Battling the Coronavirus Blues

It was a beautiful sunny day last week when my husband grabbed our youngest son and took him for a drive. He had to run an errand and figured it would be a good way to get our 12 yr old out of the quarantined house and away from his two siblings. They were driving down the road with talk radio on listening to the latest information about the Coronavirus and it’s spread. I’m not sure how much my husband was really listening to, but it was enough for our son to say, “Dad, could we listen to something else? Sometimes this Corona stuff is just too much.” 

If we’re being honest, the latest news and updates on COVID-19 are not just too much for weary 12 yr olds; they can be too much for us adults too. At Rock Solid Families, we are seeing an influx of new and old clients call our office this past month or so struggling with this same feeling. It’s just too much for many people, and folks are struggling to find healthy ways to battle the “Coronavirus Blues”. So I wanted to share with you some concrete things you can do today to give you a better tomorrow regardless of what’s going on in the world around us.

1. Limit your exposure to the news and social media. Many of you have turned into Coronavirus junkies reading and listening to every news story and theory out there. It’s way too much. You know this but you still keep listening and scrolling. For that matter, anxiety and depression are directly connected to the amount of time you spend on ANY screen regardless of what you’re watching or reading. That means not binge watching that latest NETFLIX series or scrolling on your phone checking Facebook into the early morning hours. It’s not healthy for you on ANY day, let alone when you are trying to fight the Coronavirus Blues. This goes for our kiddos too. In our house, our TV does not go on until 8 pm when we sit down together to watch a family show, and our teens are limited to just a couple hours of screen time a day on their phones. They may not like it, but we know how critical it is for their mental health.

2. Take Care of Yourself. I know you’ve heard this before, but yet you keep ignoring the truth. Your emotional health is DIRECTLY tied to your physical well being. Mind, body, and spirit are all interconnected, so it’s critical, especially during these unsettling times, you get on a healthy routine of eating, sleeping, and exercising. I’m not saying you have to go out and run three marathons, but it does mean getting outside when you can walking or riding that bike that’s been sitting in the garage for six months. I hear folks say all the time. I know I’m depressed, but I don’t want to be on medicine. Great, then do the things that you have control over, so that maybe you don’t have to be. 

3. Connect in a positive way to others. We are relational beings and this time of quarantine and isolation has been tough on everyone especially us extroverts. Get creative and keep connecting in a positive way with those that lift you up, not pull you down. I have two groups of women that I have been video chatting with on a regular basis. It’s been so fun to catch up and laugh with old friends all over the country. We are making time to connect in ways that we didn’t make time for just months ago. I have also found more time to send those things called cards through this thing called the US Postal Service. It’s also been fun to Facetime our children and grandchildren more often passing the time laughing with them. Seize the moment to connect more with those important relationships that may have been neglected before the virus hit. 

4. Practice Kindness. It’s a known fact that serving and giving helps to combat the blues. When we take our eyes off of ourselves and focus on helping someone else, it blesses us. Someone did that to us just the other day in the Dunkin Donuts drive through. Someone paid for our order and my daughter immediately asked if we could “pay it backwards” to the person behind us. Maybe it’s sending a card to your hairdresser anxiously trying to keep their head above water. It doesn’t take a lot of money to practice kindness, and it definitely makes the world a better place.

5. Avoid Guilt or Comparison. Let’s face it. None of us have ever experienced anything like this in our lifetime and there’s no manual on how to navigate the Coronavirus perfectly. We are all trying to figure it out as we go and that includes the local and federal governments. So stop pointing fingers at someone else or even yourself for how things are going. Most likely you are NOT performing to your normal level at work or at home. That’s understandable. You’re trying to answer calls and get things down for work, while helping your children with E-Learning in the other room. You’re cleaning up lunch dishes and the kids are already asking “what’s for dinner”. You are trying to teach students through a screen instead of walking alongside them in your classroom. It’s not going to be the same, so stop comparing the way it used to be with your current reality.

6. Extend Grace. I love the title of Robin Robert’s recent book, Everybody’s Got Something. I have to agree with her. We don’t have a clue what’s going on in someone else’s life. This is why I believe, now more than ever, we have to be ready to extend grace to one another. Whether it be that grumpy grocery clerk who is risking her families’ health in order to put food on her table and yours. Or maybe it's that customer service agent struggling to troubleshoot your problem while he works at home with a toddler under his desk. Everybody reacts to stress differently too. You may be doing ok today, but your teenager who just lost her dreams of graduation and prom is not. Extend grace!

7. Don’t be Afraid To Reach Out for Help. If you’ve read through numbers 1-6 and are still feeling overwhelmed, please reach out for help. We have seen an uptick of folks call our office who have never needed help before, but these Coronavirus Blues are kicking their butt. Maybe you’re like our 12 yr old where if you were being honest… “It’s just too much”. Call a friend, family member, or pastor and let them know you’re struggling. Sometimes just sharing the load with someone who cares helps to lift its weight off your shoulders. If you don’t have that person in your life, or that hasn’t helped, give us a call at Rock Solid Families. If we can’t help you, we’ll connect you with someone who can. Maybe there is an issue with addiction or abuse in your home that has been magnified due to the stress of COVID-19. Please don’t ignore the problem. Get help today! 

The bottom line is this…there is HOPE and HELP available. Please don’t suffer in silence. You don’t have to battle the Coronavirus Blues alone. Call us at Rock Solid Families today at 812-576-ROCK or contact us through our website at rocksolidfamilies.org. Thanks to the generous support of our Rock Solid Partners, we are able to extend our coaching services FREE to anyone unable to pay during these unsettling times. No cost. No strings. Just someone to listen and help. If you’re reading this today, please know…we are praying for you!

