Ever have this at your dinner table? You spent a long time preparing a great meal only to have your child turn her nose up at it. She pouts and shouts and refuses to eat until you finally give in and let her eat whatever she wants out of the fridge.
Negotiation is a great thing when it is done correctly. Over my years of working with others, I’ve had many opportunities to walk through the negotiation process. Early on, I realized that for me to even think about entering into this process, several key understandings and beliefs had to be in place between the involved parties. If they were not, it was better to not even entertain the process. Negotiations will only stand a chance at being successful if the process is standing on the following pillars:
Mutual Respect
Trust
Good Faith and Intent
Understanding and Belief in the Process
Shared Values
Whether it be purchasing a car or a house. Interviewing for a job, or settling a business deal. Negotiations can be very rewarding and successful when they stand on the above pillars. Without these, the process will at best, fall short, at worst, be disastrous and potentially harmful and costly to the involved parties.
So what does all of this have to do with negotiating with your child? Over the years, I’ve had many discussions with parents about negotiating with their children. I’ve even had several cases in which parents were impressed that their elementary aged child was becoming a skilled negotiator. They seemed to applaud the process. Often, they would state something to the effect of, “Hey, in my world, learning to be a strong negotiator is a valuable skill. Someday, it may make them a lot of money!”
Yes, there may be some truth to this, but here is my opinion on negotiating with a child. I would never want to negotiate with someone that did not work from the pillars previously mentioned: Mutual Respect, Trust, Good Faith/Intent, Understanding/ Belief in the Process, and Shared Values. With that being said, I strongly encourage parents to avoid negotiating with their young children. Why you may ask? Let’s look at the typical child. Now, this isn’t meant to be mean or ill-spirited, but rather, truthful. Our kids are born and quickly develop into selfish beings. If you don’t believe me, go hang around a 2 - 3-year old for about 30 minutes. The terrible twos are terrible because the child has become aware of themselves and how they interact with the world. Their little brains are excited to think about things they want and finding ways to execute getting those things...at any and all cost! Tantrums, crying, sibling rivalry, and attempts at negotiating are just part of a young child’s day.
Our young children are not bad or evil for thinking of themselves first but do not be fooled. Children are by their nature, selfish. It is a very abstract thought process to step outside of your own thoughts and desires and think about what someone else might be feeling or thinking. This process is slowly learned, and the brain has to develop and mature just to be capable of doing such thinking.
You may be asking…why don’t you trust your kids? My response is simple…I do not trust them YET! Trust is something that must be developed and grown. Trust occurs when people are working from a respected and shared value system. A child doesn’t know what is valued in a relationship until they are old enough to understand how a relationship works? I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to work with thousands of kids. What I know to be true is that no matter how good that child is, they simply are not ready for high level or abstract thinking An elementary age child is still learning how to interact with others and how to combat the selfish tendency hardwired into all of us.
Watching kids on the playground is a perfect example. You will see them argue and bicker back and forth to the point that sometimes just seems cruel. This cruelty comes out simply because a child is acting like a child, selfish. They want what they want no matter what you want.
So, as part of the process of becoming a well adjusted and successful adult, we learn to temper our selfish hard wiring and develop important relationship tools such as empathy, understanding, and effective communication. These skills may not seem difficult on the surface, but I believe it is the reason for much of the conflict in our world today. Politics, business, marriage, parenting, etc…, trouble comes when we revert back to our selfish tendencies and presume our way is the only way.
So, let me suggest that we don’t negotiate with our children until they have learned the following:
Mutual Respect
Trust
Good Faith and Intent
Understanding and Belief in the Process
Shared Values
The way kids learn and understand these essential pillars of negotiation is by first teaching them the tools of empathy, understanding, and effective communication. This can be more difficult for some children than others. As the parent, you want to teach these skills and then help them understand how they build strong and healthy relationships. So, if you want your children to grow up to be successful and well-adjusted adults, please do not spend your time negotiating with them. Rather, spend your time teaching and encouraging your children to understand the value of valuing others. Once you begin to have confidence in their ability to value others, then you will find yourself being more comfortable entering into the negotiation process. Not only will this help your children, but it will help all the people your children come into a relationship with as an adult. I don’t know about you, but I would call that a Win-Win DEAL!