In March of 2021, I received a phone call from a young man who was a couple years into his marriage. He claimed he wanted help becoming a better man and husband. My initial thought was that the marriage was in trouble, and he was desperately seeking to save it. We set up our first appointment and we began to talk. I asked him to describe his marriage and its overall health. He said without hesitation, “Oh, my marriage is great!”. I responded with a little bewilderment in my voice saying, “Well then, what can I help you with?” He said, “I need help learning how to stand up for my wife and myself”.
Intimidated by Dad
Meet Zach and Emily, a young couple in love who truly enjoy being together and dreaming about the future. But, as I began to work with Zach, I recognized how timid he was. As we talked, he would sink in his chair; when he didn’t know what to say, he would just go silent. He did give me a clue to the problem when he started talking about his authoritarian father and how no one wanted to challenge his authority. When challenged, his dad would quickly escalate his voice to a roar and begin intimidating everyone in the house. As a boy, Zach was intimidated by his father and would never even dream of challenging or disagreeing with him.
Out of the Line of Fire
As Zach got older, he began to disagree with how his father acted and reacted in the house, but the disagreement remained in his head. Partly out of respect and partly out of fear, he would cower down to his dad and never challenge him on anything. That actually seemed to work very well most of the time. Zach remained out of the line of fire, and his dad remained on the throne. Zach’s behavior soon settled in to be his character. Whether in the house or out of the house, he was timid - afraid to stand up for himself, his values, or his faith. He became very unsure of himself as he was worried about making the wrong decision and disappointing people in his life. His habit was to sit back and just let everyone else tell him what to do.
Making all the Decisions
As a young married couple, make no mistake about it, Emily loves Zach. She loves his gentleness, caring, attention, and willingness to take care of her, but soon into the marriage, she began to feel like she was carrying making all the decisions. Everything from when the garbage needs to go out to how they should manage their money. Zach was not being defiant; he was just waiting for his orders. Emily did not want to be in a position of giving orders. She wanted Zach to lead.
Becoming the Man She Needs
Everything came to a head when Zach’s father began to weigh in on Zach and Emily’s life as a married couple. He would make comments that demoralized Zach as a man. He would question why they did the things they did. On the other hand, he would never take input from anyone else. Emily began to recognize that she did not appreciate how Zach’s dad was treating him or them as a couple. She began to challenge Zach by questioning him as to why he doesn’t stand up to his father. Why doesn't he take initiative with running his own home? Zach started to realize that he was not being the man or husband God called him to be.
Getting Help
This realization is what brought Zach to Rock Solid Families. He had enough insight to recognize that something needed to change; he just didn’t know where to begin. That’s when we began to educate him on his upbringing, and how he was responding. We began to have conversations about how his dad behaved and how Zach responded. We talked about how the pattern of timidity began to grow and become more and more entrenched into Zach’s being. Once we were able to isolate the cause and effect connection, we were able to begin a new way forward.
Working Together Toward a Solution
Emily began to attend sessions with Zach. She was a critical component to helping Zach see a clear picture of what she needed as his wife. She in turn learned how to help and encourage him at home. Zach came in session after session willing and eager to learn knowing he had something better in him as a man. Each week, Zach and Emily would practice new assertive actions in the home and when they were out together. Zach did what may seem like simple things like take out the garbage or cut the grass without Emily’s prompting or second guessing himself. Emily learned that if she wanted these new habits to stick she had to encourage and praise not criticize Zach through his timidity.
Practicing Fire Drills
The big test of Zach’s new found strength was going to come when he had to interact with his father. Admittedly, Zach was nervous and concerned that he would just fall right back to his old self and allow his father to dismiss him as a man. Zach and Emily learned how to establish and communicate healthy boundaries as a couple. In session, they practiced “fire drills” where the two of them would run through potential hypotheticals to see when and how they would respond. The more Zach and Emily practiced this, the greater their confidence became. They actually began to be believe in themselves as a couple and that their marriage was theirs to protect. This was empowering and even exciting.
The Day of Reckoning with Dad
The day of reckoning finally came with a family get together. Zach and Emily were confident and ready to respectfully respond to any snide remarks or disrespectful behaviors from Zach’s dad. Zach’s dad came to the outing that day and quickly noticed that Zach had a certain confidence about him. Zach did not respond to his father’s inappropriate remarks that day. He ignored them and refused to let his dad get in his head. By not giving his father’s remarks any attention and energy, Zach noticed his dad backing down from his typical authoritarian persona. On the other hand, Zach was starting to carry himself with greater confidence and strength than ever before. It reaffirmed how he wanted to be as a husband and man of God.
A New Man with a New Plan
Not only did this new confidence help in his relationship with his dad, but with his wife as well. Emily loves the man Zach is now. She feels greater confidence in their relationship and less stress, because she now knows she’s not carrying the load alone. Zach is truly a new man with a new plan. He is now walking with his shoulders back and finding his confidence in who Christ made him to be. He is learning to give himself grace when he makes mistakes, but continues to get back up. Zach now looks forward to being a better husband, son, brother, neighbor and someday, a father. He has much to give and now is ready to do so, all because he has uncovered the man God created him to be.
Don’t Settle for Less Than God’s Best
Zach and Emily’s story is one of new hope and life. God created us in His image, but we often blame him for who we are. When, in fact, we have just allowed life to mold us into someone less than who God intended us to be. Before you give up on yourself or someone else, understand that God gives us the ability to change. Your upbringing and environment can truly shape you for the good and bad. When you want to see a better version of yourself, begin by praying to God and recognizing that you do not have to be a victim of your environment.