When Comfortable Becomes Painful

As I write this article, it is a windy and rainy thirty-five degree afternoon. Earlier today, I was driving up the interstate thinking to myself, “today would be a perfect day to find a recliner and take a long nap.”  You have to admit; days like these just have the couch screaming your name. Sometimes, there is nothing better than being warm and comfortable with no immediate responsibilities. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? 

But what if there was such a thing as getting TOO comfortable!  On the surface, comfort seems like a legitimate and worthy goal.  After all, many of us work in order to make our lives more comfortable. The house we buy. The car we drive. The food we eat.  The clothes we wear, and the list goes on and on. Often, we can become so motivated to secure our comforts that we lose sight of a greater purpose in life. 

How can comfort lead us to pain?  This seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?  Isn’t comfort the absence of pain? I don’t know about you, but when my back is aching it’s pretty tough for me to get very comfortable. It’s not that comfort creates pain, but rather, comfort often leads to complacency which leads to pain.  It is in our complacency that we begin to find ourselves letting life pass us by. We become so comfortable that we don’t want to take the next risk. We’re afraid to challenge ourselves to do something that is difficult even though it may lead to greater rewards.  

We all seek a level of comfort.  Comfort allows us to rest, rejuvenate, and replenish our resources.  Comfort is like the “rest day” from the gym. Research shows that the rest day is just as important as the work day when it comes to being fit and getting stronger. The rest day allows the body to rebuild after being broken down.  It provides the opportunity for your energy levels to be restored. Rest provides a mental freshness and gives you the boost to go out and live another day! Comfort is important just as rest is important, however, we also know that too much rest can make us weak and frail.  If we have too much rest, we lose the ability to function physically and mentally as sharply as we are capable. Excessive rest leads to deterioration of the body. “If you don’t use it, you lose it!” This isn’t anything new. This is information that has been scientifically researched and verified for many years.  

“When comfort is the end goal, it actually becomes a trap.”

— Merrill Hutchinson

Comfort that leads to complacency also leads to deterioration-deterioration of a quality of life that we were capable of. Complacency prevents us from living our lives to its fullest potential.   When comfort is the end goal, it actually becomes a trap.  Living a life of passion and purpose means we will often be pulled into periods of discomfort.  If your goal is comfort, taking risks and setting big goals are usually not something you seek out. Risk, by its very nature, means you are subjecting yourself to discomfort. The important part that we often lose sight of is the correlation between risk and reward. Yes, risk may lead me into discomfort, but, if it is approached with a greater reward in mind, then it may become worth the risk.  Let’s be clear, this is not about making impulsive decisions based on our current mood or feelings. If the discomfort is going to be endless or downright damaging, then the risk may not be worth it. I say “may not”, only because we have seen many military and first responders take a risk that took their life or left them with permanent damage. I would argue that they fully believed that the risk they took was worth it. Thank God for their willingness and courage to walk away from comfort!     

What motivates you?  What is your purpose?  What are your gifts and talents?  If comfort is your top priority then I can guarantee you are on the fast track to complacency.  You will soon lack motivation, purpose, and the development and use of your gifts and talents. The end result is living a life of “what could have been”.  

Getting a little uncomfortable is what helps create the drive to move forward and live a life of no regrets.  My dad had a regular saying that he barked out to us kids as we were growing up. “Do something, even if it’s wrong!” These have been incredible words to live by as they have helped to create a meaningful and adventurous life.  My dad’s point was that you need to get ready to make mistakes, get uncomfortable, and get a little dirty in this thing called life. You will never know what could have been, if you are not willing to try.  

So, what does this type of pain look like when we get complacent, and how is it harmful? Often, it is not physical in nature.  Rather, it usually manifests itself as emotional or relational pain or in other words, a feeling of regret! It’s those unfulfilled dreams and unresolved problems we never tackled or pursued. This is where we see older folks begin to reflect on what could have been as they enter into the winter season of life.  I often think about the difference between a grumpy and happy old man. We all know older folks that fall into both camps. What’s behind their mindset?  

I believe a happy old man is one that believes his life has been rich and full of purpose.  He has lived a full life using his gifts and talents making a positive impact on this world.  On the other hand, I believe the grumpy old man is one who sees his life as a series of missed opportunities.  Often, he feels stuck with no way for life to get any better. Complacency has a terrible way of stealing your joy and taking away your fight. 

The grumpy old man is in terrible pain-pain in the realization that this is all his life has amounted to.  This emptiness is among the most painful things a person can endure. No body desires to live a meaningless life.  But when you evaluate your life in its later stages and cannot draw meaning and value from the way you have lived, you are left to think, “Is this all there is?”

A meaningful life well lived is one that often puts you in the cross hairs of discomfort and sacrifice. It is one that sometimes puts comfort at a distance. It allows for an itch that must be scratched.  It takes a willingness to make a few mistakes and get a little uncomfortable.  Are you on the road to being a grumpy old man or a happy one? The choice is yours to make. Make today the day you get out of your comfort zone and on the road to no regrets!

To hear more on this subject, check out Merrill and Linda’s recent podcast on Rock Solid Radio. Rock Solid Radio is also available on Spotify, IHeart Radio, Apple and Google Podcasts.

Help! Strong Dads Needed!

Have you ever seen someone stuck trying to solve a problem and from a distance you knew exactly what the solution to the problem was?  You think to yourself, “come on man, all you have to do is ...” The solution is crystal clear in your mind and it drives you crazy that the person you are watching can’t seem to see it.I didn’t say the solution would be an easy process;  I just said the solution is clear. This is where we get things messed up. We often want solutions to be obvious and easy.  The reality is that sometimes the solution is obvious, but the implementation is difficult.  