Peace in the Storm

When you grow up in the Cincinnati Tri-State area, you get used to unpredictable weather. It can be sunny/70 degrees one day and rainy/40 degrees the next. You get used to the flood watches and tornado warnings coming across your phone or TV. They are just a part of living in the midwest. But if you’re my friend from Southern California, those warnings can be unnerving and bring on a lot of anxiety. I’ll never forget when Mary, a new friend from San Diego, experienced her first tornado warning in the Tri-State. She was in her car on a winding Indiana road when the tornado warning came across her car radio. She started to become anxious and panicked. She immediately pulled over to the side of the road and called me screaming, “What do I do?”

Let’s face it, I would have probably reacted the same way, if I were in Southern California during an earthquake or in Hawaii during a Tsunami warning. We can NEVER be prepared for every storm we will face in life. All of us, sometime or another, will face a storm in life that will catch us off guard and try to knock us off our feet. 

That was even true for Jesus’ disciples. The Bible tells of a time when they were in a boat with Jesus and began to panic when a storm suddenly blew in and began pounding their boat while out on the Sea of Galilee. Many of these men were even expert fishermen but yet were caught off guard at the sudden squall that beat against their boat nearly swamping it. (Mark 4:35-41)

Ever felt like that before? Ever felt like your boat was being swamped by the storm raging around you?  I’ve seen your recent Facebook posts. I’ve seen your Instagram feed. In this time of uncertainty, we are all trying to wrestle with this raging yet invisible storm of COVID-19. I’ll admit I’ve had my moments where the “what ifs” crept in my mind. I have never experienced a storm like this in my lifetime, and my guess is neither have you.  So it’s only natural to have some fear and anxiety about what’s going on in our world today. I’d have to check your pulse if you haven’t. But I don’t want to stay there, do you? I don’t want my fear to win. I don’t want my anxious thoughts to keep me from living the life God wants me to live and doing what he wants me to do. What if He has prepared and equipped us for “such a time as this”?

I’ve spent the last couple weeks really praying and meditating over this invisible storm our world is currently fighting against.  I have tried to listen more than I speak, asking God to give me peace and direction through His Word. And WOW, the Lord has delivered! I can’t explain it any other way but that His Word has nestled into my heart and mind and replaced all those anxious thoughts. His Word has come alive like never before. The Bible is filled with words that always bring me peace, but I wanted to share just a couple that have really taken away those anxious thoughts in the middle of this raging storm.

THIS BATTLE IS HIS - No doubt God is up to something big with COVID-19. He has got the world’s attention for a reason, and I trust in Him. I trust in His timing and His ways through this storm. The battle is the Lord’s and He will be victorious! I’m just His foot soldier trying to follow His marching orders. 

The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. (Psalm 18:2)

Who is the King of glory?  The Lord, strong and mighty; the Lord, invincible in battle. (Psalm 24:8)

OUR JOB IS TO STAY FOCUSED ON THE MISSION - We can’t let our minds camp out on those anxious thoughts for very long. I don’t know about you, but they suck the life out of me. That fear brings chaos into my world where there doesn’t have to be chaos. Those anxious thoughts distract me from my mission to bring God glory through it all. You and I have got to quickly take all of that captive and refocus our eyes back on the Lord. That is when He will fight our battles for us.  

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:3-5)

HE’S OUR ANCHOR IN THE STORM - There is nothing that can blow us off course when Jesus Christ is the anchor for our soul.  That brings me great peace when the storm is raging. What is the anchor keeping you firm and secure through this storm?

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews 6:19). 

EVERYTHING ELSE IS SINKING SAND - At Rock Solid Families, we have built an entire ministry on the Rock Solid Foundation of Jesus Christ. We have sat with countless individuals and couples who have put their trust in something that has failed them. They come to us feeling stuck and sometimes even hopeless not knowing where to turn or what to do next. Whether it be a spouse, a job, or our health….it all can be taken from us in a blink of an eye. None of those things make a very strong foundation to build our lives on. Jesus tried to share this truth in his parable of the wise and foolish builders. (Matthew 7:24-27) Don’t give your circumstances the power to dictate your peace. You can decide today what you’re going to build your life on.  Is it your job? Is it your health? Is it your net worth? As we have found in the middle of this crisis, all of those things can disappear in an instant. And then what? 

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”(Matthew 7:24-27)

HE’S WAITING FOR US - In the story I mentioned before in Luke 4, it was only when the disciples cried out to Jesus that He calmed the storm. I’m not saying that one simple prayer is going to end COVID-19, but I am saying that the Lord is waiting for us to reach out to Him. He sees the storm, and He’s in control. He knows what lies ahead, but He’s waiting for us to trust him. We can be in the middle of a raging storm like COVID-19 and still find comfort, strength, and peace in the solid rock of Jesus Christ. Use these difficult days as weights that exercise and strengthen your faith muscles.  

I don’t know where you’re at right now, but that’s how I have found peace in the middle of this storm. It’s not because I know what tomorrow brings and how all this ends, but because I know HE is the Rock I cling to in the middle of this storm. He is the unshakable foundation that can’t be moved or knocked down even by the biggest waves. Jesus Christ is what brings me peace, not my circumstances. If you don’t know this peace that calms even the wildest storm, call me. I’d love to walk alongside you and introduce you to Him.  His name is Jesus, and He’s been waiting for you. 

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. (Psalm 107:28-29)

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-38)

The Greatest Investment You Could Ever Make

There are not many folks who have lived in Bright, Indiana for any length of time that have not personally met or heard of the name, Jesse Smith. Jesse was just one of those special people you never forget. He was such a loving and faithful man of God who took a chance on this girl and hired her for full time ministry over 20 years ago. He was my elder, mentor and friend and at the age of 91 received his eternal reward on January 17, 2020.  As I looked around the room before Jesse’s funeral at Bright Christian Church where he worshipped for over 82 years, I couldn’t help but think about the legacy he left behind. There was a massive crowd of family and friends there to celebrate a life well-lived. Jesse Smith understood this counter cultural way of living that I want to propose to you today. In God’s eyes, he was a very rich man!

