The Golden Rule

I’m sick and tired of the bickering!  I’m sick and tired of selfish fighting no matter the cost to the rest of us!  I’m sick and tired of energy going into what seems to be a futile endeavor! Thanks! I feel better now that I got that off my chest!

You might think I’m describing the lack of civility that we sometimes see in our homes between our children.  That would make sense as kids can spend countless hours trying to protect their turf within the house. The back and forth can be draining and downright insane.  As parents, we work hard to raise our children through these crazy years and hopefully teach them to be more civil and respectful toward each other. It is not unusual for adult family members to say things like, “Yeah, we couldn’t stand each other when we were young, but now we are best friends.” As a parent, this is the great reward for all of our efforts in raising kids.

I wish I could say that my initial tirade was directed solely toward my house and raising kids, but that would only partially be true.  What I’m really sick and tired of is how childish behavior has crept into our culture; politics, media, business, even religion have fallen into these unhealthy and unsustainable behaviors.  Yes, the effort to persuade and influence others to a particular point of view at any and all cost has left is well beyond the activities of a couple of siblings fighting for turf. It is now full-blown in nearly all parts of our society.  In fact, the attacks and bickering within our politics, businesses, sports, churches, schools, and neighborhoods make a home filled with sibling rivalry look like a picnic.

Disagreement is not unhealthy.   Being challenged is good and can be healthy! Challenge leads to growth. Whether it is challenging our muscles, our creativity, our relationships, or even our faith. However, it must come with some ground rules and a greater purpose. Disagreement for the sake of protecting “your” way, is not necessarily healthy.  But, challenge for the sake of protecting something greater than yourself; i.e. principles, can be very healthy.

When we adopted our three children, Linda and I were completely blown away by how much fighting and arguing was going on inside our house.  While raising our older sons, we seldom experienced much feuding and when disagreements arose, we quickly resolved them. In fact, we often stated that our goal was to have a house of peace.  The world was crazy enough, we needed to make sure our house was a place where we could be recharged and ready to take on another crazy day in a crazy world. Needless to say, when we adopted our three younger children the daily fighting, yelling, and bickering between them was disturbing.  Honestly, it made wanting to come home less attractive than I had ever experienced. Who wants to walk into a firestorm of mean and selfish rants every day? Not me!

Linda and I had to quickly change our focus on what was important in our home.  We realized that our kids had spent their entire lives fighting for themselves. They had no vision of what it was to fight for their family. Our entire focus had to turn to teaching, “family first”. This has not been easy or fast. Our culture has more recently, (the past 30 years), placed greater emphasis and promotion of immediate gratification and getting what we want with little consideration of what others might want or need.  Trying to teach that getting your own way often comes at the expense of another person can be a difficult process, especially when the culture promotes selfishness.

We realized that our kids were operating with what I refer to as an empathy deficit.  It is often difficult for them to see things through another person’s eyes.  The result is often selfish and even inappropriate behaviors. Fighting, bickering, and self-promotion are some of the common behaviors you see with an empathy deficit.

So, rather than simply state that our house needed to be a house of peace.  We started to teach what our decisions might feel like from another person’s point of view.  For example, saying that stealing is bad is only a good first step. But for kids that are used to getting whatever they want, no matter how they get it, stealing happens to become a means to an end.  So, how do you teach this kind of thing?

Time must be spent on teaching and experience the emotions created by right and wrong.  For example, when a young child steals a toy, they may feel happy because they have a new toy. But, how does the child feel that the toy was stolen from?  This is where we begin to teach empathy. This can be done through role-playing or experiencing natural consequences. In other words, “how would you feel if someone stole that from you?”  Or, since you stole that item, you must return it, apologize, and pay back double the cost. Ouch!

Teaching younger children to ask questions like “How was your day?” is a powerful first step to teach younger children about empathy.  Once our children begin to understand empathy, it is much easier for them to transfer that into adult relationships and interaction. Remember the Golden Rule?  Treat others the way you want to be treated!  Matthew 7:12 states; So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the prophets.

Where does this all lead us?  Much of what we see in our society today grows out of what we are already seeing in our homes.  If our homes are filled with dissension and fighting today, our society will be filled with dissension and fighting tomorrow.  If we really want to stop this insanity, we need to start in our homes. I believe it is a worthy effort to strive to make your house a “house of peace”!  Maybe perfection is not attainable, but at least setting up a general expectation will allow our families to become more cohesive. Start today by teaching your kids the value of empathy...The Golden Rule!

Negotiating with Your Child?

Ever have this at your dinner table? You spent a long time preparing a great meal only to have your child turn her nose up at it. She pouts and shouts and refuses to eat until you finally give in and let her eat whatever she wants out of the fridge.

Negotiation is a great thing when it is done correctly.  Over my years of working with others, I’ve had many opportunities to walk through the negotiation process.  Early on, I realized that for me to even think about entering into this process, several key understandings and beliefs had to be in place between the involved parties.  If they were not, it was better to not even entertain the process. Negotiations will only stand a chance at being successful if the process is standing on the following pillars:

• Mutual Respect

• Trust

• Good Faith and Intent

• Understanding and Belief in the Process

• Shared Values

Whether it be purchasing a car or a house.  Interviewing for a job, or settling a business deal.  Negotiations can be very rewarding and successful when they stand on the above pillars. Without these, the process will at best, fall short, at worst, be disastrous and potentially harmful and costly to the involved parties.

