Maximizing Work Capacity - Functional Fitness for Every Day Life.

Are you fit enough to do everyday life?

We often hear about people going to the gym to build muscle and sculpt the picture-perfect body, but the truth is many of us don't have the time or interest to build the perfect body, we just want to be more active and healthy. In other words, we want to build a healthy work capacity.

Work capacity is our ability to do work. Work by definition is Force x Distance. That means you apply a certain amount of force in order to move an object or complete a task. Work Capacity is simply how much or even how long you can carry out or perform the workload. Going to the gym to build bigger muscles does not necessarily equate to helping you be more functional in your daily life. Doing heavy reps and then walking around and resting in between sets does little to enhance our ability to sustain activity in our daily lives.

Cutting the grass, running a chainsaw, mopping the floors, and washing the windows are tasks that require us to start the job and carry out the workload associated with that job until it's finished. This means we have to sustain work over a period of time. In order to become more functionally fit, it is important to incorporate movements and workouts that closely replicate daily living. Bending over to pick up a heavy bag of groceries, climbing a flight of stairs, loading and unloading a truckload of mulch, carrying baskets of laundry up the steps… these are the types of patterns and weight we want to incorporate into our workouts. On top of this, we want to set a goal of sustaining the pattern over time. This constant movement requires the most vital organ of our body to work and strengthen - our heart.

Linda and Merrill specifically use a piece of fitness equipment called the Kettle Bar, which was invented by Merrill himself. The Kettle Bar came to fruition because Merrill saw that building overall fitness and work capacity was the desire of not only himself but many of the clients he works with. The Kettle Bar can be used in many ways that replicate the movements that are often required of us in our everyday lives.

On our Rock Solid Families Podcast, Episode # 282, Merrill and Linda talk about work capacity, functional fitness for our everyday lives, and demonstrate how to incorporate the Kettle Bar into your fitness routine to increase your ability to perform everyday tasks.

Watch the podcast video here: https://youtu.be/YauadyydAJo?si=xLLuxzfKmIy-iyRb

For more information on the Kettle Bar and how to incorporate it into your fitness routine, visit https://www.kettlebarfitness.com/.

For more information on scheduling faith-based coaching or fitness classes with Rock Solid Families, please visit http://rocksolidfamilies.org.

Life Giving Grit - Do You Have It?

For whatever reason, I have lately been very interested in learning and hearing more about what I’m calling “Life-Giving Grit.”  You’ve heard these stories before.  The person who suffers devastating blows only to never give up and finally prevail in the end.  The movie “Rocky” comes to mind.  I have also been reading a couple of different books about Holocaust survivors - Wow!  Some incredible stories of survival have come out of that tragedy.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Elie Wiesel, and Oskar Schindler are just some of the heart-moving stories that continue to live on. 

I also have more than a couple of friends and family who are in the long-haul battle for their lives against cancer or other illnesses.  I watch as they pull themselves from one treatment to the next with no guarantees that anything is actually going to work.  Nonetheless, they carry on.  Some of them have lived and continue to live with such grace and strength that inspires others.  This has challenged me to ask, “What would I do in these situations?”

To be clear, none of us want to invite tragedy or hardship into our lives just to see if we can pass the test.  But, as life would have it, many of us will be tested.  I wonder how I would stand up to the test.  I wonder how strong my faith and hope would truly be.  How about you?  How strong would you walk through the darkness?  

I have taken a little time to study and observe more about these enduring characters.  What is it about them that sets them apart, what traits do they have or what actions do they take to move on with such grace?  My list is not intended to be the final say on survival, but rather some suggestions and ideas that maybe all of us could benefit from whether in difficult times or not. 

Here are five different things I’ve noticed. See what you think. 

1.    The Eye of David - You’ve heard about the “tiger’s eye”.  I have thought about the story of David and Goliath and tried to imagine what David actually looked like when he stepped into the ring against Goliath.  Against all odds, and staring into the face of a giant, David must have had a certain “look” to him.  I think of that as the look of the tiger, the “tiger’s eye”. That look of absolute focus on the matter at hand, likely to be tunnel vision, where nothing else really matters at the moment.  That look is only fueled by eliminating all other possible outcomes other than a triumphant win.  David could not have looked at Goliath with fear and trembling.  He had to look at him with determination and faith that he would prevail. 

2.            “Pick Me” Mindset - They are the “all in” volunteers.  They invite opportunities to walk through hardship because they have faith that something better will come. 

3.            No Paralysis From Analysis - We have all been around people who are terrible about making decisions.  They overthink and second-guess every possible solution.  They use excuses such as, I’m still gathering information or I’m praying about it, way longer than is beneficial.  Instead, these people make a decision and then go with it.  It may not be the perfect answer, but they are willing to live with the responsibility and consequences of their decisions.  They are not afraid. 

