Marriage

Love & Respect from your spouses perspective

The topic of Love and Respect is one Rock Solid Families has covered before. But this time we are approaching it from two very different perspectives - A husband’s perspective and a wife’s perspective.

Understanding what love and respect mean to your spouse is like learning an entirely new language. Things you thought you understood may come back to only cause more confusion and conflict. Emerson Eggerich, author of the book Love and Respect, explains that the different languages between husbands and wives are not necessarily right or wrong, they are just different. The key to success in the relationship is understanding the language differences and how to be a better interpreter.

Ladies, when it comes to understanding our man's perspective of love & respect, we can follow the language of the C.H.A.I.R.S:

C – Conquest & compliments. Men want to conquer, or overcome, something. Saying things like, “I really appreciate how hard you work to make sure our family is taken care of” means a lot to them. Men have a natural desire to provide for their family. Wives, if you are the bread winner, focus of how well he takes care of the kids, his handiwork projects, etc. Compliment your man’s work not only to him, but also in front of other people. Fill his desire to be the knight in shining armor.

H – Hierarchy. This is the level of position or authority. Biblically, the man is the head of the wife like Christ is the church. He is the last step of authority when it comes to raising and disciplining kids. If women dismiss the man’s authority, the man will start to pull away from situations where he feels his decisions and authority is being questioned or taken away, and he will shut down. Women, empower your man to feel like they are the provider, protector and spiritual leader.  

A – Authority. Don’t undermine, or take his voice away in the household. This runs hand in hand with hierarchy. If a man is not doing a good job with his authority (cowering, easily manipulated by kids, etc.) he’s not being firm. Encourage your husband to be the authority. And if you don’t agree with something he is doing or saying, work it out privately so kids don’t think you are questioning their dads’ authority.

I – Insight. Insight that a man brings to the decision-making process. (perspective) Don’t think your ideas or thoughts are more important or always right. Bickering over things that don’t really matter, or are simply your preferences won’t get you anywhere. Allow the back and forth, but allow his input. Don’t demean or dismiss his input/ thoughts, or this shuts him out and he doesn’t want to participate in conversation anymore. If you need him to just listen, tell him you just want him to listen, or else he will try to fix it.

R – Relationship. Beyond being married, are you friends? Do you value our time together? Do you connect on a variety of interest? Kids cannot be your only glue! Find something you have in common to enjoy together. She sheds and man caves are dangerous – it brings disconnection because often men and women will retreat to these places and it gives a message you don’t want anyone else in your space. Time together is encouraged. Men are okay with shoulder-to-shoulder relationship, which is having their wife sitting near them and not even necessarily talking, just simply being nearby.

S – Sexuality. God wired us differently, Thank God! Work out what healthy intimacy looks like for your marriage. Discuss this with your husband and come up with a plan that’s maintainable and healthy. This could be daily or 2-3 times a week. Ladies, it is important that you try to initiate more often and respond more joyfully. I know, you’re saying “It’s hard sometimes!”, But acknowledge that there are temptations, and you should support him intimately to keep his eyes and temptations towards you. Just acknowledge that you want to be intimate and will work with him on doing so in a way that works for both of you.

 

Men, you’re probably nodding your head in agreeance after reading through the CHAIRS acrostic, but now you’re in the hot seat! How do you make sure your wife feels loved & respected? When it comes to speaking our wife’s language of Love & Respect, we should follow the acrostic COUPLE:

C – Closeness. This could look as simple as hand holding in public. Don’t dismiss your woman wanting to feel connected, or that your lady might want you to be proud of being with her. Physical touch should NOT always lead to sexual engagement.  Non-sexual touches carry great values with the ladies.

O – Openness. This is when a woman feels confident in knowing how YOU feel. You being open with her about your feelings, and communicating so she doesn’t have to guess is important. On the flip side, she wants you to ask her how she is doing and feeling also. Ladies & Gents, pick your time wisely – don’t ask these types of questions as he is walking out the door, or as she is falling asleep.

U – Understanding. Women need men to understand and empathize with them. Show that you appreciate all we do. In episode # 307 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda use the example of Christmas dinner… Typically the woman will cook, clean the house, do the shopping, wrap everyone’s gifts, and the man might carve the turkey. Women, you can’t assume that men know what else needs to be done, so be open and tell them how they can help.

