Are you Having an Emotional Affair?: How to Recognize and Prevent Emotional Affairs in Your Marriage.

Often when people think of an affair, they think of something physical. But lurking around every corner is an opportunity for emotional affairs. They seem innocent on the surface, but they can be extremely damaging.

An emotional affair is a close or intimate relationship with someone outside of your marriage. Typically you share your thoughts and emotions with this person, you have common likes/dislikes, or you may tell them about your dreams, secrets, and fantasies. This emotional attachment can quickly turn into something more, as It creates thoughts of, “wow! This person is special or different than my spouse.” You are in it deep when that person starts to take up a lot of your heart and head space.

Jesus warns us about this in the Bible. In Matthew 5:27-28 is says “You have heard that it was said ‘You shall not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

So what are the signs of an emotional affair and what can we do to safeguard our hearts and prevent emotional affairs from affecting our marriages? These guidelines below are for any couple who wants to protect their marriage, not just people who have experienced an affair within their marriage.

Signs of an emotional affair and why they are dangerous:

• Mind shift- This person begins to occupy space in your mind.  Your thoughts, dreams, and even fantasies begin to include them, and its almost always at the expense of excluding your spouse.

• Time Shift- This is when you crave to be around the other person, and you start to change where you spend your time. Often you are wherever the other person is… the gym, work, etc. This leads to prioritizing time with the other person over your spouse.

• Emotional Shift- You crave a deeper connection with the other person and start to care about them more than you do a friend or co-worker. Emotions start to develop and they are fuel to the emotional affair fire, motivating us to spend our time and energy on this person. It is in this shift that emotions get harder and harder to resist.

• Intimacy Shift- You are now desiring to be involved with this person in the deepest parts of your life. Going on adventures together, being in a relationship, and fantasizing of sexual activities.

The shifting process happens quickly, and it is like quicksand. It is a dangerous situation to be in with someone who isn’t your spouse, especially if the other person involved is unaware of your thoughts and feelings towards them. That puts everyone in an awkward position.

How to prevent emotional affairs:

• Stop walking in the denial. See the situation for what it is versus telling yourself “Its not that big of a deal”.

• Don’t be ignorant: Just because you aren’t having feelings or fantasies about someone, doesn’t mean they aren’t taking your relationship the wrong way. You offering a listening ear, or inviting that specific co-worker to lunch could indicate to them that you are interested in pursuing a closer relationship.
  

How to protect yourself and your marriage from emotional affairs:

• Prioritize your spouse: Make regular time for them - whether it’s date nights or meaningful conversations.

• Maintain open communication: Be open and honest in your communication with your spouse. Are you doing a daily check-in to see how they are doing or how their day was? Communication is key and check-ins can make your spouse feel heard, appreciated, and cared for.

• Set healthy boundaries: Establish boundaries with friends, co-workers, and people of the opposite sex. Think of it as putting up a picket fence up around your marriage - no one can get in without going through the gate. Be a good “gatekeeper”! You can also follow the “Billy Graham Rule”, which is something some spouses practice by not allowing themselves to dine, travel, or go out to an event with a person of the opposite sex without their spouse with them. This eliminates the chances for the emotional attachment to grow in an unhealthy way, and it prevents people from talking about you if they see you in public with another man or woman.

• Nurture your marriage: Invest in activities that strengthen your bond with your spouse - feed into each other. This could look like going to the movies, participating in your spouse’s hobbies, dinner out or at home, etc.

• Seek Help: Not from your family and friends, who tend to take sides in situations like this. Seek professional help from someone who can call you out, tell you what you NEED to hear, and help you work through it.

Matthew 19: 4-6 says, “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Separation causes wounds, and when a marriage is separated due to an emotional affair, people get hurt.

Our Challenge to you is to give yourself an honest assessment of your thoughts. Where are they at? Who are you thinking about?

To hear more on this topic and to learn more about protecting our marriage from emotional affairs, listen to episode 289 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast.

On this episode, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson of Rock Solid Families dive deeper into the topic of emotional affairs, provide realistic examples of what it may look like in your marriage, and elaborate on how to protect your marriage from the damaging effects.

To hear more content related to family, marriage, and relationships, subscribe to the Rock Solid Families Podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcast.

Are We Teaching Our Kids to be Consumers or Producers?