Let’s face it, there are so many things in life that compete for your time, attention, and resources. In this 24/7 digital age, you can be bombarded from all sides and quickly overwhelmed. Whether it’s your phone that’s vibrating in your pocket day and night to the constant feed of fake news on social media. It becomes harder and harder to filter out the good from the bad. For many, all these things become just “noise”. We see individuals, couples, and families every week in our Rock Solid Families office that are having a hard time navigating through it all and discerning what is worth their time and attention and what is not. Many folks become overwhelmed, shut down and even turn on each other due to the stress of all the “noise”.

So where do YOU spend your valuable resources?  The world today would say financial investments are the most important ones you can make, but the reality is they are the least. Could I suggest that the best investment of your time, talents, and treasures are NOT Facebook or your 401K? So what is the “best bang for your buck” when it comes to your time, energy, and resources? I believe it’s relationships! I think my mentor and friend, Jesse Smith, would agree with me when I say the best bang for your buck is first an eternal investment. Jesus Christ needs to come first, then your spouse, then family, then others. Jesse and his wife, Jeanie, had been married 72 years when he passed this past January. When you looked around the room at his funeral and the crowd of family and friends from all over the country and of all ages, no doubt, Jesse Smith was a rich man!

In this digital world we live in today, we have lost that investment of human connection. Families are disconnecting, marriages are crumbling, friendships are starving, and our personal mental health is suffering. Suicide is now the second leading cause of death for those between the age of 10-24. Why? This should be the prime of their life? Research is clear. In an age where we seem so “connected”, we are feeling more disconnected and isolated than ever. At Jesse’s funeral, people got up and spoke about his strong handshake and loving hugs and fistbumps. They talked about the 1000 love notes he would write to his church family every February during “love month”. They talked about his steadfast faith in Jesus Christ. Jesse understood that the key to a happy, rich life was investing in relationships both with the Lord and with others. 

So what can we do TODAY to help build a healthier tomorrow for ourselves and our family? Our community? Or world?  There are some simple things we all can do that don’t require a lot of money or any special talents. 

LOOK UP. Turn off your phone in the waiting room or in line and look around you. Who is sitting alone? Who looks like they could use a smile or a kind word? It doesn’t take much time but that could make a huge difference in someone’s life. You never know what they are going through and how your smile and a kind word could make a difference. Often it’s someone in your own home who is craving this face to face connection with you. Maybe it’s your son who wants you to put down the phone and shoot hoops with him. Maybe it's your mom who would love for you to take the air pods out of your ears and ask about her day. Look up and look around. 

SLOW DOWN. When is the last time you stepped away from your desk and went to lunch with your coworkers? How about the last time you called an old friend and checked in on them? Could you slow down long enough to open the door for someone or let someone go ahead of you in grocery line? So many people, including myself at times, use the word “BUSY” as a badge of honor. You know what I’m talking about…”Linda, I can’t slow down and do those things. I am soooo BUSY!” It’s time we slow down and take our “busy badges” off. As a family, we have overscheduled our kids and ourselves so tightly, we don’t even have the time to sit down at the kitchen table and share a meal. We’re missing out on the greatest time of the day to connect as a family. Make it a rule that there are NO phones or other screens at the table. I’m sure all of us have seen families out at a restaurant with everyone looking down at their phone or at a TV screen on a wall. Why bother even eating together? Spend that time engaging and reconnecting. Ask about each other’s day. What were the highs? What were the lows?

 REACH OUT.  How about sending an old fashioned birthday card to a family member or a sympathy card to a neighbor who just lost their spouse? You know those things you put stamps on and put in the mail. If you’re married, spend at least 15 minutes every day in face to face dialogue. If you have little ones, it’s important that your kids know how important this “mom and dad time” is.  Take that initiative to reconnect and recalibrate your relationship. Help your spouse feel like the most important person in your world. Both the dinner table and couple dialogue are tools you can use to read the temperature of your family and your marriage. In today’s digital age we are losing those skills. We’re too busy with our heads down in a screen. We’ve lost that human connection. 

INVEST IN. Who is God calling you to invest in? Want to know what I believe is the greatest investment of time and energy you could ever make? Want to know what will give you an EXPONENTIAL return on your investment? Investing in the life of a child. Before you give me your excuse as to why you can’t...let me clarify. Everyone, regardless of how old you are or how much time or money you have, can do SOMETHING. We are all called to do SOMETHING.  When we adopted our three youngest four years ago, my husband and I were so thankful for the many other men and women God placed in their life to encourage them and help them grow. It has been amazing to watch the connections they have made with their new aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, coaches, teachers, youth group leaders, neighbors, you name it. God has used each one of them to pour into their lives. 

So look around you? Who could YOU reach out to and invest in today? Is it another adult or maybe a child? Did you know there are over 9,000 children just in Indiana alone that are currently in foster care with many of those waiting for a forever home? Maybe foster care or adoption isn’t for you. What about giving a few hours a week as a Big Brother or Sister? There are hundreds of kids in the Greater Cincinnati waiting to be matched with a mentor. Maybe you could be the voice for a child in need and serve as a local Child Advocate. What about loving on babies in your church’s nursery or volunteering to coach a neighborhood t-ball team? 

In their 72 years of marriage, Jesse and Jeanie Smith mentored and encouraged thousands of others by investing in people using their time, talents, and treasures. That’s why at the age of 91, Bright Christian Church was packed with four generations of family and friends there to honor Jesse Smith and celebrate a life well lived.  Jesse understood the secret to a happy, full life. He knew that investing in things that are intangible and eternal like relationships may seem counter cultural to the world today, but they will definitely bring the greatest rewards. 

