Kids and Their Friends

When I was growing up, the friends I had were either kids I went to school with or neighbors who lived on my street. If you are over the age of 40, you know what I’m talking about. We didn’t have the world wide web that could connect us instantly with someone across town or in a different state. We didn’t have social media platforms that would allow us to “find friends'' instantly. Kids today are dealing with scenarios we never had to deal with when it comes to making and keeping friendships. Yes, it's a whole new world, but as a parent, there are some basic sound principles that are still important to keep in mind when it comes to your child and their friends.

FRIENDSHIP PRINCIPLES

1. Speak early and often about what a healthy friendship looks like. This can start even at the age of 2 when your child finds a new friend on the playground. Things like kindness, sharing, taking turns are all values you should begin to instill in your child the day they start interacting with others. 

2. Surround your kids with other families who share similar values. Put them in positive environments where there are other children and adults who will model what you want your child to be like. One of the favorite places for our children has been at church where families from all walks of life come to build a rock solid foundation for their home and family. I didn’t say perfect kids, but ones who are being guided with similar values as yours.

3. Ask lots of questions about who they like to be around and why. If your child is school age, make sure you initiate frequent casual conversations about things like the playground, the cafeteria, the classroom. Who do they play with and what do they like to do together? It’s a great chance to get a peek into your child’s world and see if they are making good choices in their friendships. Make your home a safe place to come with any conflicts or difficulties in their friendships. Not that you are going to go in and fix it for them, but help them brainstorm how to resolve the conflict themselves.

4. Encourage your kids to bring their friends around your home and family, so that you can observe how they interact together. Listen in on car ride conversations and how they talk to one another. Watch how they play on the trampoline together or what they do in the basement when you’re not around. Make sure you follow up privately with them any concerns or red flags you begin to have. 

5. Keep the lines of communication open and comfortable even into their teen years. When our kids are teenagers, it becomes more difficult to monitor every little friend interaction, but it’s still super important to keep the lines of communication open about their friendships. Continue on the same routine as above asking them about their friendships and what they enjoy about those friends. Invite their friends to hang out at your house. If you find your teen is always going over someone else’s house, get to know that family. Make sure you connect with those parents and have regular communication with them. Your child is less likely to sneak or lie, if they know you have the ability to follow up and confirm their plans. Not saying you always have to but always can if needed. 

Walk with the Wise
There is a very wise proverb that says, Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. Proverbs 13:20. If you learn that your teen is walking with the fools and suffering harm, don’t save them from the natural consequences of their actions. They will never learn if you are always saving them or defending them. 

If your teen starts hanging with the wrong crowd and breaks your trust, explain to them you are not judging or condemning their friend. No one is forcing your child to make these poor decisions. Make sure they understand the buck stops with them. They are responsible for their own actions and consequences. As a consequence of breaking your trust, limit his/her exposure to that friend or group until the trust has been restored. In the meantime, flood their schedule with positive people and healthy environments. Whether it be a mentor, sport, club, youth group, church function, serving opportunity or all of the above, help them to walk with the wise and become wise. Obviously every child and home is unique, but we believe that by applying these principles you can prepare your child for rich and healthy friendships, as they grow into a healthy, independent adult. If we can help you and your family work through some of the things we’ve mentioned in this blog or in this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio, please give us a call at 812-576-ROCK. We’re here to help!

Click HERE to watch Episode 153 of Rock Solid Radio, Kids and their Friends

Click HERE to listen to Episode 153 of Rock Solid Radio, Kids and their Friends

Will They Ever Leave?

Have you ever had family or friends outstay their welcome?  How about you, have you ever outstayed your welcome in someone’s home?  What does it mean to no longer feel like you are welcomed? When our adult kids come back to visit, for example, we are full of excitement to see them and catch up on the latest in their lives.  The energy, conversation, and time spent together is amazing.  But then, things begin to change.  After a time we can all feel the newness of the visit wearing down and there is almost a feeling of everyone treading on each other’s feet.  Simple things like how many cars are parked in the driveway that I have to be aware of so I don’t back into one of them.  Taking turns in the kitchen to make myself lunch. Having a conversation of give and take on what television show is going to be watched.  All of this and not to mention the significant increase in the amount of food, laundry, and cleanup to keep the house running.  Suddenly, there is a feeling of, “okay, I’m ready to get my life back”.  

