New Beginnings for Ben and Emily

As we wrap up 2022 and welcome in the new year, we wanted to introduce you to two of our recent clients as they share some reflections from their time at Rock Solid Families and as they begin their new life together as husband and wife. Walking alongside engaged couples like Ben and Emily through our PREPARE premarital program is probably one of the favorite things we do. It’s exciting to meet couples like Ben and Emily who want to invest in their life together and put God as the center of their relationship. 

Even though they had dated for a long time and were looking forward to their October 2022 wedding, Ben and Emily still wanted to build a rock solid foundation as husband and wife. They wanted to learn new tools to grow deeper personally and as a couple. Rock Solid Families is here to help couples do just that. Meet Ben and Emily and hear a little bit more of their story…

1. Tell us a little bit about you two and how you met. Long story short, we met each other when we were kids. We met again later in life through mutual friends in 2013 when we were both 17 years old. 

2. What brought you to Rock Solid Families to start with? We were referred through our friend, David Vaughn. We knew we wanted to have the tools to build a solid marriage. We also wanted to grow personally as individuals and together as a couple. 

3. What were some of the things you learned about marriage, each other, about the importance of faith, etc during PREPARE?  When you have been with one another for so long, you might think that you know everything about the other person. And that may be true, but after diving in we found out more about ourselves individually and how we can best serve each other and God in our marriage. We learned healthy communication habits, how we wanted to work together for our financial goals, and how to keep "dating" each other even when you are married or have been together for as long as we have. The most important thing that we learned is to keep God at the center of our life.  

1. Any surprises about your work in PREPARE? Not any that we couldn't work through or talk openly about. That's the secret to a healthy marriage in our opinion - be honest and open with your partner. Even after being together for so long, there are moments in life that you can't anticipate on our own without some guidance. PREPARE was able to bring these situations to light and allowed us to develop the tools we will need to have later on to continue supporting each other through both good times and bad.

2. Would you recommend Rock Solid Families to others?   Absolutely! We were very blessed to have the opportunity to go through this program. We are also more than happy to chat with couples who may be on the fence! 

3. What would you say to any couple who are wanting to start a life together? Marriage is a team effort! Your team is best when you have support, good communication, honesty, and looking out for the others' best interest. Marriage isn't always easy and neither is life. But if you know that your teammate has your back at the end of the day, it makes the hard days a little bit easier. We would also say to invest in each other. That could mean pre-martial counseling, dating each other, financial planning, praying together, etc. Love is an action word! You have to show it, not just say it.  

4. What are you two looking forward to in 2023?  Spending our first full married year together! We also are on the hunt to become dog parents.  

Blissful Ignorance - Story of Dale and Marie

When I first met with Dale and Marie for their premarital counseling a few years ago, they were like most young, engaged couples planning their wedding... so in love and so ready to get this over with. The premarital counseling that is, so they could get to the “good stuff”. During our premarital sessions, we spent time learning important communication and conflict resolution tools. We talked about taking the time to build a marriage on a firm foundation and the storms that may come after they say “ I do”. You know storms like infertility and infidelity. Things that can punch you in the gut and take your breath away like cancer or COVID.   Back then, neither one really thought they needed to worry about storms. After all, they were in love. That was until their marriage hit an iceberg at the end of last year and started to sink. 

Not Good
Both admit things had not been good for the past 18 months since their little one was born.  They would have petty fights that were never resolved - just brushed under the rug. Marie was distracted by her new role as a young new mom while Dale started to look elsewhere for some time and attention. That’s what Marie saw growing up. Conflict was never shown in her home, just minimized and ignored until her dad was caught in a 10 yr affair and her parents’ marriage ended after more than 25 years. So when Marie caught Dale in a 9 month affair just a couple years into their marriage, she braced for the worst. 

Painful Tears
It didn’t come easy nor without a lot of painful tears, but I’m thankful to report Dale and Marie are still together and stronger than they’ve ever been before. There was no quick fix for the pain, but both were patient and trusted God to do something new in their marriage. Dale and Marie now realize that their thinking before they got married was no more than “blissful ignorance”. Quickly after they said “I do”, they got distracted by the busyness of being new working parents and let their guard down. They got impatient with each other and stopped working on the most important relationships in their life - their relationship with Christ and their marriage. We’re no good to our kids when those two things are not our top priorities. 

Rebuilding Trust
After being confronted with the affair, Dale completely owned his unfaithfulness to Marie and took the necessary steps to regain her trust again. He was transparent and patient with her as different triggers brought her past back into the present. Dale and Marie have done the hard work to rebuild trust and they now have safeguards in their marriage to prioritize and protect it. When I asked Dale and Marie what has now made the biggest difference in their marriage, these are the safeguards they wanted to share:

Marriage Safeguards

1. Seek professional help BEFORE you turn to someone or something else. Don’t do what Dale did. Get help sooner. There is HOPE and HELP available. Don’t let money be the reason why you don’t seek help sooner. Rock Solid Families is a ministry first. They will never turn anyone away due to someone’s inability to pay. 

2. Involve God in your relationship and your healing. His word teaches us how to forgive and trust again. Worship and pray together. That has made an eternal difference for Dale and Marie.

3. Take a timeout when things get heated, but make sure conflict gets resolved. Dale and Marie now understand the importance of resolving conflict and NOT letting things get brushed under the rug. 

4. Go to bed together if at all possible. If you are always too busy or too tired to sleep in the same bed at the same time, that’s a red flag of a deeper issue.

5. Billy Graham Rule. Protect your marriage from any outside temptation. Don’t drive, dine or have personal private conversations with someone of the opposite sex. This safeguard would have saved Dale and Marie a lot of heartache. 