In this past year of running Rock Solid Families and the 20 years before that working as a school counselor, this is exactly how I feel about the many societal ills we face as a nation.  Whether we are talking about crime rates, homelessness, poverty, drug abuse, lack of civility, mass shootings, etc. The one common factor is broken families, and to drill a little deeper, lack of Strong Dads! The statistics are overwhelming! 

Poverty – Children living in female headed families with no spouse present had a poverty rate of 47.6 percent, over 4 times the rate in married-couple families. (Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2011, Table C8. Washington D.C.: 2011.)

Drug and Alcohol Abuse – Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse.    (Source:U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

Education – 71% of high school dropouts are fatherless; fatherless children have more trouble academically, scoring poorly on tests of reading, mathematics, and thinking skills; children from father-absent homes are more likely to be truant from school, more likely to be excluded from school, more likely to leave school at age 16, and less likely to attain academic and professional qualifications in adulthood.      (Source: Edward Kruk, Ph.D., “The Vital Importance of Paternal Presence in Children’s Lives.” May 23, 2012.)

Crime -  A 1% increase in the proportion of single-parent families in a neighborhood is associated with a 3% increase in an adolescent’s level of violence.    (Source: Knoester, C., & Hayne, D.A. (2005). “Community context, social integration into family, and youth violence.” Journal of Marriage and Family 67, 767-780.)

Sexual Activity – Being raised by a single mother raises the risk of teen pregnancy, marrying with less than a high school degree, and forming a marriage where both partners have less than a high school degree.  (Source: Teachman, Jay D. “The Childhood Living Arrangements of Children and the Characteristics of Their Marriages.” Journal of Family Issues 25 (January 2004): 86-111.)

The solution is right in front of our faces.  In fact, if you are a man, you can look directly in the mirror and the solution will look right back at you. It is time to stop ignoring the “elephant in the room”, We need our dads to step up and do their job!  

 At Rock Solid Families, this is a primary area that we focus our efforts toward.  We are working hard to shine the light on the necessity for our men to step up and be the fathers they have been called to be.  Yes, the solution is easy, but the work is hard! Being a Strong Dad takes sacrifice, commitment, perseverance, and unwavering faith in the mission of fatherhood.  It means doing things that we don’t always want to do. It means giving time, money, effort, and our heart to something other than ourselves. 

 In an article written by David Peach, 11 Qualities of a Christian Father, David list 11 things that a father needs to be or do in order to positively impact their family and the generations to come:

1. Love God - living for your creator and recognizing that you didn’t create yourself, but were created with gifts for a purpose to serve

2. Love Others - demonstrate love through your willingness to sacrifice for others

3. Be a Mentor - understand your responsibility to coach, teach, and lead

4. Be Patient - learn to take a deep breath and step away

5. Be a Good Worker - show your family what a good work ethic is through your actions

6. Be Self Controlled - understand your emotions and keep them appropriate and healthy

7. Be Sober - avoid overuse of drugs and alcohol

8. Be Blameless - own your wrong doings

9. Be Worthy of Respect - your actions matter

10. Not a Lover of Money - understand the purpose and value of money 

11. Understand and Practice the Fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

How are you doing in these areas?  I know I struggle, but that struggle is with my selfish human nature and desires.  Understanding this is our first step to growing as a Strong Dad!

 If you are a father or plan to be one, I challenge you to take a good look at the men you have had in your life.  Emulate the ones that were positive and challenged you to be a great man. Learn from the ones that tore you down and make a promise to yourself and your family that you will not do this to your children. 

 If you have not been the father you know you need to be or are feeling convicted by this article, turn that conviction toward a positive change.  Start by making a commitment to your family. Make apologies and begin the healing and rebuilding process. Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild.  If you have not been trustworthy in the past, don’t expect that everyone will begin trusting you the minute you tell them you are a newly committed father.  Trust is developed by actions, not words. Show your family that you are the father and leader of your home. Be the man God called you to be and your family needs you to be.  Die to your selfish boyhood self and rise as the STRONG DAD positively impacting generations to come!  

 I challenge you to listen in to our weekly podcast called Strong Dads and follow us on this journey as iron sharpens iron. We don’t claim to have all the answers,but we trust in the One who does, Our Heavenly Father. You can listen to all our episodes by searching “Strong Dads” on Spotify, IHeart Radio, Apple Podcasts, or on our website rocksolidfamilies.org/podcasts.  If you or someone you know needs help or more information on how to be a Strong Dad, contact Rock Solid Families at 812-576-7625 or contact us through our website rocksolidfamilies.org.

The Lies of Divorce

Whether you grew up with divorced parents, or you yourself experienced the pain of divorce as an adult; we understand divorce is a reality for many families today. But what if there was a better way? What if you could save you and your family from a lot of heartache? My goal in this article is not to judge or condemn anyone, but instead it is to speak truth into some common misconceptions surrounding divorce. This list is by no means exhaustive and I could write a book on each one, but my hope is to shine light on some of the lies that are destroying our families today.

Lie #1- “It’s Their Fault!”  It’s so easy to shift blame in our world today, but let’s be honest about this one. The faster we acknowledge that we bear some of the responsibility for our struggling marriage, the better. It’s time you and I stop being the victim and start taking responsibility for our own actions and reactions and commit to working on our own stuff.  It’s also important to call out who the real enemy is in a marriage under attack. I work with men and women all the time who have this intense hatred for their spouse or their parents for what happened to their family. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage by now, “Unforgiveness is like YOU drinking poison and waiting for THEM to die”. No one ever goes into a marriage expecting to divorce, but it is the goal of Satan and he loves it if he can bind you in hate and unforgiveness. That’s why he’s called the “deceiver”.