4.            Problem Solvers, Not Statement Makers- They ask great questions that lead to powerful answers.  “What can I do about this?”  Many of us get stuck in stating the obvious. We make a statement about a given problem and then we leave it sit.  “I have cancer.”  That may be a true statement, but if left there, it is nearly worthless.  Problem Solvers say, 'I have cancer, what am I going to do about it?’  Asking a question of self-empowerment is the fuel to get things moving. Remember, this has nothing to do with whether or not your solution is going to work.  It simply means that you are not stuck and stranded without options.

5.            Action Figures - Finally, people of great survival stories are people that are movers and shakers.  They are action figures. They don’t sit back, they do!   I’m reminded of Todd Beamer, the man who tragically lost his life as a victim on United Airlines Flight 93. The plane was hijacked and ran directly into the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001. Todd recognized that things did not look good for him and all the other passengers on that flight.  Rather than sit in his chair and cry, which would have made perfect sense, he corralled a group to storm the cockpit of the plane.  The possible outcomes were not good no matter what happened, but going down without a fight was not an option.  When they got their plan together, Todd Beamer was heard saying. “Let’s Roll”.  In other words, it is time to go to work.

As I mentioned earlier, none of us want to be tested in such life-or-death situations, but it is only through adversity that we truly learn who we are and what we stand for. My challenge is to know who I want to be prior to finding myself in the battle for my life. How about you?

Finishing Strong!

— Merrill Hutchinson

President of Rock Solid Families, a faith based marriage and family coaching organization in St. Leon, IN. For more information, contact 812-576-ROCK.

Six Essential Steps to a Rock Solid Family

At Rock Solid Families, we have the privilege of working with couples and families every day.  We believe families are the most important building blocks of our society and when families aren’t doing well, so goes society.  So, without apology, we believe families must be intentional about being healthy and functioning well.  This may sound like common sense to many, but it’s getting harder and harder to identify what a healthy family looks like.  What happening behind closed doors in strong and healthy homes compared to dysfunctional, unhealthy ones?  What can we do to help to build a stronger and healthier community and society?

At the risk of oversimplifying, we want to give you six essentials that every healthy parent can do TODAY to build a healthier family and society for TOMORROW.  

1. Healthy parents lead the family.  Parents are naturally in a position of authority and leadership in the home. Most parents have something that children often don’t have when they are young and that is WISDOM. Parents must stop second-guessing what they know to be right. They can draw from their own upbringing along with all their past experiences and begin to form a greater understanding of what works and what doesn’t.  

2. Healthy parents unite and determine the VALUES of the home and how the family will operate under that value system.  For us, that’s our Christian faith and beliefs. Parents that have not defined their family values will soon see that the children will live for the most important thing in their lives, themselves. If you don’t understand this, just look at the behavior of a 2-year-old or a 16-year-old. The only difference is about 3 feet. In order to help our children through these times of self-seeking desires, we as parents must continue to guide them into the values of the family over the values of self.  In our home, Christ is priority #1 , and he is the rock solid foundation we build upon and lean on when the storms in life come.

3. Healthy parents teach the essential SOCIAL SKILLS for living with others. Please stop underestimating the importance of teaching your children manners and civility.  Manners are of primary importance in society.  Manners are our way to demonstrate that other people are also important and valuable.  Children that fail to learn and demonstrate that others have value tend to develop a practice of valuing themselves above all else.  The term we use for this is narcissist. People that operate with a high level of narcissism tend to have greater difficulties in relationships in their personal lives as well as professional lives.  They are less tolerant of others.  They get frustrated more easily when things aren’t going their way.  They are faster to change jobs or get out of relationships because they are fast to put their needs ahead of others.  In the short term, this can make them happy.  But in the long term, there is often less happiness as they look back and see a wake of broken relationships and a lack of stability in their lives. Never underestimate the importance of the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would want to be treated. 

4. Healthy parents model what they desire in their families. MODELING is best explained by the phrase, “more is caught than taught”.  If you want your children to learn and practice a particular skill or behavior, demonstrate in your daily living.  Things like manners, work ethic, faith, and emotional control are much better taught through daily modeling versus preaching.  A greater concern about modeling is when we as parents preach a particular behavior but act in a completely different manner. This causes confusion within our children and is their first encounter with hypocrisy. 

5. Healthy parents discipline their children.  Proper discipline when a child is young leads to self discipline as they grow older. As the pendulum of life tends to swing from one side to the other.  So too have we seen the pendulum of parents recognizing and implementing discipline in the home.  Many of us grew up with parents we considered to be “strict”.  They would discipline us quickly and often.  But, that idea fell out of vogue around the 1980’s and we now see the fruit of that experiment. We now complain about adults and teens who are selfish, lazy, and entitled.  We wonder why they won’t get off the couch and get a job or work out a marriage when things are getting difficult.  We have come to realize that the quality of life that a person has is largely related to their ability to self-discipline.  The idea of correcting yourself and keeping your desires under control.  We discipline our children now so they will learn to self-discipline as adults. We are now seeing the need for the pendulum to swing back to a healthier need for discipline in the lives of our children. 