We are all naturally both a consumer and a producer, but our mindset determines what energy we put back into the world around us - Are we a giver or a taker? It is easy to be consumer-minded with all of the instant gratification and access to all sorts of resources at our fingertips. (Think Amazon same day or next day delivery…talk about on-demand! )

Our kids are also experiencing this commercialized consumer mindset. They tend to demand more and more as they get older, trying to stay on top of the trendiest shoes and clothing, “needing” a new car on their sixteenth birthday, wanting more freedom, and the list goes on. But what they don’t always think about is that these demands and freedoms come with having more responsibilities. By giving in to our children’s every demand and desire, we are encouraging a consumer mindset, avoiding their responsibilities, and setting them up for failure.

As parents, it is our job to help them understand what is involved with their wants and needs. How much something costs, the time needed to make it happen, necessary resources, etc. This teaching should start in the leadership season of parenting, when children are between the ages of 3 - 13, and be reinforced during the mentoring season (Ages 13-18).

In episode # 288 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda Hutchinson provide us with 10 simple ways we can ensure we are raising producers (givers/servers) and not consumers (takers).

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1.) Make sure you are unified as parents.
It is important to be on the same page as your spouse and make sure that the family values are established. Oftentimes kids will try to put mom and dad against each other, and when it falters, it can lead to resentment between parents and becomes more of a marital issue than a parenting issue.

2.) State what you want for your kids.
Not in the current moment, but in the long run. Who do you want them to be when they are around the age of 18-21? What do you want them to be like?

3.) Teach them the importance of contributing to the family.
Whether it is doing daily or weekly chores, helping set up or clean up the dinner table, or attending family outings or activities. Family comes first and its beneficial to reflect on how their actions affect the family as a whole - is it impactful or hurtful?

4.) Let your kids know the cost of things that they consume and what it takes for you to provide those things.
Don’t use this to guilt them or when you have given something or done something as a gift. Instead, use this to teach them the cost of items in terms of hours of work or time spent to achieve the goal.

5.) Encourage opportunities for them to be responsible.
Simple chores offer opportunities for children to be held responsible and are a great way to start contributing to the greater good of the family unit. Whether it is feeding the dog, taking out the trash, doing the dishes, or cleaning their rooms, it helps them see the world outside of themselves, and how what they do impacts not just themselves, but others around them.

6.) Teach them to serve and give while using their time, talents, and treasures.
Serving others with your time and talents helps create leaders! If you aren’t sure what your gifts or talents are, you can take this spiritual gifts assessment and it will provide you with ways that you might enjoy or excel at while serving others.

7.) Teach them to appreciate the things they have.
We can’t expect our children to naturally have an appreciation for the things they have. We need to teach them to appreciate their things by taking care of our stuff and being thankful. This can be taught by making sure they have some investment in the things they have. This could look like them saving up to help pay for an expensive electronic they really want, cleaning their car (inside and out!), or cleaning up and selling that dirt bike they just HAD to have 2 months after buying it because it wasn’t as fun as they thought it would be.

8.) Don’t do things for them that they are capable of doing themselves - Yes, I’m talking to you too, Moms!
It’s so easy to fall into this trap of doing things for our children because it’ll get done quicker, it’ll get done correctly, and it will get done the first time we ask. But children are usually capable of doing more than we think. I challenge you to stretch what you think they are capable of and then ask them to do it. If we do everything for them, they won’t learn to do things for themselves and will be stuck in this consumer mindset thinking that “someone else will do it.” or “its not my job to do that.”

9.) Give them examples of people who have chosen a dominant life as consumers as well as those who have chosen to be producers.
The story of Elvis Presley comes to mind on this one. On the outside, he seemed to have it all together - he had the fame and the fortune. He was well-known and well-liked by his fans but behind the scenes, he was narcissistic and rude to his staff and crew. Turns out, he grew up poor and with an overprotective mom who did everything for him as a way of her coping with the loss of another child.

10.) Let them know that you did not invent this function of parenting.  It was invented by Christ!
Mark 10:45 says, “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for man.” It is God’s will for us to live a life like Jesus and for Jesus. Jesus was the perfect example of how we should live, and if he lived to serve others, we should too!

Click HERE to watch the full episode from Rock Solid Families on raising producers verses consumer.

