What's the Hurry? The Importance of Delaying the Smartphone with our Children

If you’re over the age of 30, then you’re most likely in the same boat we are, adults who did not grow up with a smartphone in their pocket. As a matter of fact, as parents of five children ranging from ages 30 to 13, we didn’t even have this issue when our two oldest sons were growing up. Smart phones were just coming out and the peer pressure to have one was minimal. No one expected parents to put a $1000 mini computer into the hands of an immature, squirrely middle schooler. That would be a ridiculous notion. 

The Pressure to Give In
Our world today, however, looks at smartphones very differently. When we adopted our three youngest in 2015, we were shocked at the expectations they had when it came to smartphones. For many kids, phones equal love and popularity.  Now, parents feel this overwhelming pressure to hand their elementary age child a smartphone or smartwatch with an unlimited data plan, so that they can fit in and be accepted by their peers. Parents rationalize the need saying it’s to “get a hold of the child”, when in reality they are most likely around an adult or older teen who has one. If they were being completely honest, most parents generally give in to a smartphone at an early age for one or two reasons: 1. They don’t want their child to be ostracized or left out among their peers. 2. They don’t want to look like the neglectful parent who doesn’t love their child or can’t afford one.

Critical Stages of Development
At Rock Solid Families, we recommend parents push past that pressure of instant gratification and delay putting a smartphone into the hands of a child at least until the age of 14 or the 8th grade. There is so much data and so many experts who agree with us. Research tells us minimizing the use of screens and delaying the onset of smart devices helps our children mature and develop physically, emotionally, and logically. A child’s prefrontal cortex is in the critical stages of development in elementary and early teen years, and screens do nothing but stunt and rewire that healthy growth. Are you dealing with immature outbursts, an increased level of anxiety or depression, or disrespectful backtalk? Chances are screens are playing a part in what you’re seeing.

Wait Until 8th
So mom and dad, join the thousands of other parents who have decided that they will delay the smartphone until their child is emotionally ready to handle what’s coming across it. Tell your children NOW you are setting a healthy boundary as their parents.  If you’re interested in learning more, there is even a non-profit organization called waituntil8th.org that gives more resources and research to support this healthy boundary for our children.

If You Loved Me
When our three youngest were adopted and moved into our home, they were ages 11, 10 and 7. It was the hardest for the older two, because they already had many peers with smart phones in their pockets. They begged and pleaded for us to give them one. Our 10 yr old daughter even went around telling her classmates that her “new mommy” was going to buy her the latest iPhone 7. My heart broke at her distorted view of what real love looked like.  

Set the Boundaries Now
It took a while for our youngest three to realize that it is because we DO love them that we’re going to wait to give them a smartphone. It’s not really a discussion in our home anymore. The boundary has been set. The expectations have been laid out. As our youngest son enters the 8th grade this year, he knows that the possibility of having a phone begins, but it’s not a guarantee. It’s a privilege and freedom that we take very seriously. The decision to give him a smartphone will come NOT when the world tells us to, but when we feel as parents it’s the right time for him. 

Join us for week 2 of our Rock Solid Radio series I Want it Now as we unpack the instant gratification of phones and entertainment today. 

Click HERE to view this week’s podcast

Click HERE to listen to this week’s podcast

Blissful Ignorance - Story of Dale and Marie

When I first met with Dale and Marie for their premarital counseling a few years ago, they were like most young, engaged couples planning their wedding... so in love and so ready to get this over with. The premarital counseling that is, so they could get to the “good stuff”. During our premarital sessions, we spent time learning important communication and conflict resolution tools. We talked about taking the time to build a marriage on a firm foundation and the storms that may come after they say “ I do”. You know storms like infertility and infidelity. Things that can punch you in the gut and take your breath away like cancer or COVID.   Back then, neither one really thought they needed to worry about storms. After all, they were in love. That was until their marriage hit an iceberg at the end of last year and started to sink. 

