It has been said that nagging can be as harmful to marriage as adultery. If none of us likes to be nagged, why does it continue to happen? Wouldn’t the whole family just be happier if all the nagging went away? The simple answer is, YES!
Feeling Invisible
So where do we begin? In a nutshell, nagging comes from when we try to control what we see as important in our lives. This need for control can be rooted in fear, insecurity, anger, mistrust…you name it. The person nagging may feel dismissed, invisible or misunderstood, but the way they go about resolving the problem isn’t very effective. It’s like using a sledge hammer for a project that needs a screwdriver. Instead of solving the problem, nagging tends to do more harm than good and can damage a relationship beyond repair.
Relationship Tools
So how do we stop the nagging and bring peace back to the marriage? Well, we need some different tools in our tool box. The first is the tool of Active Listening That means we’re not just talking about the events of the day, but rather talking about how others are doing or feeling through the course of the day. Through active listening we learn to physically observe and notice how are partner is doing. Not just by the words they say, but how they say it. Do they seem tired, agitated, angry or frustrated? If so, it is a great time to give them a little first aid by showing them that you notice their mood and then offer to help. In order to do this we must implement the tool of Empathy. In other words, try imagining how it would feel to “walk a mile in their shoes”? We do this not to feel sorry for them, but to try and understand why they may be feeling what they are feeling. Using these two tools help us to move toward fulfilling our wedding vows of for better or for worse.
Time to Step Back
Whether you are nagging or being nagged, it is important to use the tool of Emotional Awareness. This simply means to take a step back and recognize your emotions before others recognize them for you. If you are yelling and screaming and don’t have an understanding of your emotional state, you are likely to say and do things you regret. Take some time today to practice reading your emotions and the people around you. When you recognize a heightened negative emotional state in yourself or someone else, step back, take a break and allow the emotions to calm down. This is the tool of Time Out
No More Under the Rug
One tool that we recommend is the Tool of Assertiveness. Many times the nagging is taking place because one or both partners from the very beginning did not “mean what they say and say what they mean”. They’ve maybe brushed things under the rug or made assumptions. For example, if your partner is telling you they want to play golf next weekend and you agree to it, then you are best to stick with your agreement. On the other hand, if you see the outing conflicting with the family’s schedule, then you need to be honest up front with your spouse and work together for a compromise or solution. Be assertive with your thoughts and words in a loving and respectful way, and you will have no reason to nag.
When We Blow It
Let’s face it, sometimes we just blow it! Our emotions get the best of us and as we feel overwhelmed we say and do things that aren’t always helpful. When this happens (and it will), the most powerful tool we have in our toolbox is the tool of Apology. Yes, I said it, APOLOGY! Holding back the apology fans the flame of anger and stress in the marriage and creates a greater disconnect as a couple. The faster we learn to authentically apologize for our negative attitude, words, or nagging, the faster we will bring peace back to the relationship. Even if we feel like we are only 5% in the wrong, apologize for that 5%. Don’t let your self-righteousness and insecurity keep you from dropping your defenses and healing the wound before it destroys your marriage.
Click HERE to watch the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging\
Click HERE to listen the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging