Recently, a divorced mom came to see me wanting help with the relationship with her adult children. The more we talked, the more she began to realize just how insecure and anxious she was as a parent raising her children as a single mom. She lived in a constant state of anxious “what ifs”. She also struggled with guilt from the divorce and not being “good enough” as a parent.
After our first session, I gave her some homework and asked her to begin reading the New York Times Best selling book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. At our next meeting, she shared with me how one line in the book stopped her in her tracks and opened her eyes. She even sent the quote to her adult daughter and asked her…”is this how I made you feel growing up”? This is what she read in that book that was so impactful for her… “To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.”― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No
Does that quote describe you? Are you parenting out of fear and insecurity rescuing your son or daughter from the natural consequences of their behavior? I have to admit for a long time that was me too. It was my own insecurities and fear that drove many of my decisions as a parent. Thankfully, I am married to an adventurer and risk taker, who helped me see exactly what Dr. Henry Cloud was talking about in his book, Boundaries. I didn’t want to hold my children back from being all that God had designed them to be.
Here are our Five Insecurity Busters that I learned the hard way in becoming a healthy, secure parent. I hope these five tools help empower you and your children to be all that God created them to be.
IDENTIFY your own fears AND how they influence your parenting decisions. What in your background or past are you running or hiding from? What happened to you that you have never healed from or dealt with that you are now trying to protect your children from? We can’t heal from something we don’t acknowledge. If you don’t know where to start, seek wise biblical counsel to help you see past your blinders.
EQUIP your Children for Difficult Times. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage, “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach him how to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” Let’s face it, your children will have difficult times. Don’t try and save them from difficult things. You leave them ill equipped and unprepared to face difficulties. In other words, you render them powerless.
TEACH your kids how TO assess “Risk vs Reward” when making any decision and then let them reap the reward or consequences of those decisions. Remember what Dr. Henry Cloud said in the book Boundaries, we don’t want to rescue our children from the natural consequences of their decisions. Help them learn this now while they are still under your roof.
ENCOURAGE your kids to build up their resilience muscles. When they get knocked down, encourage them to get back up. Acknowledge and have empathy for their pain, but don’t protect them from failure or hurt.
MODEL a dependency on God for your strength, comfort, and direction. A healthy dependence and trust in God is the greatest insecurity buster ever. Knowing God is bigger than anything they may face in life is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give your children. Teach them to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:33.
We all struggle at times with our own insecurities, but as parents, we must try NOT to pass them along to our children. They will have enough natural ones on their own as they grow and mature. If we truly want to help the next generation we must give them the tools they need to handle the challenges of life rather than hide and shelter them from them.
Reasonable risks and adventures are healthy and necessary for your child to grow to their greatest potential. Again, let’s stop handicapping our kids out of our own fears and limitations. Let’s teach and equip our children how to overcome the challenges they will inevitably face in life and set them up for great success.
God has NOT given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7
For more information on Insecure Parenting, check out Episode 232 of Rock Solid Radio that airs April 17, 2023 or click HERE for more good stuff on Faith, Family and Personal Wellness.