Not Good
Both admit things had not been good for the past 18 months since their little one was born.  They would have petty fights that were never resolved - just brushed under the rug. Marie was distracted by her new role as a young new mom while Dale started to look elsewhere for some time and attention. That’s what Marie saw growing up. Conflict was never shown in her home, just minimized and ignored until her dad was caught in a 10 yr affair and her parents’ marriage ended after more than 25 years. So when Marie caught Dale in a 9 month affair just a couple years into their marriage, she braced for the worst. 

Painful Tears
It didn’t come easy nor without a lot of painful tears, but I’m thankful to report Dale and Marie are still together and stronger than they’ve ever been before. There was no quick fix for the pain, but both were patient and trusted God to do something new in their marriage. Dale and Marie now realize that their thinking before they got married was no more than “blissful ignorance”. Quickly after they said “I do”, they got distracted by the busyness of being new working parents and let their guard down. They got impatient with each other and stopped working on the most important relationships in their life - their relationship with Christ and their marriage. We’re no good to our kids when those two things are not our top priorities. 

Rebuilding Trust
After being confronted with the affair, Dale completely owned his unfaithfulness to Marie and took the necessary steps to regain her trust again. He was transparent and patient with her as different triggers brought her past back into the present. Dale and Marie have done the hard work to rebuild trust and they now have safeguards in their marriage to prioritize and protect it. When I asked Dale and Marie what has now made the biggest difference in their marriage, these are the safeguards they wanted to share:

Marriage Safeguards

1. Seek professional help BEFORE you turn to someone or something else. Don’t do what Dale did. Get help sooner. There is HOPE and HELP available. Don’t let money be the reason why you don’t seek help sooner. Rock Solid Families is a ministry first. They will never turn anyone away due to someone’s inability to pay. 

2. Involve God in your relationship and your healing. His word teaches us how to forgive and trust again. Worship and pray together. That has made an eternal difference for Dale and Marie.

3. Take a timeout when things get heated, but make sure conflict gets resolved. Dale and Marie now understand the importance of resolving conflict and NOT letting things get brushed under the rug. 

4. Go to bed together if at all possible. If you are always too busy or too tired to sleep in the same bed at the same time, that’s a red flag of a deeper issue.

5. Billy Graham Rule. Protect your marriage from any outside temptation. Don’t drive, dine or have personal private conversations with someone of the opposite sex. This safeguard would have saved Dale and Marie a lot of heartache. 

Stronger Than Ever
In our last session together, Dale and Marie were giddy sitting in my office holding hands talking about the new memories they were excited to create as a family. I am so proud of them and how hard they both worked to rebuild trust in their relationship. No more blissful ignorance for Dale and Marie. They now see the importance of having safeguards and intentionally protecting their marriage from the storms of life. They give God all the glory for where their marriage is today and thank Him for how he used one of the most painful experiences in their life to make them stronger than ever before. 

Gender Confusion and our Children

 Gender Confusion is one of the most difficult and emotionally charged topics families are facing today. Children and adults are being bombarded with waves of conflicting messages coming at them from all sides. Many children and adolescents are confused about their gender identity not knowing what to believe and who to trust in. In this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio, we tackle the topic from a biblical worldview using God’s Word to inform and guide our discussion. In a storm of emotions and personal opinions, we look to the anchor of God and His Word for direction. He is our hope! (Hebrews 6:19)

 This conversation is intended to be truthful, respectful, and loving toward all parties involved regardless of what they say or believe. That’s what Jesus would do. That’s how he handled conflict and those who disagreed with him. Jesus always spoke the truth in love and did it with gentleness and respect. He asks us to treat people, even those who disagree with us, the same way.

I beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God.  Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. Ephesians 4:1-3

 What is your family using as their anchor in this raging storm? There are so many different opinions that are competing for your child’s attention when it comes to sex and gender. It’s important that we model our relationships and fix our eyes on the one who can calm the storm.

 Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth.   Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.  Ephesians 4: 14-15

 We hope you will join us for this important discussion on this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio. Maybe gender confusion isn’t something you are dealing with in your family, but most likely you will know someone who is. Be prepared. Get informed. Prayerfully discern now how you will respond if someone ever confides in you. The world is watching.  Will they see Jesus in us?

Click HERE to view the entire Rock Solid Radio episode on Gender Confusion and our kids.

Click HERE to listen to the entire Rock Solid Radio podcast on Gender Confusion and our kids.

Grace over Disgrace-A Lesson in Cancel Culture

It’s hard to find a program on TV anymore that’s appropriate for your whole family to watch, and if you have teenagers like we do, it may be even tougher to find one you can all agree on. For us, American Idol has been one of the few shows we’ve enjoyed as a family over the years. The popular talent show gives our family lots of conversation opportunities about talent, pride, humility, modesty, etc.  Recently, the show gave us the perfect opportunity to talk about cancel culture and how it could very well affect them someday. 

A Rising American Idol Star

If you’re not an American Idol fan, let me set the stage. Three celebrity judges scan the countryside every year for the next singing super star, with thousands of auditions occurring over a span of several months. Then it moves into the live shows where the nation gets to vote, narrowing their picks down week after week until the next American Idol is crowned.  This year our kids were excited about a young 16 yr old country star named Caleb Kennedy who really wowed everybody with his deep country voice.  He was doing well week after week making it to the top five, until his world came crashing in. 

A Costly Mistake

According to his own statement on Instagram, a snapchat video resurfaced back when he was 12 years old showing him sitting next to someone wearing a white hood. Because of one snapchat video (that kids mistakenly think always disappears) sitting next to someone in a white hood when he was 12 years old, Caleb’s dreams of becoming the next American Idol have been flushed down the toilet. Raise your hand if you think Caleb’s actions warranted him being kicked off the show? 

Navigating this Toxic Culture

But that, my friends, is what cancel culture is doing to our world today. American Idol and ABC are not going to stand behind their rising star in this racially charged climate we live in right now. They don’t want to touch that hot button topic with a ten foot pole. You and I are reading stories like this every day in our daily newsfeed and they offer some important lessons for us all. As parents, how can we help our kids navigate this toxic culture we live in today? How can we use stories like Caleb Kennedy to help our kids succeed in the future?  Here are some important things we have been talking about as a family in our home.

Lessons for us all

1. Digital Footprint- Have you ever googled your name and checked out your digital footprint? What can people find out about you or your children at the click of a button? Our kids especially need to understand that people in their life like teachers, coaches, colleges, employers, etc WILL judge them by the digital footprints they leave behind. Fair or not, just like Caleb found out, our digital footprint matters. Even if your child has no social media or digital devices of their own, they are around others who do. What are they saying and doing that they would someday regret if captured or shared? Have those kinds of conversations now with your kids before it’s too late. As a parent, it’s also important that we don’t give kids devices and forms of media they are not emotionally ready to manage. 

2. Love and Respect- As we talked about on our recent podcast, we agree with the premise of cancel culture and the importance of treating everyone with love and respect regardless of who they are or what they’ve done. Teach your children now to love and respect not only other people but themselves as well. Our words, actions, and attitudes DO matter and WILL affect our future.

3. Grace over Disgrace- At the end of the day, Caleb Kennedy learned a costly but valuable lesson on American Idol. Whether you agree with what happened or not, the reality is this: none of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes. This teenager’s  actions from four years ago may have cost him an American Idol title, but it doesn’t define who he is or who God created him to be. Despite what our society is saying in this cancel culture environment we are living in today, grace still trumps our disgrace. God offers us new mercies every day. He loves us despite our mistakes and that’s how he has asked us to love ourselves and others. Not because we are perfect or better than anyone else, but because of who Christ is and the price he has already paid for us on the cross. 

GRACE OVER DISGRACE...That’s the message we need to continually speak to our kids. 

