completely removes responsibility from your child to get better.  Teaching your child to be a victor is one of the most empowering things that you can do. They will no longer have to wait for things to go their way.  They will begin to understand what it means to Make it a Great Day rather than Have a Great Day!

3. Teach your child the value of Self-Discipline. I remind my kids even when they don’t want to hear it; “I will discipline you until you can learn to discipline yourself!”  That is the key to why we discipline our children.  We really just need them to self-discipline. Again, no matter who your child is, research has proven time and time again, that a necessary trait for happiness and success in life is self-control. https://www.inc.com/rohini-venkatraman/science-says-self-control-is-a-key-success-factor-boost-yours-immediately-with-these-tips.html

Your kids will not like this parenting tactic, but you owe it to them to help them to practice the skill of self-control in their daily activities and decision making. Immediate gratification and self-control are on two opposite ends of the spectrum.  Help your child move toward the side of long term success and happiness - self control!

4. Teach your child about God and why he created them the way they are.  As your child grows up, they begin to have the ability to compare.  Yes, they compare how good they are, how bad they are, how tall they are, how smart they are, how athletic they are, how artistic they are, and the list goes on.  They soon realize that they are never going to be the best at everything. Someone will always be better! This is where we get into the self-esteem concerns. Self-esteem drops when a child believes there is something wrong with them.  Simply stated; they aren’t good enough!

Teach your child about their total uniqueness. They entered this world as a unique Child of God made in His image.  No one in the world is who they are. No one in the world has the exact combinations of talents, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses.  This combination has been hand selected by God. Teach them to stop wanting to change what God has created and embrace who He intended them to be.  Teach them to identify their strengths and then build them. Teach them to identify their weaknesses and how these weaknesses will help steer their path to serve out God’s intention for their life.  

Don’t fall into the trap of letting the world determine who your child should be.  Encourage them to be who God intended them to be. Like the old adage says, “God doesn’t make junk”!