Lie #2- “I Deserve to Be Happy!” Says WHO? If we followed this line of thinking, we could justify about any immature or selfish decision this side of the Rocky Mountains. We are living in a 24/7 instant gratification culture where our cravings can be satisfied in a second. I can shop online at Amazon and have it delivered same day to my door, while watching my favorite show on Netflix anytime I want after going to my favorite 24 hr Dunkin for a donut and big ice tea. Who am I kidding?  I can even have Door Dash do that now. I don’t even have to leave my house. You get my point. Stop believing the lie that it’s all about your happiness today. What if God’s plan is to use a difficult relationship in your life to grow or bless you in a way that you can’t even imagine or see right now? There could be something so much more for you and maybe even for your marriage on the other side of this storm if you lean in and look up instead of walking out. That’s the power of the Holy Spirit I’ve seen working in couples who have gotten help and committed to weathering the storm together.

Lie #3-“The kids are better off, if we get a divorce.” I hear it from wounded parents on a regular basis who feel like divorce is the best way to protect their children from the same pain. In many families, the kids are in the center of a war zone getting hit from both sides. They are often pawns used by parents to manipulate, coerce, or punish their spouse. Can I just tell you, the best gift you can give your child is to model how two broken people in a messed-up world find hope, healing, and unconditional love. Does it sound too pie in the sky for you? It is, if you’re trying to do it alone. But that’s where a really big God comes in. Before you sign those divorce papers or take your ex to court, take some time to get wise biblical counsel. Sit down with a trained Christian professional who can walk you and your spouse through the process of reconciliation and maybe even restoration.  

I realize there will be some who will read this who are in dangerous situations of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. In those cases, of course, you need to keep you and your kids safe and physically remove yourself from that environment. Take the time to seek professional help so that you know how to best help you and your children through this trauma. Don’t make any rash or big decisions in the heat of intense emotion. Nothing good comes out of that. 

Lie #4- “Another relationship will take the pain away.” I see struggling married couples all the time jumping out of one difficult relationship and right into another. Sometimes even before the papers are served or the ink has dried. Can I just be totally transparent with you? That’s a really BAD idea!! There’s no way to sugar coat the baggage you drag with you from the failed marriage right into your new relationship. The hurts, the insecurities, the triggers, the lies...you bring it ALL with you and there’s no amount of sweet words and pretty flowers that can heal those wounds for you quickly. As a matter of fact, experts tell us that divorced men and women should give themselves three years before entering into another serious relationship. Yep, that’s what the experts say...three years! Trust me, you will be glad you gave yourself that time to heal your heart right and deal with the junk in your own trunk!

Lie #5-“I know what you’re going through, I’ve been divorced.” The temptation to compare is never ending and exhausting. Whether it’s a chat with a friend or looking at someone’s pictures on Facebook, comparing your life with someone else’s is a trap with no winners. Every marriage is unique, and there is no one cookie cutter answer for every difficult relationship. I’m not going to pretend I have walked in your shoes, and I definitely don’t want to minimize the difficulty you are going through right now. But please don’t look around and compare your deepest struggles with someone else’s highlight real.  Lean in, look up, and trust in the promise that God has got a better plan for this storm you are in.

Don’t know how to lean in and look up? Contact us at rocksolidfamilies.org. We’d love to walk through this storm with you and help you get to the blessings and hope waiting for you on the other side!

What Does Your Family Stand For?

Remember the old song by John Mellencamp called “You’ve Got to Stand for Somethin’”?

If not, I encourage you to look it up. I know I’m showing my age, but good music is good no matter how old you are. Good lessons are good no matter how old as well. Mellencamp brings to light the importance of standing up for what we believe is important. I want to take this idea and apply it to families and parenting.  What do you as a parent stand for? What does your family stand for? Do your kids know what your family values? These questions are so incredibly important to ask as a parent but are often not even on a parent’s radar not to mention their kids. 

Why are these questions so important? For the same reason that Mellencamp gives in his song, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’re going to fall for anything.”That’s exactly what we are seeing all across our country today- people falling for anything! As a parent, this can be so costly for the family. It’s costly when the things we fall for are not healthy for our family or downright harmful. So if that’s the case, why are we falling for so many things we know can hurt us? At the risk of stepping on people’s toes, let’s face it, we are suckers for instant gratification. “If it feels good, do it!” “I deserve to be happy!” “It’s all about MY comfort!” Should I go on? What’s worse is that in this 24/7 digital age, marketing agencies and social media platforms understand exactly what appeals to our desires. The packaging is shiny and flashy. The bold print screams, “You Need Me”! “You deserve it”!

I’m as bad as anyone out there. I can rationalize nearly every decision I make. I make up excuses and then make deals with myself to soften the guilt. You know what I mean, you’re guilty just like me. We eat the chocolate cake but tell ourselves that we will run a couple of extra miles tomorrow to burn it off. That’s a bold-faced lie! So, how do I help myself and my family from being swept up by what feels good in the moment or the latest and greatest temptations? Let’s first ask ourselves some questions. What do you stand for and why? Is your decision to stand for something based on a solid foundation or is it based on feelings, opinions, fleshly desires? Are there alot of exceptions or gray areas? Is your stance easily persuaded to change? Do you sometimes describe yourself as a “go with the flow” kind of person?