6. Healthy parents serve and teach the value of SERVING to their children.  At the age of about 2 years old your child begins to have an understanding of their world.  They begin to interact and express very intentional desires.  This is when parenting truly kicks in. This is when we as parents must recognize the need to teach our children about service to others.  Without the understanding of the need to serve others our children will believe they are only there to serve their own needs.  This does not work well in our adult world.  None of us would be able to survive if we did not understand the value of serving others.  Every job is centered around doing something for someone else.  Providing a value to the life of another person.  Whether it is a doctor, teacher, carpenter, or garbageman, all occupations are rooted in service for the good of another person.  If you believe you can get people to pay you a salary solely by serving your own needs, good luck!  Teaching service is among the greatest gifts you will ever give your children.  Don’t hold this back from them. 

In summary, our children are our greatest resource as a nation; they are our future leaders. Are we setting them up to be great citizens and leaders for the good of all of us?   It is time for us to take a serious look in the mirror to see what we can change to benefit our future. 

Stop the Nagging!

It has been said that nagging can be as harmful to marriage as adultery. If none of us likes to be nagged, why does it continue to happen?   Wouldn’t the whole family just be happier if all the nagging went away?  The simple answer is, YES!  

Feeling Invisible
So where do we begin?   In a nutshell, nagging comes from when we try to control what we see as important in our lives.  This need for control can be rooted in fear, insecurity, anger, mistrust…you name it. The person nagging may feel dismissed, invisible or misunderstood, but the way they go about resolving the problem isn’t very effective. It’s like using a sledge hammer for a project that needs a screwdriver. Instead of solving the problem, nagging tends to do more harm than good and can damage a relationship beyond repair.

Relationship Tools
So how do we stop the nagging and bring peace back to the marriage? Well, we need some different tools in our tool box. The first is the tool of Active Listening  That means we’re not just talking about the events of the day, but rather talking about how others are doing or feeling through the course of the day.  Through active listening we learn to physically observe and notice how are partner is doing.  Not just by the words they say, but how they say it. Do they seem tired, agitated, angry or frustrated?  If so, it is a great time to give them a little first aid by showing them that you notice their mood and then offer to help.  In order to do this we must implement the tool of Empathy. In other words, try imagining how it would feel to “walk a mile in their shoes”?   We do this not to feel sorry for them, but to try and understand why they may be feeling what they are feeling. Using these two tools help us to move toward fulfilling our wedding vows of for better or for worse.

Time to Step Back
Whether you are nagging or being nagged, it is important to use the tool of Emotional Awareness.  This simply means to take a step back and recognize your emotions before others recognize them for you.  If you are yelling and screaming and don’t have an understanding of your emotional state, you are likely to say and do things you regret.  Take some time today to practice reading your emotions and the people around you.  When you recognize a heightened negative emotional state in yourself or someone else, step back, take a break and allow the emotions to calm down.  This is the tool of Time Out

No More Under the Rug
One tool that we recommend is the Tool of Assertiveness. Many times the nagging is taking place because one or both partners from the very beginning did not “mean what they say and say what they mean”. They’ve maybe brushed things under the rug or made assumptions.  For example, if your partner is telling you they want to play golf next weekend and you agree to it, then you are best to stick with your agreement.  On the other hand, if you see the outing conflicting with the family’s schedule, then you need to be honest up front with your spouse and work together for a compromise or solution. Be assertive with your thoughts and words in a loving and respectful way, and you will have no reason to nag. 

When We Blow It
Let’s face it, sometimes we just blow it! Our emotions get the best of us and as we feel overwhelmed we say and do things that aren’t always helpful.  When this happens (and it will), the most powerful tool we have in our toolbox is the tool of Apology. Yes, I said it, APOLOGY! Holding back the apology fans the flame of anger and stress in the marriage and creates a greater disconnect as a couple.  The faster we learn to authentically apologize for our negative attitude, words, or nagging, the faster we will bring peace back to the relationship. Even if we feel like we are only 5% in the wrong, apologize for that 5%. Don’t let your self-righteousness and insecurity keep you from dropping your defenses and healing the wound before it destroys your marriage.

