The Secret Weapon to Preventing Divorce

This past weekend we helped lead a marriage enrichment weekend with an amazing group of married couples from our local area. It was so encouraging seeing couples there married more than 40-50 years as well as just a year or two. There were couples representing first marriages, second marriages, blended families, you name it. It was truly a melting pot. We laughed together, prayed together, and grew together. We were encouraged to see so many men and women wanting to strengthen and protect their marriage and family. In our time together, we shared with them the secret weapon to do both.

The Secret Weapon
Do you want peace, power, and protection for your marriage and family? Do you want the secret weapon in preventing divorce with over 99% effectiveness? Then pray together! Yep, that’s right. Less than ONE PERCENT of couples who pray together on a regular basis divorce. I don’t know of any tool that can rival that statistic, but unfortunately not many are tapping into the power.  Family Life surveyed thousands of Christian couples and found a sad and alarming statistic. You’ve probably heard one out of every two marriages end in divorce, but have you heard the statistic isn’t any better for Christian couples? Why is that? Maybe it’s because only 4% of Christian couples actually pray together on a regular basis.

Helping You Get Started
Why don’t more couples pray together? Every couple is different, but here are some suggestions that may help you get started:

1. BE POSITIVE- No throwing your spouse under the bus. Thank God out loud for your partner. Pray blessings and protection over your family. Focus on why you love them and thank God for them. It will fill the heart of your spouse and draw you closer to the Lord and each other.

2. BE BRIEF- Keep it simple and to the point. Make sure whatever routine you begin you can sustain. It’s not the time to show off your big vocabulary and flowery prayers. You want your spouse to feel comfortable with you praying out loud.

3. BE CONSISTENT - Find a daily time that works with you both and stick to it. Consistency is important but so is flexibility. If your schedule gets crazy and you have to mix it up, no worries. There are no rules.

4. BE TRANSPARENT- Don’t be afraid to share your heart with God in front of your spouse. Praying out loud alongside your spouse builds spiritual intimacy and creates a bond that cannot be easily broken. A mealtime prayer is always a great family practice, but it isn’t exactly the best time to build intimacy or transparency. You need time and privacy as a couple not a growling belly worried the food is getting cold.

5. BE PATIENT- Building spiritual intimacy takes time, but it is so worth it. God can do beautiful things with folks who seek Him above all else.

Seeing Into Your Partner’s Heart
So there you have it. My top five suggestions for praying together as a couple. After hearing those startling statistics mentioned above almost 20 years ago, my husband and I began praying together almost every evening before bed.  I’ll admit. It was awkward at first. We were used to praying rote prayers as a family not heartfelt ones out loud privately. As the spiritual leader in our home, my husband goes first and prays for me, our marriage, our family and anything else laying on his heart that day. Then I do the same. Often, we’ll share things in that prayer time we haven’t mentioned all day. It’s like seeing into the heart of my spouse. It’s also hard to harbor negative feelings and unresolved issues when we’re praying together on a regular basis.

So why not grab your spouse and start today? What do you have to lose? It may just be the tie that binds you together and draws you closer to each other and to the Lord.

Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecc. 4:12

Click HERE to watch Episode 159 of Rock Solid Radio, Why Should I Pray?

Click HERE to listen to Episode 159 of Rock Solid Radio, Why Should I Pray?

Stop the Nagging!

It has been said that nagging can be as harmful to marriage as adultery. If none of us likes to be nagged, why does it continue to happen?   Wouldn’t the whole family just be happier if all the nagging went away?  The simple answer is, YES!  

Feeling Invisible
So where do we begin?   In a nutshell, nagging comes from when we try to control what we see as important in our lives.  This need for control can be rooted in fear, insecurity, anger, mistrust…you name it. The person nagging may feel dismissed, invisible or misunderstood, but the way they go about resolving the problem isn’t very effective. It’s like using a sledge hammer for a project that needs a screwdriver. Instead of solving the problem, nagging tends to do more harm than good and can damage a relationship beyond repair.