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The Harrison Butker Discussion - What Was He Really Saying?

Harrison Butker was invited to give the commencement speech at Benedictine College. You’ve likely seen a clip from his speech online or in the news, but have you listened to the full speech? If you are a Christian living a Christian lifestyle, you will likely find the speech good, but not surprising. However, If you watched the news clips, you likely have the idea that Harrison was trying to command all women to forget about careers and stay home to make babies. That is not what his speech was about. Yes, he touched on topics such as Covid-19 policies, faith, church leadership, and many social issues like abortion and the LGBTQ community, but his message was about standing firm in your beliefs.

Within just a few days, his commencement speech went viral and received 1.2 million views on YouTube. But what caused this uproar?

It could be because, in todays society, many of us identify ourselves by what we believe in, whether it’s our faith or the social issues we feel strongly about. It could also be because his speech reflects the current large division of our country - between conservative traditional values, and progressive liberal values.

On episode 287 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, you will hear Merrill and Linda Hutchinson of Rock Solid Families dive into the context of Harrison's message, the relevance of his audience, and how it relates to the Bible and the beliefs of Catholics and Christians alike. They also discuss WHY it is important to know your faith, whether you're Catholic, Christian, or any other faith, and how you should examine your lifestyle and choices according to your faith. Harrison’s speech, just like Moses in Deuteronomy 6, challenges us to do just that - to stand firm in our faith and what we believe, versus the diabolical lies of the world we live in.

When we stand up for God and our beliefs, we are going to take some heat from the world around us. We see this in the Book of Daniel in the Bible. It is important to teach our families what we believe and why we believe. Harrison’s message to stand firm in your faith is essential to growing our families and children into strong adults who govern themselves by a compass much more effective than their own opinions. Teaching our families to ground their values in unwavering faith will help carry them through the heat the world will attempt to put them through. If you or your kids are feeling like the world is bombarding you with worldly messages, it may be time for you to take a stand like Harrison Butker.

Harrison's Speech:    • Harrison Butker FULL controversial co...   https://rocksolidfamilies.org

Listen to the full Rock Solid Families discussion regarding Harrison Butker’s commencement speech:

Bring Out the Best in Your Spouse

Marriage was created by God and it is meant to be a blessing. Some days marriage can be harder than others, but scripture instructs us on how to be the best spouse we can be, even when it is difficult.

Merrill and Linda dive into the books of Ephesians, 1 Corinthians, James, and Matthew to teach us different ways we can bring out the best in our spouse, which ultimately brings out the best in your marriage. If you listen to episode # 284 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, you may even get to hear them banter back and forth about their own marriage experiences as well. ;)

Here are 6 ways you can bring the best out in your spouse:

1.) Recognize you are on the same team and are equal players in this endeavor. Ephesians 5 tells us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Every husband must love his wife as himself, and every wife must respect her husband. You are in this marriage together, on one team. Without love and respect, the team can’t collaborate effectively.

2.) 1 Corinthians 12 states just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. You must focus on your spouse's strengths. You have a choice on what you will focus on when it comes to your spouse, and If you choose to focus on their shortcomings and weaknesses, that is all you will see. Praise them for the good they do, for their strengths. After all, what is praised, is repeated!

3.) Effective communication - James 1:19 says everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak. Merrill and Linda recommend having a conversation with your spouse for at least 10-15 minutes a day. During that check-in you should validate that you are hearing your spouse by acknowledging what they say and do not give advice unless you are asked for it. Instead ask, “How can I help?” or “What do you need from me?” Once that check-in is over, you should be able to walk away with a sense of HOW your spouse is truly doing.

4.) Be your best! Instead of focusing on what your partner is or is not doing, focus on what you can do better to be the best version of yourself, not just for you, but also for your spouse. When focusing on being the best version of yourself, access yourself in the following 3 categories:

- Spiritual Growth - Are you practicing to be more Christ-like?
- Physical Growth - Are you taking care of your body? Are you healthy? Are you fit? Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? Are you attractive to your spouse?
- Personal Growth - Are you stretching and challenging yourself in your desires and gifts? Practicing a hobby or taking a new class?

