Are You A Rescue Parent?

By trying to protect children from failure now...you actually set them up for greater failure later. Merrill Hutchinson

Earlier this year my daughter in law shared a video with me that showed her kids hiking with her on a wet sloppy trail.  At first, it looked like a great family adventure out in mother nature on a beautiful trail. Suddenly, our two-year-old grandson took off running up the trail. Before anyone could really react, he tripped and fell flat on his face.  Mud and water splattered and his entire face and belly were covered with mud. This was not a little stumble causing a fall to the knee. This was an all-out face-plant! The next thing you hear on the video is my daughter in law chuckling and saying, it’s all right, you’re fine.  When she finally caught up to him, he began to stand up and when he saw she was smiling, he began to laugh. She laughed right back at him and they continued up the trail.  

Now, maybe this shouldn’t even be a story worth referencing, but I believe it has merit.  After working at the elementary school level for over 20 years, I have met many parents that would handle this scenario in a completely different manner.  Just speculating, but I can imagine parents that would have yelled at their children as soon as they took off running. “Don’t run, you’re going to trip and fall!”  Or, after seeing their child fall, running in a panic as if their child just broke their neck. Or, maybe having a child on a leash just to prevent them from even having the opportunity to leave your side.  Or, the ultimate in protection, “No, we are not going to hike on a muddy trail. Someone could get hurt and it will be a muddy mess.” Which parent are you?

We love our daughter in law not just because she married our son.  We love them as parents to our grandchildren because we believe they are raising their children to be problem solvers.  They are growing up to be strong, courageous, adventurous, and most importantly, victors and not victims. On a daily basis, they allow their kids to take reasonable risks. As parents, they are teaching our grandchildren to celebrate the victories but also learn from the mistakes. 

No doubt, parenting can be difficult; wondering if you are doing and saying the right things.  Wondering if your discipline is effective and meaningful. Wondering if you are growing your kids to thrive and survive in a sometimes cruel world.  Wondering if you are giving your kids too much or too little. These may be real thoughts and fears, but here’s the important question I think you need to ask yourself.  What kind of adults do you want your children to grow to be? In my 20 years of working with parents, I more often than not get the same answer. “When my child is an adult, I want them to be happy, independent, well-adjusted, and feeling successful in their life.” AWESOME! Me TOO!

As parents, we understand we can’t guarantee our children a problem-free life.   In fact, there’s a better chance we could guarantee them a life with challenges and problems. None of us are guaranteed a problem-free life, but if we want our children to succeed in life and be well adjusted later, we must equip and teach them NOW how to navigate problems and failures.   I would suggest that attempting to remove all the problems, or solving the problems for your children, places them at incredible risk for a very tumultuous and unrewarding life. By trying to protect children from failure now...you actually set them up for greater failure later.

So, how can I help my child grow to be that adult that is happy, independent, well-adjusted, and feeling successful?  

• Realize and understand that your child is not perfect and neither are you.

• Don’t own your child’s mistakes or short-comings.  If they fail, allow them to fail. Don’t argue with the teachers, coaches, referees, or anyone else about something your child did wrong. When they mess up, look at the situation as an incredible teaching moment!

• Never make excuses for your child and never tolerate excuses from your child.  Excuses are the first step to allowing your child to become a victim. “It’s not my fault” are words that should not be tolerated in your home. 

• Limit the amount of time that you will allow your child to pout or feel sorry for themselves.  Yes, there will be emotion when a child suffers loss, rejection, or makes a mistake. That’s okay!  But please do not allow them to get stuck there. Once the emotions settle, train them to shift into problem-solving mode. Again, you do not solve the problem.  Encourage them by saying, “Okay, that didn’t go the way you wanted. What are you able to do about it now?” That’s empowerment!

• Practice what you preach.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, and own them! When you’ve made a mistake let your children see that you admit the mistake and that you are able to work toward solving the problem. 

• Encourage age-appropriate risk-taking and allow them to own the natural consequences of those risks.  “Yes, you can ride your bike and jump off your homemade ramp, but if you wreck, you need to understand you could get hurt.”  With that being said, if they wreck, you do not scream and yell, “I told you so!” Instead, we say something to the effect of.  Wow! That looks like it hurt. Are you okay? Alright, go clean up your wounds and get back on your bike!  

• Encourage exploration and exposure to activities your children are good at and things they are not necessarily good at.  This is all part of the discovery process. They may find something they excel at that ultimately directs the pathway of their life.  Or, they may find something that they never want to do again, and they will have solid reasons for why they don’t want to do it. 