Click HERE to watch the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging\

Click HERE to listen the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging

Making Memories

It was only seven miles down the road but to our youngest, it was the “coolest place ever”. Recently, our family was invited to a friends house for a day of swimming, eating, and fireworks. It was such a fun day filled with lots of memory making moments. Little kids and big “kids” alike spent the day playing volleyball, cornhole, and swimming in our friend’s pond. Some brave souls including our 13 yr old were even jumping off a high diving platform doing dives and flips into the water. Then there were a few crazy kids like our son who dared to climb up on the “BLOB” and wait for someone to catapult him high up in the air and into the pond below. They even had homemade ice cream you could help churn (and then eat of course) before settling down to a great fireworks show. It was such a fun day with lots of new experiences and memories made.

Reflecting Back
When we reflect back on our childhood, often times, some of the best memories we have come from holidays and vacations spent with family and friends. The value and importance of those fun times and special memories can not be denied.  It’s easier living out the day to day grind when we can reflect back and remember those special times of the past.  We strive to recreate that good feeling again and again by dreaming about and planning for future trips and get togethers. 

A Book Full of Memories
Take vacations for example. The experiences, adventures, sights, and even mishaps can turn an average week into an incredible book of memories. Traveling to different places and getting out of the normal routine help these experiences become more deeply entrenched memories.   These memories are like having game film to go back to and review over and over again. (And if you’re anything like my wife, it usually involves lots and lots of pictures just in case she forgets.)  These new and different experiences help us cling to what is good and inspire us to create more positive memories for the future.  We start to see these special times as valuable and crave them even more. As parents, we can often get wrapped up in the busyness of life and lose sight of the value of new experiences and spending time together.  Vacations, family celebrations, and summer fun give us opportunities to create new memories that give us hope for the future.

Not on the Itinerary
If we’re being totally honest, however, many of our best memories have come from things NOT on the itinerary. They were things that we didn’t intentionally plan for or think about. You know things like getting caught in a rain shower while hiking on a trail.  A sudden rainstorm wasn’t in the plan, but the memory of that day is definitely etched in our minds as we all jumped and splashed in the mud puddles like little kids. Or how about going camping and waking up to a family of raccoons eating our morning breakfast.  Our little visitors were NOT on the agenda that weekend, but it definitely made that year’s camping trip quite a memorable one. I’ll never forget the constant belly laughs coming from our children as they got knocked over by the ocean waves over and over again. It’s like they couldn’t get enough.

Plant the Seeds
We can’t always plan when they’ll happen, but we can plant the seeds. You know, provide opportunities for memories to be made. When was the last time you took a break from the routine? When was the last time you lived in the moment with family and friends and enjoyed what God has blessed you with?  This is where the fun and memories are made.   

Time to Rethink
If you have brushed off the importance of taking a vacation or doing something different with your family, maybe it’s time to rethink it.  You and your children will never have a shortage of difficult times in life.  One of the best ways we can drive through challenging times is to be able to reflect on the good memories of the past.  Don’t let another season go by without adding a little more JOY to your family. Go out and make some memories!

A New Man With a New Plan

In March of 2021, I received a phone call from a young man who was a couple years into his marriage.  He claimed he wanted help becoming a better man and husband.  My initial thought was that the marriage was in trouble, and he was desperately seeking to save it. We set up our first appointment and we began to talk.  I asked him to describe his marriage and its overall health.  He said without hesitation, “Oh, my marriage is great!”. I responded with a little bewilderment in my voice saying, “Well then, what can I help you with?”   He said, “I need help learning how to stand up for my wife and myself”. 

Intimidated by Dad
Meet Zach and Emily, a young couple in love who truly enjoy being together and dreaming about the future.  But, as I began to work with Zach, I recognized how timid he was.  As we talked, he would sink in his chair; when he didn’t know what to say, he would just go silent.  He did give me a clue to the problem when he started talking about his authoritarian father and how no one wanted to challenge his authority.  When challenged, his dad would quickly escalate his voice to a roar and begin intimidating everyone in the house.  As a boy, Zach was intimidated by his father and would never even dream of challenging or disagreeing with him.

Out of the Line of Fire
As Zach got older, he began to disagree with how his father acted and reacted in the house, but the disagreement remained in his head.  Partly out of respect and partly out of fear, he would cower down to his dad and never challenge him on anything. That actually seemed to work very well most of the time.  Zach remained out of the line of fire, and his dad remained on the throne.  Zach’s behavior soon settled in to be his character.  Whether in the house or out of the house, he was timid - afraid to stand up for himself, his values, or his faith.  He became very unsure of himself as he was worried about making the wrong decision and disappointing people in his life.  His habit was to sit back and just let everyone else tell him what to do.  

Making all the Decisions
As a young married couple, make no mistake about it, Emily loves Zach.  She loves his gentleness, caring, attention, and willingness to take care of her, but soon into the marriage, she began to feel like she was carrying making all the decisions.  Everything from when the garbage needs to go out to how they should manage their money.  Zach was not being defiant; he was just waiting for his orders.  Emily did not want to be in a position of giving orders. She wanted Zach to lead.

