Stop the Nagging!

It has been said that nagging can be as harmful to marriage as adultery. If none of us likes to be nagged, why does it continue to happen?   Wouldn’t the whole family just be happier if all the nagging went away?  The simple answer is, YES!  

Feeling Invisible
So where do we begin?   In a nutshell, nagging comes from when we try to control what we see as important in our lives.  This need for control can be rooted in fear, insecurity, anger, mistrust…you name it. The person nagging may feel dismissed, invisible or misunderstood, but the way they go about resolving the problem isn’t very effective. It’s like using a sledge hammer for a project that needs a screwdriver. Instead of solving the problem, nagging tends to do more harm than good and can damage a relationship beyond repair.

Relationship Tools
So how do we stop the nagging and bring peace back to the marriage? Well, we need some different tools in our tool box. The first is the tool of Active Listening  That means we’re not just talking about the events of the day, but rather talking about how others are doing or feeling through the course of the day.  Through active listening we learn to physically observe and notice how are partner is doing.  Not just by the words they say, but how they say it. Do they seem tired, agitated, angry or frustrated?  If so, it is a great time to give them a little first aid by showing them that you notice their mood and then offer to help.  In order to do this we must implement the tool of Empathy. In other words, try imagining how it would feel to “walk a mile in their shoes”?   We do this not to feel sorry for them, but to try and understand why they may be feeling what they are feeling. Using these two tools help us to move toward fulfilling our wedding vows of for better or for worse.

Time to Step Back
Whether you are nagging or being nagged, it is important to use the tool of Emotional Awareness.  This simply means to take a step back and recognize your emotions before others recognize them for you.  If you are yelling and screaming and don’t have an understanding of your emotional state, you are likely to say and do things you regret.  Take some time today to practice reading your emotions and the people around you.  When you recognize a heightened negative emotional state in yourself or someone else, step back, take a break and allow the emotions to calm down.  This is the tool of Time Out

No More Under the Rug
One tool that we recommend is the Tool of Assertiveness. Many times the nagging is taking place because one or both partners from the very beginning did not “mean what they say and say what they mean”. They’ve maybe brushed things under the rug or made assumptions.  For example, if your partner is telling you they want to play golf next weekend and you agree to it, then you are best to stick with your agreement.  On the other hand, if you see the outing conflicting with the family’s schedule, then you need to be honest up front with your spouse and work together for a compromise or solution. Be assertive with your thoughts and words in a loving and respectful way, and you will have no reason to nag. 

When We Blow It
Let’s face it, sometimes we just blow it! Our emotions get the best of us and as we feel overwhelmed we say and do things that aren’t always helpful.  When this happens (and it will), the most powerful tool we have in our toolbox is the tool of Apology. Yes, I said it, APOLOGY! Holding back the apology fans the flame of anger and stress in the marriage and creates a greater disconnect as a couple.  The faster we learn to authentically apologize for our negative attitude, words, or nagging, the faster we will bring peace back to the relationship. Even if we feel like we are only 5% in the wrong, apologize for that 5%. Don’t let your self-righteousness and insecurity keep you from dropping your defenses and healing the wound before it destroys your marriage.

Click HERE to watch the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging\

Click HERE to listen the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging

Man Caves and She Sheds

Would Jesus Have a Man Cave?
If Jesus was alive today, do you think he would have a Man Cave? You probably have never thought about this before, but would he?  You won’t find any specific references of Jesus’ man cave in the Bible, but if you dig a little deeper you will find Jesus seeking out what people long for in a man cave or she shed-a place of peace.  There are so many men and women who seek a place where they can collect their thoughts and unwind from the stresses of the day.  Jesus frequently did the same thing leaving the crowd or chaos and seeking a quiet place to pray.  