Sure, there are many decisions in life that are not that important in the grand scheme of things: the color of your shoes, the genre of music you listen to, wheat or rye bread. Who cares, right, but there are plenty of things that do matter. Not only do they matter today, but they mattered yesterday and they will matter tomorrow. Do you stand for integrity? Doing the right thing, even when nobody’s watching. Do you stand for the golden rule? Treating others the way you want to be treated. Do you stand for unconditional love? Loving even when someone is acting unloveable. Do you stand behind your word where your yes means yes, and no means no? Do you stand behind your day’s work? An honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. Do you stand on the truth that we were all wonderfully and uniquely created by a loving God? “For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13 NIV) These are the unshakeable things to build your life and your home on.

At Rock Solid Families, my wife and I see day after day what happens when couples and families operate without a solid foundation. Doing what “feels” right in the moment or what would satisfy a more immediate desire does not always mean long term happiness or peace. It often comes at the cost of hurting others, breaking trust, losing integrity, breaking up families, and broken communities. As parents, we can not hide our family in a cave or protect our kids from every little challenge, but we can help build them to be strong in character. We can help develop in our children a foundation of strong morals and values for things that mattered yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

I challenge you to be more mindful in your home about taking a stand on the things that matter. I encourage you to stress these virtues on a daily basis with your kids. Don’t leave this matter to chance or public opinion. Just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t necessarily make it right. We have seen this and continue to see it every day in the world around us. Give your kids the courage and strength to stand strong and know why and what they are standing for. That doesn’t guarantee an easy life full of pleasure-seeking and fun. But it does help to ensure a person of principle that will positively impact generations to come. Remember, If you don’t stand for something, you’re going to fall for anything. Don’t let it be the fall of your family.

Slow Fade in Marriage

I was shocked when one of my key volunteers called early on a Sunday morning crying, “Linda, we need help. Our marriage is in crisis. I don’t know what to do”. What? I must have heard her wrong. Doug and Lisa appeared to be this strong, Christian couple who had been married for 12 years with 5 healthy and happy children. No way! 

We scheduled an appointment that same week and began to slowly uncover what I see as one of the most silent but deadly killers of marriages today; it’s what I call -the SLOW FADE. 

Unfortunately, Doug and Lisa’s story is not an uncommon one, especially for young and busy families.  Lisa admits she had put kids and activities above her relationship with Doug. Doug, on the other hand, had slowly drifted away from his wife no longer feeling like a priority in his home. While feeling distant from his wife, Doug found someone at work who was willing to listen and give him the time and attention he was desperately craving. Young couples aren’t the only victims of the slow fade. I’ve seen it destroy just as many or more “seasoned” couples too with 20-30 years under their belt. This is why I believe the SLOW FADE is one of the greatest epidemics plaguing marriages today. 

In the 1960s, Charles Hummel published a little booklet called Tyranny of the Urgent, which quickly became a must read for many professionals.  In it, Hummel argues that there is a regular tension between things that appear urgent and things that are important—and far too often, the urgent wins. I see the same tension destroying homes and families today. We have allowed the urgent to slowly push out what’s really important for a healthy and strong life-things like faith, family and personal wellness. 

You go through the McDonald’s drive-thru day after day eating in your car on the way to appointments or kids events instead of eating healthy meals at home as a family.  Couples trade date nights for kids’ soccer tournaments week after week complaining about how they never have any time together. But then after a while, they stop complaining and give up even trying. That’s the slow fade we’re talking about.

Your spouse just walked in the door from work while you’re getting a call or text from a friend.  We have allowed the world to have 24 hour access to us through things like texts, calls, notifications all while the most important people in the room are feeling...well, not that important. 

Sometimes, what appears to be urgent is happening right in our own home. Let’s face it, kids can make anything look like a crisis.  You know what I’m talking about. Your son can’t find his shoes and he’s screaming YOUR name for the hundredth time while you’re in the bathroom. Or your daughter “needs” to go to the mall TONIGHT because next week she needs a black tshirt for her concert. 

It’s rarely mean or malicious but over time, there is this slow fade. It’s an unconscious drift that happens when couples don’t prioritize and fight for what’s important. 

Here are some warning signs that your marriage may be in a slow fade…

1. Physical intimacy is little to non-existent and it’s not because of a physical condition or ailment. Are you sleeping in separate beds? Are you always too tired or too busy to be sexually intimate with your spouse? What’s going on? Is there a physical issue that needs to be addressed? Is there someone else who has captured the heart of your spouse so he/she no longer has any desire to be with you physically. Lean in to your spouse and work on a plan to rekindle the physical intimacy between the two of you.

2. Emotional Intimacy is waning. You’re not dreaming together anymore. You don’t feel like you can be authentic or vulnerable with your spouse. He or she won’t sit down and open up about what’s going on inside. Is there someone else outside your marriage who you ARE having those kind of conversations with? That’s a slippery slope if it’s someone of the opposite sex. Acknowledge that is NOT healthy and open up to your partner about your needs. 

3. Spiritual Intimacy is non existent. It’s tough to pull away from your spouse when God is at the center of the relationship. Less than 1% of couples who pray together on a regular basis divorce. Working in the church for 20 years, it was not uncommon for couples in a slow fade to fall off the radar and disappear. Kids stop coming to sunday school. Mom and dad stop going to church or drop out of their small group. It was the start of an ugly downhill slide for their family. Don’t let that happen if you are involved in a church. It’s a red flag of something deeper going on. 

4. Misplaced priorities-Put the big rocks in first. God, spouse, children in that order...and the others will fall in place naturally after that. If you or your partner continuously put other things or people ahead of those big rocks, danger, danger...you’re in a slow fade.