Becoming the Man She Needs
Everything came to a head when Zach’s father began to weigh in on Zach and Emily’s life as a married couple.  He would make comments that demoralized  Zach as a man. He would question why they did the things they did.  On the other hand, he would never take input from anyone else.  Emily began to recognize that she did not appreciate how Zach’s dad was treating him or them as a couple.  She began to challenge Zach by questioning him as to why he doesn’t stand up to his father.  Why doesn't he take initiative with running his own home?  Zach started to realize that he was not being the man or husband God called him to be.

Getting Help
This realization is what brought Zach to Rock Solid Families.  He had enough insight to recognize that something needed to change; he just didn’t know where to begin. That’s when we began to educate him on his upbringing, and how he was responding.  We began to have conversations about how his dad behaved and how Zach responded. We talked about how the pattern of timidity began to grow and become more and more entrenched into Zach’s being.  Once we were able to isolate the cause and effect connection, we were able to begin a new way forward.  

Working Together Toward a Solution
Emily began to attend sessions with Zach.  She was a critical component to helping Zach see a clear picture of what she needed as his wife. She in turn learned how to help and encourage him at home. Zach came in session after session willing and eager to learn knowing he had something better in him as a man.  Each week, Zach and Emily would practice new assertive actions in the home and when they were out together.  Zach did what may seem like simple things like take out the garbage or cut the grass without Emily’s prompting or second guessing himself. Emily learned that if she wanted these new habits to stick she had to encourage and praise not criticize Zach through his timidity.  

Practicing Fire Drills
The big test of Zach’s new found strength was going to come when he had to interact with his father.  Admittedly, Zach was nervous and concerned that he would just fall right back to his old self and allow his father to dismiss him as a man.  Zach and Emily learned how to establish and communicate healthy boundaries as a couple. In session, they practiced “fire drills”  where the two of them would run through potential hypotheticals to see when and how they would respond.  The more Zach and Emily practiced this, the greater their confidence became.  They actually began to be believe in themselves as a couple and that their marriage was theirs to protect.  This was empowering and even exciting.

 The Day of Reckoning with Dad
The day of reckoning finally came with a family get together.  Zach and Emily were confident and ready to respectfully respond to any snide remarks or disrespectful behaviors from Zach’s dad.  Zach’s dad came to the outing that day and quickly noticed that Zach had a certain confidence about him.  Zach did not respond to his father’s inappropriate remarks that day. He ignored them and refused to let his dad get in his head.  By not giving his father’s remarks any attention and energy, Zach noticed his dad backing down from his typical authoritarian persona.  On the other hand, Zach was starting to carry himself with greater confidence and strength than ever before.  It reaffirmed how he wanted to be as a husband and man of God. 

A New Man with a New Plan
Not only did this new confidence help in his relationship with his dad, but with his wife as well. Emily loves the man Zach is now.  She feels greater confidence in their relationship and less stress, because she now knows she’s not carrying the load alone.  Zach is truly a new man with a new plan.  He is now walking with his shoulders back and finding his confidence in who Christ made him to be.  He is learning to give himself grace when he makes mistakes, but continues to get back up.  Zach now looks forward to being a better husband, son, brother, neighbor and someday, a father.  He has much to give and now is ready to do so, all because he has uncovered the man God created him to be.

Don’t Settle for Less Than God’s Best
Zach and Emily’s story is one of new hope and life.  God created us in His image, but we often blame him for who we are. When, in fact, we have just allowed life to mold us into someone less than who God intended us to be.  Before you give up on yourself or someone else, understand that God gives us the ability to change. Your upbringing and environment can truly shape you for the good and bad.  When you want to see a better version of yourself, begin by praying to God and recognizing that you do not have to be a victim of your environment.  

Rejecting Pornography - Prudent or Prudish?

“It’s what men do.” “What’s the big deal, at least I’m not with another woman.” “It’s my business and it isn’t hurting anyone else.”  These are just a few of the types of statements we hear people using when it comes to pornography use.  As much as I realize that I too am a man, and I too would like to believe the statements above.  The reality is that we see firsthand pornography destroying individuals, marriages, and families.  Yes, I too would like to believe the lies I have told myself about pornography use. But, the harsh reality is that pornography is dangerous and harmful to our culture.  Check out these statistics just to get a glimpse of what is actually going on in this industry. 

Stats or Research - •

• 30 percent of all data transferred across the Internet is porn. 

• The sex industry is the largest, most profitable business in the world

• The porn industry is one of the fastest-growing industries in the world, with a net worth of nearly $100 billion, with the U.S. coming in at over $10 billion.

• Larger revenue than Google, Apple, Yahoo, Netflix, Amazon, Microsoft, and eBay combined.

