Pleasure over Pain, Please!

How comfortable are you with uncomfortable conversations? How well do you handle stressful situations? Do you find yourself avoiding your boss at work, because he seems to only point out your flaws, rather than acknowledge what you’ve successfully accomplished? When situations get serious, do you tend to crack a joke to break the uneasy tension? How often do you scroll aimlessly through social media or binge watch a television series to escape reality? Of course we’d much rather receive praise over criticism, laugh instead of cry, and distract ourselves rather than ruminate on our daily stressors. Given the choice, we would choose comfort over discomfort every time. 

It’s a No-Brainer
Pleasure over pain, please! Oh the things we do to protect ourselves from feeling discomfort. This is such an innate reaction for us that we don’t even realize how often we are doing it.  Everyday we combat distressing thoughts and feelings through defense mechanisms. A defense mechanism is an unconscious means to decrease internal stress. We don’t even have to think about it, our brains just activate into protection mode. The limbic system plays a major role in this, which involves the part of our brain responsible for behavioral and emotional responses, especially when it comes to our survival instincts, such as fight or flight. We are literally wired to protect ourselves. 

Formed from Emotional Wounds
Although we all have this innate reaction to defend ourselves, the more emotional wounds we’ve endured, the stronger our defenses become. When experiencing frequent or repeated emotionally distressing events, defenses can become really strong in order to protect from feeling emotional discomfort or pain. Think of it as building this brick wall around your heart or wearing full body armor like a knight. You’ve been emotionally hurt to the point you refuse to let anyone or anything even have the chance to cause you pain. 

For individuals who have experienced a lot of hurt or loss, especially throughout their early childhood, defense mechanisms can become so hardwired that they present themselves in situations we rationally do not need defending. It’s as if our brain perceives a “threat” that actually isn’t there. An example of this would be if you’ve experienced abandonment in your past and you start to avoid your friend who hasn’t spoken to you in a few weeks. In reality, your friend has been busy with a new job, however your past abandonment wounds perceive she is leaving you, so your defenses come up to protect from the possibility of getting hurt. Although defense mechanisms initially serve to protect us, over time they can create major barriers in our relationships and hinder our personal growth. Ultimately, continuing to live from our defense mechanisms may be hindering our relationship with God and living out the life He intended for us. 

How to Let Your Guard Down
Awareness is key. We can’t change something if we aren’t aware it exists. What are common defense mechanisms you may be using? Avoidance, distraction, deflection, denial, or humor? Click HERE to check out our handout of defense mechanisms and see which ones stand out to you. Once you’ve identified your go-to defenses, be curious why these defenses are coming up for you. What are you attempting to protect yourself from?  What emotions are you feeling when these defenses arise? Are there emotional wounds you haven’t dealt with yet? 

If you are thinking to yourself right now, “Psh, I don’t have any emotional wounds”, I gently encourage you to reference the “denial” defense mechanism; Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world and we ALL have been hurt at some point in our lives. After you’ve identified your defenses and start to uncover where they stem from, I encourage you to seek trusted support to process through your emotional wounds. The world teaches us that being emotional is a weakness. “Suck it up and move on.” The truth is, until we allow ourselves to sit with our emotions and process through them, they will continue to control us.

From Defensive to Defended
This fallen world has wired us to defend ourselves, but this isn’t the life God intended for us. God is our defender, shelter, shield, and our rock. The Lord guards our hearts and our minds (Philippians 4:7). We are hidden in Him (Colossians 3:3), and we are more than conquerors through Him (Romans 8:37). We aren’t meant to carry our burdens (Psalm 55:22), and we aren’t supposed to fight this battle on our own (Deuteronomy 3:22). “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still” (Exodus 14:14). I want to encourage you to take off the armor you’ve created from the hurts of this world, and put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6). Seek His help and comfort in times of distress, and allow Him to heal your emotional wounds of the past.

When Comfortable Becomes Painful

As I write this article, it is a windy and rainy thirty-five degree afternoon. Earlier today, I was driving up the interstate thinking to myself, “today would be a perfect day to find a recliner and take a long nap.”  You have to admit; days like these just have the couch screaming your name. Sometimes, there is nothing better than being warm and comfortable with no immediate responsibilities. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? 

But what if there was such a thing as getting TOO comfortable!  On the surface, comfort seems like a legitimate and worthy goal.  After all, many of us work in order to make our lives more comfortable. The house we buy. The car we drive. The food we eat.  The clothes we wear, and the list goes on and on. Often, we can become so motivated to secure our comforts that we lose sight of a greater purpose in life. 

