It may not be Google’s definition, but it’s the one we use in our house. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Turns out that isn’t just a saying in the Hutchinson house, but a quote by Albert Einstein. I wonder if Einstein has been listening in on some of our families’ conversations?
When Your Buttons Are Pushed
Why do we keep having the same argument over and over again? “I asked you to put those shoes on the shelf a hundred times.” “I can’t take this yelling one more day!” Why do we let our spouse or that coworker get under our skin over and over again? It’s like they know how to push that ONE button that just sets us off every time. It’s frustrating, exhausting and let’s face it-insane!
The Blue Pants Fight
What if I told you there is a way to get off the crazy train? What if there was a way to avoid the insanity that comes with those arguments you seem to keep having over and over again. Months after our wedding day, Merrill and I had one of the biggest fights we would ever have in our 34+ yrs of marriage. It was all over a pair of men’s royal blue pants that were too good to pass up, and I do mean BRIGHT ROYAL BLUE! Despite Merrill’s repeated NOs, I took it upon myself to purchase the blue pants for him while he was trying on other clothes. Needless to say, the insanity began with yelling some ugly “choice words”, pants throwing, and two very angry “adults” storming out of the store. We left the sales lady hanging and probably wondering, “what was THAT all about?”
Bubbling Underneath The Surface
What WAS that all about? Why the intense reaction from my husband over a blue pair of pants? The truth is we weren’t arguing about pants at all. That argument was really all about control, and it wasn’t the first time it had happened. It wasn’t the first time I had disrespected my husband’s NO and trumped his opinion with my own. It wasn’t the first time my husband felt like I was trying to control him. But as two young newlyweds, we had not yet learned the tools to repair a conflict or resolve an issue before it blew.
Resolving Conflict God’s Way
So let me save you the embarrassment we felt over 34 years ago, by giving you some very practical tools to implement TODAY with anyone you come into conflict with.
ASSESS-Ask yourself. Where is this emotion coming from? What’s really underneath this anger or bitterness? Anger is a secondary emotion that warns you of a deeper offense.
TIMEOUT-Recognize your emotions and call for a timeout in order to settle your mind and heart. Nothing good happens when we are trying to resolve conflict in the heat of the moment.
REVISIT-Ask to revisit the discussion within 24 hours speaking the truth with love, respect, and gentleness. Don’t brush your hurt under the rug. It only gets bigger later. (Thus the Blue Pants!)
APOLOGIZE FIRST-Own your part of the conflict first even if you feel like you were only 5% responsible and they were 95% of the problem. Lead with an apology or a thank you to drop the defenses down of the other person. Lead with “I” statements instead of pointing fingers and accusing them. Don’t tack your excuse on the back end of your half hearted apology either. It won’t get you anywhere. Insanity begins when you lead with “YOU ALWAYS…or YOU NEVER…”. Instead say something like “I am sorry I disrespected your NO. I should have listened to what you wanted”. “I am sorry I blew up at you and embarrassed you in the store. That was wrong of me.” OR “You work your butt off for our family. You deserve to pick your own clothes out.”
LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND-Do more listening than you do talking. Ask follow up questions to make sure you have clarity to what was really going on inside the other person. The Bible says we are to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” James 1:19. Make sure you drill down below the surface and get to the root of the anger and hurt early in the conflict so it doesn’t grow into something ugly. “I’m hurt because I feel disrespected”. “So what I hear you say is you are hurt, because you feel like I am trying to control you?” Stay in the present. One thing at a time. That’s why this is so important, so things don’t build up and then blow up down the road. Don’t drag in past hurts. It only shuts down the other person.
ASK- Ask the other person. “How can I help this from happening again?” “What do you need from me?” Be sincere in your request. That’s how you keep the argument from being repeated over and over again. Include the other person in the solution.
CHANGE BEHAVIOR-Make an effort to correct the behavior and avoid the insanity from happening again. Be quick to catch yourself before the other person does. If you mess up, own it immediately and apologize for it.
EXTEND GRACE-Be generous with forgiveness and grace. No one is perfect. Recognize you both are flawed humans working to resolve conflict God's way.
Because conflict is a two way street, there is no guarantee that the issue will be forever resolved, but following these steps will give YOU personal and lasting peace. Be faithful to God’s way of resolving conflict and stay away from the insanity of meaningless arguments. You’ll be so happy you did!
Click HERE to watch Episode 163 of Rock Solid Radio, Insanity - Arguing about the Same Thing, Again!
Click HERE to listen to Episode 163 of Rock Solid Radio, Insanity - Arguing about the Same Thing, Again!