• The porn industry makes more money than the NFL, NBA, and MLB combined. More than ABC, CBS, and NBC combined.

• Every second of the day there are over 30 million unique visitors viewing porn. EVERY SECOND!

• Over 300,000 underaged girls are currently being sold for sex just in the United States. 

• People who admitted to having an extramarital affair were also 300% more likely to admit to consuming porn than those who did not have an affair.

• The average age a child is introduced to porn is now 11 years old. 

• It’s not just a men’s issue anymore. “76% of 18 to 30-year-old American women report that they watch porn at least once a month.

• The female-targeted erotica novel series, Fifty Shades of Grey, grossed over $1.3 billion alone. Pornography isn’t just a man’s issue. 

Pornography is dangerous and destructive on multiple levels.  It is addictive as it stimulates dopamine production that makes us feel good or aroused.  The more we get, the more we want.  This starts the dangerous cycle of addiction.  

Due to the addictive nature of pornography, people are willing to pay large amounts of money to feed their fleshly desire.  This creates the market for making money.  The problem is not that money is being made, but that money is being made at the expense of others.  Such terms as human trafficking, sex slaves, and prostitution, have exploded out of this industry.  All coming at the expense of those unable to recognize or stop the problem.  Women, children, and even babies fall victim to this industry.  All for the sake of making money by feeding a fleshly human desire.  

Satan loves this industry.  It literally tears people and families apart.  It breaks down God’s perfect design for our society by breaking individuals and families.  The next time you consider giving a nod of approval to the pornography industry, ask yourself if you would be happy with your child being enslaved to an industry that exploits her for her body with no care of her overall mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. 

When we let the facts speak, we see that the truth is that a rejection of pornography no longer needs to be considered a prudish action, but rather a prudent one.  Help to save your marriage, children, and yourself by taking an active stance against pornography.

Click HERE to LISTEN to our podcast on Rock Solid Radio episode 139, Instant Gratification-Sex and Porn.

Click HERE to WATCH our podcast on Rock Solid Radio episode 139, Instant Gratification-Sex and Porn.

Jake's Story

Have you ever heard the story about the prodigal son?  The wayward son took his inheritance and arrogance and went out to live his “best” life.  The results were disastrous - trouble, brokenness, isolation, anxiety, and depression. Hardly, what any of us would consider a “best” life, but here’s the great part.  When humbled, the son returns to his father who accepts him with open arms.  The love of the father and the restoration of one’s life is what we call grace!  

Sounds a lot like Jake’s story.  Jake is a young man who began dreaming of all the fun and excitement he could have by doing his own thing. In 7th grade, Jake began experimenting with alcohol and drugs.  His introduction to alcohol came through his friends’ older siblings.  He describes that time as boys just hanging out having fun.  He loved hanging out with those older guys and enjoyed the feeling of drinking and laughing with his buddies.  

Fast forward into 8th grade when Jake had the opportunity to experience marijuana for the first time. Jake describes his first-time as euphoric which led him to seek it out over and over again.  Jake’s marijuana use continued for years. When he got his driver’s license, his newfound freedom allowed him to get high almost daily.  During this time, Jake withdrew from almost all activities that used to be part of his life, which we know is a huge red flag.  Sports, family time, and school activities were replaced with hanging with friends that would smoke pot and working to buy more.

Jake has a soft heart and never wanted to hurt his family, but he could not escape the hold that euphoria had on him.  In order to keep the peace, his avoidance and manipulation grew in order to hide his “dark side”.  Jake became very sneaky and would use his charm to mislead others.  He was very good at telling everyone what they wanted to hear but then doing what he wanted to do.  As good as he thought he was, his mom knew something was going on. He would get caught and there would be consequences, but he would turn the blame on his mom, not himself. As a self-centered, arrogant young man, Jake only felt remorse for himself and would get angry about being caught.  Nonetheless, his mom continued to show Jake tough love not tolerating his self-destructive and illegal behaviors.  

Without working too hard at school and barely showing up, Jake was able to maintain a “B” average and graduate high school.  To Jake, his decent grades only fueled his deception and pursuit of his addiction.   Out of high school, Jake loved the life he was living and continued to enjoy the euphoric experience of drugs.  He began to experiment with psychedelics and the likes of mushrooms and such.  Jake knew he was taking his drug use to a deeper level, but he had fooled himself in thinking he could handle it. After all, he had graduated from high school while getting high every day.

All Good Things Must Come to An End

Two years ago, Jake hit a wall after a very bad situation with the law and found himself facing up to 15 years of prison time.  His mother continued to love Jake through his ordeal, but knew she couldn’t save him from the consequences of his actions. Facing the possibility of 15 years in prison, Jake began to realize the seriousness of his decisions and how his life would be forever different.  After his charm and sweet-talk fell on deaf ears, his attorney encouraged him to seek counseling and begin real-life change. This is when Jake reached out to Merrill Hutchinson and Rock Solid Families.   

