Rebuilding Trust

As a teacher and coach, I loved challenging my students’ fears and insecurities with the famous trust fall. Pairing up classmates or teammates, I would have them face each other, cross arms and lock hands with their partner standing across from them. All while one scared teenager stood high on a ladder with their back to the group ready to fall into their arms.  It was so cool watching student after student face their fears and take that leap of faith falling safely into the arms of their peers. But what happens when your teammate drops you? How do you rebuild trust and ever take that risk again? 

What if We Get Dropped?
Rebuilding trust is a HUGE issue in our world today.  If we’re being honest, probably all of us have been hurt by someone before who broke our trust. Then how do we rebuild trust after someone has betrayed us or let us fall? Whether it be a spouse, child, parent, friend, coworker or boss, can we ever truly forgive someone who has literally or figuratively “dropped” us? And does forgiveness always mean we should trust them again? 

Every day, people walk into our doors at Rock Solid Families feeling angry and wounded because someone broke their trust. Some have been so hurt by the offense and have no idea where to begin. They want to experience peace and joy again, but instead feel chained by bitterness and unforgiveness. 

Forgiveness vs. Trust
Ideally, a relationship is restored when both partners forgive each other and themselves and trust again, but that’s easier said than done. At Rock Solid Families, one thing that has helped individuals and relationships heal is separating the decision to forgive from the concept of trust. 

You’ve probably heard the old adage about what happens to US, the offended, when we chose NOT to forgive our offender. “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison ourselves and waiting for the other person to die.” Bitterness and anger begin to grow when we harbor those negative feelings of unforgiveness. It eats US up from the inside out. 

Forgiveness is a decision we can make regardless of whether the person who hurt us is sorry for what they did or does anything to make amends. Forgiveness takes the control away from our offender and puts the power solely in our own hands. It is a decision that can set US free and bring US peace regardless, if the relationship is restored or not. 

Trust is a Two Way Street
Trust, on the other hand, is a two way street. Trust says I not only forgive you for dropping me, but I’m willing to try it again. Some would say that’s insane, but for others, the relationship is worth the risk. Maybe it's trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. Maybe, it’s with an adult child after they’ve been caught in addiction.  In order for the relationship to be restored in a healthy way, rebuilding trust is an essential next step. It isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight, but restoring trust is possible and can even make the relationship better and stronger if done right. 

Steps for the Offender to Rebuild Trust
Step One-Take Responsibility for the hurt you caused and admit your wrongs- This first step is so hard for the offender, because pride gets in the way. No one likes to admit they were wrong; let alone take responsibility for hurting someone else. 

Step Two-Be Patient with the Offended-If you have hurt someone, rebuilding trust is going to take time and as the offender, you don’t get to decide how long. The greater the offense, the longer it takes to rebuild trust.  

Step Three – Mean What you Say; Say what you mean. Make sure people can count on your word even with the little things. Don’t be surprised if it takes time for those around you to trust your word again. You’re the one who broke trust.

Step Four – Be Honest and Transparent. If you want to rebuild trust, you have to show the person you offended that you have nothing to hide. That may mean sharing passwords and your whereabouts and not getting defensive or angry when someone asks.

Step Five– Confess Promptly. No one’s perfect, so when you do mess up make sure you own it BEFORE you’re caught in it. As the Scottish novelist, George MacDonald once said, “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved”

Steps for the Offended in Trusting Again
Step One-Remember, no one is perfect including you, but also never forget God doesn’t make junk. Your worth and value come from a God who loves you and created you in His image not from anyone or anything. Search your heart and make sure you are not trying to hold your offender hostage through your unforgiveness. Remember, unforgiveness only hurts YOU. 

Step Two-Surround yourself with healthy, safe people. Seek wise counsel to help you work through the forgiveness process. Find someone neutral like a counselor or pastor who will help you sort out truth from lies.Get professional help if you have relationship wounds that are not healing right. 

Step Three-Step back and let the emotions settle before you make any decisions. Let your words be few. You don’t want to say or do something you will later regret. Don’t stoop to the level of your offender and seek revenge. Keep your character and integrity high. 

Step Four-Protect yourself from any kind of physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse. Forgiveness does not mean you become a martyr or victim. Trust may not be possible in the relationship if the offender does not own their mistakes and take the steps to rebuild trust.

Step Five-Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes two people and takes time. Be patient with yourself and learn to trust again.  Search your heart for any hurt or wrong you have caused in the relationship and own your part whenever possible. Extend grace to the offender if there is real effort being made to restore trust. As long as you’re breathing, there will always be a chance of getting hurt, so learn these skills of forgiveness and rebuilding trust now. It’s worth the effort. 

Emotional Healing is Possible
Don’t stay trapped or paralyzed by old memories or past hurts. Emotional healing is possible! We all need healthy people in our lives. We were not made to do life alone. Healthy relationships are worth fighting for.  When you can think back on the offense and not feel wounded anymore, you’re well on your way to true healing and lasting peace. 

Screens-The Modern Day Junk Food

I still remember the day it hit me.  I had just gotten married and moved into our first home. It was a late summer evening when I decided to go for a walk in my new neighborhood.  My husband wasn’t home at the time and as I walked alone in my new neighborhood, I remember thinking- “my mom would kill me if she knew I was out walking in the dark alone”. I still remember that glorious feeling though thinking to myself in that moment- “But, I’m an adult now, and I can do whatever I want.” 