My parents were not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but when I look back at what they gave my siblings and I, I am so grateful. I am most grateful that they taught us about putting our faith and trust in God in this difficult world. I am so grateful they taught us to be honest and hardworking and take responsibility for our actions and teaching us to take risk and trust that things will work out.  As I write this I hear my dad’s voice saying what he so often said to us; “Do something even if it’s wrong!”

“None of us are guaranteed a problem-free life, but if we want our children to succeed in life and be well adjusted later, we must equip and teach them NOW how to navigate problems and failures. ”

— Merrill Hutchinson

Before You Say “I Do”

Summer is finally here and you know what that means. At least for our friends and family, summer means lots of swimming, grill outs, graduations, and yes, weddings. Merrill and I were married on a sweltering July day back in 1987; we will be married 32 years on July 24. If you’re married and reading this, maybe you had a summer wedding too. I don’t know about you, but we were such young pups when we got married without a clue of what we were doing when we said, “I Do”. I’m not sure where we would be today without God’s unmerited favor.  I thank God every day for His grace and the blessing of Merrill, our five children, two amazing daughter in laws and 2 ⅓ adorable grandchildren (Yep, another one is on the way). Each one of them is a blessing in my life I do not deserve.

I say all this not just to reminisce but to attack some myths Merrill and I have seen young couples fall for over the past 25 years. Over and over again, couples have fallen into the same traps creating trouble for them years down the road. None of these are easy topics. There are as many opinions as there are words in a dictionary. We could spend days unpacking each one, but in this season of weddings and engagements, I feel like it’s time to do some myth busting about marriage and relationships.

BUSTING SOME MARRIAGE MYTHS

Photo Credit: Olivia Strohm Photography

1. “Love is All We Need”-That’s a great title for a movie or love song, but that’s not real life. Without investing in each other and nurturing that relationship through good communication and conflict resolution skills...that infatuation quickly begins to fade away. Why do you think only 2% of new marriages started as high school sweethearts? Love is not a feeling, but instead a conscious decision that must be fed and nurtured. A healthy marriage takes each partner giving 100% to the relationship. Besides healthy relationship skills, the greatest tool in our marriage toolbox is God Himself.  Without the Lord at the center of their relationship, couples are building on sinking sand.

2. “Time Will Resolve Our Problems”- Sometimes it’s the little things over time that destroy trust and slowly eat away at a relationship. If you and your partner have things that have never been addressed or resolved and they are causing bitterness and anger to build up, it’s time to get some help. Work toward compromise and resolution BEFORE you say “I do”.  Time does not heal all wounds. Over time, it can be the little things that hardened your heart toward your partner. Don’t let things go unresolved thinking they are “no big deal”. If you keep brushing things under the rug without ever dealing with them...you eventually start tripping over the rug!

3. “My Partner is My Everything”- Putting your partner on a pedestal and declaring him/her to be your world is setting your partner up for horrible failure. God never intended your partner to be your savior...your everything. Your partner IS going to disappoint you. He/She IS going to let you down over and over again. That’s called being human, and that’s why we all need to extend this thing called grace. Look in the mirror. You’re not perfect either and you’re going to need your partner to extend grace to you. We all do.  We’re going to disappoint and let others down. We see couples all the time enter into a relationship with rose colored glasses assuming their partner can meet all their needs. Good luck with that one! That’s not how God designed marriage. There is still a need for outside friendships. There is still a need for alone time, and there is still a HUGE need for God. I tell couples all the time. God is a jealous God, and he won’t settle for second place even in your marriage.

4. “Living Together Helps Prepare Us For Marriage”-This one depends on what you’re preparing for. If you want to know if your partner snores or is a good cook, maybe that’s true, but if you are looking for a forever commitment, not so much. When a couple chooses to live together before marriage, it can infuse doubt and mistrust into the very core of the relationship. It’s hard to trust someone completely when they have an easy exit strategy. The message living together often sends to a partner is “I’m not sure you’re the one for me”. I want to “test drive” the relationship. Well, test driving is great for cars you want to buy, but we’re not dealing with cars here. We’re dealing with people’s emotions and when we start intertwining sexual intimacy and financial bank accounts together without a forever commitment-things get really messy.  It’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle. I’m not here to say that couples who live together before marriage won’t last, but I am saying it definitely starts the building process on shaky ground. Regardless of what people may say, Cohabitation is NOT the best way to prepare for marriage.

A healthy marriage is not about what we selfishly GET from the relationship, but what we selflessly GIVE. It’s more about BEING the one than finding “the one”. When we look at our partner and say “I’m ALL IN” and approach marriage as a lifetime commitment through the good times and the bad, that’s when we create a relationship of love and trust.  That’s when you begin to build on a rock solid foundation for your new life together. The best way to prepare for marriage is to pursue God as a couple and get wise premarital counsel.