So what does all of this have to do with negotiating with your child? Over the years, I’ve had many discussions with parents about negotiating with their children.  I’ve even had several cases in which parents were impressed that their elementary aged child was becoming a skilled negotiator. They seemed to applaud the process. Often, they would state something to the effect of, “Hey, in my world, learning to be a strong negotiator is a valuable skill.  Someday, it may make them a lot of money!”

Yes, there may be some truth to this, but here is my opinion on negotiating with a child.  I would never want to negotiate with someone that did not work from the pillars previously mentioned:  Mutual Respect, Trust, Good Faith/Intent, Understanding/ Belief in the Process, and Shared Values. With that being said, I strongly encourage parents to avoid negotiating with their young children.  Why you may ask? Let’s look at the typical child. Now, this isn’t meant to be mean or ill-spirited, but rather, truthful. Our kids are born and quickly develop into selfish beings. If you don’t believe me, go hang around a 2 - 3-year old for about 30 minutes. The terrible twos are terrible because the child has become aware of themselves and how they interact with the world. Their little brains are excited to think about things they want and finding ways to execute getting those things...at any and all cost! Tantrums, crying, sibling rivalry, and attempts at negotiating are just part of a young child’s day.

Our young children are not bad or evil for thinking of themselves first but do not be fooled.  Children are by their nature, selfish. It is a very abstract thought process to step outside of your own thoughts and desires and think about what someone else might be feeling or thinking.  This process is slowly learned, and the brain has to develop and mature just to be capable of doing such thinking.

You may be asking…why don’t you trust your kids? My response is simple…I do not trust them YET! Trust is something that must be developed and grown.  Trust occurs when people are working from a respected and shared value system.  A child doesn’t know what is valued in a relationship until they are old enough to understand how a relationship works? I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to work with thousands of kids.  What I know to be true is that no matter how good that child is, they simply are not ready for high level or abstract thinking An elementary age child is still learning how to interact with others and how to combat the selfish tendency hardwired into all of us.  

Watching kids on the playground is a perfect example.  You will see them argue and bicker back and forth to the point that sometimes just seems cruel.  This cruelty comes out simply because a child is acting like a child, selfish. They want what they want no matter what you want.  

So, as part of the process of becoming a well adjusted and successful adult, we learn to temper our selfish hard wiring and develop important relationship tools such as empathy, understanding, and effective communication.  These skills may not seem difficult on the surface, but I believe it is the reason for much of the conflict in our world today.  Politics, business, marriage, parenting, etc…, trouble comes when we revert back to our selfish tendencies and presume our way is the only way.

So, let me suggest that we don’t negotiate with our children until they have learned the following:  

• Mutual Respect

• Trust

• Good Faith and Intent

• Understanding and Belief in the Process

• Shared Values

The way kids learn and understand these essential pillars of negotiation is by first teaching them the tools of empathy, understanding, and effective communication.  This can be more difficult for some children than others.  As the parent, you want to teach these skills and then help them understand how they build strong and healthy relationships.  So, if you want your children to grow up to be successful and well-adjusted adults, please do not spend your time negotiating with them.  Rather, spend your time teaching and encouraging your children to understand the value of valuing others.  Once you begin to have confidence in their ability to value others, then you will find yourself being more comfortable entering into the negotiation process.  Not only will this help your children, but it will help all the people your children come into a relationship with as an adult.  I don’t know about you, but I would call that a Win-Win DEAL!

Parenting in a Tech Heavy World

As a parent or grandparent, are you desperate for some help in the area of technology/social media?  In his book, The Tech Wise Family, author Andy Crouch surveyed a thousand parents of children ages 4-17 and asked them, “What is the number one concern you have as a parent?” Out of a thousand surveyed, the number one thing parents were concerned about for their children was technology/social media.

Finding a healthy balance in this fast paced, ever changing digital age is so hard for families today. Parents have nothing to draw from or compare it to. They didn’t grow up with a phone in their pocket that demanded their attention 24/7. Parents are struggling on how to find that healthy balance for their family. The constant demand for connectedness and the increasing stress they face every day is becoming overwhelming for our kids. This tech heavy world is too difficult for children to navigate alone.

My husband and I feel like we have parented children in two different worlds. Raising our two older sons just 10 years ago looked very different than raising our three youngest today. Shortly after adopting our youngest three a few years ago, we began hearing things like “If you loved me, you’d buy me a phone.” “I’m the ONLY one in my class without a phone.” So many children and parents have mistakenly equated technology with love.  Not wanting their child to feel ostracized or left out, parents give in to the pressure purchasing devices they often can't afford and putting them in the hands of kids who often can’t handle them.

Many adults rationalize their technology decisions with their kids by comparing it to their own technology use.  I often hear parents say things like, “My kids already know more about technology than I do. Why bother?” “I’m tired of the fight. If you can’t beat them, join them”  “I’ve got good kids. This really doesn’t apply to me”. “They are just like me. I can’t live without it either.”