But, what if I told you there was no end in sight of your guests leaving?  This is the case more and more, as we see adult children coming back under the roof of their parents.  Parents love helping their children, but sometimes the helping gesture begins to turn sour.  Parents begin to feel used and intruded upon, and in some cases, the adult children begin to feel like they are being mothered all over again.  Small cracks in the relationship begin to turn into wide canyons. Before you know it the family is breaking down, and no one is happy.  

This scene is real in many homes today, and the difficult news is that it seems to be a growing trend.  The good news is that there are many things we can do to make these visits a pleasant and helpful experience for everyone involved. Understanding how to communicate in advance of saying yes to your house guests is key, and boundaries are a must!  What’s mine is yours and yours is mine often does not float well when a bunch of adults are under one roof together.  Set some clear boundaries and draw out some specific expectations beforehand to avoid confusion and hurt in the relationship later.  And finally, determine an end date before you even get started.   Leaving the stay open-ended can be a sure-fire means to destruction in many homes and relationships. Having a vision for how long something is going to last helps to give everyone the mental strength to endure when things get challenging.  Put a date on the calendar even if you are unsure of what is next for your house guests. That way you have the opportunity to revisit the situation and honestly evaluate whether or not this is still working for the host.

The value of family is incredibly important, and we want to protect it and keep it that way. We don’t want families to have a sour taste in their mouth for one another because of blurred boundary lines or unspoken resentment. We want to raise our kids to be self-sufficient and responsible adults.  When we have done this well, we can avoid challenging overstays that seem to become endless intrusions on our lives. Minimize the family drama and maximize the family experience by leading well during these times.     

Click HERE to listen to Episode 152 of Rock Solid Radio, Will They Ever Leave?

Click HERE to watch Episode 152 of Rock Solid Radio, Will They Ever Leave?

Start Young

On this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio, Episode 151- “Do you want a child centered home?”, we shared with our listeners and viewers why a child centered home is a recipe for disaster. We layed out the biblical model for a strong and healthy home-God, Marriage, Children.

This approach to parenting and family starts young, usually at the fun stage we like to call the “terrible twos”. You know that season of parenting when our little ones begin their quest for autonomy and independence. It’s a pivotal season for parents as they decide and model the authority in the home. It can definitely be an exhausting battle as the toddler exercises his/her new found voice and strong will, but it’s one that parents MUST be intentional about if the kids have any chance of success later in life.

If you are a single parent and are tempted to give in or give up the fight because it’s too hard, please keep reading. It can be done, and it is so worth the energy now to prevent bigger headaches later. 

I’ve worked with children for over 30 years and I get it. There is no foolproof method and no easy ride. Our children will find every way possible to push our buttons and wear us down. We’re not going to get it all right and our kids are not going to either. This is a parenting journey not a destination, and please don’t expect this season to go perfectly. You’re going to blow it. I know I did...many times, but I got back on the horse and stayed the course. Here are a few priceless lessons your children and grandchildren will quickly learn if we fight for a God Centered home instead of a Child Centered one:

1. “You’re not the Boss”- Kids quickly get the message that mommy, daddy, and anyone else responsible for their care are the boss. The respect for authority starts from the moment they can walk and talk. Learning this important lesson early and reinforcing it at every stage of development equips your child for the real world and sets them up for success later on. We will always have people in authority over us in life-teachers, bosses, police, etc. It’s better if we get used to it early.

2. “No Manners, No Way”-Even at the young age of two, our granddaughter already knew that manners were a must. It was “Yes, please” and “No thank you” if she had any chance of getting what she wanted. Even getting up from the table after a meal required a polite ask to be excused

3. “Waiting not Whining”-Whether it’s entertaining themselves before dinner or waiting in the check-out line, patience is a learned behavior. Throwing fits should never get a child what they want. 