Through the years, though, I’ve learned another important life lesson the hard way- just because we CAN doesn’t mean we SHOULD.  That’s the way I feel about the whole issue of screens.  As an adult, I have a love/hate relationship with screens whether it be my phone, laptop, or TV. In our non-profit marriage and family ministry, screens are a necessary evil for the work that we do connecting with families through email, texting, and social media. We share our message online everyday through our blogs, posts, and podcasts. Let’s face it-screens are here to stay, but is there a healthy way to manage them so that they don’t control us? At Rock Solid Families, we’d even go as far to say screens are not just controlling us, but in some cases destroying us?

Did you know that the average adult spends ELEVEN hours a day in front of a screen? That’s the general adult population average regardless of what they do for a living. Wow! Eleven hours of screens doesn’t leave much time for  much else before it’s time to call it a day and go to bed. What is that amount of screen time doing to our bodies, minds, and relationships? 

A LOT! 

As a pastoral counselor and life coach, I see the destructive consequences walking through our door every day. Look around you. You see it too. Couples sitting at the table day after day on their phones or in front of the TV only to wonder why later their spouse wants a divorce. Watching as folks in conflict verbally attack and assault one another because the only thing they have learned to interact with all day is a screen. Kids and adults who are used to getting answers at the touch of a button now too impatient to wait on anyone or anything. 

Screen time reminds me of my love/hate relationship with junk food. Oh, it can taste so good, but it can be so bad for you.  Both may be ok in moderation or special occasions, but if we don’t get it under control, both can do some serious damage. Yes, you are an adult and you can eat and do what you want, but how much junk food is too much?  I want to share with you some unhealthy screen habits we see, and the healthy alternatives we encourage and recommend at Rock Solid Families.  

Mental Health

Unhealthy: There is a significant association between TV/computer/phone usage and moderate/ severe levels of depression and anxiety. In this culture of 24/7 connections, we’ve never felt more isolated and alone and for some suicidal. It’s true for our children and teens and it holds true for adults as well. 

Healthy: Turn off the noise. Find someone to hold you accountable in setting a healthy screen time limit for you-yes even as an adult. Decide as a couple, family or with a close friend, what’s a healthy amount for you. The experts recommend no more than 2 hours of recreational use of screens. What are some sites you just shouldn’t go to or shows you shouldn’t watch? Talk this through with a professional if you need to. For some Snapchat is overwhelming and unnerving. For others, Facebook takes their mind to a bad place. Are there sites that trigger destructive habits or negative emotions for you? If so, turn it off, block the site if you have to and get someone to hold you accountable. You have got to give your mind some whitespace every day to dream, relax, and decompress. We’re not doing that on a regular basis and it’s taking a toll on our mental health. We can get wound so tight we are ready to snap.

Relationships

Unhealthy: Screens are replacing people when it comes to relationships. We’d rather sit home on our phone than go out with our spouse or friend. And when we do go out with them, we often end up “phubbing” them. Phubbing is where we snub those sitting in front of us for a phone. We are disconnecting from those around us whether it be the man standing behind you in the grocery line or the mom sitting next to you in the stands. Screens are stealing quality and quantity time away from those we love and care about. Our spouse, friends, and children are beginning to feel like whatever you are staring at whether it be Facebook or Fox News is more important than they are. Is that the message you want to send them?

Healthy: Make sure you build in at least 15 minutes everyday of uninterrupted face to face time with every person in your home. Turn the TV off, put down your phone, and look that person in the eyes to show them you care and are listening. It is like taking a daily temperature read of your relationship. Are you ok? Are we good? Doing this daily helps you from missing something important that they were waiting for you to ask about. 

Productivity

Unhealthy: Ask anyone how they are doing and the usual response is “Busy, so busy!” Why is that? I think it’s because of the hours of wasted time in front of screens. Think about it. We live in a generation with more gadgets and gizmos that make our life easier yet we are overwhelmed with the lack of time. 

Healthy: Do a little honest evaluation on your screen time. Keep track for a week the amount of time you sit in front of a computer, phone, or TV. How much of that time is mindless nothingness? Make a commitment now that you will replace some of that time with more productive, healthy tasks such as making dinner, taking a walk, or reading a book.

Physical Health

Unhealthy: Just like junk food, an unhealthy amount of screen time, can lead to some serious physical issues. Screens especially late at night are keeping our minds awake and “doped” up causing sleeplessness, migraines, obesity, high blood pressure, anxiety, addictions, back pain, eye strain, the list goes on and on. 

Healthy: Commit today to limit your screen time and watch your physical health improve. Turn off your notifications. Shut down the blue light from a computer or phone at least an hour before you go to sleep and charge your phone away from your bed. Set up some screen free zones such as the dinner table, bed, and car. Establish some screen free days where you unplug and unwind with no screens around. Every 20 minutes stand, stretch, and walk away from your computer or phone even if you work in front of a computer all day. Decide as a couple or a family-what is a healthy amount of screen time we should shoot for in our home. 

As we said before, just because we CAN doesn’t mean we SHOULD. Our friends and family are watching. What’s the message we are sending to them? The benefits of a healthy balance of screen time will have positive and lasting effects on anyone regardless of our age. It’s time, as adults, we lead the way and show others how it’s done.