As a parent or grandparent, we can NOT afford to be passive bystanders or hide our heads in the sand. Our society is reaping the consequences of our decisions, and our children’s health is at stake!  Much research has been done on the detrimental effects excessive screen usage has on a child’s brain development. A child’s prefrontal cortex, the decision making part of the brain, is not fully developed until their early 20’s. Many children today are suffering from Excessive Screen Syndrome (ESS) which causes a hyper arousal of a child’s sensitive nervous system creating dysfunction in school, home and social interactions. ESS affects sleep, diet, behavior, family dynamics and school performance. Do you know a child struggling with irritability, depression, tantrums, poor self-regulation, social immaturity, insomnia, oppositional-defiant behaviors, disorganized behavior, poor sportsmanship, or learning difficulties? Researchers would contend that it very well could be because of excessive screen time. (Reset Your Child’s Brain, Victoria Dunckley MD, 2015)

“We’ve made a conscious decision in our home to stop giving our kids what they WANT or what the world says they should have and start giving them what they NEED! ”

— Linda Hutchinson

Teaching your child self control NOW has a direct correlation to their health and success as an adult. (The Collapse of Parenting, Dr. Leonard Sax, 2017) As parents, we must decide now that character traits like self control, integrity, and honesty take priority over how connected we are to the world. We’ve made a conscious decision in our home to stop giving our kids what they WANT or what the world says they should have and start giving them what they NEED!  Yes, technology is a regular battle in our home too, but remember you are the parent. Kelly Newcom, author and founder of Brave Parenting, writes about this very topic in her book, Managing Media-Creating Character. Kelly (Rodden) Newcom, an East Central High School grad, grew up in SE Indiana and now lives in Texas with her husband and 7 children. Her book is a great resource for any parent.

Technology/social media is here to stay and can be used for positive things, but don’t be naive to think it doesn’t come at a cost. How many more horror stories do we have to read about in the paper or hear on the news?  Cyber bullying, sexting, suicide, murder….when do we finally say something has to change? I believe we can help by starting in our homes. Here are some practical suggestions to help you create a healthy media plan for your family. Together, we can make a difference.

• CREATE A FAMILY MEDIA PLAN-Have a family meeting. Set the reset button and model for your children a healthy balance with technology. Develop a family media plan with limits and guidelines and stick to it. Remember, you are not their friend; you are their parent. There’s a difference! Consistency is the key. Click HERE to create a family media plan today.

• LIMIT ACCESS AND USAGE-Set screen time limits for your whole house based on their age and maturity and enforce them.The longer you wait to give a child a phone, the longer you have influence over their decisions. The minute they can access a friend without your permission, you’ve lost your voice and place as the primary influence in their lives. Let go SLOW. Don’t use screens as a pacifier or babysitter. For screen time guidelines for different ages and more help on this topic, go to healthychildren.org.

• NO SCREENS AT THE DINNER TABLE-Spend the time talking about the highs and lows of the day and investing in the relationships around you. Your spouse and children need to know they take priority over your phone.

• NO SCREENS IN A CHILD’S BEDROOM-Sleep deprivation is the biggest culprit for the anxiety, depression, and learning difficulties our kids are experiencing today. Charge all phones and tablets in a parent’s bedroom including friends who spend the night.

• LIMIT SOCIAL MEDIA-Do not recommend for elementary or middle school students. Monitor activity. Inappropriate behavior results in no social media. Know accounts and passwords. Remember, you are still the parent and as long as you are paying the bills and they are under your roof, you have the power!

Need help navigating these uncharted waters of technology/social media as a family? Contact us at 812-576-ROCK or rocksolidfamilies.org.

Baby, its Cold Outside!

I know, I’m supposed to be content in all situations. I’m not supposed to grumble or complain. Okay! Okay!  But can you just give me a minute to vent? I hate WINTER! Great! Now that I got that off my chest, let’s move on.  I really don’t hate everything about winter. I like the snow and the holidays, but I hate not being outside and active like I am in the warmer months.  The limited daylight and colder temperatures make it much less inviting to do the things I enjoy outside. In the wonderful Ohio Valley, we have more than our share of cloudy and raining days in the winter.  I think I must have some hibernation tendencies in me because it’s a pretty much a guarantee that I’m going to gain an extra 10 pounds every winter. I also notice that my energy and mood tend to be lower. My wife might even say I have a bad attitude in the winter.  And she might be right!

So, over the years, I’ve had to be very intentional about taking care of myself especially in the winter months.  I understand that I have a choice in how my winters are going to go, and how I’m going to deal with them. Here are some of the things that I have used to stay healthy and keep my winter blues in check:

• Be intentional about your exercise and activity level.  Typically this is so much easier in the summer. But in the winter you have to make it a priority.  Join a gym. Schedule a time in your day to workout. Sign up for a basketball or volleyball league. Join us at Rock Solid Families for a fitness class.

• Limit your screen time.  TV’s, computers, and phones all have one thing in common, they have you sitting on your tail way too much.  Excessive sitting causes muscles and joints to get stiff. It also is not demanding many calories, so your calories are stored as fat.  Ugh!