4. “We’re A Team”-Serving should start young. Everyone in your home should have a job. It may be picking up toys, throwing a diaper in the trash, or putting dishes in the sink, but even a two year old can help.

5. “You are Loved”-There’s not a day that should go by that your child doesn’t hear you say, “I love you”. But words are not enough. Children can pick up on your mood and emotions. Be careful disciplining in anger. Make sure you always circle back around and reassure your child that they are loved. It makes a child feel safe and secure.That way they don’t equate discipline with rejection. 

6. “Follow Me”-None of the lessons above mean anything unless they are practiced as well as taught. The old saying of “walking the walk not just talking the talk” is so true. The apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 11: 1 says, “Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ.” Whether you like it or not, your child is watching your every move and will learn best by what is modeled around them.  When in doubt, look to the example of Christ. He is the ultimate role model. If you don’t respect and obey his authority, most likely they won’t either. If you don’t serve others with a generous heart, how will they ever learn to? As a parent if you don’t regularly remind them how much they are loved, they will go searching for someone who will and chances are it won’t be in a positive way.

I know none of this is rocket science, so why aren't more parents doing it? Respect for authority, manners, serving others are just a few character qualities that are becoming extinct in society today. So many parents have disengaged. Giving in seems so much easier to an exhausted dad or overwhelmed mom.  Tablets and smartphones with instant gratification have replaced parenting and patience. 

Let’s turn the tide in this next generation. I'm so thankful for the many young parents who are setting some healthy boundaries and basic life rules in their family. Let’s get back to those virtues and qualities that not only make our home one of peace and love but our world a much better place to live.

Click HERE to watch to Episode 151 of Rock Solid Radio, Do You Want a Child Centered Home?

Click HERE to listen to Episode 151 of Rock Solid Radio, Do You Want a Child Centered Home?

Bedtime Routines

Bedtime can be a challenging time in many homes.  Unfortunately, It often comes down to the battle of the wills.  Who is going to stand their ground and take home “the win”?  At Rock Solid Families, we are often amazed at how a three year old can dominate a home and set the tone for how the family operates.  

This battle of the wills doesn’t just happen at bedtime; it could be mealtime, homework time, chore time, etc. All of these situations give us opportunities as parents to establish in a healthy and appropriate way who the leader in the house really is.  As adults, who were once kids themselves, we understand that not every child wants to do what they are told, but that’s not the point.  The real question to ask ourselves is this; who is the leader in our home and how are we going leading our family?

At Rock Solid Families, we strongly believe that we, as parents, should be the leaders in their home.  We have the primary responsibility to know what values we want for our children and to do the work to maintain them in our home. It’s important for our kids to see us not wavering from those values or second-guessing them when we get pushback from our kids.  Especially when our children are young, it is important that our parenting be consistent. After all, as we have said in many of our Rock Solid Radio podcasts, consistency leads to security for our kids. The best way to be consistent with our parenting is to establish early on some routines.

Routines are predictable paths of activity that allow our children to know what is happening in the moment and what will be happening in the near future.  It allows a level of predictability and security for our children.   In the case of bedtime for example,  if we, as parents, establish and enforce a regular bedtime routine, our children will quickly be able to recognize what is happening and soon fall into the daily practice.  However, if bedtime is never consistent and is simply based on the level of perceived tiredness , our child will quickly lead the entire house into a state of chaos and confusion.  One night they may seem tired and ready for bed at 7:00 pm; the next night it is closer to 10:00 pm.  This inconsistency leads to confusion; confusion leads to tension, and tension leads to tantrums! Ever have any of those at bedtime?

Establishing routines takes work and is not without its challenges.  When the routine is introduced it may not be accepted by everyone in the house, but that doesn’t mean the routine should not be implemented. It means we’ve allowed some really bad habits to occur.  Calm consistency and persistency are our keys to success!   As a parent, we know what is best for our child.  Let’s lead our children through these routines with calm and consistent confidence. By doing so, we will begin to model and teach them the values we stand for in our home.