When Comfortable Becomes Painful

As I write this article, it is a windy and rainy thirty-five degree afternoon. Earlier today, I was driving up the interstate thinking to myself, “today would be a perfect day to find a recliner and take a long nap.”  You have to admit; days like these just have the couch screaming your name. Sometimes, there is nothing better than being warm and comfortable with no immediate responsibilities. Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? 

But what if there was such a thing as getting TOO comfortable!  On the surface, comfort seems like a legitimate and worthy goal.  After all, many of us work in order to make our lives more comfortable. The house we buy. The car we drive. The food we eat.  The clothes we wear, and the list goes on and on. Often, we can become so motivated to secure our comforts that we lose sight of a greater purpose in life. 

How can comfort lead us to pain?  This seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?  Isn’t comfort the absence of pain? I don’t know about you, but when my back is aching it’s pretty tough for me to get very comfortable. It’s not that comfort creates pain, but rather, comfort often leads to complacency which leads to pain.  It is in our complacency that we begin to find ourselves letting life pass us by. We become so comfortable that we don’t want to take the next risk. We’re afraid to challenge ourselves to do something that is difficult even though it may lead to greater rewards.  

We all seek a level of comfort.  Comfort allows us to rest, rejuvenate, and replenish our resources.  Comfort is like the “rest day” from the gym. Research shows that the rest day is just as important as the work day when it comes to being fit and getting stronger. The rest day allows the body to rebuild after being broken down.  It provides the opportunity for your energy levels to be restored. Rest provides a mental freshness and gives you the boost to go out and live another day! Comfort is important just as rest is important, however, we also know that too much rest can make us weak and frail.  If we have too much rest, we lose the ability to function physically and mentally as sharply as we are capable. Excessive rest leads to deterioration of the body. “If you don’t use it, you lose it!” This isn’t anything new. This is information that has been scientifically researched and verified for many years.  

“When comfort is the end goal, it actually becomes a trap.”

— Merrill Hutchinson

Comfort that leads to complacency also leads to deterioration-deterioration of a quality of life that we were capable of. Complacency prevents us from living our lives to its fullest potential.   When comfort is the end goal, it actually becomes a trap.  Living a life of passion and purpose means we will often be pulled into periods of discomfort.  If your goal is comfort, taking risks and setting big goals are usually not something you seek out. Risk, by its very nature, means you are subjecting yourself to discomfort. The important part that we often lose sight of is the correlation between risk and reward. Yes, risk may lead me into discomfort, but, if it is approached with a greater reward in mind, then it may become worth the risk.  Let’s be clear, this is not about making impulsive decisions based on our current mood or feelings. If the discomfort is going to be endless or downright damaging, then the risk may not be worth it. I say “may not”, only because we have seen many military and first responders take a risk that took their life or left them with permanent damage. I would argue that they fully believed that the risk they took was worth it. Thank God for their willingness and courage to walk away from comfort!     

What motivates you?  What is your purpose?  What are your gifts and talents?  If comfort is your top priority then I can guarantee you are on the fast track to complacency.  You will soon lack motivation, purpose, and the development and use of your gifts and talents. The end result is living a life of “what could have been”.  

Getting a little uncomfortable is what helps create the drive to move forward and live a life of no regrets.  My dad had a regular saying that he barked out to us kids as we were growing up. “Do something, even if it’s wrong!” These have been incredible words to live by as they have helped to create a meaningful and adventurous life.  My dad’s point was that you need to get ready to make mistakes, get uncomfortable, and get a little dirty in this thing called life. You will never know what could have been, if you are not willing to try.  

So, what does this type of pain look like when we get complacent, and how is it harmful? Often, it is not physical in nature.  Rather, it usually manifests itself as emotional or relational pain or in other words, a feeling of regret! It’s those unfulfilled dreams and unresolved problems we never tackled or pursued. This is where we see older folks begin to reflect on what could have been as they enter into the winter season of life.  I often think about the difference between a grumpy and happy old man. We all know older folks that fall into both camps. What’s behind their mindset?  

I believe a happy old man is one that believes his life has been rich and full of purpose.  He has lived a full life using his gifts and talents making a positive impact on this world.  On the other hand, I believe the grumpy old man is one who sees his life as a series of missed opportunities.  Often, he feels stuck with no way for life to get any better. Complacency has a terrible way of stealing your joy and taking away your fight. 

The grumpy old man is in terrible pain-pain in the realization that this is all his life has amounted to.  This emptiness is among the most painful things a person can endure. No body desires to live a meaningless life.  But when you evaluate your life in its later stages and cannot draw meaning and value from the way you have lived, you are left to think, “Is this all there is?”

A meaningful life well lived is one that often puts you in the cross hairs of discomfort and sacrifice. It is one that sometimes puts comfort at a distance. It allows for an itch that must be scratched.  It takes a willingness to make a few mistakes and get a little uncomfortable.  Are you on the road to being a grumpy old man or a happy one? The choice is yours to make. Make today the day you get out of your comfort zone and on the road to no regrets!

To hear more on this subject, check out Merrill and Linda’s recent podcast on Rock Solid Radio. Rock Solid Radio is also available on Spotify, IHeart Radio, Apple and Google Podcasts.

Help! Strong Dads Needed!

Have you ever seen someone stuck trying to solve a problem and from a distance you knew exactly what the solution to the problem was?  You think to yourself, “come on man, all you have to do is ...” The solution is crystal clear in your mind and it drives you crazy that the person you are watching can’t seem to see it.I didn’t say the solution would be an easy process;  I just said the solution is clear. This is where we get things messed up. We often want solutions to be obvious and easy.  The reality is that sometimes the solution is obvious, but the implementation is difficult.  