Merrill, President of Rock Solid Families, was formerly Jake’s elementary school counselor.  When Jake reached out to Merrill, there was an instant connection and desire to help.  Jake came for his first session and began to reveal all of his years since Merrill had known him as an elementary school counselor.  Jake was painting a side of himself that Merrill had never seen.  Jake appeared remorseful and mostly scared. He had a great deal riding on this and knew that he needed to do everything possible to prove to the courts that he was actively seeking a new and changed life.  

Merrill’s approach to Jake was much like a coach.  Jake was expressing all the trouble he was in and what needed to happen in order for him to improve his chances with the courts prior to sentencing.  Merrill made it very clear that if Jake was just seeking out this help to get through the courts, then he really wasn’t interested in helping.  He was not going to enable Jake to continue to manipulate the system and people to get his way.  Merrill explained that this work would be intense and that Jake would be held accountable for his work of restoration.  Merrill explained that he would not write any letters to the courts appealing for anything less than the maximum sentence unless Jake had proven himself committed to the coaching work laid before him.  Jake agreed with Merrill’s approach and expectations and stated that it was time for him to make some serious changes with how he was living life.  

Jake began working on multiple fronts. He came in for weekly coaching sessions, did his homework in between, and even began to physically take care of himself.  He began working out in the Rock Solid Family gym and enjoying a more healthy approach to living.  

Merrill recognized how thoughtful Jake truly was.  His big heart and thoughtfulness began to show through and Merrill began to challenge him to use these traits for something greater.  Jake and Merrill had many conversations about God and the Bible.  Jake’s familiarity with the Bible was limited, but his desire to listen and learn about God was fresh.  Many sessions involved Jake and Merrill walking through passages of scripture, and how they could help Jake build a better life.  Among the most impactful awakenings, Jake had about himself was his heart for others. He first began to understand the depth of his mom’s love for him.  How she never gave up on him even when he hated the things she was saying or doing.  He realized how he was using and manipulating people only to satisfy his immediate selfish desires.  Jake’s life began to change for the better when he saw the teachings of Christ’s love and grace come alive around him.

Jake began to make statements like: “Your habits create who you are; it’s time for me to change my habits.”  “I used to spend my free time thinking about how and when I was going to get high.  Now I think about who I want to visit, and spending time with my family.” “I never even gave thought to my body and what I was eating or how I was exercising.  Now, I’m more conscious of eating right and adding exercise to my days. I’ve lost a ton of weight and stronger than I’ve ever been.”  “I used to hang out with risky people willing to do risky things.  Now, I hang out with people that build me up, or I can help build them up.”

The Return to Your Mother’s House   

Jake’s sentencing date finally came after being postponed several times.  But, these postponements ended up being a blessing as it gave Jake more time to continue his path of change.  When the judge looked at Jake’s work and the progress made, he made the decision to move Jake’s felony charge down to a misdemeanor.  His sentencing time went from 15 years in prison to 2 years of probation. Jake will be completing his two years of probation in a matter of months.  He has a fresh start on the horizon. 

Jake has been and continues to do the work of change.  Sober for nearly two years, he has recognized the ways of his past and owned the choices he made.  He now has a healthy relationship with his family and is attending college to get his Master’s degree in Social Work maintaining a 4.0 GPA.  He is now intentional about capturing those negative thoughts  BEFORE they get him in trouble.  He can see the bigger picture versus living in the moment to get high. Jake is busy working two jobs and using his money to pay for school and even learning to save for retirement.   

When asked what he would tell his 7th-grade self, this 22-year-old definitely had some things he wished he would have understood back then. For Jake, marijuana was a gateway drug.  The scariest thing was how much he enjoyed it even using the term “euphoric”. He couldn’t get enough of it, and it led to many other destructive things.  He wished he would have understood how his choices would have negatively impacted his life and the lives of his family.  He wished he had his high school years to do over, as he blew every opportunity to be involved in sports and other activities.  He hates to think of all the doors of opportunity that he shut on himself when it came to academics and college. He hates to think about how much money he lost because of the drugs and now defending himself in court.  

His maturity and humility have created a whole new way of life for Jake.  His understanding of personal responsibility and the need for Christ in his life have given Jake a fresh start. God is still writing Jake’s story, and we look forward to seeing Jake continue to grow and become the man God intended him to be.  Living with a purpose far greater and more meaningful than serving his own desires.

Help! Strong Dads Needed!

Have you ever seen someone stuck trying to solve a problem and from a distance you knew exactly what the solution to the problem was?  You think to yourself, “come on man, all you have to do is ...” The solution is crystal clear in your mind and it drives you crazy that the person you are watching can’t seem to see it.I didn’t say the solution would be an easy process;  I just said the solution is clear. This is where we get things messed up. We often want solutions to be obvious and easy.  The reality is that sometimes the solution is obvious, but the implementation is difficult.  