For more information on how to establish healthy bedtime routines, click HERE to watch-Rock Solid Radio-Episode 150-My Kid Won’t Go to Bed

For more information on how to establish healthy bedtime routines, click HERE to listen-Rock Solid Radio-Episode 150-My Kid Won’t Go to Bed

Skyler's Story-Finding Light in the Darkness

Hi everyone! My name is Skyler, a 23 year old nursing student from Northern Kentucky.  I could not be more excited to finish my RN in December with only one more semester left!  I have been attending Rock Solid Families for about 8 months now, and it has changed my life. When life got rough, I was blessed enough to have this faith based organization to turn to. 

Was It My Fault?
Earlier this year, I lost a very special person in my life to suicide, and just a couple months later, I lost my grandma due to some fast progressing health issues. It was as if I couldn't catch a break, or get my head out of the dark place I was in. I remember thinking, "why didn't I do more for my friend?  “His suicide was all my fault”’ Losing those two special people in my life in such a short time really took a toll on my mind and heart.

 Pray To God... Now?

I remember my mom telling me, "pray to God. He will help you through this. He hears how upset you are and wants to help you." I remember thinking there was no way I could pray in a time like this. It was a constant battle between giving it all to God or suffering in my own mind and dealing with this heartbreak. It was in those darkest moments when I found God with his arms open wide.

 Best Day of My Life
I started praying every chance I could get. I spent time with God and His Word.  I surrendered all my pain and suffering at his feet. I couldn't have picked a better decision during a time when I felt completely numb. God showed me through his word and his people that he’s been with me all along, even when I wasn’t reaching out to him. It's because of his grace and mercy, I am where I am today. I was baptized into Christ on January 31st, 2021 at Seven Hills Church in Florence, Ky.  I was surrounded by so much love that day. It was one of the best days of my life!  I continue to grow closer and closer to Christ attending church every Sunday with family and friends giving back to him what he so generously has given to me.

 Building On A Rock Solid Foundation
Before coming to Rock Solid Families, I had never experienced anything like one on one coaching. Linda listened and gave me the tools to grow closer to God. It’s exactly what I needed, and I don’t know where I would be today without this rock solid foundation. I have learned so much about myself, and how God really works in my life. Linda helped me find a bible I could read and understand, and that has been a huge blessing. I am so thankful God led me to Rock Solid Families. If you're looking for a place where you’re not judged but accepted with the love of Christ, then this is where you need to be. 

 Light In The Darkness
I am still working on the grieving process in my sessions with Linda. Some days are harder than others.  I am not sure my heart will ever be 100% healed, but I do know without a doubt that God loves me and is alive and active in my life. I want to be a light to people in dark times, and I want to help others with their struggles like God’s people did for me. I want to be living proof that God can help in the darkest times and protect you in whatever storm you may face.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. 

Isaiah 43:2

When Trust is Lost, You CAN Rebuild It

This week we focused on a tough but all too common topic: marriages without trust. Back in November I wrote a post about this very topic and felt called to share it again because the message is so critical…

You’ve heard of the famous trust fall - pairing up classmates or teammates, having them face each other while crossing arms and locking hands with their partner standing across from them. As a teacher and coach, I loved challenging my students’ fears and insecurities with the trust fall. It was so cool watching student after student face their fears and take that leap of faith falling safely into the arms of their peers. But what happens when your teammate drops you? How do you rebuild trust and ever take that risk again? 

What if We Get Dropped?
Rebuilding trust is a HUGE issue in our world today.  If we’re being honest, probably all of us have been hurt by someone before who broke our trust. Then how do we rebuild trust after someone has betrayed us or let us fall? Whether it be a spouse, child, parent, friend, coworker or boss, can we ever truly forgive someone who has literally or figuratively “dropped” us? And does forgiveness always mean we should trust them again? 

Every day, people walk into our doors at Rock Solid Families feeling angry and wounded because someone broke their trust. Some have been so hurt by the offense and have no idea where to begin. They want to experience peace and joy again, but instead feel chained by bitterness and unforgiveness. 

Forgiveness vs. Trust
Ideally, a relationship is restored when both partners forgive each other and themselves and trust again, but that’s easier said than done. At Rock Solid Families, one thing that has helped individuals and relationships heal is separating the decision to forgive from the concept of trust. 