In this past year of running Rock Solid Families and the 20 years before that working as a school counselor, this is exactly how I feel about the many societal ills we face as a nation.  Whether we are talking about crime rates, homelessness, poverty, drug abuse, lack of civility, mass shootings, etc. The one common factor is broken families, and to drill a little deeper, lack of Strong Dads! The statistics are overwhelming! 

Poverty – Children living in female headed families with no spouse present had a poverty rate of 47.6 percent, over 4 times the rate in married-couple families. (Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2011, Table C8. Washington D.C.: 2011.)

Drug and Alcohol Abuse – Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse.    (Source:U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

Education – 71% of high school dropouts are fatherless; fatherless children have more trouble academically, scoring poorly on tests of reading, mathematics, and thinking skills; children from father-absent homes are more likely to be truant from school, more likely to be excluded from school, more likely to leave school at age 16, and less likely to attain academic and professional qualifications in adulthood.      (Source: Edward Kruk, Ph.D., “The Vital Importance of Paternal Presence in Children’s Lives.” May 23, 2012.)

Crime -  A 1% increase in the proportion of single-parent families in a neighborhood is associated with a 3% increase in an adolescent’s level of violence.    (Source: Knoester, C., & Hayne, D.A. (2005). “Community context, social integration into family, and youth violence.” Journal of Marriage and Family 67, 767-780.)

Sexual Activity – Being raised by a single mother raises the risk of teen pregnancy, marrying with less than a high school degree, and forming a marriage where both partners have less than a high school degree.  (Source: Teachman, Jay D. “The Childhood Living Arrangements of Children and the Characteristics of Their Marriages.” Journal of Family Issues 25 (January 2004): 86-111.)

The solution is right in front of our faces.  In fact, if you are a man, you can look directly in the mirror and the solution will look right back at you. It is time to stop ignoring the “elephant in the room”, We need our dads to step up and do their job!  

 At Rock Solid Families, this is a primary area that we focus our efforts toward.  We are working hard to shine the light on the necessity for our men to step up and be the fathers they have been called to be.  Yes, the solution is easy, but the work is hard! Being a Strong Dad takes sacrifice, commitment, perseverance, and unwavering faith in the mission of fatherhood.  It means doing things that we don’t always want to do. It means giving time, money, effort, and our heart to something other than ourselves. 

 In an article written by David Peach, 11 Qualities of a Christian Father, David list 11 things that a father needs to be or do in order to positively impact their family and the generations to come:

1. Love God - living for your creator and recognizing that you didn’t create yourself, but were created with gifts for a purpose to serve

2. Love Others - demonstrate love through your willingness to sacrifice for others

3. Be a Mentor - understand your responsibility to coach, teach, and lead

4. Be Patient - learn to take a deep breath and step away

5. Be a Good Worker - show your family what a good work ethic is through your actions

6. Be Self Controlled - understand your emotions and keep them appropriate and healthy

7. Be Sober - avoid overuse of drugs and alcohol

8. Be Blameless - own your wrong doings

9. Be Worthy of Respect - your actions matter

10. Not a Lover of Money - understand the purpose and value of money 

11. Understand and Practice the Fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

How are you doing in these areas?  I know I struggle, but that struggle is with my selfish human nature and desires.  Understanding this is our first step to growing as a Strong Dad!

 If you are a father or plan to be one, I challenge you to take a good look at the men you have had in your life.  Emulate the ones that were positive and challenged you to be a great man. Learn from the ones that tore you down and make a promise to yourself and your family that you will not do this to your children. 

 If you have not been the father you know you need to be or are feeling convicted by this article, turn that conviction toward a positive change.  Start by making a commitment to your family. Make apologies and begin the healing and rebuilding process. Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild.  If you have not been trustworthy in the past, don’t expect that everyone will begin trusting you the minute you tell them you are a newly committed father.  Trust is developed by actions, not words. Show your family that you are the father and leader of your home. Be the man God called you to be and your family needs you to be.  Die to your selfish boyhood self and rise as the STRONG DAD positively impacting generations to come!  

 I challenge you to listen in to our weekly podcast called Strong Dads and follow us on this journey as iron sharpens iron. We don’t claim to have all the answers,but we trust in the One who does, Our Heavenly Father. You can listen to all our episodes by searching “Strong Dads” on Spotify, IHeart Radio, Apple Podcasts, or on our website rocksolidfamilies.org/podcasts.  If you or someone you know needs help or more information on how to be a Strong Dad, contact Rock Solid Families at 812-576-7625 or contact us through our website rocksolidfamilies.org.

The Lies of Divorce

Whether you grew up with divorced parents, or you yourself experienced the pain of divorce as an adult; we understand divorce is a reality for many families today. But what if there was a better way? What if you could save you and your family from a lot of heartache? My goal in this article is not to judge or condemn anyone, but instead it is to speak truth into some common misconceptions surrounding divorce. This list is by no means exhaustive and I could write a book on each one, but my hope is to shine light on some of the lies that are destroying our families today.

Lie #1- “It’s Their Fault!”  It’s so easy to shift blame in our world today, but let’s be honest about this one. The faster we acknowledge that we bear some of the responsibility for our struggling marriage, the better. It’s time you and I stop being the victim and start taking responsibility for our own actions and reactions and commit to working on our own stuff.  It’s also important to call out who the real enemy is in a marriage under attack. I work with men and women all the time who have this intense hatred for their spouse or their parents for what happened to their family. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage by now, “Unforgiveness is like YOU drinking poison and waiting for THEM to die”. No one ever goes into a marriage expecting to divorce, but it is the goal of Satan and he loves it if he can bind you in hate and unforgiveness. That’s why he’s called the “deceiver”.