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8

For more on cancel culture and our family…Listen to this episode of Rock Solid Radio by clicking this link. https://www.buzzsprout.com/636718/8578966-rock-solid-radio-cancel-culture-and-your-family-episode-135

Watch this episode of Rock Solid Radio by clicking this link 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnz94AN0e-U

Man Caves and She Sheds

Would Jesus Have a Man Cave?
If Jesus was alive today, do you think he would have a Man Cave? You probably have never thought about this before, but would he?  You won’t find any specific references of Jesus’ man cave in the Bible, but if you dig a little deeper you will find Jesus seeking out what people long for in a man cave or she shed-a place of peace.  There are so many men and women who seek a place where they can collect their thoughts and unwind from the stresses of the day.  Jesus frequently did the same thing leaving the crowd or chaos and seeking a quiet place to pray.  

A Place of Peace is Important
Like Jesus, we need to take time to take care of ourselves and find that place of peace. We need to have healthy habits and routines in our day to nourish and rest our mind, body, and soul.  For this reason, it is no wonder that the terms She Shed and Man Cave have come to be.  Essentially, these are places where we can seek peace and connect with our thoughts.  These terms may be somewhat new, but the concept is not.  A She Shed may be a literal shed in the back yard or a quiet room in the house.  It’s a place where women like to go and escape from the noise of life.  Maybe she gardens, does crafts, artwork, or just reads.  The point is she finds a time and place to rebuild and take care of herself.  As for the Man Cave, maybe it’s a workshop, garage, home gym, or a barn to hang out in.  Maybe it is an office space where you retreat to.  Whatever the case, men desire a place to rejuvenate as well.  

Moderation is Critical
Man Caves and She Sheds can be good things, but when used for the wrong reason or without moderation, they can become a negative thing for the family. For example, when dad comes home from work instead of going into the house to interact with the family, he immediately retreats to his shop.  He has the shop set up with the basics such as snacks and drinks, maybe even a tv and bathroom.  This set up sounds good to many of us, but it may very well be detrimental to the relationship with his wife and kids.  A fully furnished man cave leaves little reason for a husband or dad to ever have to interact with his family.  Often, you’ll see the other spouse start to complain and resent their spouse’s little hideaway. 

The idea of a Man Cave or She Shed may sound good on the surface, but be careful why and when it is used.  At Rock Solid Families, we see couples running and hiding from each other on a regular basis.  They avoid interaction with each other due to years of poor communication and conflict resolution skills. Hurt, resentment, and hardening of the heart build until one or the other spouse starts to believe the marriage is beyond repair. 

Communication is Key
Man Caves and She Sheds can serve a valuable purpose in our mental or physical health, but if the marriage and your communication are not solid, then it is likely that these places of refuge are doing more harm than good.  Do yourself a favor, tend to the marriage and family and you will find your Man Caves and She Sheds far more rewarding and enjoyable for everyone in the family.   

Click HERE to listen to the full episode of Man Caves and She Sheds

Click HERE to watch the full episode of Man Caves and She Sheds

How Are You Using Your Gifts?

Are you living with magnanimity?  After a recent interview with Father Meyer from All Saints Parish, we received a lesson on the Rock Solid Radio show on what living with magnanimity means.  It may be best to explain the opposite in order to understand the intended meaning of the word.  The opposite is often what we see more of from people; living minimally.  Meaning we seek to do the least amount in order to get by.  What’s the least amount of studying I can do to pass the class?  What is the least amount of time I can spend at work?  What is the least amount of commitment I can give to my relationships?  What is the least amount I can train for my marathon race?  You get the picture.  It is about living to the lowest level and still getting by.  

Father Meyer challenged us, as well as he challenged all of his athletes and parishioners to not live with a minimalistic attitude, but rather, an attitude of magnanimity.  Meaning we should live to the fullest of our God given abilities.  We glorify God when we use the gifts he has blessed us with and use them to their fullest.  Magnanimity comes from the Latin words, magna = big, and animus = soul, yes, “big soul”.  We are called to live with a big soul, or in other words, with a heart and desire to love God and bring glory to his name.  Instead of doing the least amount, how about when you do the things that matter, you do them to your fullest?  