New Life-The Story of Rob and Ale

Over the years, I have had the privilege of working with hundreds of amazing engaged couples as they prepare for their new life together. I have loved getting to know each and every one of them and seeing their relationship grow and strengthen. That’s been especially true for newlyweds, Rob and Ale. I’ll never forget the day the two walked into our Rock Solid Families office. You could tell they were giddy about their upcoming wedding, but there was a seriousness about them too. They REALLY wanted to get this right. They were ready to do the work.

During our premarital sessions, they learned how to better communicate and resolve conflict in stressful times. They learned the importance of budgeting and having common financial goals. They dreamed together about their future including starting a family and parenting children. Then we began to dig a little deeper into what Rob and Ale were going to build all this on. What kind of foundation did the two of them want for their new life together? 

The topic of spiritual beliefs was definitely an issue between this engaged couple.  Rob came from an awesome family who loved one another and loved God; they just weren’t church goers. Ale had been raised Catholic but had stopped going for a while. On her own, Ale had recently started to attend church again and wanted a strong common faith for her marriage. Together, we began to unpack the story of the Wise and Foolish Builders in Matthew 7:24-27. 

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

Rob and Ale walked down the aisle in June 2019 and started their new life together as husband and wife. They began attending church together as husband and wife and growing in their faith. In December 2019, the two of them walked down the aisle together again. This time to give their lives to Christ. Ale describes that moment as one she will never forget. Rob says “he felt something pulling him” to walk forward. Together, Rob and Ale decided to go ALL IN with their faith and lay a foundation of faith for their family that would be unshakable no matter the storm. 

You see, God’s word doesn’t promise us a storm free life, but he does offer us protection and refuge from the storms. That storm may be called infertility or infidelity. It may be cancer or COVID. Your marriage may be rocked by bankruptcy or betrayal, but God’s promises still stand. 

Rob and Ale are learning to trust each other completely just like they do God, because His love never fails! They both would tell you- it is so worth it. When you experience the unconditional love and grace of your Heavenly Father, you can’t help but give it away. They are building their family on the rock of Jesus Christ and just in the nick of time too, because their world is about to be rocked. The legacy of faith, family, and new life continues with the addition of Baby Bennison in March 2021. When I asked Ale what she wanted for her family, she immediately responded, “I can’t wait to bring him/her to church.” And so begins a new legacy of faith!

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. 
The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
2 Corinthians 5:17

Jake's Story

Have you ever heard the story about the prodigal son?  The wayward son took his inheritance and arrogance and went out to live his “best” life.  The results were disastrous - trouble, brokenness, isolation, anxiety, and depression. Hardly, what any of us would consider a “best” life, but here’s the great part.  When humbled, the son returns to his father who accepts him with open arms.  The love of the father and the restoration of one’s life is what we call grace!  

Sounds a lot like Jake’s story.  Jake is a young man who began dreaming of all the fun and excitement he could have by doing his own thing. In 7th grade, Jake began experimenting with alcohol and drugs.  His introduction to alcohol came through his friends’ older siblings.  He describes that time as boys just hanging out having fun.  He loved hanging out with those older guys and enjoyed the feeling of drinking and laughing with his buddies.  

Fast forward into 8th grade when Jake had the opportunity to experience marijuana for the first time. Jake describes his first-time as euphoric which led him to seek it out over and over again.  Jake’s marijuana use continued for years. When he got his driver’s license, his newfound freedom allowed him to get high almost daily.  During this time, Jake withdrew from almost all activities that used to be part of his life, which we know is a huge red flag.  Sports, family time, and school activities were replaced with hanging with friends that would smoke pot and working to buy more.

Jake has a soft heart and never wanted to hurt his family, but he could not escape the hold that euphoria had on him.  In order to keep the peace, his avoidance and manipulation grew in order to hide his “dark side”.  Jake became very sneaky and would use his charm to mislead others.  He was very good at telling everyone what they wanted to hear but then doing what he wanted to do.  As good as he thought he was, his mom knew something was going on. He would get caught and there would be consequences, but he would turn the blame on his mom, not himself. As a self-centered, arrogant young man, Jake only felt remorse for himself and would get angry about being caught.  Nonetheless, his mom continued to show Jake tough love not tolerating his self-destructive and illegal behaviors.  

Without working too hard at school and barely showing up, Jake was able to maintain a “B” average and graduate high school.  To Jake, his decent grades only fueled his deception and pursuit of his addiction.   Out of high school, Jake loved the life he was living and continued to enjoy the euphoric experience of drugs.  He began to experiment with psychedelics and the likes of mushrooms and such.  Jake knew he was taking his drug use to a deeper level, but he had fooled himself in thinking he could handle it. After all, he had graduated from high school while getting high every day.

All Good Things Must Come to An End

Two years ago, Jake hit a wall after a very bad situation with the law and found himself facing up to 15 years of prison time.  His mother continued to love Jake through his ordeal, but knew she couldn’t save him from the consequences of his actions. Facing the possibility of 15 years in prison, Jake began to realize the seriousness of his decisions and how his life would be forever different.  After his charm and sweet-talk fell on deaf ears, his attorney encouraged him to seek counseling and begin real-life change. This is when Jake reached out to Merrill Hutchinson and Rock Solid Families.   