5.) Love them the way they want to be Loved, and learn what makes them feel respected and valuable. This is easier when you know your partner’s Love Language. Is it acts of service? Words of affirmation? Getting gifts? If you don’t know your partner’s love language, we highly encourage you to find out.

6.) Build your life and your relationships on something that is ROCK SOLID. Without a firm foundation that is solid or unshakable, you run the risk of things falling apart pretty quickly. You tend to look out for #1 and focus inward on yourself.  It’s like building your life on sinking sand. The first wave hits and suddenly things are washed away. What are the values you are building your marriage and family on? Is it a strong Christian faith? Even if you are not a person of faith or a church-goer, we still challenge you to give it a try. Start building your life and relationships on something solid like integrity, honesty, faithfulness, kindness, dependability, good work ethic, etc. It not only will bring out the best in your spouse, but yourself as well.

With Christ as the cornerstone of your relationships, you will have a common and firm foundation. Just like the wise builder in Matthew 7, with a foundation built on Christ, your house will not fall. As you grow in your relationship together, we encourage you to pray together and practice forgiveness and grace, just like God does with the Church.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH the Rock Solid Families Podcast episode on Bringing out the best in your spouse here.

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How to Parent Through Excessive Complaining.

In the Bible, Philippians 2: 14-15 says “Do everything without grumbling or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky.”

I think most of us have experienced when our child has one of those days where they are quick to grumble or tell us about every ache or pain they are experiencing. When they are telling you about the aches and pains they are experiencing, it is with such emotion that you wonder how they are even living through it. Five minutes later, you hear laughing and playing outside and you see that same child playing with their friends outside having what seems to be a pain-free time.

Parents today often ask, “So, when should I take my child seriously and when should I go tone deaf or even dismissive of their complaints?” Some modern counselors will tell you that you should never dismiss your child’s complaints, rather, you should validate their complaints. However, the proof is out on this one - sometimes our kids need to know their irrational complaints need to be shut down sooner rather than later and that it is okay to say “NO” to your kids. Someday they may even thank you.

In Episode # 283 of the Rock Solid Families Podcast, Merrill and Linda discuss how to navigate a child’s excessive complaining. However, this episode is not just limited to children. This idea of how to deal with complainers respectfully is common in so many places - work, school, church, etc. Rock Solid Families wants to tackle this topic because it primarily relates to the home and is the first training step to helping our children recognize and deal more appropriately with their own complaints.

Chronic complainers we interact with in life are typically people who have practiced the act of complaining for a long time. Somehow they seem to believe they were successful with this strategy in the past and keep doing it. However, as we talk about how to deal with the complaints of our children, we want to first lay out a few disclaimers and understandings:

You must handle their complaints appropriately for the season they are in. Remember the seasons:
(Click each link below to listen to our podcast episodes on the different seasons of parenting.)

Season 1: Service 0 - 2 yrs - Service Years
Season 2: Leadership 3-13 yrs - Leadership Years
Season 3: Mentoring 13-18/21 yrs - Mentorship Years
Bonus season: Friend and Counsel 21+ - Emancipation Years

If you have a child in the first season, 0-2 years of age, you never dismiss their cries. In the second season - Leadership, 3-13 years of age, this is where the training takes place to help your kids learn the language of how to express what the emotions are behind the complaint. Early in this season, you can help them by teaching them the actual words of the emotion - “Are you feeling angry? Sad? Tired?…. DO NOT GET INTO THE HABIT OF BEING THE RESCUE PARENT - THEY ARE NO LONGER IN SEASON 1.

Begin to teach your child how to problem solve by teaching them how to ask better questions. “What can I do about my complaint?” Later in Season 2 about ages 8-13, if you’re child leans towards the chronic complainer side, teach them PERSPECTIVE. This is where they can begin to look at life through other people’s eyes. It is also the initial way of learning of EMPATHY for others.

Hear more about parenting through the excessive complaining by listening to our podcast at the link below: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaxk6U4SLRM&t=1459s

http://rocksolidfamilies.org

Wisdom from Grandpa's Old Sayings

When I was young my dad, Merrill Sr, used to say things that my siblings and I would either laugh at, ignore, or just shake our heads because we thought he was a little crazy.  As we got older, we started to pay more attention to his seemingly meaningless phrases and began to realize he was attempting to impart a little wisdom on us without a long and drawn out sermon.  My dad was the master of idioms. Seldom did he have a conversation where he would not resort to one of his favorite nuggets of wisdom. Maybe some of them bring back memories from your childhood too. Here are some of his favorites.