5. Unrealistic expectations or petty arguments-Are you and your spouse constantly fighting over silly things like socks on the floor or dishes in the sink??...can I just tell you.  It’s not about the dishes. There are some deeper issues looming. Maybe your spouse is hoping you’ll lean in and ask what’s really wrong. Or maybe you’re afraid to say anything because it will just lead to a blow up.

6. Shut Down Mode-This is probably one of the most dangerous red flags of the slow fade...the shut down mode. You’re getting nothing...no physical intimacy, no emotional intimacy, no spiritual intimacy...there’s not even any arguments. You and your spouse haven’t argued in years, because you haven’t really had a real conversation in years.  GET HELP TODAY! That’s not a marriage-that’s a roommate. You may be thinking your marriage is a nine out of 10 because you never fight but your partner is at a one. He or she has already checked out and maybe even checked in with someone else. 

If you or your spouse feel like you are in that SLOW FADE we described above, do what Doug and Lisa did. Get some help today. They are celebrating 22 years this year because of what God did in that difficult season 10 years ago. They are grateful to him for saving their marriage and have seen God use their story many times to bring others hope. Talk to your priest or pastor. Reach out to a professional Christian counselor. Contact us at rocksolidfamilies.org. Don’t keep brushing those feelings of emptiness and despair under the rug. Just as Satan can use those feelings to destroy your relationship with your spouse, God can use those SAME feelings to bring your relationship to a new and better level. I’ve seen it happen. Trust me; there is hope! You don’t have to settle for the status quo and think that’s all there is. But the answer is not in another man or woman. The answer is not working more or shutting down. The answer is looking up, leaning in and getting the help you need to have a healthy and strong marriage maybe even for the first time.

Is My Child "Gifted"?

As we prepare for the start of another school year, we wanted to take some time to touch on a question many parents will be asking their teachers and administration this coming school year. Is My Child “Gifted”?  At Rock Solid Families, we believe that’s a really loaded question to ask that first needs some clarification. The term “gifted” has created so much confusion and sparked so many conversations within our families and schools today.  As with many ideas in education, the same condition we’ve seen in kids for years often gets assigned a new name or terminology. A term that was used to describe a particular behavior or trait 40 years ago may now seem insensitive or even ignorant today.  Initially, it may have been fine, but overuse and misuse of certain terms start to create a negative connotation. Eventually, people want to distance themselves from certain titles or labels and eventually it gets replaced with a new term. 

In my 20 years as an elementary school counselor, I saw the word “gifted” as one of those terms. The difficulty with the term “gifted” is that it is not a “one-size-fits-all” label.  There is not a single test or screener that automatically determines a child to be gifted. This is why things can get really messy. A child could be gifted at math, science, reading, art, athletics, social interaction, speaking, etc..  What’s even more confusing is that a child may appear to be performing significantly high in one area but is nearly non-functional in another. I’m sure we’ve all seen a person that is amazing at math or science but is nearly paralyzed when it comes to social interaction.  Or how about the person that is musically head and shoulders above the crowd, but has a difficult time balancing their checkbook? This imbalance creates lots of confusion to the people they interact with as well as the person identified as “gifted”.  

Because identifying gifted and talented students is a touchy subject with many parents and school officials, I want to be very careful about sharing what I have learned from my 32 years of experience in the school setting.  My experience with this “gifted” label also hits close to home, which is why I’d like to share a little bit of our own family’s story.  

When our oldest son was in second grade, our school began a process of testing, screening, and interviewing students for qualification into the school’s gifted and talented program.  As the new counselor in the school building, I was just learning about what this process looked like. After several months of collecting data, our school’s gifted and talented coordinator came to me and said she had information about our oldest son that we needed to discuss. Her data indicated that our oldest son was scoring in the top 98 percentile in almost every test, screener, or interview she had given him.  His scores opened the door for the school’s gifted and talented program, and she wanted to know if that was something we were interested in pursuing. 

My wife and I began to discuss what this meant to us and our son.  You see, we never really thought of our son as gifted. We just always thought of him as an “all boy” kind of kid.  Yes, he excelled in some areas, but we also saw that he was average in many others. We began to discuss what would be best for our son in the long run.  More than anything in this world, we wanted our son to grow up to be a well-adjusted and healthy adult mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  We wanted our son to be a problem-solver and to be able to handle social interactions successfully. We wanted him to care about his family and others and know the importance of servanthood and hard work.  We wanted our son to experience failure and understand that he could grow through it. We wanted him to understand that all people have gifts and talents and that he would someday have to rely on the strength of others to succeed.   We wanted our son to understand that he was and still is a great young man with lots of potential to do amazing things as well as capable of making mistakes like everyone else. We wanted him to be humble and to know that he was created for a purpose to serve God and others.

Here’s what we knew we did not want.  We did not want our son to feel above or better than anyone else.  We did not want him to feel any extra burden to live up to a certain label. We did not want to create an environment that incubated an elitist or arrogant mindset.  We did not want him to carry undue stress for being something he struggled to live up to. 

 So, when our conversation was finished, my wife and I made a decision.  We decided that we did not want our son identified as gifted. We didn’t want him misled into thinking he was any more or less gifted than any other child.  Instead, we allowed him to take the path that his peers took and when he excelled we encouraged and celebrated his success. When he fell short or struggled, we stressed the importance of overcoming and teaching empowerment and skills to succeed.  We also quickly noticed that our son naturally tracked himself into many of the opportunities and experiences that the “gifted” kids were experiencing. Life often has a natural way of doing that. 