• Start an indoor project. Maybe it’s time to remodel or paint a room. Do you have a garage or barn that you can fix a vehicle or restore an old car in?  How about a woodworking project? My mom used to love to do a winter puzzle!

• Commit to an activity or organization several hours a week.  Maybe it’s a bible study at church, or lunch with friends. Putting this on the calendar gives you something to look forward to and gets you out and moving.

• Be mindful of your eating, especially the carbs!  Carbohydrates are sometimes called “feel-good” foods.  Sugars and grains that taste good and make us feel good, but only for a short time.  Carbohydrates play havoc on your body. You crave them, they make you feel good, then, crash!  Yes, due to the insulin rush into your bloodstream to pull all that sugar out of the blood and into the cells as fast as possible.  The problem is this immediate rise and fall of sugar in the bloodstream leaves us feeling tired, groggy, and even depressed. If this is happening on a daily basis, we can find ourselves dealing with sugar-induced depression.

• Sunlight exposure!  There is no shortage of research data that demonstrates how exposure to sunlight helps to lift our mood.  Over the years, researches have coined the phrase S.A.D., Seasonal Affective Disorder. S.A.D., is actually nothing new.  It used to go by such terms as Winter Blues or Cabin Fever. S.A.D. is simply a drop in mood and energy that is triggered by the reduced amount of sunlight exposure.  Most people experience some level of this but are able to work through it without incident. However, if S.A.D symptoms are keeping you from being the person you know you can be, then it may be time to get help.  Diet, exercise, prayer, artificial sun-lamps, talk therapy, and even medications are among the few things available to reverse S.A.D.

Okay, so now that I’ve reminded myself on how to get through these cold, dark dreary days of winter.  I need to get out of my chair and go for walk! Embrace the cold!

Philippians 2:14

Do everything without complaining and arguing...

The Little Things

I would love to say that today’s blog is a warm and fuzzy one all about the little things that “make the season bright”. Instead, it’s a confession. It’s a confession on this week before Christmas about how I have let the little things crowd out the important ones. Anyone else with me? You know who you are. As a matter of fact, you’re not even sure you have time to read this whole thing, because you have a million things swimming around in that head of yours with just a few days before Christmas. Stay with me. Like God did with me, I think the Lord wants to minister to your heart today.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that still has a few things on their to do list before Christmas arrives. I have lists all over the house. There’s my gift buying list where I’ve tried to mark things off before hiding them away from the kids. There’s my Kroger’s Click it list that I keep adding to before tomorrow’s pick up. I’m trying to avoid having to go INTO the store to pick up last minute things I forgot before I circle around to pick up my Click it order. ( You know you’ve done it too) There’s my guest list for Christmas Eve dinner which is up to 30 people not counting our son’s gigantic puppy and our newest great nephew. There’s my cleaning list for the kids and adults that Merrill has offered to oversee. There’s the birthday party list as we try to squeeze a birthday celebration in with a bunch of teenage boys this weekend for our son with the Christmas Day birthday. There’s my packing list for Merrill and I as we take off right after Christmas to see our oldest son and his family. There’s my packing list for our three youngest who will be staying with their old foster parents while we are gone. Not to mention, my to do list for our ministry, Rock Solid Families.

I say all that to set the stage of where my mind was a few days ago as I ran into an old friend. I had just got out of my car where I had been silently running through every one of those lists above in my head. Ever been there?  I usually like driving with the radio off, so that I can pray while I drive, but not the other day. Instead, my mind was swimming when my friend saw me and asked, “What’s up? Anything?” Before I could catch them, the words that came out of my mouth along with a heavy sigh were “I can’t wait for Christmas to be over”. The weight of those words immediately broke my heart. In that moment, I had allowed all those little things swimming around my head to steal my joy.

We’ve all done it. We’ve all taken our eye off the prize before. That’s what makes us human and not God. The point of this article is two fold. One is to say...you are not alone. Satan is working on us all to distract, discourage, and destroy the good things God is doing in us and around us. The Bible warns, Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8.  After those words flew out of my mouth the other day, I had two choices. Beat myself up or get my eyes back in focus. Jesus talks about this very thing when he warns us not to worry. So don’t worry about these things, saying, What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear? These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:31-33

The second purpose of this article is to encourage you to keep your eyes wide open to how the Lord is working and moving in your life. It’s easy to miss it if you allow yourself to get to distracted or discouraged like I was. Like Jesus said, seek Him first.  I walked away from my friend earlier this week so mad at myself for letting all those little things crowd out the important one- Jesus. As I walked into the store, I noticed the song playing over the speaker. It was a country singer singing Away in a Manger. How ironic that I would even notice the music playing in the background let alone a religious Christmas song. I had to chuckle and smile. It was as if the Lord was gently guiding my eyes back to the reason for the season. The next morning,  I opened my Jesus Calling devotion and found these words waiting for me, “Do not be weighed down by the clutter in your life; lots of little chores to do sometime, in no particular order. If you focus too much on these petty tasks, trying to get them all out of the way, you will discover that they are endless...Seek My face continually throughout the day. Let my Presence bring order to your thoughts infusing Peace into your entire being.” In God’s perfect timing and gentle way, He was reminding me that when I put Him first, he’ll help me take care of all those other little things. He was ministering to me in that moment and reminding me He’s got this.

