God is not some kind of heavenly ATM. He’s more interested in the process than the product. He’s more interested in the relationship than the results.
My Top Ten List for Discipline
In my last blog, When Did Discipline Become a Dirty Word?, I promised my top ten list of discipline principles we have used when working with families over the past 30 years. We know these principles work, and we are intentional about applying them in our own home. Yes, they are very common sense, but I think as parents we have made this discipline thing too complicated. Keep it simple. Trust me; my wife and I blow it on a regular basis. But when things get tough in our home, it’s usually because we are not following one of these ten principles. So here’s our Top Ten:
Top Ten List of Discipline Practices:
Be An Authoritative Parent Not An Authoritarian One -Did you even know there was a difference? Authoritative parenting simply means your children know who’s in charge and they trust and respect your leadership. The authoritative parent demonstrates what the family values through a consistent example. Authoritative parents model things like hard work, strong academics, faith, manners, respect, honesty, integrity, etc. You determine your home’s environment, educate, and then reinforce those values in your children. Think of yourself as the captain of the team. The captain leads, and the team follows because they trust the captain. There is peace and order in the home, because the kids know mom and dad have a plan and know how to carry it out. Many parents confuse this with being an authoritarian where there is super high expectation and little freedom and communication. That’s not what we are talking about. That’s more like being a dictator. Remember... Rules without relationship equal rebellion.
Model and Teach Them To Serve Others- You may already be shaking your head because as good as that sounds on paper, your children are still not following your lead. Hang with me. Children come into this world as selfish beings. This selfishness usually begins to rear its ugly head between the ages of 2-3 years old, which is why they call it the “Terrible Twos” If our kids have any chance at all at being well adjusted, successful adults, they must learn how to serve others. When children learn to serve and help others, they learn to live for something bigger than themselves, whether it be their family, team, community, business, etc. When they don’t learn to be good servants, they become selfish individuals that range from being annoying to being dangerous and self-destructive.
Model and Teach Good Character -Often, we think of good character as just having good manners, but it goes far beyond manners. Good character includes: honesty, trust, integrity, work ethic, responsibility, self-control, and resourcefulness just to name a few. Yes, parents should expect these attributes to be enforced at school, but first and foremost, they start in the home. This is best done by modeling it to your children, and then expecting it from them in return.
Model And Teach Respect and Obedience for Authority - Respect for authority is essential in in developing your child’s gifts, talents, skills, and aptitude. If your child is left to think they are in charge and know what’s best, they will fall short of all God has planned for their life. Adults like teachers, coaches, mentors, pastors, police, firemen, etc. have a tremendous opportunity to influence and help our children grow to their fullest potential. That’s only if the child is raised to honor, listen, and learn. The fastest way to lose this positive influence and growth opportunity in your child is for YOU to argue with the authority figures in your child’s life. Disagreeing with teachers, coaches, referees, police, etc. only shows your child disrespect for authority. This is not to say authority figures don’t make mistakes, but it’s still important to always treat them with respect and the benefit of the doubt.
Set Reasonable And Clear Expectations -As a parent, it’s important to let your children know what you expect up front. At the age of two or so, you can begin to let your child know what you expect in your home. Whether it’s to say “please and thank you” or to return a toy back to its proper place. These are things that you must make clear. Otherwise, you will find yourself frustrated when your child doesn’t behave like you think they should. You often will take it as misbehaving, when in fact, you simply have made your expectations clear.
Enforce And Follow Up on Expectations -So often I am asked, what is the best technique for discipline. Is it rewards, spankings, timeouts, remove privileges, chores, etc? Let me be clear, it is not about the technique or consequence you use. The best form of discipline is the one that is effective, safe, and implemented consistently in an age-appropriate way. I have seen positive rewards work and fail. I have seen spankings work and fail. I have seen raising your voice work and fail. My point is this; come to an agreement with your partner on what you are going to enforce. Let your child know what your expectations are, and then enforce those expectations using an effective, safe, and age-appropriate discipline. Most parents believe they are disciplining their child when they are yelling all the time, or telling their child to do something over and over again. If you have to constantly yell or repeat yourself multiple times, you are not using an effective approach to discipline. You may have to change a consequence depending on it’s effectiveness, but your values and expectations should be consistent. Believe it or not, those consistent values and expectations are what gives your child emotional peace and security. Even when they don’t like the consequences.