You’ve probably heard the old adage about what happens to US, the offended, when we chose NOT to forgive our offender. “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison ourselves and waiting for the other person to die.” Bitterness and anger begin to grow when we harbor those negative feelings of unforgiveness. It eats US up from the inside out. 

Forgiveness is a decision we can make regardless of whether the person who hurt us is sorry for what they did or does anything to make amends. Forgiveness takes the control away from our offender and puts the power solely in our own hands. It is a decision that can set US free and bring US peace regardless, if the relationship is restored or not. 

Trust is a Two Way Street
Trust, on the other hand, is a two way street. Trust says I not only forgive you for dropping me, but I’m willing to try it again. Some would say that’s insane, but for others, the relationship is worth the risk. Maybe it's trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. Maybe, it’s with an adult child after they’ve been caught in addiction.  In order for the relationship to be restored in a healthy way, rebuilding trust is an essential next step. It isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight, but restoring trust is possible and can even make the relationship better and stronger if done right. 

Steps for the Offender to Rebuild Trust
Step One-Take Responsibility for the hurt you caused and admit your wrongs- This first step is so hard for the offender, because pride gets in the way. No one likes to admit they were wrong; let alone take responsibility for hurting someone else. 

Step Two-Be Patient with the Offended-If you have hurt someone, rebuilding trust is going to take time and as the offender, you don’t get to decide how long. The greater the offense, the longer it takes to rebuild trust.  

Step Three – Mean What you Say; Say what you mean. Make sure people can count on your word even with the little things. Don’t be surprised if it takes time for those around you to trust your word again. You’re the one who broke trust.

Step Four – Be Honest and Transparent. If you want to rebuild trust, you have to show the person you offended that you have nothing to hide. That may mean sharing passwords and your whereabouts and not getting defensive or angry when someone asks.

Step Five– Confess Promptly. No one’s perfect, so when you do mess up make sure you own it BEFORE you’re caught in it. As the Scottish novelist, George MacDonald once said, “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved”

Steps for the Offended in Trusting Again
Step One-Remember, no one is perfect including you, but also never forget God doesn’t make junk. Your worth and value come from a God who loves you and created you in His image not from anyone or anything. Search your heart and make sure you are not trying to hold your offender hostage through your unforgiveness. Remember, unforgiveness only hurts YOU. 

Step Two-Surround yourself with healthy, safe people. Seek wise counsel to help you work through the forgiveness process. Find someone neutral like a counselor or pastor who will help you sort out truth from lies.Get professional help if you have relationship wounds that are not healing right. 

Step Three-Step back and let the emotions settle before you make any decisions. Let your words be few. You don’t want to say or do something you will later regret. Don’t stoop to the level of your offender and seek revenge. Keep your character and integrity high. 

Step Four-Protect yourself from any kind of physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse. Forgiveness does not mean you become a martyr or victim. Trust may not be possible in the relationship if the offender does not own their mistakes and take the steps to rebuild trust.

Step Five-Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes two people and takes time. Be patient with yourself and learn to trust again.  Search your heart for any hurt or wrong you have caused in the relationship and own your part whenever possible. Extend grace to the offender if there is real effort being made to restore trust. As long as you’re breathing, there will always be a chance of getting hurt, so learn these skills of forgiveness and rebuilding trust now. It’s worth the effort. 

Emotional Healing is Possible
Don’t stay trapped or paralyzed by old memories or past hurts. Emotional healing is possible! We all need healthy people in our lives. We were not made to do life alone. Healthy relationships are worth fighting for.  When you can think back on the offense and not feel wounded anymore, you’re well on your way to true healing and lasting peace. 

Click HERE to Watch Episode 148 of Rock Solid Radio-Trust in the Marriage

Click HERE to Listen Episode 148 of Rock Solid Radio-Trust in the Marriage

Tagged: trust, relationships, offended, offender

Taming the Tantrum

It doesn’t seem to matter if they are 3, 13, or 23; kids know how to push their parents’ buttons. Don’t they? In my 30 plus years of being a parent, I have never felt like I was going to lose my mind or my hair more than in a parenting situation with one or more of my five children. I remember more than once backing out of my driveway with children in the backseat and slamming on the brakes so firmly trying to grab their attention and jerk a knot in their chain. Yes, that’s right! We hadn’t even gotten out of the driveway yet. I thought for sure I would need brake pads a lot sooner than normal because of it.