Father Meyer explained how he has taken this virtue on as a way of life.  In doing so, he has made a lifestyle commitment to use his gifts as a coach and mentor.  Not only does he serve the people of his parish, but he immerses himself into the local high school community as a track and cross country coach.  He can also be seen at a great variety of other events around the high school or in the community as he feeds into the next generation of leaders.  So, the next time you are thinking about taking the shortcut, or the easy way out, think about what you are saying to God and what you could be doing for your community. 

To watch the full episode of our interview with Father Jonathan Meyer from All Saints Parish , Click Here

A Broken Marriage Redeemed

It was June 2019 when I got a call from Kim Barth all the way from Georgetown, Ohio. She was calling to set up coaching for her and her estranged husband, Josh. After seven years of marriage, this young couple had been living separate for almost a year but were talking about giving their marriage another try. Making a blended family work was difficult for both Kim and Josh. Married before, both had one child each when they met. Josh’s son and Kim’s daughter were both in second grade at the time and in the same class. After getting married in 2012, this couple quickly found out how challenging it was raising children in a blended family with two totally different parenting styles. The tension in the home only intensified when Kim discovered Josh’s addiction to prescription drugs. Trust was broken and anger ran high as Josh imposed tough rules and high expectations on the whole family that he himself wasn’t willing to follow. 

No Other Way Out?
In April of 2018, Kim had had enough and her and her daughter moved in with her parents in Georgetown, Ohio. After Kim moved out, Josh went into a downward spiral of heavier drug use and reckless choices. In September of 2018, Josh was in a dark place of denial and self pity. The enemy had convinced him there was no other way out than to end his life altogether. That’s when Josh took a gun and put it to his head. Thankfully, God had other plans for Josh Barth that night. Josh may have pulled the trigger, but it was the Lord that lodged that bullet in the chamber and gave Josh another chance at life. That September night was a turning point for this young husband and father. It was the end of his addiction and the beginning of his new life in Christ. Josh made a decision that night. God was in charge of his life, and it was time to get busy living again. 

Restoring What’s Broken
Immediately after his suicide attempt, Josh got away from his old life and moved back to Lawrenceburg to live with his son and dad. Even while divorce papers were still in the works, Josh made the decision to rededicate his life to Christ. He started back to church and began attending weekly Celebrate Recovery meetings. Even if he lost his marriage, Josh knew he could never go back to that side of town and that way of life again. While Josh was working the steps of sobriety, he was also starting the restoration process of his marriage and family. At first, Kim was not “buying what Josh was selling”. Her walls were up because in her mind, “things were too far gone”. Kim and Josh had both been wounded deeply, and a lot of damage had been done to their relationship. Both questioned whether God wanted them back together at all. That’s when Kim called Rock Solid Families.

First Things First
When Josh and Kim walked in the doors of Rock Solid Families, neither one knew how to put God first, marriage second, and children third.  Kim did know one thing for sure; Josh getting clean wasn’t going to be enough. Their marriage needed a complete transformation, and that’s exactly what God gave them.  Healing for Kim and redemption for their marriage came when Kim finally surrendered her life to Christ and learned how to forgive Josh. Kim was baptized and began going to church on her own in Georgetown, Ohio. Kim began making the drive to Harrison, OH every Sunday to attend church with Josh. She began to make the 90 minute drive to meet with Josh at Rock Solid Families, and God began to do great things in this young couples’ life.

Rebuilding Trust
God commands all of us to forgive, but rebuilding trust takes two, so I asked Kim and Josh, recently, how they were able to do that. Both admit they are still are a “work in progress”. They admit they don’t always get it right, but it’s been so much easier doing their marriage God’s way. Kim and Josh turned to God’s Word for direction and started reading scripture together. Kim’s heart began to soften as she saw Josh living out what they were reading. He was not just “talking the talk but walking the walk” as well. Josh admits he had to come clean and change his ways. He had to stop taking the easy way out and be honest even when it was hard. He had to make amends with Kim and the kids and surround himself with accountability and healthy relationships. Both had to learn how to put God first while still making their relationship a priority. 