How can comfort lead us to pain?  This seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?  Isn’t comfort the absence of pain? I don’t know about you, but when my back is aching it’s pretty tough for me to get very comfortable. It’s not that comfort creates pain, but rather, comfort often leads to complacency which leads to pain.  It is in our complacency that we begin to find ourselves letting life pass us by. We become so comfortable that we don’t want to take the next risk. We’re afraid to challenge ourselves to do something that is difficult even though it may lead to greater rewards.  

We all seek a level of comfort.  Comfort allows us to rest, rejuvenate, and replenish our resources.  Comfort is like the “rest day” from the gym. Research shows that the rest day is just as important as the work day when it comes to being fit and getting stronger. The rest day allows the body to rebuild after being broken down.  It provides the opportunity for your energy levels to be restored. Rest provides a mental freshness and gives you the boost to go out and live another day! Comfort is important just as rest is important, however, we also know that too much rest can make us weak and frail.  If we have too much rest, we lose the ability to function physically and mentally as sharply as we are capable. Excessive rest leads to deterioration of the body. “If you don’t use it, you lose it!” This isn’t anything new. This is information that has been scientifically researched and verified for many years.  

“When comfort is the end goal, it actually becomes a trap.”

— Merrill Hutchinson

Comfort that leads to complacency also leads to deterioration-deterioration of a quality of life that we were capable of. Complacency prevents us from living our lives to its fullest potential.   When comfort is the end goal, it actually becomes a trap.  Living a life of passion and purpose means we will often be pulled into periods of discomfort.  If your goal is comfort, taking risks and setting big goals are usually not something you seek out. Risk, by its very nature, means you are subjecting yourself to discomfort. The important part that we often lose sight of is the correlation between risk and reward. Yes, risk may lead me into discomfort, but, if it is approached with a greater reward in mind, then it may become worth the risk.  Let’s be clear, this is not about making impulsive decisions based on our current mood or feelings. If the discomfort is going to be endless or downright damaging, then the risk may not be worth it. I say “may not”, only because we have seen many military and first responders take a risk that took their life or left them with permanent damage. I would argue that they fully believed that the risk they took was worth it. Thank God for their willingness and courage to walk away from comfort!     

What motivates you?  What is your purpose?  What are your gifts and talents?  If comfort is your top priority then I can guarantee you are on the fast track to complacency.  You will soon lack motivation, purpose, and the development and use of your gifts and talents. The end result is living a life of “what could have been”.  

Getting a little uncomfortable is what helps create the drive to move forward and live a life of no regrets.  My dad had a regular saying that he barked out to us kids as we were growing up. “Do something, even if it’s wrong!” These have been incredible words to live by as they have helped to create a meaningful and adventurous life.  My dad’s point was that you need to get ready to make mistakes, get uncomfortable, and get a little dirty in this thing called life. You will never know what could have been, if you are not willing to try.  

So, what does this type of pain look like when we get complacent, and how is it harmful? Often, it is not physical in nature.  Rather, it usually manifests itself as emotional or relational pain or in other words, a feeling of regret! It’s those unfulfilled dreams and unresolved problems we never tackled or pursued. This is where we see older folks begin to reflect on what could have been as they enter into the winter season of life.  I often think about the difference between a grumpy and happy old man. We all know older folks that fall into both camps. What’s behind their mindset?  

I believe a happy old man is one that believes his life has been rich and full of purpose.  He has lived a full life using his gifts and talents making a positive impact on this world.  On the other hand, I believe the grumpy old man is one who sees his life as a series of missed opportunities.  Often, he feels stuck with no way for life to get any better. Complacency has a terrible way of stealing your joy and taking away your fight. 

The grumpy old man is in terrible pain-pain in the realization that this is all his life has amounted to.  This emptiness is among the most painful things a person can endure. No body desires to live a meaningless life.  But when you evaluate your life in its later stages and cannot draw meaning and value from the way you have lived, you are left to think, “Is this all there is?”

A meaningful life well lived is one that often puts you in the cross hairs of discomfort and sacrifice. It is one that sometimes puts comfort at a distance. It allows for an itch that must be scratched.  It takes a willingness to make a few mistakes and get a little uncomfortable.  Are you on the road to being a grumpy old man or a happy one? The choice is yours to make. Make today the day you get out of your comfort zone and on the road to no regrets!

To hear more on this subject, check out Merrill and Linda’s recent podcast on Rock Solid Radio. Rock Solid Radio is also available on Spotify, IHeart Radio, Apple and Google Podcasts.