Here’s the bottom line;  I’m not saying that your child being labeled as “gifted” is a bad thing.  In fact, this label may very well open the door to experiences that will serve them well.  What I am saying is that your child may not necessarily be better off because of the label.  What’s the motivation behind the label? Weigh the pros and cons before making a decision. Think about how this label may impact your child socially, academically, spiritually, etc…  As in most things in life, there is usually more than one way to the same goal. Being labeled “gifted” may be what opens new and exciting doors for them, but remember, your child is far more than a single label.  Your child is a beautiful but often messy combination of different traits, skills, behaviors, and gifts. Some will be seen as blessings, but some will be seen as shortcomings. Praise and encourage where they are strong and help them learn and grow where they are weak. This balanced approach will not only help your child succeed in school but more importantly life as well.  

Are You A Rescue Parent?

By trying to protect children from failure now...you actually set them up for greater failure later. Merrill Hutchinson

Earlier this year my daughter in law shared a video with me that showed her kids hiking with her on a wet sloppy trail.  At first, it looked like a great family adventure out in mother nature on a beautiful trail. Suddenly, our two-year-old grandson took off running up the trail. Before anyone could really react, he tripped and fell flat on his face.  Mud and water splattered and his entire face and belly were covered with mud. This was not a little stumble causing a fall to the knee. This was an all-out face-plant! The next thing you hear on the video is my daughter in law chuckling and saying, it’s all right, you’re fine.  When she finally caught up to him, he began to stand up and when he saw she was smiling, he began to laugh. She laughed right back at him and they continued up the trail.  

Now, maybe this shouldn’t even be a story worth referencing, but I believe it has merit.  After working at the elementary school level for over 20 years, I have met many parents that would handle this scenario in a completely different manner.  Just speculating, but I can imagine parents that would have yelled at their children as soon as they took off running. “Don’t run, you’re going to trip and fall!”  Or, after seeing their child fall, running in a panic as if their child just broke their neck. Or, maybe having a child on a leash just to prevent them from even having the opportunity to leave your side.  Or, the ultimate in protection, “No, we are not going to hike on a muddy trail. Someone could get hurt and it will be a muddy mess.” Which parent are you?

We love our daughter in law not just because she married our son.  We love them as parents to our grandchildren because we believe they are raising their children to be problem solvers.  They are growing up to be strong, courageous, adventurous, and most importantly, victors and not victims. On a daily basis, they allow their kids to take reasonable risks. As parents, they are teaching our grandchildren to celebrate the victories but also learn from the mistakes. 

No doubt, parenting can be difficult; wondering if you are doing and saying the right things.  Wondering if your discipline is effective and meaningful. Wondering if you are growing your kids to thrive and survive in a sometimes cruel world.  Wondering if you are giving your kids too much or too little. These may be real thoughts and fears, but here’s the important question I think you need to ask yourself.  What kind of adults do you want your children to grow to be? In my 20 years of working with parents, I more often than not get the same answer. “When my child is an adult, I want them to be happy, independent, well-adjusted, and feeling successful in their life.” AWESOME! Me TOO!

As parents, we understand we can’t guarantee our children a problem-free life.   In fact, there’s a better chance we could guarantee them a life with challenges and problems. None of us are guaranteed a problem-free life, but if we want our children to succeed in life and be well adjusted later, we must equip and teach them NOW how to navigate problems and failures.   I would suggest that attempting to remove all the problems, or solving the problems for your children, places them at incredible risk for a very tumultuous and unrewarding life. By trying to protect children from failure now...you actually set them up for greater failure later.

So, how can I help my child grow to be that adult that is happy, independent, well-adjusted, and feeling successful?  

• Realize and understand that your child is not perfect and neither are you.

• Don’t own your child’s mistakes or short-comings.  If they fail, allow them to fail. Don’t argue with the teachers, coaches, referees, or anyone else about something your child did wrong. When they mess up, look at the situation as an incredible teaching moment!

• Never make excuses for your child and never tolerate excuses from your child.  Excuses are the first step to allowing your child to become a victim. “It’s not my fault” are words that should not be tolerated in your home. 

• Limit the amount of time that you will allow your child to pout or feel sorry for themselves.  Yes, there will be emotion when a child suffers loss, rejection, or makes a mistake. That’s okay!  But please do not allow them to get stuck there. Once the emotions settle, train them to shift into problem-solving mode. Again, you do not solve the problem.  Encourage them by saying, “Okay, that didn’t go the way you wanted. What are you able to do about it now?” That’s empowerment!

• Practice what you preach.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, and own them! When you’ve made a mistake let your children see that you admit the mistake and that you are able to work toward solving the problem. 

• Encourage age-appropriate risk-taking and allow them to own the natural consequences of those risks.  “Yes, you can ride your bike and jump off your homemade ramp, but if you wreck, you need to understand you could get hurt.”  With that being said, if they wreck, you do not scream and yell, “I told you so!” Instead, we say something to the effect of.  Wow! That looks like it hurt. Are you okay? Alright, go clean up your wounds and get back on your bike!  

• Encourage exploration and exposure to activities your children are good at and things they are not necessarily good at.  This is all part of the discovery process. They may find something they excel at that ultimately directs the pathway of their life.  Or, they may find something that they never want to do again, and they will have solid reasons for why they don’t want to do it. 

My parents were not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but when I look back at what they gave my siblings and I, I am so grateful. I am most grateful that they taught us about putting our faith and trust in God in this difficult world. I am so grateful they taught us to be honest and hardworking and take responsibility for our actions and teaching us to take risk and trust that things will work out.  As I write this I hear my dad’s voice saying what he so often said to us; “Do something even if it’s wrong!”