If you’re reading this and you’re still feeling overwhelmed, please know we are praying for you. Our prayer is that you experience the peace and joy only a risen Savior can give you. From our family to yours, Merry Christmas!

One Size Does Not Fit All

How many times have you made the statement; “I wish these kids came with an instruction manual!” Yes, don’t we all!  

One Size Does Not Fit All!

In an effort to help people, many experts have written books about child rearing, but all too often, the information falls short. This is especially true in dealing with difficult subjects such as discipline, self-esteem, confidence, and social interaction.  You quickly glean through the well-intended tactics from your favorite new book, only to find out that it doesn’t quite work like they said it would. Ugh!!! What’s even more frustrating is when you use the material on one of your children with excellent outcomes, but it’s a complete failure on their sibling.  Typically, I will hear parents say, “They both live in the same house, have the same parents, live with the same rules and experiences, how could they be so different?”

Welcome to parenting! If it were only so easy as to read a book and have all the answers.  What many fail to realize is the uniqueness of every child. It’s for that reason that one size simply does not fit all.  So, how do we go about raising these unique beings? Over the years, I have had the opportunity to try many different tactics and ideas.  Some made me a believer, others, not so much. One thing I came to realize is that I needed to stop looking for “cookie-cutter” answers and take the time to learn who the child was.  Let me explain.

I listen to people talk about bringing back paddling into the school, of which I’m not opposed. However, I will tell you that paddling is not the answer for all kids. I've dealt with some kids that need little more than a stern voice to curb an unwanted behavior.  On the other hand, I’ve seen kids that I truly believed you could have hit with a 2x4 and they would respond with, “is that all you got”?

I’ve also heard people discuss how building confidence and self-esteem is critical.  On the surface, this seems reasonable, but again one size does not fit all. Some kids come to us with confidence dripping out of their pores.  In fact, if they don’t know how to handle it, they can be some of the worst people to associate with. Ever met someone who was always right or difficult to teach or coach? This type of confidence exudes itself as arrogance.  And, yes, there are those kids that doubt everything they say or do. Never believing they are good enough, constantly seeking affirmation, and quite frankly, often just as difficult to be around as the arrogant child.

As a parent, understanding this scripture is critical to raising your unique child.

Romans 12:4-8 (NIV)

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Yes, every body part has significant value to the total body.  One is not better than another. Would it make sense to make your eye function and behave like your ear?  That’s ridiculous! So is it ridiculous to think we should expect the same function and behavior from our kids. Should they all go to college? Should they all play sports? Should they all like to read? Should they all be leaders? The easy answer is NO!  But, way too often we see parents pushing things that may very well be what the world is saying is important, but not what God intended for your child.

 How do we deal with these unique kiddos?  

1. Spend time working on what your child needs the most help with.  If your child is a naturally confident, borderline arrogant child, you may have to help them understand and practice humility.  Teaching them how to listen to other’s point of view.  Teaching them how to let others go first. Teaching them to be better listeners and value the opinions of others. Teaching them to openly admit when they are wrong and make necessary apologies.

If your child lacks confidence, then you most likely do not need to spend a great deal of time teaching humility. Rather, you could begin to work on their positive self-talk.  You do not tolerate or accept excuses or down-trodden talk. You strongly challenge them to take action. If it leads to a win, you celebrate it. If it leads to a loss, you teach them how to learn from the failure.  

2. Teach your child to NEVER be a Victim! No matter what cards your child has been dealt, they will have their share of failure in their life. Teaching your child to come out as a victor rather than a victim is a lifelong tool that will serve your child well no matter who they are. Whether your child is an academic genius, or struggling to pass school, a potential pro-athlete, or sitting the bench, you can still teach them the value in never being a victim. We do this by teaching our kids to own or take responsibility for everything they do.  We do not tolerate excuses or blames.  No, it’s not the referee’s fault that you lost the game.  It may sound good at the time, but it completely removes responsibility from your child to get better.  Teaching your child to be a victor is one of the most empowering things that you can do. They will no longer have to wait for things to go their way.  They will begin to understand what it means to Make it a Great Day rather than Have a Great Day!

3. Teach your child the value of Self-Discipline. I remind my kids even when they don’t want to hear it; “I will discipline you until you can learn to discipline yourself!”  That is the key to why we discipline our children.  We really just need them to self-discipline. Again, no matter who your child is, research has proven time and time again, that a necessary trait for happiness and success in life is self-control. https://www.inc.com/rohini-venkatraman/science-says-self-control-is-a-key-success-factor-boost-yours-immediately-with-these-tips.html

Your kids will not like this parenting tactic, but you owe it to them to help them to practice the skill of self-control in their daily activities and decision making. Immediate gratification and self-control are on two opposite ends of the spectrum.  Help your child move toward the side of long term success and happiness - self control!