Relationship Tools
So how do we stop the nagging and bring peace back to the marriage? Well, we need some different tools in our tool box. The first is the tool of Active Listening  That means we’re not just talking about the events of the day, but rather talking about how others are doing or feeling through the course of the day.  Through active listening we learn to physically observe and notice how are partner is doing.  Not just by the words they say, but how they say it. Do they seem tired, agitated, angry or frustrated?  If so, it is a great time to give them a little first aid by showing them that you notice their mood and then offer to help.  In order to do this we must implement the tool of Empathy. In other words, try imagining how it would feel to “walk a mile in their shoes”?   We do this not to feel sorry for them, but to try and understand why they may be feeling what they are feeling. Using these two tools help us to move toward fulfilling our wedding vows of for better or for worse.

Time to Step Back
Whether you are nagging or being nagged, it is important to use the tool of Emotional Awareness.  This simply means to take a step back and recognize your emotions before others recognize them for you.  If you are yelling and screaming and don’t have an understanding of your emotional state, you are likely to say and do things you regret.  Take some time today to practice reading your emotions and the people around you.  When you recognize a heightened negative emotional state in yourself or someone else, step back, take a break and allow the emotions to calm down.  This is the tool of Time Out

No More Under the Rug
One tool that we recommend is the Tool of Assertiveness. Many times the nagging is taking place because one or both partners from the very beginning did not “mean what they say and say what they mean”. They’ve maybe brushed things under the rug or made assumptions.  For example, if your partner is telling you they want to play golf next weekend and you agree to it, then you are best to stick with your agreement.  On the other hand, if you see the outing conflicting with the family’s schedule, then you need to be honest up front with your spouse and work together for a compromise or solution. Be assertive with your thoughts and words in a loving and respectful way, and you will have no reason to nag. 

When We Blow It
Let’s face it, sometimes we just blow it! Our emotions get the best of us and as we feel overwhelmed we say and do things that aren’t always helpful.  When this happens (and it will), the most powerful tool we have in our toolbox is the tool of Apology. Yes, I said it, APOLOGY! Holding back the apology fans the flame of anger and stress in the marriage and creates a greater disconnect as a couple.  The faster we learn to authentically apologize for our negative attitude, words, or nagging, the faster we will bring peace back to the relationship. Even if we feel like we are only 5% in the wrong, apologize for that 5%. Don’t let your self-righteousness and insecurity keep you from dropping your defenses and healing the wound before it destroys your marriage.

Click HERE to watch the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging\

Click HERE to listen the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging

Never Say Never

When my husband and I started at Rock Solid four months ago, we were in bad shape. We had let years and years of resentment grow and fester in our hearts. As a woman, I had forgotten why we were even together and didn't think there was anything worth saving. We had tried therapists in the past, but neither of us had given it a 100%. With our previous therapists, I always felt I was right, and my husband always felt attacked. I didn't see a way out other than divorce.

That is when God put Merrill Hutchinson and Rock Solid Families in our lives. From the very first session, we both felt heard. Merrill showed us that we were BOTH causing damage not only to each other and our relationship, but to our kids as they watched our bad habits. Merrill helped up see how we needed to bring God into our marriage, or we weren't going to make it. Over the course of a few months, we were given the tools on how to handle conflict and how to communicate with each other. Without the Lord and Rock Solid Families, we would not have made it. Since coming to Rock Solid Families, my husband and I are closer than we ever have been before.

Don’t you just love seeing what God can do with two willing hearts? How he transforms our lives and our relationships into something that honors Him? At Rock Solid Families, we don’t claim to have all the answers, but we trust in a mighty God who does. With every client, we try and lean into His power and seek His wisdom. We don’t always get it right, and there are definitely times we miss the mark. After all, He’s God and we’re not. But when we humble ourselves and surrender our way for His; there’s no telling what God will do. Hearing stories like the one just shared with us confirms that God is still in the life changing business.

The apostle Paul understood better than any of us how God’s power was made perfect in OUR weakness. No fancy words. No magic pills. Just the power of the Holy Spirit and the wisdom of the one who created us in His image. So NEVER SAY NEVER when it comes to His power at work in your marriage and in your hearts. As Paul says, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him. (1 Corinthians 2:9)