Tantrums-Natural Part of Development
This week on Rock Solid Radio, we add some more tools to our Rock Solid Tool Box as we unpack TANTRUMS in our kids. As we described on this week’s Rock Solid Radio podcast, tantrums are a natural part of a child’s development as they test and then develop their emotional regulation. They are learning how to express and manage their feelings, and that’s where we as parents come in. As parents, our job is to help our children navigate their feelings in a healthy, age-appropriate way, so they learn to self regulate and manage their emotions as they grow older.

If Not Handled Now, Then When?
A huge problem in our homes today is that more and more parents are not handling the tantrum when the child is young. For whatever reason, the child has grown up with the notion that a tantrum gets them what they want. So why not throw a fit if eventually you can wear down mom or dad and get your way? Some parents have given in to the tantrum because they feel overwhelmed themselves with the stresses of life and can not handle one more battle. For other parents, emotional self regulation wasn’t something they saw growing up, and they themselves struggle with keeping their emotions under control. So that’s what their kids have seen modeled in the home and imitate themselves.

Stuck In The “Terrible Twos”
As a result, we are seeing a generation of teen and young adult children who are not emotionally prepared for the real world. They are stuck in the “terrible twos” where they want their way and will throw a fit until they get it whether it be at home, in school, on the field, in a mall, or for some, even at a job! As we discussed in this week’s show, what may be a normal and natural reaction for a 3 yr old is not so normal and healthy for a 16 yr old.

When It Gets Out Of Control
Every week at Rock Solid Families, we have parents coming in with difficult stories of their teen and adult children throwing tantrums. Parents are dealing with older children and even adults throwing child-like “tantrums” that include yelling, cussing, slapping, punching, throwing things, and even more serious threats to self or others. If you are a parent and this is your current situation, please don’t keep kicking the can down the road. Now is the time to get some help.

Learn Tools For The Tantrum Now
Ignoring the problem or brushing it under the rug isn’t going to make it go away. As a matter of fact, giving in to a tantrum sends the message that your son or daughter’s immature response is ok, and it will get them what they want. If you are a parent of a toddler or smaller child, take the time to listen to this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio. Learn the tools today to help your child grow and develop in an emotionally healthy way. Our society desperately needs more strong and healthy parents willing to deal with the tantrum TODAY, so that we don’t create more problems for our world tomorrow. Check out Rock Solid Radio Episode 146 Temper Tantrums to learn some practical tools to do just that.

Click HERE to watch the Rock Solid Radio episode 146 Tool Box Series-Temper Tantrums

Click HERE to listen to the Rock Solid Radio episode 146 Tool Box Series-Temper Tantrums

Stop the Nagging!

It has been said that nagging can be as harmful to marriage as adultery. If none of us likes to be nagged, why does it continue to happen?   Wouldn’t the whole family just be happier if all the nagging went away?  The simple answer is, YES!  

Feeling Invisible
So where do we begin?   In a nutshell, nagging comes from when we try to control what we see as important in our lives.  This need for control can be rooted in fear, insecurity, anger, mistrust…you name it. The person nagging may feel dismissed, invisible or misunderstood, but the way they go about resolving the problem isn’t very effective. It’s like using a sledge hammer for a project that needs a screwdriver. Instead of solving the problem, nagging tends to do more harm than good and can damage a relationship beyond repair.

Relationship Tools
So how do we stop the nagging and bring peace back to the marriage? Well, we need some different tools in our tool box. The first is the tool of Active Listening  That means we’re not just talking about the events of the day, but rather talking about how others are doing or feeling through the course of the day.  Through active listening we learn to physically observe and notice how are partner is doing.  Not just by the words they say, but how they say it. Do they seem tired, agitated, angry or frustrated?  If so, it is a great time to give them a little first aid by showing them that you notice their mood and then offer to help.  In order to do this we must implement the tool of Empathy. In other words, try imagining how it would feel to “walk a mile in their shoes”?   We do this not to feel sorry for them, but to try and understand why they may be feeling what they are feeling. Using these two tools help us to move toward fulfilling our wedding vows of for better or for worse.