P – Peacemaking. Men, just admitting when you are wrong can make a huge difference. Acknowledge when you are wrong or mess up, but also offer forgiveness when your wife has messed up or is wrong. It goes a long way. “Just own it!” – Jocko Willink. If you say sorry, you need to also change your actions – that’s the difference between peace making and peace keeping.

L – Loyalty. Women feel loyalty from men when they don’t look at other women, watch pornography, when they speak positively to them and about them. If you as a man are bouncing eyes at other women, throwing your wife under the bus, threatening / joking about divorce, poking fun at her expense… it undermines the feeling of loyalty. Women want to feel like you aren’t going anywhere. Women feel loved when they feel that their men are loyal. Loyalty = Security.

E – Esteem. This is when wives feel treasured, honored, cherished. Be her cheer leader, verbally support her, honor her, praise her, make her feel valued. The opposite of this would look like you throwing her under the bus, making her the bud of all your jokes. Eventually it will wear her down and she won’t feel that same honor or praise of being your wife.

 

Check out the 2-episode series “love & respect” on the Rock Solid Families Podcast to get more in depth about how husbands and wives can best show their love & respect for each other. Episode one covers this topic from the man's perspective, talking about how husbands interpret the language of love and respect and how the ladies can do better to understand his language. Episode two covers the topic from the woman's perspective, and how her interpretation of love and respect is different than the men, but not in a better or worse way. You can listen to both episodes by clicking HERE!

Bring Out the Best in Your Spouse

Marriage was created by God and it is meant to be a blessing. Some days marriage can be harder than others, but scripture instructs us on how to be the best spouse we can be, even when it is difficult.

Merrill and Linda dive into the books of Ephesians, 1 Corinthians, James, and Matthew to teach us different ways we can bring out the best in our spouse, which ultimately brings out the best in your marriage. If you listen to episode # 284 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, you may even get to hear them banter back and forth about their own marriage experiences as well. ;)

Here are 6 ways you can bring the best out in your spouse:

1.) Recognize you are on the same team and are equal players in this endeavor. Ephesians 5 tells us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband. You are in this marriage together, on one team. Without love and respect, the team can’t collaborate effectively.

2.) 1 Corinthians 12 states just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. You must focus on your spouse's strengths. You have a choice on what you will focus on when it comes to your spouse, and If you choose to focus on their shortcomings and weaknesses, that is all you will see. Praise them for the good they do, for their strengths. After all, what is praised, is repeated!

3.) Effective communication - James 1:19 says everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Merrill and Linda recommend having a conversation with your spouse for at least 10-15 minutes a day. During that check-in you should validate that you are hearing your spouse by acknowledging what they say and do not give advice unless you are asked for it. Instead ask, “How can I help?” or “What do you need from me?” Once that check-in is over, you should be able to walk away with a sense of HOW your spouse is truly doing.

4.) Be your best! Instead of focusing on what your partner is or is not doing, focus on what you can do better to be the best version of yourself, not just for you, but also for your spouse. When focusing on being the best version of yourself, access yourself in the following 3 categories:

- Spiritual Growth - Are you practicing to be more Christ-like?
- Physical Growth - Are you taking care of your body? Are you healthy? Are you fit? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Are you attractive to your spouse?
- Personal Growth - Are you stretching and challenging yourself in your desires and gifts? Practicing a hobby or taking a new class?

5.) Love them the way they want to be Loved, and learn what makes them feel respected and valuable. This is easier when you know your partner’s Love Language. Is it acts of service? Words of affirmation? Getting gifts? If you don’t know your partner’s love language, we highly encourage you to find out.

6.) Build your life and your relationships on something that is ROCK SOLID. Without a firm foundation that is solid or unshakable, you run the risk of things falling apart pretty quickly. You tend to look out for #1 and focus inward on yourself.  It’s like building your life on sinking sand. The first wave hits and suddenly things are washed away. What are the values you are building your marriage and family on? Is it a strong Christian faith? Even if you are not a person of faith or a church-goer, we still challenge you to give it a try. Start building your life and relationships on something solid like integrity, honesty, faithfulness, kindness, dependability, good work ethic, etc. It not only will bring out the best in your spouse, but yourself as well.

With Christ as the cornerstone of your relationships, you will have a common and firm foundation. Just like the wise builder in Matthew 7, with a foundation built on Christ, your house will not fall. As you grow in your relationship together, we encourage you to pray together and practice forgiveness and grace, just like God does with the Church.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH the Rock Solid Families Podcast episode on Bringing out the best in your spouse here.

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