Merrill, President of Rock Solid Families, was formerly Jake’s elementary school counselor.  When Jake reached out to Merrill, there was an instant connection and desire to help.  Jake came for his first session and began to reveal all of his years since Merrill had known him as an elementary school counselor.  Jake was painting a side of himself that Merrill had never seen.  Jake appeared remorseful and mostly scared. He had a great deal riding on this and knew that he needed to do everything possible to prove to the courts that he was actively seeking a new and changed life.  

Merrill’s approach to Jake was much like a coach.  Jake was expressing all the trouble he was in and what needed to happen in order for him to improve his chances with the courts prior to sentencing.  Merrill made it very clear that if Jake was just seeking out this help to get through the courts, then he really wasn’t interested in helping.  He was not going to enable Jake to continue to manipulate the system and people to get his way.  Merrill explained that this work would be intense and that Jake would be held accountable for his work of restoration.  Merrill explained that he would not write any letters to the courts appealing for anything less than the maximum sentence unless Jake had proven himself committed to the coaching work laid before him.  Jake agreed with Merrill’s approach and expectations and stated that it was time for him to make some serious changes with how he was living life.  

Jake began working on multiple fronts. He came in for weekly coaching sessions, did his homework in between, and even began to physically take care of himself.  He began working out in the Rock Solid Family gym and enjoying a more healthy approach to living.  

Merrill recognized how thoughtful Jake truly was.  His big heart and thoughtfulness began to show through and Merrill began to challenge him to use these traits for something greater.  Jake and Merrill had many conversations about God and the Bible.  Jake’s familiarity with the Bible was limited, but his desire to listen and learn about God was fresh.  Many sessions involved Jake and Merrill walking through passages of scripture, and how they could help Jake build a better life.  Among the most impactful awakenings, Jake had about himself was his heart for others. He first began to understand the depth of his mom’s love for him.  How she never gave up on him even when he hated the things she was saying or doing.  He realized how he was using and manipulating people only to satisfy his immediate selfish desires.  Jake’s life began to change for the better when he saw the teachings of Christ’s love and grace come alive around him.

Jake began to make statements like: “Your habits create who you are; it’s time for me to change my habits.”  “I used to spend my free time thinking about how and when I was going to get high.  Now I think about who I want to visit, and spending time with my family.” “I never even gave thought to my body and what I was eating or how I was exercising.  Now, I’m more conscious of eating right and adding exercise to my days. I’ve lost a ton of weight and stronger than I’ve ever been.”  “I used to hang out with risky people willing to do risky things.  Now, I hang out with people that build me up, or I can help build them up.”

The Return to Your Mother’s House   

Jake’s sentencing date finally came after being postponed several times.  But, these postponements ended up being a blessing as it gave Jake more time to continue his path of change.  When the judge looked at Jake’s work and the progress made, he made the decision to move Jake’s felony charge down to a misdemeanor.  His sentencing time went from 15 years in prison to 2 years of probation. Jake will be completing his two years of probation in a matter of months.  He has a fresh start on the horizon. 

Jake has been and continues to do the work of change.  Sober for nearly two years, he has recognized the ways of his past and owned the choices he made.  He now has a healthy relationship with his family and is attending college to get his Master’s degree in Social Work maintaining a 4.0 GPA.  He is now intentional about capturing those negative thoughts  BEFORE they get him in trouble.  He can see the bigger picture versus living in the moment to get high. Jake is busy working two jobs and using his money to pay for school and even learning to save for retirement.   

When asked what he would tell his 7th-grade self, this 22-year-old definitely had some things he wished he would have understood back then. For Jake, marijuana was a gateway drug.  The scariest thing was how much he enjoyed it even using the term “euphoric”. He couldn’t get enough of it, and it led to many other destructive things.  He wished he would have understood how his choices would have negatively impacted his life and the lives of his family.  He wished he had his high school years to do over, as he blew every opportunity to be involved in sports and other activities.  He hates to think of all the doors of opportunity that he shut on himself when it came to academics and college. He hates to think about how much money he lost because of the drugs and now defending himself in court.  

His maturity and humility have created a whole new way of life for Jake.  His understanding of personal responsibility and the need for Christ in his life have given Jake a fresh start. God is still writing Jake’s story, and we look forward to seeing Jake continue to grow and become the man God intended him to be.  Living with a purpose far greater and more meaningful than serving his own desires.

Running Free-Chase's Story

Two year old, Chase Brayton, got his name honestly. Anyone who knew Chase would say-he never stopped. He loved swimming in his backyard pool and running around the house naked as a jay bird. Chase loved having mommy, daddy, grandma, big sissy, Kenzie...anyone chase after him trying to put his clothes back on. He kept everyone hopping and laughing, which is why the house seems so eerily quiet these days.

It's been over a month now since Luke and Lauren tragically lost their 2 yr old son to a drowning accident in their backyard pool. Our hearts and prayers go out to the Brayton family in the loss of little Chase. There's no way anyone could prepare you for that gut wrenching experience especially as a parent. As Luke, Lauren, and big sissy, Kenzie began to grieve the death of Chase, they knew one thing for sure...they couldn't carry this burden alone.