• Don’t worry about the mule going blind, just load the wagon!

• Do something even if it’s wrong!

• Stop spinning your wheels!

• Busier than a one-armed paper hanger!

• It’s hotter than the hinges of hades.

• Don’t let the cat out of the bag.

• Better to let a sleeping dog lie

• Dumber than a box of rocks

• Happier than a pig in poop

• Even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while

• Make hay while the suns a shining

• It’s not rocket science

• A good run is better than a poor stand

• The straw that broke the camel’s back

• Grass is always greener on the other side

• Don’t count your chickens before the eggs have hatched

• We’ll cross that bridge when you come to it

• Burning the candle at both ends

I could go on and on, and I’m sure you can think of many more used in your house. So, what’s so special about all these old sayings? Just like the tune of a old song can get stuck in your head, so too can these words of wisdom.  Passing wisdom down from one generation to the next happens through a variety of ways- stories, songs, poems, movies, etc as well as old sayings and idioms.

As this holiday season approaches, you may find yourself surrounded by friends and family. Take time to ask questions and tune in to stories of those you love and care about. Listen closely to the wisdom they impart. Take time to think about how you have learned so many of the values that guide you through your life.  Maybe even write some of them down. Give credit to the people who passed those values to you, and think about how you want to pass them along.

My children are always talking about grandpa’s old sayings. Several years ago, my son and nephew were so inspired by their grandpa’s one liners that they gave him a recording device to capture his funny and interesting sayings. They asked their grandpa to set the device by his recliner and record his thoughts and one liners.  My dad thought it was kind of fun idea and took them up on their idea. Over the course of the several months, my dad would grab the recorder and share some of his favorites for his grandkids.  

Today, my dad is 89 and struggles to recall much of anything, but thanks to my son and nephew, we have an entire collection of grandpa’s sayings to pass to the next generation.  It’s such a blessing to close our eyes and listen to grandpa’s voice as he imparts nuggets of wisdom and timeless teachings about the things that really matter. That’s a gift to be truly thankful for. Thanks, Dad! We love you!

A Father’s Love

Let’s give a warm welcome to one of my favorite months of the year, June! And man is it coming in hot! It’s hard to believe sweet summer time is already here. For me, summer has always been associated with rest and relaxation, specifically by the pool, soaking up the sunrays. I live for the long, sunny pool days, accompanied with delicious grill outs, competitive games of cornhole, bonfires, stargazing, and time with family and friends.

Sharing My Birthday
The month of June is also extra special to me, because it’s my birthday month. I am blessed to have countless fun memories of celebrating my birthday with my family and friends over the years, and there are milestone birthdays I will never forget. I was born on the first day of summer and Father’s Day. Whenever my birthday falls on a Sunday, it’s joined with Father’s Day. As a child, I didn’t really appreciate this all so much; However, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown to realize that being born on Father’s Day and sharing my day with my father is truly a special gift. 

Learning From My Mom and Dad
Working in mental health over the last 6 years, I’ve learned a lot about the importance of relationships. It’s our relationships and the experiences we have within our relationships that have the biggest impact on our beliefs about ourselves and our beliefs about others. It’s in our relationships where we learn whether the world is safe or dangerous. And the most critical relationships in forming these beliefs are those with our caregivers: our mother and father.

If our mother and father are present and attend to our basic needs with love and care during our early stages of development, we are more likely to believe that we are safe and we can trust others. If our mother and/or father are not present and don't attend to our basic needs, we can easily form the belief that we are not safe or secure, others can’t be trusted, and we need to react accordingly to survive. Ultimately, our relationship with our mother and father sets the stage for how we engage with the world around us.  

Lies About Our Heavenly Father
In 2020, I was in a small group at church, and I remember one specific session when we discussed our perceptions and beliefs about our heavenly Father. We were given a handout with all of these lies one may believe about God, and we were to identify the lies that we personally believed. I remember looking through the list and thinking, “I’ve never thought any of these things about God”. As others began sharing with the group the lies they identified with, I remember feeling so confused and surprised that others had multiple lies they had been believing about their heavenly Father, and I just couldn’t relate. Later on, the leader went on to explain how we tend to perceive our heavenly Father similarly to how we perceive our earthly father. Then it all started to make sense.