A Place of Peace is Important
Like Jesus, we need to take time to take care of ourselves and find that place of peace. We need to have healthy habits and routines in our day to nourish and rest our mind, body, and soul.  For this reason, it is no wonder that the terms She Shed and Man Cave have come to be.  Essentially, these are places where we can seek peace and connect with our thoughts.  These terms may be somewhat new, but the concept is not.  A She Shed may be a literal shed in the back yard or a quiet room in the house.  It’s a place where women like to go and escape from the noise of life.  Maybe she gardens, does crafts, artwork, or just reads.  The point is she finds a time and place to rebuild and take care of herself.  As for the Man Cave, maybe it’s a workshop, garage, home gym, or a barn to hang out in.  Maybe it is an office space where you retreat to.  Whatever the case, men desire a place to rejuvenate as well.  

Moderation is Critical
Man Caves and She Sheds can be good things, but when used for the wrong reason or without moderation, they can become a negative thing for the family. For example, when dad comes home from work instead of going into the house to interact with the family, he immediately retreats to his shop.  He has the shop set up with the basics such as snacks and drinks, maybe even a tv and bathroom.  This set up sounds good to many of us, but it may very well be detrimental to the relationship with his wife and kids.  A fully furnished man cave leaves little reason for a husband or dad to ever have to interact with his family.  Often, you’ll see the other spouse start to complain and resent their spouse’s little hideaway. 

The idea of a Man Cave or She Shed may sound good on the surface, but be careful why and when it is used.  At Rock Solid Families, we see couples running and hiding from each other on a regular basis.  They avoid interaction with each other due to years of poor communication and conflict resolution skills. Hurt, resentment, and hardening of the heart build until one or the other spouse starts to believe the marriage is beyond repair. 

Communication is Key
Man Caves and She Sheds can serve a valuable purpose in our mental or physical health, but if the marriage and your communication are not solid, then it is likely that these places of refuge are doing more harm than good.  Do yourself a favor, tend to the marriage and family and you will find your Man Caves and She Sheds far more rewarding and enjoyable for everyone in the family.   

Click HERE to listen to the full episode of Man Caves and She Sheds

Click HERE to watch the full episode of Man Caves and She Sheds

Marriage First Aid

I still remember where I was when I got the call. I was in Orlando, Florida at a ministry conference when one of my key church volunteers called me in tears. He and his wife were in marital crisis. She was ready to leave.  How could that be? They looked like they had it all together. I was with their whole family just the week before. How could I have missed the storm brewing and growing inside their home?

I remember that day like it was yesterday, but in reality it was over 15 years ago. That day is forever seared in my mind, because it stirred something inside that has never left me - a heart for couples in crisis. Working with couples and families was nothing new for my husband and I. For years, we had been working with engaged couples walking alongside them before they said “I Do”. For years, I had worked with families as a teacher and children’s minister. But this was different. This time, I felt ill-equipped and blindsided.

Maybe you’ve been there.  A family member or friend calls you to say, “I can’t do this anymore” or “He/She left”, and you’re left holding the phone in shock. Now what? Often we feel helpless wishing we had a band-aid or some magic words, but we don’t. The helplessness I felt that winter day in Orlando Florida sent me on a quest for truth and tools for my friends and the countless other couples God would put in my path.

If you are reading this today, I’m first here to share with you some truth. There is NOTHING that you or someone you love is experiencing right now that God can not bring beauty from (Isaiah 61:1-3). In 20 years of ministry, I have seen God bring healing and beauty out of the ugliest of circumstances. Adultery, Addiction, Illness, Bankruptcy, Felonies, Abuse….you name it; God can redeem it! Now, I didn’t say every marriage will be restored. Restoration takes two willing partners which doesn’t always happen in marital conflict. But if you are willing to do it His way, God is ABLE! My husband and I host a weekly radio show called ROCK SOLID RADIO and recently did an episode on this very topic. Check it out at eaglecountryonline.com or just click HERE

Maybe you’re reading this and you’re thinking it’s already too late. Maybe you and your spouse have already divorced and moved on. God can still make something beautiful out of your pain and heartache if you surrender it to Him. He is still able to do more than all you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21). Maybe, it’s not you but a friend, and you have no idea what to say or do. First and foremost, pray for them. Ask God to give you the wisdom and discernment in knowing what to say and what not to say. But what if there was more we could do? What if we had some first aid tools when the bleeding starts to occur?