We are committed at Rock Solid Families to spread that message of HELP and HOPE with everyone we work with. That is why we do two weekly podcasts and videos on the topics of faith, family, and personal wellness. Rock Solid Radio and Strong Dads are two programs we write and record weekly to help spread that message with our community and abroad. We are blessed to have listeners from all over the world. You can find both on YouTube and most major podcast platforms like Spotify, IHeart Radio, Apple and Google Podcasts. Don’t know how to find those? Just go to our website, rocksolidfamilies.org. It can all be found there too. We are committed to putting tools and resources into the hands of those ready for change. We are passionate about helping to build more strong and healthy individuals, couples, and families. When an individual gives up or a family falls apart-everyone loses. Help us help others, but sharing this blog or one of our shows. And remember, no matter how bad things may seem right now, NEVER SAY NEVER, because with God all things are possible! (Matthew 19:16)

Lean In and Look Up

"We are at the end of our 25 year rope. Can you help save our marriage?" Those were the words Jon and Anna used just one year ago when they reached out to Rock Solid Families for help. Even after twenty-five years of marriage and five children between the two of them, Jon and Anna felt consumed by past baggage and present life stressors. The storms of life were trying to take them under. When they came to Rock Solid Families in June 2019, they felt empty, bitter, and exhausted.

So many couples like Jon and Anna walk through the doors of Rock Solid Families every day ready to give up. Satan uses things like distraction, discouragement, and distorted thinking to destroy the lives of individuals, couples, and families. Satan tries to pull them away from the things that really matter through distractions like busyness or success? He has used the recent headlines of COVID, racial unrest, political division, economic depression to pull marriages and families under with fear and anger? The distortion of God’s absolute truth has been a very popular tactic of the enemy lately. Just look at the way the enemy’s lies have caused despair and chaos in our world today.

Jesus tells us how to weather these life storms in Matthew 7:24-27.

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

What are you building your life and family on? Is it what society says is “true” and “good”? Are you basing your happiness on your own self serving motives and feelings? All those things are sinking sand. They can not hold you up when the storms of life hit. We’ve all experienced storms in life whether you call it infertility or infidelity. Maybe you’ve experienced the devastation of death or divorce. Whatever it looks like, you will always have storms hit your home. Then what?

For Jon and Anna today, they are in a much better place. They believe the Lord used Rock Solid Families and a ministry called Retrouvaille to save their marriage and equip them with the tools they needed to not just survive the storms but thrive during them. They have found community and accountability through Celebrate Recovery where they often share their story with other couples in crisis. Other couples have walked through our doors seeking help saying..."we are here because of Jon and Anna".

There is not one tear that God does not see and want to use for good. Jon and Anna's story reminds us of the hope and help found in God and God alone. They are a reminder of what happens when we lean in and look up. Jon and Anna had to be reminded, even after 25 years of marriage, that Satan is the enemy not their spouse. They have learned how to lean in and work together as one team. They have learned how to “mean what they say and say what they mean” in their communication, so that bitterness and resentment do not take root. They have learned how to truly listen to their partner, so that the other feels loved and heard.

Jon and Anna rebuilt their foundation from the ground up. Do they still have bad days? Sure. They are human, but it’s different this time. They have learned how to lean in and look up committing to each other and keeping their eyes fixed on the Lord. How about you? How can God use your pain and past for His glory? Maybe it's time to lean in and look up!

The Lies of Divorce

Whether you grew up with divorced parents, or you yourself experienced the pain of divorce as an adult; we understand divorce is a reality for many families today. But what if there was a better way? What if you could save you and your family from a lot of heartache? My goal in this article is not to judge or condemn anyone, but instead it is to speak truth into some common misconceptions surrounding divorce. This list is by no means exhaustive and I could write a book on each one, but my hope is to shine light on some of the lies that are destroying our families today.

Lie #1- “It’s Their Fault!”  It’s so easy to shift blame in our world today, but let’s be honest about this one. The faster we acknowledge that we bear some of the responsibility for our struggling marriage, the better. It’s time you and I stop being the victim and start taking responsibility for our own actions and reactions and commit to working on our own stuff.  It’s also important to call out who the real enemy is in a marriage under attack. I work with men and women all the time who have this intense hatred for their spouse or their parents for what happened to their family. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage by now, “Unforgiveness is like YOU drinking poison and waiting for THEM to die”. No one ever goes into a marriage expecting to divorce, but it is the goal of Satan and he loves it if he can bind you in hate and unforgiveness. That’s why he’s called the “deceiver”.