Which is why two days after the accident, Luke and Lauren reached out to Rock Solid Families. They knew they couldn't weather this devastating storm on their own, and God has been with them every step of the way. Even during our very first meeting together, God was letting this young couple know-you are not alone. As we sat inside our St. Leon office talking about their incredible loss and God's eternal promises, a summer rain rolled in. As we finished up our session together and Luke and Lauren drove away that night, the rain had stopped and a beautiful double rainbow had appeared. It was as if God was reminding them right there in the midst of their pain, I am with you! In the past month, they have been overwhelmed by the love and support of family, friends, and total strangers. They have started attending church regularly together for the first time and finding love and encouragement from the Lord and His people.

What happened to Chase Brayton on July 2, 2020 is tragic and heartbreaking, but what God has done since has been nothing short of healing and redemptive for the Brayton family. That's the way God works when we put our trust in Him. Will there still be more tough days and months ahead? Absolutely, but Luke and Lauren are beginning to trust in God’s promises. He promises to bring beauty from ashes. He promises to bind up the brokenhearted. Listen to the way Isaiah writes it in Isaiah 61: 1-4:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and
release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Luke and Lauren continue to mourn the loss of their precious little one, but they do not grieve like those who have no hope. They trust in God's promise that they will see Chase again...probably running free waiting for someone to chase him.

Lean In and Look Up

"We are at the end of our 25 year rope. Can you help save our marriage?" Those were the words Jon and Anna used just one year ago when they reached out to Rock Solid Families for help. Even after twenty-five years of marriage and five children between the two of them, Jon and Anna felt consumed by past baggage and present life stressors. The storms of life were trying to take them under. When they came to Rock Solid Families in June 2019, they felt empty, bitter, and exhausted.

So many couples like Jon and Anna walk through the doors of Rock Solid Families every day ready to give up. Satan uses things like distraction, discouragement, and distorted thinking to destroy the lives of individuals, couples, and families. Satan tries to pull them away from the things that really matter through distractions like busyness or success? He has used the recent headlines of COVID, racial unrest, political division, economic depression to pull marriages and families under with fear and anger? The distortion of God’s absolute truth has been a very popular tactic of the enemy lately. Just look at the way the enemy’s lies have caused despair and chaos in our world today.

Jesus tells us how to weather these life storms in Matthew 7:24-27.

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.

What are you building your life and family on? Is it what society says is “true” and “good”? Are you basing your happiness on your own self serving motives and feelings? All those things are sinking sand. They can not hold you up when the storms of life hit. We’ve all experienced storms in life whether you call it infertility or infidelity. Maybe you’ve experienced the devastation of death or divorce. Whatever it looks like, you will always have storms hit your home. Then what?

For Jon and Anna today, they are in a much better place. They believe the Lord used Rock Solid Families and a ministry called Retrouvaille to save their marriage and equip them with the tools they needed to not just survive the storms but thrive during them. They have found community and accountability through Celebrate Recovery where they often share their story with other couples in crisis. Other couples have walked through our doors seeking help saying..."we are here because of Jon and Anna".

There is not one tear that God does not see and want to use for good. Jon and Anna's story reminds us of the hope and help found in God and God alone. They are a reminder of what happens when we lean in and look up. Jon and Anna had to be reminded, even after 25 years of marriage, that Satan is the enemy not their spouse. They have learned how to lean in and work together as one team. They have learned how to “mean what they say and say what they mean” in their communication, so that bitterness and resentment do not take root. They have learned how to truly listen to their partner, so that the other feels loved and heard.

Jon and Anna rebuilt their foundation from the ground up. Do they still have bad days? Sure. They are human, but it’s different this time. They have learned how to lean in and look up committing to each other and keeping their eyes fixed on the Lord. How about you? How can God use your pain and past for His glory? Maybe it's time to lean in and look up!

Battling the Coronavirus Blues

It was a beautiful sunny day last week when my husband grabbed our youngest son and took him for a drive. He had to run an errand and figured it would be a good way to get our 12 yr old out of the quarantined house and away from his two siblings. They were driving down the road with talk radio on listening to the latest information about the Coronavirus and it’s spread. I’m not sure how much my husband was really listening to, but it was enough for our son to say, “Dad, could we listen to something else? Sometimes this Corona stuff is just too much.” 

If we’re being honest, the latest news and updates on COVID-19 are not just too much for weary 12 yr olds; they can be too much for us adults too. At Rock Solid Families, we are seeing an influx of new and old clients call our office this past month or so struggling with this same feeling. It’s just too much for many people, and folks are struggling to find healthy ways to battle the “Coronavirus Blues”. So I wanted to share with you some concrete things you can do today to give you a better tomorrow regardless of what’s going on in the world around us.

1. Limit your exposure to the news and social media. Many of you have turned into Coronavirus junkies reading and listening to every news story and theory out there. It’s way too much. You know this but you still keep listening and scrolling. For that matter, anxiety and depression are directly connected to the amount of time you spend on ANY screen regardless of what you’re watching or reading. That means not binge watching that latest NETFLIX series or scrolling on your phone checking Facebook into the early morning hours. It’s not healthy for you on ANY day, let alone when you are trying to fight the Coronavirus Blues. This goes for our kiddos too. In our house, our TV does not go on until 8 pm when we sit down together to watch a family show, and our teens are limited to just a couple hours of screen time a day on their phones. They may not like it, but we know how critical it is for their mental health.