Time to Step Back
Whether you are nagging or being nagged, it is important to use the tool of Emotional Awareness.  This simply means to take a step back and recognize your emotions before others recognize them for you.  If you are yelling and screaming and don’t have an understanding of your emotional state, you are likely to say and do things you regret.  Take some time today to practice reading your emotions and the people around you.  When you recognize a heightened negative emotional state in yourself or someone else, step back, take a break and allow the emotions to calm down.  This is the tool of Time Out

No More Under the Rug
One tool that we recommend is the Tool of Assertiveness. Many times the nagging is taking place because one or both partners from the very beginning did not “mean what they say and say what they mean”. They’ve maybe brushed things under the rug or made assumptions.  For example, if your partner is telling you they want to play golf next weekend and you agree to it, then you are best to stick with your agreement.  On the other hand, if you see the outing conflicting with the family’s schedule, then you need to be honest up front with your spouse and work together for a compromise or solution. Be assertive with your thoughts and words in a loving and respectful way, and you will have no reason to nag. 

When We Blow It
Let’s face it, sometimes we just blow it! Our emotions get the best of us and as we feel overwhelmed we say and do things that aren’t always helpful.  When this happens (and it will), the most powerful tool we have in our toolbox is the tool of Apology. Yes, I said it, APOLOGY! Holding back the apology fans the flame of anger and stress in the marriage and creates a greater disconnect as a couple.  The faster we learn to authentically apologize for our negative attitude, words, or nagging, the faster we will bring peace back to the relationship. Even if we feel like we are only 5% in the wrong, apologize for that 5%. Don’t let your self-righteousness and insecurity keep you from dropping your defenses and healing the wound before it destroys your marriage.

Click HERE to watch the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging\

Click HERE to listen the Rock Solid Radio episode 145-Stop the Nagging

Finding Hope in the Grief

I’m not even sure how she was able to walk in my office the first night we met. When I asked her weeks later to describe the weight of her despair, she gave it a 10+ out of 10. Debby felt buried by the pain. What in the world could make someone feel so overwhelmed by grief? In this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio, Finding Hope in the Grief, Debby shares the Readers Digest version of her story and how she found hope in the midst of her grief. During our interview with Debby, it was tough to fight back the tears, but let me say this.  In my 30 plus years of working with individuals, couples, and families, I have personally never worked with someone who has experienced such grief and tragic loss.

Life or Death
As we talked about with Debby on this week’s podcast, being buried and being planted feel the same way. One symbolizes death and the other, the beginning of new life. That new life comes when we lay our pain at the Lord’s feet and allow HIM to carry the weight of it all. The apostle Paul reminds us of this.

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 1 Thess 4: 13-14

Running on Empty
We’re reminded in God’s Word NOT to grieve like those who have no HOPE. Our hope is not in our own understanding or our own strength. On her own, Debby was running on empty when it came to either one.  On May 30, 2021, however, Debby experienced the death and burial of her old life and the beginning of a new life in Christ through the waters of baptism. It didn’t immediately take the pain away nor erase the memories of the past, but it did help Debby find HOPE in the middle of the storm, in the midst of her pain. 

Let Go and Let God
Whatever we focus on gets bigger in our lives. Debby chose to live out the psalmist when he wrote…

But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death. Psalm 141:8.

Debby’s motto in life is now “Let Go and Let God”. She has found hope in the midst of her grief. She now knows that God did not cause her pain, but he doesn’t want to waste it either. Every tear, every sleepless night, every heartache-God wants to redeem. How about you? Are you being buried or planted?  Will you let God bring beauty out of ashes and hope even in the midst of your pain?

Click HERE to LISTEN to Episode 144 of Rock Solid Radio, Finding Hope in the Grief

Click HERE to WATCH Episode 144 of Rock Solid Radio, Finding Hope in the Grief.