4. Teach your child about God and why he created them the way they are.  As your child grows up, they begin to have the ability to compare.  Yes, they compare how good they are, how bad they are, how tall they are, how smart they are, how athletic they are, how artistic they are, and the list goes on.  They soon realize that they are never going to be the best at everything. Someone will always be better! This is where we get into the self-esteem concerns. Self-esteem drops when a child believes there is something wrong with them.  Simply stated; they aren’t good enough!

Teach your child about their total uniqueness. They entered this world as a unique Child of God made in His image.  No one in the world is who they are. No one in the world has the exact combinations of talents, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses.  This combination has been hand selected by God. Teach them to stop wanting to change what God has created and embrace who He intended them to be.  Teach them to identify their strengths and then build them. Teach them to identify their weaknesses and how these weaknesses will help steer their path to serve out God’s intention for their life.  

Don’t fall into the trap of letting the world determine who your child should be.  Encourage them to be who God intended them to be. Like the old adage says, “God doesn’t make junk”!  

Never Enough

It was one of those days. I’m sure you’ve had them too. No matter what you said or did, it was never enough. That was me last Friday.  No school, no power, and three kids who were sick of being together but too cold to go outside. And yes, a mother who was ready for them to go back to school. PLEEEASE, Lord let them go back to school!!

NOPE! At 5:15 am on Friday morning, we got the call. Day TWO of no school, but praise God through the night our power had come back on. Thank you, Jesus at least we had power! Some of our family and friends around us were not as lucky which is why they had to call off school again. Let’s face it; an ice storm is not much fun to play in while you’re off school. Our three youngest still woke up super early and excited because it was Friday, and they had plans for the weekend. All three of them had been invited to spend the weekend with their former foster family. They were excited about celebrating the birthday of their former foster sister. She was turning 5. They could not wait to get there. They had their bags packed sitting by the door first thing in the morning, and then the wait began.

They figured if they were off, everyone should be off. They could start the festivities early. They had dreams of going over our friend’s house before lunch and playing with the birthday girl. They assumed they were getting picked up early and most definitely eating dinner with them, but that wasn’t our original plan. Most of us have this thing called “work”. It’s a really strange thing that adults do when children go to school. You’ve probably experienced it too.

I say all this to set the stage for the kind of day we had. It wasn’t pretty. Nothing I said or did was enough. Trust me, I would have been ecstatic if they would have gotten their wish and gotten to go over early. I had a list of things I was hoping to get done at work and at home before the weekend began, which left me in a pretty frustrated mood.

By the time, the kids left the house at 6pm, we had ALL had enough of each other. Merrill and I decided to go to the movies that night to blow off some steam. We talked the whole way down to Greendale Cinemas sharing our hearts and struggles with each other. Here we were leading a new ministry called Rock Solid Families, and at that moment we didn’t feel very Rock Solid. We were also preparing to tape our weekly radio show, Rock Solid Radio and felt totally unworthy to speak with any kind of authority or expertise. Satan was having a field day with both of us. He was in our heads having a field day.

In God’s divine timing, you won’t believe the movie we went to see that night.  It was Instant Family about a couple adopting three hard to place foster children. It was one I had wanted to see for a long time, but I had no idea how God would use it in that moment. We laughed. I cried. (I think Merrill did too but I can’t confirm. It was dark.) That has been our story...every stinking scene we could relate to. We drove home that night shocked at how real that movie was and how relatable it was to our story.

When we got home, we got ready for bed. Merrill and I laid in bed and prayed together as we do every night. We prayed for each other, we prayed for all five of our children, our daughter in laws, our two grand babies, our ministry, the families we work with, and then the tears started to flow for me. In that moment, I cried out to the Lord and asked for his forgiveness. I asked him to help me in my weakness as a wife and mom. I asked for his forgiveness for my struggles that day with the kids. We both finished praying and kissed each other good night.

As I laid there still beating myself up over my day, I heard God speak to me. No, I didn’t hear his audible voice, but I did hear him very clearly speak into my spirit that night. I heard the Lord say….”Linda, you’re not ROCK SOLID, I am!” “You were never meant to be. That’s my job, not yours!” If you try to do it on your own….you’ll never be enough.  I can not tell you how those words from the Lord ministered to my heart that Friday night. I went to sleep that night with such a peace, not because I was good enough, but because He was!

Maybe you need to hear those words from the Lord too. Folks, we will NEVER be enough! That’s not His design for us to be on our own. He’s the Rock-not us!  Check out the scripture we had up in our Rock Solid Families fitness room that very same week. This was what the Lord said to the apostle Paul as he battled those same insecure thoughts and what He’s saying to you and I today…. ““My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.(2 Cor. 12:9-10 NLT)

We’re going to be talking more about the subject of NEVER ENOUGH on our Rock Solid Radio show on Sunday, December 16 from 7:30-8:00 pm on Eagle Country 99.3 FM. We’d love for you to tune in and even join in on the conversation. Remember He’s the Rock-not us! He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:2)

To Listen to that Episode of Rock Solid Radio from December 16, Click HERE

Teaching Kids to Communicate

You’ve all seen it and maybe even participated in it. A family sitting at the dinner table; several children and parents intensely communicating, but not with each other.  Instead they are all communicating with a digital screen! You’ll see them smiling, frowning, staring-all at a device instead of those around the table with them. This has become so commonplace that we don’t question it anymore. For many, it has become a cultural norm.  