2. Take Care of Yourself. I know you’ve heard this before, but yet you keep ignoring the truth. Your emotional health is DIRECTLY tied to your physical well being. Mind, body, and spirit are all interconnected, so it’s critical, especially during these unsettling times, you get on a healthy routine of eating, sleeping, and exercising. I’m not saying you have to go out and run three marathons, but it does mean getting outside when you can walking or riding that bike that’s been sitting in the garage for six months. I hear folks say all the time. I know I’m depressed, but I don’t want to be on medicine. Great, then do the things that you have control over, so that maybe you don’t have to be. 

3. Connect in a positive way to others. We are relational beings and this time of quarantine and isolation has been tough on everyone especially us extroverts. Get creative and keep connecting in a positive way with those that lift you up, not pull you down. I have two groups of women that I have been video chatting with on a regular basis. It’s been so fun to catch up and laugh with old friends all over the country. We are making time to connect in ways that we didn’t make time for just months ago. I have also found more time to send those things called cards through this thing called the US Postal Service. It’s also been fun to Facetime our children and grandchildren more often passing the time laughing with them. Seize the moment to connect more with those important relationships that may have been neglected before the virus hit. 

4. Practice Kindness. It’s a known fact that serving and giving helps to combat the blues. When we take our eyes off of ourselves and focus on helping someone else, it blesses us. Someone did that to us just the other day in the Dunkin Donuts drive through. Someone paid for our order and my daughter immediately asked if we could “pay it backwards” to the person behind us. Maybe it’s sending a card to your hairdresser anxiously trying to keep their head above water. It doesn’t take a lot of money to practice kindness, and it definitely makes the world a better place.

5. Avoid Guilt or Comparison. Let’s face it. None of us have ever experienced anything like this in our lifetime and there’s no manual on how to navigate the Coronavirus perfectly. We are all trying to figure it out as we go and that includes the local and federal governments. So stop pointing fingers at someone else or even yourself for how things are going. Most likely you are NOT performing to your normal level at work or at home. That’s understandable. You’re trying to answer calls and get things down for work, while helping your children with E-Learning in the other room. You’re cleaning up lunch dishes and the kids are already asking “what’s for dinner”. You are trying to teach students through a screen instead of walking alongside them in your classroom. It’s not going to be the same, so stop comparing the way it used to be with your current reality.

6. Extend Grace. I love the title of Robin Robert’s recent book, Everybody’s Got Something. I have to agree with her. We don’t have a clue what’s going on in someone else’s life. This is why I believe, now more than ever, we have to be ready to extend grace to one another. Whether it be that grumpy grocery clerk who is risking her families’ health in order to put food on her table and yours. Or maybe it's that customer service agent struggling to troubleshoot your problem while he works at home with a toddler under his desk. Everybody reacts to stress differently too. You may be doing ok today, but your teenager who just lost her dreams of graduation and prom is not. Extend grace!

7. Don’t be Afraid To Reach Out for Help. If you’ve read through numbers 1-6 and are still feeling overwhelmed, please reach out for help. We have seen an uptick of folks call our office who have never needed help before, but these Coronavirus Blues are kicking their butt. Maybe you’re like our 12 yr old where if you were being honest… “It’s just too much”. Call a friend, family member, or pastor and let them know you’re struggling. Sometimes just sharing the load with someone who cares helps to lift its weight off your shoulders. If you don’t have that person in your life, or that hasn’t helped, give us a call at Rock Solid Families. If we can’t help you, we’ll connect you with someone who can. Maybe there is an issue with addiction or abuse in your home that has been magnified due to the stress of COVID-19. Please don’t ignore the problem. Get help today! 

The bottom line is this…there is HOPE and HELP available. Please don’t suffer in silence. You don’t have to battle the Coronavirus Blues alone. Call us at Rock Solid Families today at 812-576-ROCK or contact us through our website at rocksolidfamilies.org. Thanks to the generous support of our Rock Solid Partners, we are able to extend our coaching services FREE to anyone unable to pay during these unsettling times. No cost. No strings. Just someone to listen and help. If you’re reading this today, please know…we are praying for you!

Peace in the Storm

When you grow up in the Cincinnati Tri-State area, you get used to unpredictable weather. It can be sunny/70 degrees one day and rainy/40 degrees the next. You get used to the flood watches and tornado warnings coming across your phone or TV. They are just a part of living in the midwest. But if you’re my friend from Southern California, those warnings can be unnerving and bring on a lot of anxiety. I’ll never forget when Mary, a new friend from San Diego, experienced her first tornado warning in the Tri-State. She was in her car on a winding Indiana road when the tornado warning came across her car radio. She started to become anxious and panicked. She immediately pulled over to the side of the road and called me screaming, “What do I do?”

Let’s face it, I would have probably reacted the same way, if I were in Southern California during an earthquake or in Hawaii during a Tsunami warning. We can NEVER be prepared for every storm we will face in life. All of us, sometime or another, will face a storm in life that will catch us off guard and try to knock us off our feet. 