Lie #2- “I Deserve to Be Happy!” Says WHO? If we followed this line of thinking, we could justify about any immature or selfish decision this side of the Rocky Mountains. We are living in a 24/7 instant gratification culture where our cravings can be satisfied in a second. I can shop online at Amazon and have it delivered same day to my door, while watching my favorite show on Netflix anytime I want after going to my favorite 24 hr Dunkin for a donut and big ice tea. Who am I kidding?  I can even have Door Dash do that now. I don’t even have to leave my house. You get my point. Stop believing the lie that it’s all about your happiness today. What if God’s plan is to use a difficult relationship in your life to grow or bless you in a way that you can’t even imagine or see right now? There could be something so much more for you and maybe even for your marriage on the other side of this storm if you lean in and look up instead of walking out. That’s the power of the Holy Spirit I’ve seen working in couples who have gotten help and committed to weathering the storm together.

Lie #3-“The kids are better off, if we get a divorce.” I hear it from wounded parents on a regular basis who feel like divorce is the best way to protect their children from the same pain. In many families, the kids are in the center of a war zone getting hit from both sides. They are often pawns used by parents to manipulate, coerce, or punish their spouse. Can I just tell you, the best gift you can give your child is to model how two broken people in a messed-up world find hope, healing, and unconditional love. Does it sound too pie in the sky for you? It is, if you’re trying to do it alone. But that’s where a really big God comes in. Before you sign those divorce papers or take your ex to court, take some time to get wise biblical counsel. Sit down with a trained Christian professional who can walk you and your spouse through the process of reconciliation and maybe even restoration.  

I realize there will be some who will read this who are in dangerous situations of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. In those cases, of course, you need to keep you and your kids safe and physically remove yourself from that environment. Take the time to seek professional help so that you know how to best help you and your children through this trauma. Don’t make any rash or big decisions in the heat of intense emotion. Nothing good comes out of that. 

Lie #4- “Another relationship will take the pain away.” I see struggling married couples all the time jumping out of one difficult relationship and right into another. Sometimes even before the papers are served or the ink has dried. Can I just be totally transparent with you? That’s a really BAD idea!! There’s no way to sugar coat the baggage you drag with you from the failed marriage right into your new relationship. The hurts, the insecurities, the triggers, the lies...you bring it ALL with you and there’s no amount of sweet words and pretty flowers that can heal those wounds for you quickly. As a matter of fact, experts tell us that divorced men and women should give themselves three years before entering into another serious relationship. Yep, that’s what the experts say...three years! Trust me, you will be glad you gave yourself that time to heal your heart right and deal with the junk in your own trunk!

Lie #5-“I know what you’re going through, I’ve been divorced.” The temptation to compare is never ending and exhausting. Whether it’s a chat with a friend or looking at someone’s pictures on Facebook, comparing your life with someone else’s is a trap with no winners. Every marriage is unique, and there is no one cookie cutter answer for every difficult relationship. I’m not going to pretend I have walked in your shoes, and I definitely don’t want to minimize the difficulty you are going through right now. But please don’t look around and compare your deepest struggles with someone else’s highlight real.  Lean in, look up, and trust in the promise that God has got a better plan for this storm you are in.

Don’t know how to lean in and look up? Contact us at rocksolidfamilies.org. We’d love to walk through this storm with you and help you get to the blessings and hope waiting for you on the other side!

Parenting After Divorce

Nobody goes into a marriage with the intention of divorcing.  Most couples get married with the intention of being with their spouse for a lifetime.  Kids, houses, cars, pets, everything they bring into the relationship is usually done thinking “together forever”.  But...life often takes turns they did not intend. Marriages begin to develop small cracks that often lead to full-blown fractures or in other words…divorce.  

Today’s blog is not about how to prevent the divorce.  We have spoken many times on that topic and will continue to do so.  That is energy well spent and should be at the forefront of our efforts.  With that being said, however, we do want to help couples successfully manage their families after a divorce has occurred.  In particular, I’m going to discuss parenting after the divorce. Below is a common description of what I have witnessed and experienced in my work as a school counselor over the past 20 years.

After differences become “irreconcilable”, couples are often stirred with emotions such as: pain, hurt, anger, jealousy, anxiety, and depression.  The idea of working with the person that they once said, “till death do us part”, brings up a well of nausea. Words like hate, stupid, jerk, selfish, along with a cast of other words unfit to put in print start to get thrown back and forth to each other.  Sometimes, it even feels good to use such derogatory words to describe their ex-spouse. Then reality hits… “Ugh, we have three children together. I have to deal with this idiot for the next 18 years! OMG!”