Talk Less; Act More -We can all fall guilty with this. I can’t tell you how many times I have sat in my office with a student and talked way too much about how to solve a problem. The student would nod as if he understood what I was saying, and I would think “yes, he’s getting it”! Only to have the student walk out of my office and commit the same offense 20 minutes later. Ugh! Bottom line - talk is cheap when it comes to discipline. Lay out your expectations, let the child know what the consequences will be, both good and bad, and then carry them out! If you are telling your child five times to pick up their shoes with no consequences, then you are sending a loud message that you really don’t mean what you say. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Your expectation should be- when I ask you to do something I mean it! Yes, they may not do it the first time, but make sure they experience a consequence if they don’t. This creates a clear expectation, which creates predictability and ultimately results in security for the child.
Follow Up with Love and Encouragement- So often when discipline is taking place, emotions are usually running high. There is often a storm brewing inside the mind of the child, and quite often, inside the mind of the parent. There is anger, fear, anxiety, frustration- you name it. Humans have a difficult time using both the emotional side and the logical side of the brain at the same time. For this reason, when the parent is disciplining, he or she needs to refrain from using too many words. I have been guilty of thinking that the more I talk and explain myself, the more they will understand. WRONG! When the child’s brain is emotionally charged, they are hearing very little of what you are saying. They are just thinking, “oh no, what’s going to happen next?”. So, be of few words, say what needs to be said, then allow a time for emotions to settle. This may be 30 - 60 minutes. Once you have seen the emotions calm, then it is essential for you to follow up with your child. This is when you briefly recap what the discipline was for, and what your expectations will be in the future. This is when you let your child know that you were upset with a specific behavior, but your love for them is unwavering. Once this conversation is finished, do not continue to rehash or throw it back into their face. Let it go and move on!
Encourage And Praise Often - You are your child’s number one fan! You are their first mentor, provider, and encourager. Most every word that comes out of your mouth carries incredible influence in the life of your child. More than buying gifts and material rewards, your child thrives on your honest praise and encouragement. I say honest, because false praise and encouragement can be more detrimental than good. Don’t falsely inflate your child’s self-concept. Yes, they need to be effectively corrected and told when they have done something wrong and ways to improve. Please refrain from giving gifts and rewards for expected behaviors. Your words are so valuable, they mean so much more in the long run than any gift you could give. Make sure to encourage the things you value like their effort, attitude, or sportsmanship.
Never Argue With Your Child -Yes, I said NEVER. When you argue with your child, you send the message that they have the ability to change who you are as the parent and what you stand for. If they feel like they won you over once, you can guarantee they will push back over and over again. Think back for a moment, would you ever even imagined arguing with your parents? As a kid, I was frequently annoyed and upset with my parents, but the idea of arguing with them, especially as a young child, never crossed my mind. I clearly understood they were in charge, and I lived in THEIR house. As a parent, don’t argue or negotiate with your child, until you can trust their value system. Once you trust that they are operating with a similar set of values, then you can allow more back and forth conversation and let them weigh in on different decisions.
In the end, your child needs you to be their leader and encourager. They need to learn from your example. More is caught than ever taught. This top ten list is what we use in our home to develop mental, physical, social, and emotional tools in our children. Research has shown these tools to be essential in growing to be a well-adjusted successful adult. So set the values, goals, and expectations you want for your family, model them in your home, and don’t look back. Our kids are counting on us!
When Did Discipline Become a Dirty Word?
God has such a sense of humor. When Linda and I adopted our three younger kids, we knew we would be jumping back into the world of disciplining children all over again. What we didn’t realize was how much God was going to teach and discipline us. Trust me; I’m no different than the kids. I hate being disciplined.