In this past year of running Rock Solid Families and the 20 years before that working as a school counselor, this is exactly how I feel about the many societal ills we face as a nation.  Whether we are talking about crime rates, homelessness, poverty, drug abuse, lack of civility, mass shootings, etc. The one common factor is broken families, and to drill a little deeper, lack of Strong Dads! The statistics are overwhelming! 

Poverty – Children living in female headed families with no spouse present had a poverty rate of 47.6 percent, over 4 times the rate in married-couple families. (Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2011, Table C8. Washington D.C.: 2011.)

Drug and Alcohol Abuse – Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse.    (Source:U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

Education – 71% of high school dropouts are fatherless; fatherless children have more trouble academically, scoring poorly on tests of reading, mathematics, and thinking skills; children from father-absent homes are more likely to be truant from school, more likely to be excluded from school, more likely to leave school at age 16, and less likely to attain academic and professional qualifications in adulthood.      (Source: Edward Kruk, Ph.D., “The Vital Importance of Paternal Presence in Children’s Lives.” May 23, 2012.)

Crime -  A 1% increase in the proportion of single-parent families in a neighborhood is associated with a 3% increase in an adolescent’s level of violence.    (Source: Knoester, C., & Hayne, D.A. (2005). “Community context, social integration into family, and youth violence.” Journal of Marriage and Family 67, 767-780.)

Sexual Activity – Being raised by a single mother raises the risk of teen pregnancy, marrying with less than a high school degree, and forming a marriage where both partners have less than a high school degree.  (Source: Teachman, Jay D. “The Childhood Living Arrangements of Children and the Characteristics of Their Marriages.” Journal of Family Issues 25 (January 2004): 86-111.)

The solution is right in front of our faces.  In fact, if you are a man, you can look directly in the mirror and the solution will look right back at you. It is time to stop ignoring the “elephant in the room”, We need our dads to step up and do their job!  

 At Rock Solid Families, this is a primary area that we focus our efforts toward.  We are working hard to shine the light on the necessity for our men to step up and be the fathers they have been called to be.  Yes, the solution is easy, but the work is hard! Being a Strong Dad takes sacrifice, commitment, perseverance, and unwavering faith in the mission of fatherhood.  It means doing things that we don’t always want to do. It means giving time, money, effort, and our heart to something other than ourselves. 

 In an article written by David Peach, 11 Qualities of a Christian Father, David list 11 things that a father needs to be or do in order to positively impact their family and the generations to come:

1. Love God - living for your creator and recognizing that you didn’t create yourself, but were created with gifts for a purpose to serve

2. Love Others - demonstrate love through your willingness to sacrifice for others

3. Be a Mentor - understand your responsibility to coach, teach, and lead

4. Be Patient - learn to take a deep breath and step away

5. Be a Good Worker - show your family what a good work ethic is through your actions

6. Be Self Controlled - understand your emotions and keep them appropriate and healthy

7. Be Sober - avoid overuse of drugs and alcohol

8. Be Blameless - own your wrong doings

9. Be Worthy of Respect - your actions matter

10. Not a Lover of Money - understand the purpose and value of money 

11. Understand and Practice the Fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

How are you doing in these areas?  I know I struggle, but that struggle is with my selfish human nature and desires.  Understanding this is our first step to growing as a Strong Dad!

 If you are a father or plan to be one, I challenge you to take a good look at the men you have had in your life.  Emulate the ones that were positive and challenged you to be a great man. Learn from the ones that tore you down and make a promise to yourself and your family that you will not do this to your children. 

 If you have not been the father you know you need to be or are feeling convicted by this article, turn that conviction toward a positive change.  Start by making a commitment to your family. Make apologies and begin the healing and rebuilding process. Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild.  If you have not been trustworthy in the past, don’t expect that everyone will begin trusting you the minute you tell them you are a newly committed father.  Trust is developed by actions, not words. Show your family that you are the father and leader of your home. Be the man God called you to be and your family needs you to be.  Die to your selfish boyhood self and rise as the STRONG DAD positively impacting generations to come!  

 I challenge you to listen in to our weekly podcast called Strong Dads and follow us on this journey as iron sharpens iron. We don’t claim to have all the answers,but we trust in the One who does, Our Heavenly Father. You can listen to all our episodes by searching “Strong Dads” on Spotify, IHeart Radio, Apple Podcasts, or on our website rocksolidfamilies.org/podcasts.  If you or someone you know needs help or more information on how to be a Strong Dad, contact Rock Solid Families at 812-576-7625 or contact us through our website rocksolidfamilies.org.