That was even true for Jesus’ disciples. The Bible tells of a time when they were in a boat with Jesus and began to panic when a storm suddenly blew in and began pounding their boat while out on the Sea of Galilee. Many of these men were even expert fishermen but yet were caught off guard at the sudden squall that beat against their boat nearly swamping it. (Mark 4:35-41)

Ever felt like that before? Ever felt like your boat was being swamped by the storm raging around you?  I’ve seen your recent Facebook posts. I’ve seen your Instagram feed. In this time of uncertainty, we are all trying to wrestle with this raging yet invisible storm of COVID-19. I’ll admit I’ve had my moments where the “what ifs” crept in my mind. I have never experienced a storm like this in my lifetime, and my guess is neither have you.  So it’s only natural to have some fear and anxiety about what’s going on in our world today. I’d have to check your pulse if you haven’t. But I don’t want to stay there, do you? I don’t want my fear to win. I don’t want my anxious thoughts to keep me from living the life God wants me to live and doing what he wants me to do. What if He has prepared and equipped us for “such a time as this”?

I’ve spent the last couple weeks really praying and meditating over this invisible storm our world is currently fighting against.  I have tried to listen more than I speak, asking God to give me peace and direction through His Word. And WOW, the Lord has delivered! I can’t explain it any other way but that His Word has nestled into my heart and mind and replaced all those anxious thoughts. His Word has come alive like never before. The Bible is filled with words that always bring me peace, but I wanted to share just a couple that have really taken away those anxious thoughts in the middle of this raging storm.

THIS BATTLE IS HIS - No doubt God is up to something big with COVID-19. He has got the world’s attention for a reason, and I trust in Him. I trust in His timing and His ways through this storm. The battle is the Lord’s and He will be victorious! I’m just His foot soldier trying to follow His marching orders. 

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. (Psalm 18:2)

Who is the King of glory?  The Lord, strong and mighty; the Lord, invincible in battle. (Psalm 24:8)

OUR JOB IS TO STAY FOCUSED ON THE MISSION - We can’t let our minds camp out on those anxious thoughts for very long. I don’t know about you, but they suck the life out of me. That fear brings chaos into my world where there doesn’t have to be chaos. Those anxious thoughts distract me from my mission to bring God glory through it all. You and I have got to quickly take all of that captive and refocus our eyes back on the Lord. That is when He will fight our battles for us.  

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:3-5)

HE’S OUR ANCHOR IN THE STORM - There is nothing that can blow us off course when Jesus Christ is the anchor for our soul.  That brings me great peace when the storm is raging. What is the anchor keeping you firm and secure through this storm?

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:19). 

EVERYTHING ELSE IS SINKING SAND - At Rock Solid Families, we have built an entire ministry on the Rock Solid Foundation of Jesus Christ. We have sat with countless individuals and couples who have put their trust in something that has failed them. They come to us feeling stuck and sometimes even hopeless not knowing where to turn or what to do next. Whether it be a spouse, a job, or our health….it all can be taken from us in a blink of an eye. None of those things make a very strong foundation to build our lives on. Jesus tried to share this truth in his parable of the wise and foolish builders. (Matthew 7:24-27) Don’t give your circumstances the power to dictate your peace. You can decide today what you’re going to build your life on.  Is it your job? Is it your health? Is it your net worth? As we have found in the middle of this crisis, all of those things can disappear in an instant. And then what? 

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”(Matthew 7:24-27)

HE’S WAITING FOR US - In the story I mentioned before in Luke 4, it was only when the disciples cried out to Jesus that He calmed the storm. I’m not saying that one simple prayer is going to end COVID-19, but I am saying that the Lord is waiting for us to reach out to Him. He sees the storm, and He’s in control. He knows what lies ahead, but He’s waiting for us to trust him. We can be in the middle of a raging storm like COVID-19 and still find comfort, strength, and peace in the solid rock of Jesus Christ. Use these difficult days as weights that exercise and strengthen your faith muscles.  

I don’t know where you’re at right now, but that’s how I have found peace in the middle of this storm. It’s not because I know what tomorrow brings and how all this ends, but because I know HE is the Rock I cling to in the middle of this storm. He is the unshakable foundation that can’t be moved or knocked down even by the biggest waves. Jesus Christ is what brings me peace, not my circumstances. If you don’t know this peace that calms even the wildest storm, call me. I’d love to walk alongside you and introduce you to Him.  His name is Jesus, and He’s been waiting for you. 

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. (Psalm 107:28-29)

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-38)

The Greatest Investment You Could Ever Make

There are not many folks who have lived in Bright, Indiana for any length of time that have not personally met or heard of the name, Jesse Smith. Jesse was just one of those special people you never forget. He was such a loving and faithful man of God who took a chance on this girl and hired her for full time ministry over 20 years ago. He was my elder, mentor and friend and at the age of 91 received his eternal reward on January 17, 2020.  As I looked around the room before Jesse’s funeral at Bright Christian Church where he worshipped for over 82 years, I couldn’t help but think about the legacy he left behind. There was a massive crowd of family and friends there to celebrate a life well-lived. Jesse Smith understood this counter cultural way of living that I want to propose to you today. In God’s eyes, he was a very rich man!

Let’s face it, there are so many things in life that compete for your time, attention, and resources. In this 24/7 digital age, you can be bombarded from all sides and quickly overwhelmed. Whether it’s your phone that’s vibrating in your pocket day and night to the constant feed of fake news on social media. It becomes harder and harder to filter out the good from the bad. For many, all these things become just “noise”. We see individuals, couples, and families every week in our Rock Solid Families office that are having a hard time navigating through it all and discerning what is worth their time and attention and what is not. Many folks become overwhelmed, shut down and even turn on each other due to the stress of all the “noise”.