“None of us are guaranteed a problem-free life, but if we want our children to succeed in life and be well adjusted later, we must equip and teach them NOW how to navigate problems and failures. ”

— Merrill Hutchinson

Before You Say “I Do”

Summer is finally here and you know what that means. At least for our friends and family, summer means lots of swimming, grill outs, graduations, and yes, weddings. Merrill and I were married on a sweltering July day back in 1987; we will be married 32 years on July 24. If you’re married and reading this, maybe you had a summer wedding too. I don’t know about you, but we were such young pups when we got married without a clue of what we were doing when we said, “I Do”. I’m not sure where we would be today without God’s unmerited favor.  I thank God every day for His grace and the blessing of Merrill, our five children, two amazing daughter in laws and 2 ⅓ adorable grandchildren (Yep, another one is on the way). Each one of them is a blessing in my life I do not deserve.

I say all this not just to reminisce but to attack some myths Merrill and I have seen young couples fall for over the past 25 years. Over and over again, couples have fallen into the same traps creating trouble for them years down the road. None of these are easy topics. There are as many opinions as there are words in a dictionary. We could spend days unpacking each one, but in this season of weddings and engagements, I feel like it’s time to do some myth busting about marriage and relationships.

BUSTING SOME MARRIAGE MYTHS

Photo Credit: Olivia Strohm Photography

1. “Love is All We Need”-That’s a great title for a movie or love song, but that’s not real life. Without investing in each other and nurturing that relationship through good communication and conflict resolution skills...that infatuation quickly begins to fade away. Why do you think only 2% of new marriages started as high school sweethearts? Love is not a feeling, but instead a conscious decision that must be fed and nurtured. A healthy marriage takes each partner giving 100% to the relationship. Besides healthy relationship skills, the greatest tool in our marriage toolbox is God Himself.  Without the Lord at the center of their relationship, couples are building on sinking sand.

2. “Time Will Resolve Our Problems”- Sometimes it’s the little things over time that destroy trust and slowly eat away at a relationship. If you and your partner have things that have never been addressed or resolved and they are causing bitterness and anger to build up, it’s time to get some help. Work toward compromise and resolution BEFORE you say “I do”.  Time does not heal all wounds. Over time, it can be the little things that hardened your heart toward your partner. Don’t let things go unresolved thinking they are “no big deal”. If you keep brushing things under the rug without ever dealing with them...you eventually start tripping over the rug!

3. “My Partner is My Everything”- Putting your partner on a pedestal and declaring him/her to be your world is setting your partner up for horrible failure. God never intended your partner to be your savior...your everything. Your partner IS going to disappoint you. He/She IS going to let you down over and over again. That’s called being human, and that’s why we all need to extend this thing called grace. Look in the mirror. You’re not perfect either and you’re going to need your partner to extend grace to you. We all do.  We’re going to disappoint and let others down. We see couples all the time enter into a relationship with rose colored glasses assuming their partner can meet all their needs. Good luck with that one! That’s not how God designed marriage. There is still a need for outside friendships. There is still a need for alone time, and there is still a HUGE need for God. I tell couples all the time. God is a jealous God, and he won’t settle for second place even in your marriage.

4. “Living Together Helps Prepare Us For Marriage”-This one depends on what you’re preparing for. If you want to know if your partner snores or is a good cook, maybe that’s true, but if you are looking for a forever commitment, not so much. When a couple chooses to live together before marriage, it can infuse doubt and mistrust into the very core of the relationship. It’s hard to trust someone completely when they have an easy exit strategy. The message living together often sends to a partner is “I’m not sure you’re the one for me”. I want to “test drive” the relationship. Well, test driving is great for cars you want to buy, but we’re not dealing with cars here. We’re dealing with people’s emotions and when we start intertwining sexual intimacy and financial bank accounts together without a forever commitment-things get really messy.  It’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle. I’m not here to say that couples who live together before marriage won’t last, but I am saying it definitely starts the building process on shaky ground. Regardless of what people may say, Cohabitation is NOT the best way to prepare for marriage.

A healthy marriage is not about what we selfishly GET from the relationship, but what we selflessly GIVE. It’s more about BEING the one than finding “the one”. When we look at our partner and say “I’m ALL IN” and approach marriage as a lifetime commitment through the good times and the bad, that’s when we create a relationship of love and trust.  That’s when you begin to build on a rock solid foundation for your new life together. The best way to prepare for marriage is to pursue God as a couple and get wise premarital counsel.

Many couples spend years saving and planning for their wedding day. Did you know that the average cost of a wedding in the United States last year was over $33,000? That is crazy! Couples spend a ton of money and time picking out dresses, flowers and venues. What if couples would take that same kind of time and attention in seeking God as the center of their relationship? Take the time to pray for your relationship, for each other, and for your future family. Statistics show that over 99% of married couples who pray together on a regular basis stay together. I don’t know of anything else that compares to that success rate. Research also shows that 80% of couples that get quality premarital counseling stay married.

So before you say “I do”, take the time to pursue God together. Talk to your priest or pastor. Invest in premarital counseling. Find a Christian mentor couple to walk alongside you. Slow down and do this right. After all, it’s not about one special day on the calendar, but a very special relationship you want to last a lifetime.

Marriage First Aid

I still remember where I was when I got the call. I was in Orlando, Florida at a ministry conference when one of my key church volunteers called me in tears. He and his wife were in marital crisis. She was ready to leave.  How could that be? They looked like they had it all together. I was with their whole family just the week before. How could I have missed the storm brewing and growing inside their home?

I remember that day like it was yesterday, but in reality it was over 15 years ago. That day is forever seared in my mind, because it stirred something inside that has never left me - a heart for couples in crisis. Working with couples and families was nothing new for my husband and I. For years, we had been working with engaged couples walking alongside them before they said “I Do”. For years, I had worked with families as a teacher and children’s minister. But this was different. This time, I felt ill-equipped and blindsided.