Lie #2- “I Deserve to Be Happy!” Says WHO? If we followed this line of thinking, we could justify about any immature or selfish decision this side of the Rocky Mountains. We are living in a 24/7 instant gratification culture where our cravings can be satisfied in a second. I can shop online at Amazon and have it delivered same day to my door, while watching my favorite show on Netflix anytime I want after going to my favorite 24 hr Dunkin for a donut and big ice tea. Who am I kidding?  I can even have Door Dash do that now. I don’t even have to leave my house. You get my point. Stop believing the lie that it’s all about your happiness today. What if God’s plan is to use a difficult relationship in your life to grow or bless you in a way that you can’t even imagine or see right now? There could be something so much more for you and maybe even for your marriage on the other side of this storm if you lean in and look up instead of walking out. That’s the power of the Holy Spirit I’ve seen working in couples who have gotten help and committed to weathering the storm together.

Lie #3-“The kids are better off, if we get a divorce.” I hear it from wounded parents on a regular basis who feel like divorce is the best way to protect their children from the same pain. In many families, the kids are in the center of a war zone getting hit from both sides. They are often pawns used by parents to manipulate, coerce, or punish their spouse. Can I just tell you, the best gift you can give your child is to model how two broken people in a messed-up world find hope, healing, and unconditional love. Does it sound too pie in the sky for you? It is, if you’re trying to do it alone. But that’s where a really big God comes in. Before you sign those divorce papers or take your ex to court, take some time to get wise biblical counsel. Sit down with a trained Christian professional who can walk you and your spouse through the process of reconciliation and maybe even restoration.  

I realize there will be some who will read this who are in dangerous situations of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. In those cases, of course, you need to keep you and your kids safe and physically remove yourself from that environment. Take the time to seek professional help so that you know how to best help you and your children through this trauma. Don’t make any rash or big decisions in the heat of intense emotion. Nothing good comes out of that. 

Lie #4- “Another relationship will take the pain away.” I see struggling married couples all the time jumping out of one difficult relationship and right into another. Sometimes even before the papers are served or the ink has dried. Can I just be totally transparent with you? That’s a really BAD idea!! There’s no way to sugar coat the baggage you drag with you from the failed marriage right into your new relationship. The hurts, the insecurities, the triggers, the lies...you bring it ALL with you and there’s no amount of sweet words and pretty flowers that can heal those wounds for you quickly. As a matter of fact, experts tell us that divorced men and women should give themselves three years before entering into another serious relationship. Yep, that’s what the experts say...three years! Trust me, you will be glad you gave yourself that time to heal your heart right and deal with the junk in your own trunk!

Lie #5-“I know what you’re going through, I’ve been divorced.” The temptation to compare is never ending and exhausting. Whether it’s a chat with a friend or looking at someone’s pictures on Facebook, comparing your life with someone else’s is a trap with no winners. Every marriage is unique, and there is no one cookie cutter answer for every difficult relationship. I’m not going to pretend I have walked in your shoes, and I definitely don’t want to minimize the difficulty you are going through right now. But please don’t look around and compare your deepest struggles with someone else’s highlight real.  Lean in, look up, and trust in the promise that God has got a better plan for this storm you are in.

Don’t know how to lean in and look up? Contact us at rocksolidfamilies.org. We’d love to walk through this storm with you and help you get to the blessings and hope waiting for you on the other side!

What Does Your Family Stand For?

Remember the old song by John Mellencamp called “You’ve Got to Stand for Somethin’”?

If not, I encourage you to look it up. I know I’m showing my age, but good music is good no matter how old you are. Good lessons are good no matter how old as well. Mellencamp brings to light the importance of standing up for what we believe is important. I want to take this idea and apply it to families and parenting.  What do you as a parent stand for? What does your family stand for? Do your kids know what your family values? These questions are so incredibly important to ask as a parent but are often not even on a parent’s radar not to mention their kids. 

Why are these questions so important? For the same reason that Mellencamp gives in his song, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’re going to fall for anything.”That’s exactly what we are seeing all across our country today- people falling for anything! As a parent, this can be so costly for the family. It’s costly when the things we fall for are not healthy for our family or downright harmful. So if that’s the case, why are we falling for so many things we know can hurt us? At the risk of stepping on people’s toes, let’s face it, we are suckers for instant gratification. “If it feels good, do it!” “I deserve to be happy!” “It’s all about MY comfort!” Should I go on? What’s worse is that in this 24/7 digital age, marketing agencies and social media platforms understand exactly what appeals to our desires. The packaging is shiny and flashy. The bold print screams, “You Need Me”! “You deserve it”!

I’m as bad as anyone out there. I can rationalize nearly every decision I make. I make up excuses and then make deals with myself to soften the guilt. You know what I mean, you’re guilty just like me. We eat the chocolate cake but tell ourselves that we will run a couple of extra miles tomorrow to burn it off. That’s a bold-faced lie! So, how do I help myself and my family from being swept up by what feels good in the moment or the latest and greatest temptations? Let’s first ask ourselves some questions. What do you stand for and why? Is your decision to stand for something based on a solid foundation or is it based on feelings, opinions, fleshly desires? Are there alot of exceptions or gray areas? Is your stance easily persuaded to change? Do you sometimes describe yourself as a “go with the flow” kind of person?

Sure, there are many decisions in life that are not that important in the grand scheme of things: the color of your shoes, the genre of music you listen to, wheat or rye bread. Who cares, right, but there are plenty of things that do matter. Not only do they matter today, but they mattered yesterday and they will matter tomorrow. Do you stand for integrity? Doing the right thing, even when nobody’s watching. Do you stand for the golden rule? Treating others the way you want to be treated. Do you stand for unconditional love? Loving even when someone is acting unloveable. Do you stand behind your word where your yes means yes, and no means no? Do you stand behind your day’s work? An honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. Do you stand on the truth that we were all wonderfully and uniquely created by a loving God? “For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13 NIV) These are the unshakeable things to build your life and your home on.