Never Questioning His Love
Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude, I realized the positive view of my heavenly Father was influenced by the positive relationship with my earthly father. My father has always been there for me when I’ve needed him. He’s the prime example of provider and protector. He would do whatever it takes to care for his family without expecting anything in return. My father taught me forgiveness, gentleness, and the power of feeling and showing the uncomfortable emotions this world teaches us to hide.

Of course my dad is human not perfect, and just like all relationships, he and I have definitely had our moments of conflict (especially in my hormonal teenage years). But it’s evident how the qualities of my earthly father have influenced my beliefs of my heavenly Father, and to say I’m grateful is an understatement. I’ve never questioned my dad’s love for me, and I can say the same about God.

When the Walls Go Up
Unfortunately, there are many individuals who have not had a healthy relationship with their father and many that haven’t had a relationship with their father at all. We can let our defensive walls come up to protect our broken heart and lie to ourselves and say this doesn’t affect us, but it does. It’s easier to say it doesn’t bother us, than to accept the reality that the one who gave us life, hurt us.

We live in a broken world and we have all been hurt in relationships at some point, with far too many of us having been hurt by our caregivers. These emotional wounds change how we view ourselves, others, and ultimately how we view God. The truth that we struggle to realize and believe is that our heavenly Father is the only one that won’t hurt us and the only one who can truly satisfy our deepest needs and desires. 

What’s In our Way?
If we want to have a deep relationship with our heavenly Father, we need to identify what’s getting in our way. Are you holding onto false beliefs about yourself or about others, that you are projecting onto God? Have you been hurt, betrayed, or rejected by a significant relationship that was supposed to be safe, loving, and secure? If trust has been broken in your earthly relationships, it makes sense as to why you may struggle to trust God. We all have emotional wounds that need to be attended to, and the good news is there’s a heavenly Father longing to comfort and heal us with His loving presence. 

Healing Those Wounds
This year, Father’s day is on June 18th. For some, this will be a joyful day, for others it will be painful. And for some, it will be a mixture of all kinds of emotions. My prayer is that you invite Jesus into whatever emotion you’re feeling when thinking of this day. I pray the Lord reveals any emotional wound that may be getting in the way of you having a deep, intimate relationship with Him, and that He would heal that wound with His love. And despite what your relationship is/was like with your earthly father, I pray that on this Father’s Day, you know and encounter your heavenly Father and His love for you in a new and powerful way. He loves you so much, and there’s nothing that you’ve done or could do to change His love for you. 

Are You An Insecure Parent?

Recently, a divorced mom came to see me wanting help with the relationship with her adult children. The more we talked, the more she began to realize just how insecure and anxious she was as a parent raising her children as a single mom.  She lived in a constant state of anxious “what ifs”.  She also struggled with guilt from the divorce and not being “good enough” as a parent.

After our first session, I gave her some homework and asked her to begin reading the New York Times Best selling book, Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. At our next meeting, she shared with me how one line in the book stopped her in her tracks and opened her eyes. She even sent the quote to her adult daughter and asked her…”is this how I made you feel growing up”? This is what she read in that book that was so impactful for her… “To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.”― Henry Cloud, Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

Does that quote describe you?   Are you parenting out of fear and insecurity rescuing your son or daughter from the natural consequences of their behavior?  I have to admit for a long time that was me too. It was my own insecurities and fear that drove many of my decisions as a parent. Thankfully, I am married to an adventurer and risk taker, who helped me see exactly what Dr. Henry Cloud was talking about in his book, Boundaries. I didn’t want to hold my children back from being all that God had designed them to be. 

Here are our Five Insecurity Busters that I learned the hard way in becoming a healthy, secure parent. I hope these five tools help empower you and your children to be all that God created them to be. 

1. IDENTIFY your own fears AND how they influence your parenting decisions. What in your background or past are you running or hiding from? What happened to you that you have never healed from or dealt with that you are now trying to protect your children from? We can’t heal from something we don’t acknowledge. If you don’t know where to start, seek wise biblical counsel to help you see past your blinders. 