So where do YOU spend your valuable resources?  The world today would say financial investments are the most important ones you can make, but the reality is they are the least. Could I suggest that the best investment of your time, talents, and treasures are NOT Facebook or your 401K? So what is the “best bang for your buck” when it comes to your time, energy, and resources? I believe it’s relationships! I think my mentor and friend, Jesse Smith, would agree with me when I say the best bang for your buck is first an eternal investment. Jesus Christ needs to come first, then your spouse, then family, then others. Jesse and his wife, Jeanie, had been married 72 years when he passed this past January. When you looked around the room at his funeral and the crowd of family and friends from all over the country and of all ages, no doubt, Jesse Smith was a rich man!

In this digital world we live in today, we have lost that investment of human connection. Families are disconnecting, marriages are crumbling, friendships are starving, and our personal mental health is suffering. Suicide is now the second leading cause of death for those between the age of 10-24. Why? This should be the prime of their life? Research is clear. In an age where we seem so “connected”, we are feeling more disconnected and isolated than ever. At Jesse’s funeral, people got up and spoke about his strong handshake and loving hugs and fistbumps. They talked about the 1000 love notes he would write to his church family every February during “love month”. They talked about his steadfast faith in Jesus Christ. Jesse understood that the key to a happy, rich life was investing in relationships both with the Lord and with others. 

So what can we do TODAY to help build a healthier tomorrow for ourselves and our family? Our community? Or world?  There are some simple things we all can do that don’t require a lot of money or any special talents. 

LOOK UP. Turn off your phone in the waiting room or in line and look around you. Who is sitting alone? Who looks like they could use a smile or a kind word? It doesn’t take much time but that could make a huge difference in someone’s life. You never know what they are going through and how your smile and a kind word could make a difference. Often it’s someone in your own home who is craving this face to face connection with you. Maybe it’s your son who wants you to put down the phone and shoot hoops with him. Maybe it's your mom who would love for you to take the air pods out of your ears and ask about her day. Look up and look around. 

SLOW DOWN. When is the last time you stepped away from your desk and went to lunch with your coworkers? How about the last time you called an old friend and checked in on them? Could you slow down long enough to open the door for someone or let someone go ahead of you in grocery line? So many people, including myself at times, use the word “BUSY” as a badge of honor. You know what I’m talking about…”Linda, I can’t slow down and do those things. I am soooo BUSY!” It’s time we slow down and take our “busy badges” off. As a family, we have overscheduled our kids and ourselves so tightly, we don’t even have the time to sit down at the kitchen table and share a meal. We’re missing out on the greatest time of the day to connect as a family. Make it a rule that there are NO phones or other screens at the table. I’m sure all of us have seen families out at a restaurant with everyone looking down at their phone or at a TV screen on a wall. Why bother even eating together? Spend that time engaging and reconnecting. Ask about each other’s day. What were the highs? What were the lows?

 REACH OUT.  How about sending an old fashioned birthday card to a family member or a sympathy card to a neighbor who just lost their spouse? You know those things you put stamps on and put in the mail. If you’re married, spend at least 15 minutes every day in face to face dialogue. If you have little ones, it’s important that your kids know how important this “mom and dad time” is.  Take that initiative to reconnect and recalibrate your relationship. Help your spouse feel like the most important person in your world. Both the dinner table and couple dialogue are tools you can use to read the temperature of your family and your marriage. In today’s digital age we are losing those skills. We’re too busy with our heads down in a screen. We’ve lost that human connection. 

INVEST IN. Who is God calling you to invest in? Want to know what I believe is the greatest investment of time and energy you could ever make? Want to know what will give you an EXPONENTIAL return on your investment? Investing in the life of a child. Before you give me your excuse as to why you can’t...let me clarify. Everyone, regardless of how old you are or how much time or money you have, can do SOMETHING. We are all called to do SOMETHING.  When we adopted our three youngest four years ago, my husband and I were so thankful for the many other men and women God placed in their life to encourage them and help them grow. It has been amazing to watch the connections they have made with their new aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, coaches, teachers, youth group leaders, neighbors, you name it. God has used each one of them to pour into their lives. 

So look around you? Who could YOU reach out to and invest in today? Is it another adult or maybe a child? Did you know there are over 9,000 children just in Indiana alone that are currently in foster care with many of those waiting for a forever home? Maybe foster care or adoption isn’t for you. What about giving a few hours a week as a Big Brother or Sister? There are hundreds of kids in the Greater Cincinnati waiting to be matched with a mentor. Maybe you could be the voice for a child in need and serve as a local Child Advocate. What about loving on babies in your church’s nursery or volunteering to coach a neighborhood t-ball team? 

In their 72 years of marriage, Jesse and Jeanie Smith mentored and encouraged thousands of others by investing in people using their time, talents, and treasures. That’s why at the age of 91, Bright Christian Church was packed with four generations of family and friends there to honor Jesse Smith and celebrate a life well lived.  Jesse understood the secret to a happy, full life. He knew that investing in things that are intangible and eternal like relationships may seem counter cultural to the world today, but they will definitely bring the greatest rewards.