Stronger Than Ever
In our last session together, Dale and Marie were giddy sitting in my office holding hands talking about the new memories they were excited to create as a family. I am so proud of them and how hard they both worked to rebuild trust in their relationship. No more blissful ignorance for Dale and Marie. They now see the importance of having safeguards and intentionally protecting their marriage from the storms of life. They give God all the glory for where their marriage is today and thank Him for how he used one of the most painful experiences in their life to make them stronger than ever before. 

Before You Say “I Do”

Summer is finally here and you know what that means. At least for our friends and family, summer means lots of swimming, grill outs, graduations, and yes, weddings. Merrill and I were married on a sweltering July day back in 1987; we will be married 32 years on July 24. If you’re married and reading this, maybe you had a summer wedding too. I don’t know about you, but we were such young pups when we got married without a clue of what we were doing when we said, “I Do”. I’m not sure where we would be today without God’s unmerited favor.  I thank God every day for His grace and the blessing of Merrill, our five children, two amazing daughter in laws and 2 ⅓ adorable grandchildren (Yep, another one is on the way). Each one of them is a blessing in my life I do not deserve.

I say all this not just to reminisce but to attack some myths Merrill and I have seen young couples fall for over the past 25 years. Over and over again, couples have fallen into the same traps creating trouble for them years down the road. None of these are easy topics. There are as many opinions as there are words in a dictionary. We could spend days unpacking each one, but in this season of weddings and engagements, I feel like it’s time to do some myth busting about marriage and relationships.

BUSTING SOME MARRIAGE MYTHS

Photo Credit: Olivia Strohm Photography

1. “Love is All We Need”-That’s a great title for a movie or love song, but that’s not real life. Without investing in each other and nurturing that relationship through good communication and conflict resolution skills...that infatuation quickly begins to fade away. Why do you think only 2% of new marriages started as high school sweethearts? Love is not a feeling, but instead a conscious decision that must be fed and nurtured. A healthy marriage takes each partner giving 100% to the relationship. Besides healthy relationship skills, the greatest tool in our marriage toolbox is God Himself.  Without the Lord at the center of their relationship, couples are building on sinking sand.

2. “Time Will Resolve Our Problems”- Sometimes it’s the little things over time that destroy trust and slowly eat away at a relationship. If you and your partner have things that have never been addressed or resolved and they are causing bitterness and anger to build up, it’s time to get some help. Work toward compromise and resolution BEFORE you say “I do”.  Time does not heal all wounds. Over time, it can be the little things that hardened your heart toward your partner. Don’t let things go unresolved thinking they are “no big deal”. If you keep brushing things under the rug without ever dealing with them...you eventually start tripping over the rug!

3. “My Partner is My Everything”- Putting your partner on a pedestal and declaring him/her to be your world is setting your partner up for horrible failure. God never intended your partner to be your savior...your everything. Your partner IS going to disappoint you. He/She IS going to let you down over and over again. That’s called being human, and that’s why we all need to extend this thing called grace. Look in the mirror. You’re not perfect either and you’re going to need your partner to extend grace to you. We all do.  We’re going to disappoint and let others down. We see couples all the time enter into a relationship with rose colored glasses assuming their partner can meet all their needs. Good luck with that one! That’s not how God designed marriage. There is still a need for outside friendships. There is still a need for alone time, and there is still a HUGE need for God. I tell couples all the time. God is a jealous God, and he won’t settle for second place even in your marriage.

4. “Living Together Helps Prepare Us For Marriage”-This one depends on what you’re preparing for. If you want to know if your partner snores or is a good cook, maybe that’s true, but if you are looking for a forever commitment, not so much. When a couple chooses to live together before marriage, it can infuse doubt and mistrust into the very core of the relationship. It’s hard to trust someone completely when they have an easy exit strategy. The message living together often sends to a partner is “I’m not sure you’re the one for me”. I want to “test drive” the relationship. Well, test driving is great for cars you want to buy, but we’re not dealing with cars here. We’re dealing with people’s emotions and when we start intertwining sexual intimacy and financial bank accounts together without a forever commitment-things get really messy.  It’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle. I’m not here to say that couples who live together before marriage won’t last, but I am saying it definitely starts the building process on shaky ground. Regardless of what people may say, Cohabitation is NOT the best way to prepare for marriage.

A healthy marriage is not about what we selfishly GET from the relationship, but what we selflessly GIVE. It’s more about BEING the one than finding “the one”. When we look at our partner and say “I’m ALL IN” and approach marriage as a lifetime commitment through the good times and the bad, that’s when we create a relationship of love and trust.  That’s when you begin to build on a rock solid foundation for your new life together. The best way to prepare for marriage is to pursue God as a couple and get wise premarital counsel.

Many couples spend years saving and planning for their wedding day. Did you know that the average cost of a wedding in the United States last year was over $33,000? That is crazy! Couples spend a ton of money and time picking out dresses, flowers and venues. What if couples would take that same kind of time and attention in seeking God as the center of their relationship? Take the time to pray for your relationship, for each other, and for your future family. Statistics show that over 99% of married couples who pray together on a regular basis stay together. I don’t know of anything else that compares to that success rate. Research also shows that 80% of couples that get quality premarital counseling stay married.

So before you say “I do”, take the time to pursue God together. Talk to your priest or pastor. Invest in premarital counseling. Find a Christian mentor couple to walk alongside you. Slow down and do this right. After all, it’s not about one special day on the calendar, but a very special relationship you want to last a lifetime.