At Rock Solid Families, my wife and I see day after day what happens when couples and families operate without a solid foundation. Doing what “feels” right in the moment or what would satisfy a more immediate desire does not always mean long term happiness or peace. It often comes at the cost of hurting others, breaking trust, losing integrity, breaking up families, and broken communities. As parents, we can not hide our family in a cave or protect our kids from every little challenge, but we can help build them to be strong in character. We can help develop in our children a foundation of strong morals and values for things that mattered yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

I challenge you to be more mindful in your home about taking a stand on the things that matter. I encourage you to stress these virtues on a daily basis with your kids. Don’t leave this matter to chance or public opinion. Just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t necessarily make it right. We have seen this and continue to see it every day in the world around us. Give your kids the courage and strength to stand strong and know why and what they are standing for. That doesn’t guarantee an easy life full of pleasure-seeking and fun. But it does help to ensure a person of principle that will positively impact generations to come. Remember, If you don’t stand for something, you’re going to fall for anything. Don’t let it be the fall of your family.

Slow Fade in Marriage

I was shocked when one of my key volunteers called early on a Sunday morning crying, “Linda, we need help. Our marriage is in crisis. I don’t know what to do”. What? I must have heard her wrong. Doug and Lisa appeared to be this strong, Christian couple who had been married for 12 years with 5 healthy and happy children. No way! 

We scheduled an appointment that same week and began to slowly uncover what I see as one of the most silent but deadly killers of marriages today; it’s what I call -the SLOW FADE. 

Unfortunately, Doug and Lisa’s story is not an uncommon one, especially for young and busy families.  Lisa admits she had put kids and activities above her relationship with Doug. Doug, on the other hand, had slowly drifted away from his wife no longer feeling like a priority in his home. While feeling distant from his wife, Doug found someone at work who was willing to listen and give him the time and attention he was desperately craving. Young couples aren’t the only victims of the slow fade. I’ve seen it destroy just as many or more “seasoned” couples too with 20-30 years under their belt. This is why I believe the SLOW FADE is one of the greatest epidemics plaguing marriages today. 

In the 1960s, Charles Hummel published a little booklet called Tyranny of the Urgent, which quickly became a must read for many professionals.  In it, Hummel argues that there is a regular tension between things that appear urgent and things that are important—and far too often, the urgent wins. I see the same tension destroying homes and families today. We have allowed the urgent to slowly push out what’s really important for a healthy and strong life-things like faith, family and personal wellness. 

You go through the McDonald’s drive-thru day after day eating in your car on the way to appointments or kids events instead of eating healthy meals at home as a family.  Couples trade date nights for kids’ soccer tournaments week after week complaining about how they never have any time together. But then after a while, they stop complaining and give up even trying. That’s the slow fade we’re talking about.

Your spouse just walked in the door from work while you’re getting a call or text from a friend.  We have allowed the world to have 24 hour access to us through things like texts, calls, notifications all while the most important people in the room are feeling...well, not that important. 

Sometimes, what appears to be urgent is happening right in our own home. Let’s face it, kids can make anything look like a crisis.  You know what I’m talking about. Your son can’t find his shoes and he’s screaming YOUR name for the hundredth time while you’re in the bathroom. Or your daughter “needs” to go to the mall TONIGHT because next week she needs a black tshirt for her concert. 

It’s rarely mean or malicious but over time, there is this slow fade. It’s an unconscious drift that happens when couples don’t prioritize and fight for what’s important. 

Here are some warning signs that your marriage may be in a slow fade…

1. Physical intimacy is little to non-existent and it’s not because of a physical condition or ailment. Are you sleeping in separate beds? Are you always too tired or too busy to be sexually intimate with your spouse? What’s going on? Is there a physical issue that needs to be addressed? Is there someone else who has captured the heart of your spouse so he/she no longer has any desire to be with you physically. Lean in to your spouse and work on a plan to rekindle the physical intimacy between the two of you.

2. Emotional Intimacy is waning. You’re not dreaming together anymore. You don’t feel like you can be authentic or vulnerable with your spouse. He or she won’t sit down and open up about what’s going on inside. Is there someone else outside your marriage who you ARE having those kind of conversations with? That’s a slippery slope if it’s someone of the opposite sex. Acknowledge that is NOT healthy and open up to your partner about your needs. 

3. Spiritual Intimacy is non existent. It’s tough to pull away from your spouse when God is at the center of the relationship. Less than 1% of couples who pray together on a regular basis divorce. Working in the church for 20 years, it was not uncommon for couples in a slow fade to fall off the radar and disappear. Kids stop coming to sunday school. Mom and dad stop going to church or drop out of their small group. It was the start of an ugly downhill slide for their family. Don’t let that happen if you are involved in a church. It’s a red flag of something deeper going on. 

4. Misplaced priorities-Put the big rocks in first. God, spouse, children in that order...and the others will fall in place naturally after that. If you or your partner continuously put other things or people ahead of those big rocks, danger, danger...you’re in a slow fade.

5. Unrealistic expectations or petty arguments-Are you and your spouse constantly fighting over silly things like socks on the floor or dishes in the sink??...can I just tell you.  It’s not about the dishes. There are some deeper issues looming. Maybe your spouse is hoping you’ll lean in and ask what’s really wrong. Or maybe you’re afraid to say anything because it will just lead to a blow up.