Parenting and discipline have taken some crazy turns the past 30 years. Over three decades ago, theories on parenting and discipline began to change. Phrases like: “Treat your child like an adult.” Negotiate with your child.” “Don’t scold your child, or it will cause them permanent damage.” “It’s best to raise your child in a child-centered home.” “Your child’s self-esteem is based on how awesome you tell them they are...everyday!” And yes, the now infamous one-”every child deserves a trophy!”
After 30 plus years of this parenting approach, we are now seeing the byproduct - many entitled, self centered men, women, and children. It’s the “Me first. I deserve better. All things must be fair and equal.” trap. This approach to life and to parenting only creates victims and entitled individuals, but I think there is hope on the horizon. I believe the tide is starting to change in our homes.
Parents are slowly realizing that the above approach didn’t work. Many parents are returning to a more common sense, biblical approach to parenting and discipline. Experts are calling this new approach-Growth Mindset. What exactly is Growth Mindset you may be asking? To keep it simple, Growth Mindset is about letting your child struggle and problem-solve. It’s about delaying gratification and ultimately helping your child understand-life is not always fair and easy. It’s about encouraging and disciplining your child to never be a victim, but rather, be a person who learns from both the good and bad in their life. It’s about not “saving” your child from life’s difficulties or inflating them to be something they’re not. Growth Mindset is about strengthening your child through trials, experiences, losses, and wins. It’s about teaching your child the value of self-control, hard-work, and integrity.
As much as we hate to admit it, discipline is the foundation of self-control. Good character, self-control, and working through failure as a child have proven to be the most solid indicators of a well-adjusted, successful adult. As I frequently remind my kids, “I discipline you now, so that hopefully, you will learn to self-discipline later.” None of this is really new. In fact, it’s biblical. For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11. The apostle, Paul, and the writer of Hebrews knew how important discipline was back then and how important it would be to us today.
Like most things in my life, I like to keep things simple. My simple mind and approach to life is what gives me peace, and I want our home to be a “house of peace”. Of course, we have our crazy days like any family does, but our home runs so much smoother if the tension is out and peace is in. Next week, I’ll be sharing my top ten list of things we as parents can do to bring peace into our homes and give our children the discipline and structure they need. Don’t miss it.
Athletics and Kids-At What Cost?
STOP THE INSANITY!
It’s that time of year again. Summer is winding down and fall schedules are getting ready to kick in. Is your house anything like ours when it comes to activities and athletics? My wife, Linda, and I typically find ourselves looking over the family's schedule for the week and both scratching our heads. How in the world did our schedule get so packed?
Now, let me be clear, I am not anti-athletics. In fact, athletics have been a huge part of most of my life. Whether it was participating, coaching, training, or supporting. I love athletics and all they have to offer. But, as parents, I think it's time to have a serious conversation about the priority we put on them. I believe we need to have more dialogue about what athletics and activities are costing our families verses what we get in return.
Before we go any farther, spend a moment to reflect on a few important questions:
1. What do you want for your child with their athletics? (short term, long term)
2. What is that going to cost you, your family, and your child? (time, money, relationships, faith, school, stress, sanity etc.)
3. How much does your child like the sport?
4. How good is your child relative to his peers? (locally, regionally, nationally)
It's best to answer these questions for yourself BEFORE your child gets involved in a sport or activity. Is your goal simply to aid your child’s development? Or is your child aiming for the pros?
Linda and I have set a few ground rules for our family to help us work through this predicament. We are not saying our way is the only way or even the right way. What we are saying is that it is important to put some thought and perspective into what your child’s athletics will cost your family verses what you'll be getting in return.
The ground rules we've set in our home are primarily for athletics and activities BEFORE high school. We understand that as an athlete comes into high school he or she may need to focus on one or two sports in order to develop the skills and conditioning necessary to be competitive. But as parents we've gotten this way out of balance for our younger kids.
Ground Rules for Athletics:
No more than two sport seasons per child per school year. This usually allows for at least one season of downtime for each child. This not only benefits the child with a less chaotic schedule, but also helps Linda and I keep our sanity especially when you have more than one child. This may have to change as the child progresses into high school and they are able to participate without the need for us to transport on a daily basis.