2. EQUIP your Children for Difficult Times. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage,  “Give a man a fish, he eats for a day, teach him how to fish and he eats for a lifetime.” Let’s face it, your children  will have difficult times. Don’t try and save them from difficult things. You leave them ill equipped and unprepared to face difficulties.  In other words, you render them powerless.

3. TEACH your kids how TO  assess “Risk vs Reward” when making any decision and then let them reap the reward or consequences of those decisions. Remember what Dr. Henry Cloud said in the book Boundaries, we don’t want to rescue our children from the natural consequences of their decisions. Help them learn this now while they are still under your roof.

4. ENCOURAGE your kids to build up their resilience muscles.  When they get knocked down, encourage them to get back up. Acknowledge and have empathy for their pain, but don’t protect them from failure or hurt. 

5. MODEL a dependency on God for your strength, comfort, and direction. A healthy dependence and trust in God is the greatest insecurity buster ever. Knowing God is bigger than anything they may face in life is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give your children. Teach them to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”  Matthew 6:33.

We all struggle at times with our own insecurities, but as parents, we must try NOT to pass them along to our children. They will have enough natural ones on their own as they grow and mature.  If we truly want to help the next generation we must give them the tools they need to handle the challenges of life rather than hide and shelter them from them.

Reasonable risks and adventures are healthy and necessary for your child to grow to their greatest potential. Again, let’s stop handicapping our kids out of our own fears and limitations. Let’s teach and equip our children  how to overcome the challenges they will inevitably face in life and set them up for great success. 

God has NOT given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

For more information on Insecure Parenting, check out Episode 232 of Rock Solid Radio that airs April 17, 2023 or click HERE for more good stuff on Faith, Family and Personal Wellness.

New Beginnings for Ben and Emily

As we wrap up 2022 and welcome in the new year, we wanted to introduce you to two of our recent clients as they share some reflections from their time at Rock Solid Families and as they begin their new life together as husband and wife. Walking alongside engaged couples like Ben and Emily through our PREPARE premarital program is probably one of the favorite things we do. It’s exciting to meet couples like Ben and Emily who want to invest in their life together and put God as the center of their relationship. 

Even though they had dated for a long time and were looking forward to their October 2022 wedding, Ben and Emily still wanted to build a rock solid foundation as husband and wife. They wanted to learn new tools to grow deeper personally and as a couple. Rock Solid Families is here to help couples do just that. Meet Ben and Emily and hear a little bit more of their story…

1. Tell us a little bit about you two and how you met. Long story short, we met each other when we were kids. We met again later in life through mutual friends in 2013 when we were both 17 years old. 

2. What brought you to Rock Solid Families to start with? We were referred through our friend, David Vaughn. We knew we wanted to have the tools to build a solid marriage. We also wanted to grow personally as individuals and together as a couple. 

3. What were some of the things you learned about marriage, each other, about the importance of faith, etc during PREPARE?  When you have been with one another for so long, you might think that you know everything about the other person. And that may be true, but after diving in we found out more about ourselves individually and how we can best serve each other and God in our marriage. We learned healthy communication habits, how we wanted to work together for our financial goals, and how to keep "dating" each other even when you are married or have been together for as long as we have. The most important thing that we learned is to keep God at the center of our life.  

1. Any surprises about your work in PREPARE? Not any that we couldn't work through or talk openly about. That's the secret to a healthy marriage in our opinion - be honest and open with your partner. Even after being together for so long, there are moments in life that you can't anticipate on our own without some guidance. PREPARE was able to bring these situations to light and allowed us to develop the tools we will need to have later on to continue supporting each other through both good times and bad.

2. Would you recommend Rock Solid Families to others?   Absolutely! We were very blessed to have the opportunity to go through this program. We are also more than happy to chat with couples who may be on the fence! 

3. What would you say to any couple who are wanting to start a life together? Marriage is a team effort! Your team is best when you have support, good communication, honesty, and looking out for the others' best interest. Marriage isn't always easy and neither is life. But if you know that your teammate has your back at the end of the day, it makes the hard days a little bit easier. We would also say to invest in each other. That could mean pre-martial counseling, dating each other, financial planning, praying together, etc. Love is an action word! You have to show it, not just say it.  

4. What are you two looking forward to in 2023?  Spending our first full married year together! We also are on the hunt to become dog parents.