In my blog today, I’m not going to bash the digital age we are living in.  Instead, I want to focus on what we, especially our children, know about how to communicate.  Communication is a necessity of life. The forms of communication we use seem straight forward, but are they?  

The forms and their frequency are the things that are changing.  Face to face communication where you see someone’s face and body is actually becoming less and less frequent. The need for us to meet someone in person to perform a particular task has greatly diminished. We don’t have to visit a store to shop, or go to a school to be taught. We don’t have to go to church to hear the preacher’s message or even attend the sporting event to see the event. We are now able to experience these things in our house and never even interact with a single person face to face.  Let’s be honest, we love the convenience and comfort that this provides us, but at what expense?

Over the years, researchers have made claims that over 90% of our communication is nonverbal; facial expression, body language, voice tone, etc… These numbers seem pretty extreme and in fact more recent research suggest that the difference between nonverbal and verbal communication percentages are more influenced by the situation.  Listening to a book on audio is certainly much more verbally effective than nonverbal, but having a face to face disagreement can be significantly more nonverbal. With that being said, researchers agree that nonverbal communication is significant, and often much more important than the words we use.

So, how are you teaching your children to communicate?  If the primary communication they use is looking at a digital screen and reading words, they likely are missing a huge portion of the message.  This is why we frequently see messages getting misinterpreted or misunderstood. “No, I didn’t mean that, I was just joking around.”

I encourage you to be intentional about teaching your children how to communicate.  When I teach lessons on communication to young students the first thing I teach is to know your audience.   Yes, before you say a word, you should know who you are talking to. Age, gender, energy level, mood, interest level, etc… We have all had great teachers and not so great teachers.  One of the primary skills that I quickly identify in a great teacher is their ability to read their audience prior and while teaching. A great teacher does a quick inventory on the audience and looks for the general mood, attention, interest, and energy of the crowd.  If the audience is reflecting positive attention and interest, then as the teacher, you quickly seize the opportunity and teach with the same energy. If you notice tired or somber faces and you ignore that message, there is a big chance that you are quickly going to lose your audience and before you know it, you will be preaching to the walls.  

Great teachers know their material, but make rapid adjustments to keep their audience engaged.  Reading body language, voice tones, and facial expressions, is part skill and part intuition. Some teachers just seem to be naturals, while others need to be trained and practiced in these skills.  Here’s the good news, these are skills that can be learned, practiced, and significantly improved.

How do you teach your children to read their audience and be effective communicators?  As mentioned earlier, some of them will be naturals, but all can benefit from learning and practicing three simple techniques.

1. Audience Check. Teach your child to observe and read their teachers and others every day.  Each day when your child walks into the classroom, one of the first things they should do is take notice of the people they encounter, especially their teacher.  Is the teacher appearing to be happy, sad, tired, irritated, etc… If your child walks into the classroom and stares at the ground, they likely will miss one of the most important messages necessary to start their day off right.

2. Greet and Check. Teach them to initiate the first greeting.  As soon as they walk in the classroom and take notice of the people, they follow up with a simple greeting.  “Hi Mrs. Smith!”, or better yet, “Hi Mrs. Smith, how are you today?”  Wow!   Guess what is about to happen?  Because the child took an interest in the teacher, the teacher is going to respond not just with a verbal word, but a mood, and an energy through her nonverbal clues.  More importantly, most of the time the teacher will return the interest.  I’m doing great this morning! How are you doing?”   This is so important!  Now, not only does your child have basic information about the teacher, but the teacher now gathers information about the student.  If this is done on a daily basis, it will not be long before the teacher and student have a greater depth to their understanding and interaction with each other.  

3. Clarity Check. Teach them the skill of seeking clarity of the message.  When they hear, see, and recognize the teacher’s message, test understanding. For example:  

Student: Hi Mrs. Smith! How are you?”

Mrs. Smith: In a low and quiet voice - “I’m okay.”

Clarity Check-

Student: “Mrs. Smith, you seem a little tired today”. Is everything okay?”

WOW!  Now the student is not just engaging, but seeking to gain greater understanding. This shows the student investing and taking an interest in the teacher. The teacher will typically seek to clarify the message, and consciously or subconsciously, they will feel a greater interest and empathy for this student. Practice these same skills on a daily basis in your house.  Every day have your child practice checking in with you when they walk in the door.  Have them notice, greet, and clarify understanding of the people in the house, especially their parents.   

Effective communication and interaction with others is a lifelong skill that your child will use every day of their life. This is tremendously powerful in teaching your child to invest in the interest of others, rather than just themselves.  Next time you think about giving your child their tablet when they walk in the house, stop and spend some time teaching them to be Masters of Communication not Disasters of Communication!

Parenting After Divorce

Nobody goes into a marriage with the intention of divorcing.  Most couples get married with the intention of being with their spouse for a lifetime.  Kids, houses, cars, pets, everything they bring into the relationship is usually done thinking “together forever”.  But...life often takes turns they did not intend. Marriages begin to develop small cracks that often lead to full-blown fractures or in other words…divorce.  