No teams that involve regular or mandatory overnight travel for tournaments and games. This rules out many of the “select” teams for our kids. The cost is just too high not just monetarily but also with time and our other kids. When our kids are traveling over the weekend, they are less likely to attend and be involved in church. We believe in the long run our child will benefit more from his or her’s relationship with Christ and a positive church family, than from any sport. What is valued is protected!
No playing the same sport for more than one season during the school year. Again, this mostly applies for children before they enter high school. Students playing the same sport at a young age comes at an incredibly high cost. Burn-out, injury, loss of interest, etc.. My involvement and study of children in athletics reveals time and time again, that playing the same sport for prolonged seasons does not place your child in a better place for long term success in that sport. In fact, it may lead them to quit the sport prematurely. Variety of activities, use of the body, coaches, teammates, and a variety of skills prove to be more valuable in the long run for our athletes.
If you start the season, you will finish the season. We encourage our kids to try a variety of sports that they show an interest in. We have found that some sports just didn’t end up like they thought they would. Our daughter could not stop talking about running Cross-Country. That sounded great to us! We signed her up, bought the shoes, and started practice! After about two weeks we began to see that her excitement for cross-country was quickly waning. Before you knew it, she said she hated running and wanted to quit. Not so fast girl! You started the team now you need to work on persevering to the end. Wow! This was the best value for a sport that we could have ever given to our girl! What she learned about commitment, positive attitude, hard-work, and working through a daily challenge was priceless! (With that being said, I still don’t think we'll see her on a cross-country team any time soon and that's okay.)
*Obviously, we would make an exception to this rule if we were worried about the care or safety of one of our children. If we believed our child was being hurt by a coach, coaching style, or significant injury, then we would have the discussion on what we believed was in the best interest of our child.
We believe it’s important to encourage our kids to participate, work hard, learn to win, learn to lose, learn to work within a team, and learn the importance of being coachable. We do not want to mislead our kids into thinking they are better than they really are by giving them inflated complements and accolades. No, we really don’t want them to have a trophy, unless they have truly earned a trophy.
We see great value in our kids playing athletics. But in the end, especially with our younger children, it's about keeping them in a healthy balance within the family. For us, we had to weigh their value over their cost to our family. In our family, God, family meals, school, homework, daily chores, and family commitments are valuable things in life we will fight hard to protect.
Sharing God's Truths with our New Teenager
Over the past fourteen years, we’ve reached this milestone three other times with our older sons, but something is different about this time around. This time it’s our little girl turning thirteen-an official teenager I’m finding out the hard way; it’s a whole different story when it’s a girl. She’s been talking about this milestone for over a year and planning for her birthday party for over a month. Photo booth, nail/hair salon, games, twinkle lights, and snack bar were set up way in advance for the big day. She even cleaned the basement weeks ago in hopes that it would stay that way for her birthday sleepover. God knows her brothers never did any of that.
“In this digital age, our children are being bombarded with so many different messages. It’s hard to distinguish truth from lies...”
The world our daughter, Makenzie, is living in today is so different than the world I grew up in or even the ones her older brothers did just 10 years ago. In this digital age, our children are being bombarded with so many different voices and messages. It’s hard to distinguish truth from lies which is why my heart wants to keep her little forever. But I know that’s not possible or healthy. God wants our children to grow in mind, body, and spirit. God wants our children to grow in wisdom and faith. Which is why I feel compelled to share some timeless truths with our daughter as she reaches this important milestone in her life. Maybe you need to be reminded of these truths too.
Happy 13th Birthday, Makenzie! On this big day, I wanted to share some promises with you that are super special to me. Dad and I love you so much and pray for you daily, but there is someone who loves you more than we ever could. Your Heavenly Father is crazy about you and has some special promises for you. I hope you will hide them in your heart forever and cling to them when the enemy tries to trick you with his lies. Makenzie, these are God’s promises to YOU. As a matter of fact, He had you in mind when they were written...