MARRIAGE FIRST AID KIT
Just like students in school, it’s important we all have an emergency plan and practice it BEFORE the storm comes. Whether it’s a tornado or fire, students and adults practice the plan AHEAD of time.  It helps take the emotion out of the emergency and allows everyone to handle things in a safe and calm way. What if you and your spouse did the same thing? Sit down with your spouse and go over this together when things are good or when the emotion is out of the conflict.

Get a plan NOW on how you will handle the next storm or conflict that arises. No matter if it’s you or someone you know, there is hope and healing when conflict occurs.  Here are some tried and true tools I believe every first aid plan should include:

1. Take a Time Out-Don’t try and resolve conflict in the heat of emotion. Take time to cool down. If it is your spouse who is angry, walk away to allow the situation to deescalate. Go for a walk, take a drive, go in your room. Take time to step away from the emotion and calm down with the commitment that you will be back to resolve it later when the emotion has subsided. It may be an hour or a day, but don’t allow the negative emotion to fester and grow.

2. Initiate a sincere apology-Take the time to reflect on how you contributed to the conflict and own it. Even if you think your spouse was 95% in the wrong, own your 5%. (Don’t tell them you are only 5% in the wrong...that’s not going to help!) After a cooling down period, approach your spouse and apologize for your part of the argument and then STOP. Don’t go on to crucify their response or justify yours. That will only put your partner on the defense and shut down any possibility of healing your relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to apologize, don’t give up and strike back. It may take time for your partner to believe you are sincere and not just wanting to throw them under the bus.

3. Don’t keep score-Once you have apologized, let it go. Don’t keep bringing up the past and throwing it in their face. If you are a couple that keeps score, you may win an argument but you will lose your marriage.

4. Daily Investment of Time- I believe many couples are struggling because they have not made their marriage a priority. They’ve put everything in front of their marriage relationship. Work, Kids, Screens, you name it and it has replaced the marriage as the daily priority. Your spouse needs to know that he/she is the most important person in your life. If they’re not….that’s the problem. It’s time to make your spouse a priority. Every day for about 15-20 min, take the time to sit down with your partner uninterrupted and just dialogue. Ask them how they are doing and what’s going on in their world. Compliment and thank them whenever possible. No kids, no screens, no dishes...just the two of you. You will be amazed how esteemed and valued your spouse will feel. You will be surprised how much you learn in just 15-20 minutes. So many conflicts come from a break down of communication. This daily investment would save so many storms from brewing.

5. Christ Centered Marriage-You want to storm proof your marriage? Take your child off the throne. Take your work off it’s pedestal. Stop expecting your spouse to be something God never created them to be. All of those things...our children, our work, even our spouse make lousy gods. Put Jesus Christ on the throne in your home. Build your home on a foundation that is unshakable and can weather ANY storm. As a couple, pray for each other and for your family every day. The divorce rate for couples who pray together on a regular basis is less than 1 percent. I don’t know of a better way to storm proof your marriage. When Christ is our focus, we begin to understand how to love our wife and respect our husband unconditionally. We begin to extend grace and offer forgiveness, because we realize how WE have been forgiven by our Heavenly Father who loves us and forgives us daily.  

6. Seek Professional Help Early-Don’t wait until your spouse walks out the door. If you can’t seem to resolve the conflict on your own, seek professional help. Call a counselor. Reach out to a priest/pastor. Contact us at Rock Solid Families for marriage/family coaching. There is help and hope available.

Like I mentioned before, there are no magic words that can instantly repair a hurting relationship.  There is no magic pill you can swallow and heal deep wounds, but there is a Heavenly Father who has given us a way to have all those things we so desperately desire...peace, love, joy, and hope.

At Rock Solid Families, we are here to help you find those things in a Christ-centered home. If we can help you or your family, please don’t hesitate to call our St. Leon, IN office at 812-576-ROCK or contact us through our website at rocksolidfamilies.org. In the meantime, please know that if you’re reading this, we are praying for YOU and asking God to help you build a Rock Solid Family!