Today’s blog is not about how to prevent the divorce.  We have spoken many times on that topic and will continue to do so.  That is energy well spent and should be at the forefront of our efforts.  With that being said, however, we do want to help couples successfully manage their families after a divorce has occurred.  In particular, I’m going to discuss parenting after the divorce. Below is a common description of what I have witnessed and experienced in my work as a school counselor over the past 20 years.

After differences become “irreconcilable”, couples are often stirred with emotions such as: pain, hurt, anger, jealousy, anxiety, and depression.  The idea of working with the person that they once said, “till death do us part”, brings up a well of nausea. Words like hate, stupid, jerk, selfish, along with a cast of other words unfit to put in print start to get thrown back and forth to each other.  Sometimes, it even feels good to use such derogatory words to describe their ex-spouse. Then reality hits… “Ugh, we have three children together. I have to deal with this idiot for the next 18 years! OMG!”

This is a serious crossroads in determining how well a family is going to fare through this difficult time.  When a divorced spouse responds out of those charged emotions, they often feel justified to speak negativity toward their ex-spouse.  But at what expense? This is what I have seen in my 20 years working with families. Couples who parent out of hurt and emotion are setting their children up for trouble. Parenting out of emotion often creates immediate turmoil in the family and long term issues for the child.

Initially, children are hurt and confused by the attitude and approach divorced parents take toward one another. They are saddened by any critical words and quickly start to resent one or both parents if the criticism continues or festers.  As they grow, children become desensitized to the critical speech and even begin to use it to their benefit. They begin to harden to the divorce, and approach life as a more self-centered survivor. They may even say or think things like, “I can’t worry about making them happy. I can only make myself happy.”  At that point, they begin to approach their relationship with both parents as a way to take care of their needs and desires. They stop worrying or caring about anyone else but themselves.

Children of divorce can become masters at manipulation as they try to adapt to their new normal.  They begin to work the parents against each other to meet their own needs. They make comments like, “I wished I lived with dad!”  “Mom doesn’t make us do this.” “You’re mean, you’re always on my case.” Often times, this creates a tension where the child may even demand to leave one parent and go live with the other.  If left unchecked, parents may find themselves with very confused, selfish, and disruptive children who sabotage every environment they enter. In many cases, these children struggle with coping skills and begin to demonstrate these destructive behaviors in a multitude of settings: school, home, teams, etc.  As children of divorce grow into adulthood, we often see them take these same unhealthy patterns into their careers and future relationships. They sabotage them with the same destructive behaviors, and the cycle continues.

How do we stop the insanity?  First, let me state up front, divorce is typically not good and frequently involves a great deal of hurt in all directions.  Husbands and wives should do everything possible to avoid divorce by working towards reconciliation and healing of the marriage.  

However, if someone has already found themselves in a divorce situation, here are some essentials to successfully parenting children to become well-adjusted and healthy adults.   

1. Time needs to be equally split between both parents.  Many divorces place the children with one parent a majority of the time while the other receives visits and weekend sleepovers.  This may be convenient, but research has proven it to be detrimental to children and even parents. https://www.statnews.com/2017/05/26/divorce-shared-parenting-children-health/

2. Put feelings aside and focus on raising the children.  I know this is easier said than done when emotions are charged and there has been lots of hurt and betrayal.  But, if parents want to start healing and provide the best parenting possible for their children, they have to dig deep and swallow their pride. They must put aside the hurt feelings and start cooperating with the other parent.  

3. This is not about you.  It is about your children! Just as a couple would discuss how to handle various situations concerning their children if they were married, a divorce couple needs to work hard to have these same discussions after divorce.  

4. Privately set ground rules ahead of time. Maybe there are certain topics that need to be off limits due to past issues, but both parents must agree that the welfare of the child is a top priority.  Divorce parents need to set up healthy boundaries for conversations. They will need to keep focused on what is best for the child and keep the other junk off the table.

5. Never talk bad about your “X” around the children.  This is often a selfish way divorced parents try to manipulate the child to see their point of view and jump on their side.  When parents use negative talk to manipulate, they soon find the child mimicking it as well. This will eventually come back to hurt the entire family especially the child. Divorced parents need to stay respectable and civil toward each other regardless of how much they have been hurt.

6. Reinforce what each parent stands for or enforces in their home.  Even if they don’t completely agree, a divorced parent should never undermine the authority and rules of the other parent. Parents will be doing their children a huge favor if things like curfew, privileges, chores, etc are agreed upon and enforced regardless of what house they are in. If parents work hard to find common rules, the child may not like it but they will feel safe and secure no matter what home they are in.

Parenting after divorce is the ultimate lesson in civility. I have seen amazing outcomes when parents make the choice to drop their selfish ways and do what is best for the children.  Doing this creates a multi-generational payoff. Not doing this leads to a multi-generational debt.

These guidelines are so important to the future of the family. If you or someone you know needs help with this process, please contact Rock Solid Families at 812-576-ROCK, or visit our website at rocksolidfamiles.org. We’d love to help!