This is a serious crossroads in determining how well a family is going to fare through this difficult time.  When a divorced spouse responds out of those charged emotions, they often feel justified to speak negativity toward their ex-spouse.  But at what expense? This is what I have seen in my 20 years working with families. Couples who parent out of hurt and emotion are setting their children up for trouble. Parenting out of emotion often creates immediate turmoil in the family and long term issues for the child.

Initially, children are hurt and confused by the attitude and approach divorced parents take toward one another. They are saddened by any critical words and quickly start to resent one or both parents if the criticism continues or festers.  As they grow, children become desensitized to the critical speech and even begin to use it to their benefit. They begin to harden to the divorce, and approach life as a more self-centered survivor. They may even say or think things like, “I can’t worry about making them happy. I can only make myself happy.”  At that point, they begin to approach their relationship with both parents as a way to take care of their needs and desires. They stop worrying or caring about anyone else but themselves.

Children of divorce can become masters at manipulation as they try to adapt to their new normal.  They begin to work the parents against each other to meet their own needs. They make comments like, “I wished I lived with dad!”  “Mom doesn’t make us do this.” “You’re mean, you’re always on my case.” Often times, this creates a tension where the child may even demand to leave one parent and go live with the other.  If left unchecked, parents may find themselves with very confused, selfish, and disruptive children who sabotage every environment they enter. In many cases, these children struggle with coping skills and begin to demonstrate these destructive behaviors in a multitude of settings: school, home, teams, etc.  As children of divorce grow into adulthood, we often see them take these same unhealthy patterns into their careers and future relationships. They sabotage them with the same destructive behaviors, and the cycle continues.

How do we stop the insanity?  First, let me state up front, divorce is typically not good and frequently involves a great deal of hurt in all directions.  Husbands and wives should do everything possible to avoid divorce by working towards reconciliation and healing of the marriage.  

However, if someone has already found themselves in a divorce situation, here are some essentials to successfully parenting children to become well-adjusted and healthy adults.   

1. Time needs to be equally split between both parents.  Many divorces place the children with one parent a majority of the time while the other receives visits and weekend sleepovers.  This may be convenient, but research has proven it to be detrimental to children and even parents. https://www.statnews.com/2017/05/26/divorce-shared-parenting-children-health/

2. Put feelings aside and focus on raising the children.  I know this is easier said than done when emotions are charged and there has been lots of hurt and betrayal.  But, if parents want to start healing and provide the best parenting possible for their children, they have to dig deep and swallow their pride. They must put aside the hurt feelings and start cooperating with the other parent.  

3. This is not about you.  It is about your children! Just as a couple would discuss how to handle various situations concerning their children if they were married, a divorce couple needs to work hard to have these same discussions after divorce.  

4. Privately set ground rules ahead of time. Maybe there are certain topics that need to be off limits due to past issues, but both parents must agree that the welfare of the child is a top priority.  Divorce parents need to set up healthy boundaries for conversations. They will need to keep focused on what is best for the child and keep the other junk off the table.

5. Never talk bad about your “X” around the children.  This is often a selfish way divorced parents try to manipulate the child to see their point of view and jump on their side.  When parents use negative talk to manipulate, they soon find the child mimicking it as well. This will eventually come back to hurt the entire family especially the child. Divorced parents need to stay respectable and civil toward each other regardless of how much they have been hurt.

6. Reinforce what each parent stands for or enforces in their home.  Even if they don’t completely agree, a divorced parent should never undermine the authority and rules of the other parent. Parents will be doing their children a huge favor if things like curfew, privileges, chores, etc are agreed upon and enforced regardless of what house they are in. If parents work hard to find common rules, the child may not like it but they will feel safe and secure no matter what home they are in.

Parenting after divorce is the ultimate lesson in civility. I have seen amazing outcomes when parents make the choice to drop their selfish ways and do what is best for the children.  Doing this creates a multi-generational payoff. Not doing this leads to a multi-generational debt.

These guidelines are so important to the future of the family. If you or someone you know needs help with this process, please contact Rock Solid Families at 812-576-ROCK, or visit our website at rocksolidfamiles.org. We’d love to help!