Maybe you’ve been there.  A family member or friend calls you to say, “I can’t do this anymore” or “He/She left”, and you’re left holding the phone in shock. Now what? Often we feel helpless wishing we had a band-aid or some magic words, but we don’t. The helplessness I felt that winter day in Orlando Florida sent me on a quest for truth and tools for my friends and the countless other couples God would put in my path.

If you are reading this today, I’m first here to share with you some truth. There is NOTHING that you or someone you love is experiencing right now that God can not bring beauty from (Isaiah 61:1-3). In 20 years of ministry, I have seen God bring healing and beauty out of the ugliest of circumstances. Adultery, Addiction, Illness, Bankruptcy, Felonies, Abuse….you name it; God can redeem it! Now, I didn’t say every marriage will be restored. Restoration takes two willing partners which doesn’t always happen in marital conflict. But if you are willing to do it His way, God is ABLE! My husband and I host a weekly radio show called ROCK SOLID RADIO and recently did an episode on this very topic. Check it out at eaglecountryonline.com or just click HERE

Maybe you’re reading this and you’re thinking it’s already too late. Maybe you and your spouse have already divorced and moved on. God can still make something beautiful out of your pain and heartache if you surrender it to Him. He is still able to do more than all you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21). Maybe, it’s not you but a friend, and you have no idea what to say or do. First and foremost, pray for them. Ask God to give you the wisdom and discernment in knowing what to say and what not to say. But what if there was more we could do? What if we had some first aid tools when the bleeding starts to occur?

MARRIAGE FIRST AID KIT
Just like students in school, it’s important we all have an emergency plan and practice it BEFORE the storm comes. Whether it’s a tornado or fire, students and adults practice the plan AHEAD of time.  It helps take the emotion out of the emergency and allows everyone to handle things in a safe and calm way. What if you and your spouse did the same thing? Sit down with your spouse and go over this together when things are good or when the emotion is out of the conflict.

Get a plan NOW on how you will handle the next storm or conflict that arises. No matter if it’s you or someone you know, there is hope and healing when conflict occurs.  Here are some tried and true tools I believe every first aid plan should include:

1. Take a Time Out-Don’t try and resolve conflict in the heat of emotion. Take time to cool down. If it is your spouse who is angry, walk away to allow the situation to deescalate. Go for a walk, take a drive, go in your room. Take time to step away from the emotion and calm down with the commitment that you will be back to resolve it later when the emotion has subsided. It may be an hour or a day, but don’t allow the negative emotion to fester and grow.

2. Initiate a sincere apology-Take the time to reflect on how you contributed to the conflict and own it. Even if you think your spouse was 95% in the wrong, own your 5%. (Don’t tell them you are only 5% in the wrong...that’s not going to help!) After a cooling down period, approach your spouse and apologize for your part of the argument and then STOP. Don’t go on to crucify their response or justify yours. That will only put your partner on the defense and shut down any possibility of healing your relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to apologize, don’t give up and strike back. It may take time for your partner to believe you are sincere and not just wanting to throw them under the bus.

3. Don’t keep score-Once you have apologized, let it go. Don’t keep bringing up the past and throwing it in their face. If you are a couple that keeps score, you may win an argument but you will lose your marriage.

4. Daily Investment of Time- I believe many couples are struggling because they have not made their marriage a priority. They’ve put everything in front of their marriage relationship. Work, Kids, Screens, you name it and it has replaced the marriage as the daily priority. Your spouse needs to know that he/she is the most important person in your life. If they’re not….that’s the problem. It’s time to make your spouse a priority. Every day for about 15-20 min, take the time to sit down with your partner uninterrupted and just dialogue. Ask them how they are doing and what’s going on in their world. Compliment and thank them whenever possible. No kids, no screens, no dishes...just the two of you. You will be amazed how esteemed and valued your spouse will feel. You will be surprised how much you learn in just 15-20 minutes. So many conflicts come from a break down of communication. This daily investment would save so many storms from brewing.

5. Christ Centered Marriage-You want to storm proof your marriage? Take your child off the throne. Take your work off it’s pedestal. Stop expecting your spouse to be something God never created them to be. All of those things...our children, our work, even our spouse make lousy gods. Put Jesus Christ on the throne in your home. Build your home on a foundation that is unshakable and can weather ANY storm. As a couple, pray for each other and for your family every day. The divorce rate for couples who pray together on a regular basis is less than 1 percent. I don’t know of a better way to storm proof your marriage. When Christ is our focus, we begin to understand how to love our wife and respect our husband unconditionally. We begin to extend grace and offer forgiveness, because we realize how WE have been forgiven by our Heavenly Father who loves us and forgives us daily.  

6. Seek Professional Help Early-Don’t wait until your spouse walks out the door. If you can’t seem to resolve the conflict on your own, seek professional help. Call a counselor. Reach out to a priest/pastor. Contact us at Rock Solid Families for marriage/family coaching. There is help and hope available.

Like I mentioned before, there are no magic words that can instantly repair a hurting relationship.  There is no magic pill you can swallow and heal deep wounds, but there is a Heavenly Father who has given us a way to have all those things we so desperately desire...peace, love, joy, and hope.

At Rock Solid Families, we are here to help you find those things in a Christ-centered home. If we can help you or your family, please don’t hesitate to call our St. Leon, IN office at 812-576-ROCK or contact us through our website at rocksolidfamilies.org. In the meantime, please know that if you’re reading this, we are praying for YOU and asking God to help you build a Rock Solid Family!