Dear Makenzie,
I am crazy about you! I love you more than you could ever imagine. (Ephesians 3:14-19)
You are fearfully and wonderfully made by me. (Psalm 139:14)
I’m the one who knit you together in your mom’s belly, and I still know every hair on your head. I know exactly how many days I want you here on this earth. Don’t waste any of them. You are a daughter of the King of Kings. (Psalm 139) (Luke 12:7)(John 1:9-14)
I know things are tough at times, but always remember that I can make beautiful things even out of ashes. Be strong and courageous, my daughter. I promise to be with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9) (Isaiah 61:1-3)
You don’t have to be afraid no matter how dark or scary things get. I am always with you. I will never leave you or abandon you. As a matter of fact, I put your mom and dad in your life to take special care of you. They prayed for you long before they knew your name, and I answered their prayers. (Deuteronomy 31:6) (1 Samuel 1:27)
Trust me Makenzie and commit all your plans and ideas to me. Love others the way I love you. When you love others, you love me. If you do it my way; I will keep you on the right path and blow your mind with blessings. (Proverbs 3:5-6) (Psalm 37: 4-5) (Ephesians 3:20-21) (Matthew 22:36-40) (Jeremiah 29:11)
I am a jealous God though and need to be number one in your life. I want to be the one you love more than anyone else in this world.There will be all kinds of guys who will try and steal you away from me. Save yourself for a man who will go through ME to get to YOU. (Revelation 2:4-5) (Exodus 20:5)
Makenzie, find your happiness in things that make ME happy. Don’t chase after things like money, guys or other fun looking “stuff”. None of that will make you truly happy. It will all leave you wanting something more. (Philippians 4:10-13) (1 Timothy 6:6-10)
Keep your guard up and your armor on. Don’t let Satan worm his way in. He’s sneaky and wants you to reject me or even just doubt me. He will try and tell you all kinds of lies.
(2 Corinthians 11:14) (Ephesians 6:10-17)
Remember, with me, all things are possible. (Philippians 4:13)
You don’t have to worry or be afraid. I’ve got your back. (Isaiah 52:12) (Isaiah 41:10)
My Word is truth. Use it as your guide. Hide it in your heart. Speak boldly for me. Always be prepared to give a reason for the hope that you have. (1 Peter 3:15-16) (1 Timothy 3:16) (Hebrews 4:12-13)
And most important never forget how much I love you! I sent my son to die for you. No one can ever take that away. (Romans 5:8) (Romans 8:37-39)
Love,
God
My Journey with Anxiety and Depression
DISCLAIMER
“Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open to you.”
I’m not a doctor or psychiatrist so I’m not in the business of diagnosing others with mental illnesses. This is my own personal journey with anxiety and depression. My prayer is that something I’ve learned or experienced during the darkest period of my life can help someone else. My hope is to shine a light into what I experienced and bring comfort and help to you or someone you love.
HISTORY
Early in our marriage, I began having panic attacks. At the time, I had no idea what they were. A heart attack? Stress symptoms and hypertension? Some kind of brain tumor? I just knew something wasn’t right. I even landed in the emergency room on a couple of occasions. After daily struggles for over a year with no clear answers, my last panic attack left me talking with my doctor in a desperate tone of “I can’t live this way anymore”!
A year after my first panic attack, I finally began to get the help and counsel I needed. I became educated on anxiety and depression, mental illnesses, medications, support groups, and therapy. In my role as a school counselor, I had a significant amount of education to help others, but I wasn’t sure how to help myself.
“In my role as a school counselor, I had a significant amount of education to help others, but I wasn’t sure how to help myself.”
Now, I was on a medically monitored path to mental health. I began to feel like my old self. I began to regain my energy and focus. I began running and exercising again. I started to hang out with family and friends again and stopped avoiding social situations. The most life-changing thing I did during this difficult season was surrender my life to Christ. I had heard that phrase "surrender my life" many times, but it now hit home for me personally. The fight against this illness was one that I was losing. The more I tried, the more I failed. It was not until I dropped to my knees and said, “Lord, I need you” that I experienced true freedom! The battle was no longer just mine. I now felt like I had the Navy SEALS dropping in to aid me in my battle.
The journey to strong mental health has been life long. I have actively treated and lived with anxiety and depression for over 27 years. Here are a few of my takeaways that I would like to share with others in the hopes that they may get help or be able to help someone else with a similar story.