More Than We Could Ask or Imagine
The apostle Paul tells us in Ephesians 3:20-21, Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Josh and Kim’s story is a living testimony to that truth. Not only has God restored their marriage, but he has brought this family of four together in a way it has never been before. God has also redeemed Josh’ addiction and used it for His glory too. He now serves the Lord in full time ministry working with men coming out of prison and addiction. Josh and Kim’s redemption story reminds us that there is nothing better than building our lives on the rock solid foundation of Jesus Christ. To Him Be All the Glory!

Here Comes the Sun

Here comes the sun! Praise God!

When the album, Abbey Road, hit the airwaves back in 1969, I don’t think the Beatles realized how vividly they would be describing the winter of 2021 with their chart topper, Here Comes the Sun. For many, the past several months have been that “long, cold, lonely winter” that the Beatles described in the song. I don’t know about you, but the line “it seems like years since it’s been here” not only fits the Beatles hit, but the feeling many have about normalcy in our world today.

It’s been tough this past year not gathering with family and friends and celebrating special holidays and life events. Weddings have been postponed or reduced in size. Baby showers and birthday celebrations have been cancelled. I went to my first “drive by” baby shower recently. I’m sad for that new expectant mother unable to celebrate with family and friends. Sporting events have been limited or restricted, and we were all encouraged to not travel and celebrate the holidays in the safety of our own homes. Cabin fever in Southeast Indiana has been at an all time high this past winter, and people are so ready to get out and live life again whether or not the sun is even shining.

Which is why I believe Perfect North Slopes has seen one of their craziest and busiest years yet with their outdoor fun of skiing, snowboarding, and tubing. People are hungry for that community and normalcy. Tim Doll, part of Perfect North Slope’s Operation Team says this about the phenomenon occurring in our community. After many months of feeling cooped up and anxious about their health, we have seen a tremendous response from our guests who are ready for some healthy outdoor recreation. Our observation has been a movement away from larger planned group outings toward smaller family groups. The cool outdoor environment and natural distancing provided by chair lift rides and spreading out over hundreds of acres of snow has provided a much-needed playground for a breath of fresh air.

I am so thankful Perfect North Slopes has seen a record year. They are a vital part of the Southeast Indiana community that provides amazing opportunities not only for our families to enjoy the outdoors safely but also for the thousand teens and adults they employ each year. They also bring a ton of business to our local economy with folks eating in our restaurants, staying in our local hotels, and stopping for gas before or after going home.

So what’s your theme song as we shake off our cabin fever and embrace life again? Like I said before, Here Comes the Sun has been stuck in my head lately. I’m ready for the sun; how about you? I’m ready for life to get back to normal and to start living life again in community with other people. Just the other day, I found myself actually excited when I heard advertising on the radio for a concert event coming to town this summer.

What would your theme song be for this coming spring and summer? Maybe old classic rock isn’t your thing. Maybe you’re a country fan. How about Everything’s Gonna Be Alright by Kenny Chesney? I am so thankful for the people God has put in my life who continue to speak truth and hope even when things look difficult or dark. If you don’t have those kinds of people in your life, it’s time to find them. I love hearing Kenny Chesney sing, “there ain't no doubt it's gonna work out, come on sing it with me.”

Maybe, you're like my old friend Frank who loves his Motown. Maybe your theme song as spring approaches would be Dancing in the Streets by Martha and the Vandellas. You are ready to get out and enjoy life again. I love the line in that song where it says, It’s just an invitation across the nation. A chance for folks to meet. There’ll be laughing, singing, music playing...dancing in the street. Let’s make a commitment right now, that we’ll never take life for granted again. Let’s shake off the past year and live life to the fullest this spring. Call up an old friend and go hiking at the park. Take the kids and head to the playground. Dust off that bike and go for a spin around the subdivision. Get a song in your heart and start dancing again. It’s time!