6. Shut Down Mode-This is probably one of the most dangerous red flags of the slow fade...the shut down mode. You’re getting nothing...no physical intimacy, no emotional intimacy, no spiritual intimacy...there’s not even any arguments. You and your spouse haven’t argued in years, because you haven’t really had a real conversation in years.  GET HELP TODAY! That’s not a marriage-that’s a roommate. You may be thinking your marriage is a nine out of 10 because you never fight but your partner is at a one. He or she has already checked out and maybe even checked in with someone else. 

If you or your spouse feel like you are in that SLOW FADE we described above, do what Doug and Lisa did. Get some help today. They are celebrating 22 years this year because of what God did in that difficult season 10 years ago. They are grateful to him for saving their marriage and have seen God use their story many times to bring others hope. Talk to your priest or pastor. Reach out to a professional Christian counselor. Contact us at rocksolidfamilies.org. Don’t keep brushing those feelings of emptiness and despair under the rug. Just as Satan can use those feelings to destroy your relationship with your spouse, God can use those SAME feelings to bring your relationship to a new and better level. I’ve seen it happen. Trust me; there is hope! You don’t have to settle for the status quo and think that’s all there is. But the answer is not in another man or woman. The answer is not working more or shutting down. The answer is looking up, leaning in and getting the help you need to have a healthy and strong marriage maybe even for the first time.

Is My Child "Gifted"?

As we prepare for the start of another school year, we wanted to take some time to touch on a question many parents will be asking their teachers and administration this coming school year. Is My Child “Gifted”?  At Rock Solid Families, we believe that’s a really loaded question to ask that first needs some clarification. The term “gifted” has created so much confusion and sparked so many conversations within our families and schools today.  As with many ideas in education, the same condition we’ve seen in kids for years often gets assigned a new name or terminology. A term that was used to describe a particular behavior or trait 40 years ago may now seem insensitive or even ignorant today.  Initially, it may have been fine, but overuse and misuse of certain terms start to create a negative connotation. Eventually, people want to distance themselves from certain titles or labels and eventually it gets replaced with a new term. 

In my 20 years as an elementary school counselor, I saw the word “gifted” as one of those terms. The difficulty with the term “gifted” is that it is not a “one-size-fits-all” label.  There is not a single test or screener that automatically determines a child to be gifted. This is why things can get really messy. A child could be gifted at math, science, reading, art, athletics, social interaction, speaking, etc..  What’s even more confusing is that a child may appear to be performing significantly high in one area but is nearly non-functional in another. I’m sure we’ve all seen a person that is amazing at math or science but is nearly paralyzed when it comes to social interaction.  Or how about the person that is musically head and shoulders above the crowd, but has a difficult time balancing their checkbook? This imbalance creates lots of confusion to the people they interact with as well as the person identified as “gifted”.  

Because identifying gifted and talented students is a touchy subject with many parents and school officials, I want to be very careful about sharing what I have learned from my 32 years of experience in the school setting.  My experience with this “gifted” label also hits close to home, which is why I’d like to share a little bit of our own family’s story.  

When our oldest son was in second grade, our school began a process of testing, screening, and interviewing students for qualification into the school’s gifted and talented program.  As the new counselor in the school building, I was just learning about what this process looked like. After several months of collecting data, our school’s gifted and talented coordinator came to me and said she had information about our oldest son that we needed to discuss. Her data indicated that our oldest son was scoring in the top 98 percentile in almost every test, screener, or interview she had given him.  His scores opened the door for the school’s gifted and talented program, and she wanted to know if that was something we were interested in pursuing. 

My wife and I began to discuss what this meant to us and our son.  You see, we never really thought of our son as gifted. We just always thought of him as an “all boy” kind of kid.  Yes, he excelled in some areas, but we also saw that he was average in many others. We began to discuss what would be best for our son in the long run.  More than anything in this world, we wanted our son to grow up to be a well-adjusted and healthy adult mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  We wanted our son to be a problem-solver and to be able to handle social interactions successfully. We wanted him to care about his family and others and know the importance of servanthood and hard work.  We wanted our son to experience failure and understand that he could grow through it. We wanted him to understand that all people have gifts and talents and that he would someday have to rely on the strength of others to succeed.   We wanted our son to understand that he was and still is a great young man with lots of potential to do amazing things as well as capable of making mistakes like everyone else. We wanted him to be humble and to know that he was created for a purpose to serve God and others.

Here’s what we knew we did not want.  We did not want our son to feel above or better than anyone else.  We did not want him to feel any extra burden to live up to a certain label. We did not want to create an environment that incubated an elitist or arrogant mindset.  We did not want him to carry undue stress for being something he struggled to live up to. 

 So, when our conversation was finished, my wife and I made a decision.  We decided that we did not want our son identified as gifted. We didn’t want him misled into thinking he was any more or less gifted than any other child.  Instead, we allowed him to take the path that his peers took and when he excelled we encouraged and celebrated his success. When he fell short or struggled, we stressed the importance of overcoming and teaching empowerment and skills to succeed.  We also quickly noticed that our son naturally tracked himself into many of the opportunities and experiences that the “gifted” kids were experiencing. Life often has a natural way of doing that. 

Here’s the bottom line;  I’m not saying that your child being labeled as “gifted” is a bad thing.  In fact, this label may very well open the door to experiences that will serve them well.  What I am saying is that your child may not necessarily be better off because of the label.  What’s the motivation behind the label? Weigh the pros and cons before making a decision. Think about how this label may impact your child socially, academically, spiritually, etc…  As in most things in life, there is usually more than one way to the same goal. Being labeled “gifted” may be what opens new and exciting doors for them, but remember, your child is far more than a single label.  Your child is a beautiful but often messy combination of different traits, skills, behaviors, and gifts. Some will be seen as blessings, but some will be seen as shortcomings. Praise and encourage where they are strong and help them learn and grow where they are weak. This balanced approach will not only help your child succeed in school but more importantly life as well.