LESSONS I LEARNED
Anxiety and depression are normal feelings and experiences of the human condition, but how do you know when your level of anxiety or depression is beyond the normal range? There are many screeners available that you can take online. While these screeners may not be medically supervised, they can begin to point you in the right direction. If you score in the “at risk” or “high” range, it probably just confirms what you already suspected. An “at risk” score may prompt you to visit your doctor or begin sharing your concerns with someone else. A close friend or spouse can be a great sounding board or listening ear, but they are obviously no substitute for a medical professional.
Anxiety and depression can be situation-based, hereditary, or a combination of the two. As I look back on my anxiety, I see that mine was a combination of the two. I can see a very clear path of situational anxiety dating back into my childhood. At the time, I didn’t understand what a normal level of anxiety was, so I just thought my feelings were normal. Extreme anxiety before sporting events, getting sick the first couple of days of school, nausea and diarrhea when the spotlight was on me, avoidance of social situations or being around lots of people, etc. Outside of these times, my life seemed very normal. For this reason, most people around me did not really see me struggling. Only close family knew how anxious I would get. By the time I was in high school, I was pretty good at keeping my anxiety at bay. I knew how to avoid the situations and conflicts that were most likely to cause me the greatest amount of trouble.
By the time I was in my late twenties, something changed. I could no longer predict the situations that would prompt my anxiety and now even some depression. I began to struggle with feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, dread, and avoidance. I had a loss of focus, energy, and even physical strength and body temperature. I was feeling cold even when everyone else was not. Now, it seemed, my anxiety was taking on a different level. I was experiencing anxious symptoms in times when I logically could not think of why I should be anxious. One of the things that became very noticeable to me was frequently waking up in the middle of the night in either a full sweat or even to the point of vomiting. I went to bed feeling okay, but something would trigger a full blown anxiety storm, while I was in the middle of sleep. Not a good way to wake up! Yes, many situations would still trigger my anxiety, but frequently I could not tell you what prompted my symptoms. In hindsight, this was a warning sign that I wished I would have had help understanding earlier than I did.
“Whether it’s therapy, faith, medicine, or a combination of the three, you do have options.”
Anxiety and depression do not have to completely wreck your life and turn you into a social recluse. In the midst of my worst days, I began to think this was the way life was going to be from now on. That thinking created a negative feedback loop in the sense that my bad anxiety produced symptoms that then produced more anxiety, which then lead to more symptoms, and so on. The idea that this may never stop can be frightening and even paralyzing. Once I began to learn and even experience relief from these symptoms, hope began to grow back into my life. The strength to confront a phobia, the energy to participate in an activity that I once enjoyed, the sense of pleasure and laughing, and the desire to see familiar friends and family all reemerged. These are all very possible goals, and I encourage others to not lose sight of getting these things back into your life. Whether it’s therapy, faith, medicine, or some combination of the three, you do have options.
Do not deny your genetics. As I began to accept that I may have a mental illness. I started to examine my family history. It did not take long for me to realize that my mom’s side of the family was riddled with anxiety. My mom was challenged with it on a daily basis. My grandma was very anxious and her sister also was anxious to the point of seldom leaving her house. My uncle was in and out of jobs and simply could not handle the stress of daily work. Here is my point. Anxiety and depression that goes beyond “normal” is often hereditary. It is common to trace mental illness throughout a family tree. If you notice this, then please do not deny it. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression and have a family history of it, then there is a good chance that you may have a biological rather than just a situational component to your condition.
My last take away is just a word of encouragement. Part of my upbringing included parents that always encouraged my siblings and I to take risk, go after your dreams, never be afraid of making mistakes, and be quick to learn from the mistakes you make. I want to encourage the same to all of you. You have a choice to make concerning how you will handle all of the stresses in your life. You can either beat yourself up and fall victim to the situation, or you can see it as an opportunity for learning and growth. You most likely will not find a quick fix, but you may find comfort in small victories. Allow those small victories to be celebrated and used as motivation to continue on to better mental health. Reach out to someone today for help. Do not throw in the towel! There is HOPE!
“Reach out to someone today for help. Do not throw in the towel! There is HOPE!”