Many couples spend years saving and planning for their wedding day. Did you know that the average cost of a wedding in the United States last year was over $33,000? That is crazy! Couples spend a ton of money and time picking out dresses, flowers and venues. What if couples would take that same kind of time and attention in seeking God as the center of their relationship? Take the time to pray for your relationship, for each other, and for your future family. Statistics show that over 99% of married couples who pray together on a regular basis stay together. I don’t know of anything else that compares to that success rate. Research also shows that 80% of couples that get quality premarital counseling stay married.

So before you say “I do”, take the time to pursue God together. Talk to your priest or pastor. Invest in premarital counseling. Find a Christian mentor couple to walk alongside you. Slow down and do this right. After all, it’s not about one special day on the calendar, but a very special relationship you want to last a lifetime.

Marriage First Aid

I still remember where I was when I got the call. I was in Orlando, Florida at a ministry conference when one of my key church volunteers called me in tears. He and his wife were in marital crisis. She was ready to leave.  How could that be? They looked like they had it all together. I was with their whole family just the week before. How could I have missed the storm brewing and growing inside their home?

I remember that day like it was yesterday, but in reality it was over 15 years ago. That day is forever seared in my mind, because it stirred something inside that has never left me - a heart for couples in crisis. Working with couples and families was nothing new for my husband and I. For years, we had been working with engaged couples walking alongside them before they said “I Do”. For years, I had worked with families as a teacher and children’s minister. But this was different. This time, I felt ill-equipped and blindsided.

Maybe you’ve been there.  A family member or friend calls you to say, “I can’t do this anymore” or “He/She left”, and you’re left holding the phone in shock. Now what? Often we feel helpless wishing we had a band-aid or some magic words, but we don’t. The helplessness I felt that winter day in Orlando Florida sent me on a quest for truth and tools for my friends and the countless other couples God would put in my path.

If you are reading this today, I’m first here to share with you some truth. There is NOTHING that you or someone you love is experiencing right now that God can not bring beauty from (Isaiah 61:1-3). In 20 years of ministry, I have seen God bring healing and beauty out of the ugliest of circumstances. Adultery, Addiction, Illness, Bankruptcy, Felonies, Abuse….you name it; God can redeem it! Now, I didn’t say every marriage will be restored. Restoration takes two willing partners which doesn’t always happen in marital conflict. But if you are willing to do it His way, God is ABLE! My husband and I host a weekly radio show called ROCK SOLID RADIO and recently did an episode on this very topic. Check it out at eaglecountryonline.com or just click HERE

Maybe you’re reading this and you’re thinking it’s already too late. Maybe you and your spouse have already divorced and moved on. God can still make something beautiful out of your pain and heartache if you surrender it to Him. He is still able to do more than all you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21). Maybe, it’s not you but a friend, and you have no idea what to say or do. First and foremost, pray for them. Ask God to give you the wisdom and discernment in knowing what to say and what not to say. But what if there was more we could do? What if we had some first aid tools when the bleeding starts to occur?

MARRIAGE FIRST AID KIT
Just like students in school, it’s important we all have an emergency plan and practice it BEFORE the storm comes. Whether it’s a tornado or fire, students and adults practice the plan AHEAD of time.  It helps take the emotion out of the emergency and allows everyone to handle things in a safe and calm way. What if you and your spouse did the same thing? Sit down with your spouse and go over this together when things are good or when the emotion is out of the conflict.

Get a plan NOW on how you will handle the next storm or conflict that arises. No matter if it’s you or someone you know, there is hope and healing when conflict occurs.  Here are some tried and true tools I believe every first aid plan should include:

1. Take a Time Out-Don’t try and resolve conflict in the heat of emotion. Take time to cool down. If it is your spouse who is angry, walk away to allow the situation to deescalate. Go for a walk, take a drive, go in your room. Take time to step away from the emotion and calm down with the commitment that you will be back to resolve it later when the emotion has subsided. It may be an hour or a day, but don’t allow the negative emotion to fester and grow.

2. Initiate a sincere apology-Take the time to reflect on how you contributed to the conflict and own it. Even if you think your spouse was 95% in the wrong, own your 5%. (Don’t tell them you are only 5% in the wrong...that’s not going to help!) After a cooling down period, approach your spouse and apologize for your part of the argument and then STOP. Don’t go on to crucify their response or justify yours. That will only put your partner on the defense and shut down any possibility of healing your relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to apologize, don’t give up and strike back. It may take time for your partner to believe you are sincere and not just wanting to throw them under the bus.

3. Don’t keep score-Once you have apologized, let it go. Don’t keep bringing up the past and throwing it in their face. If you are a couple that keeps score, you may win an argument but you will lose your marriage.

4. Daily Investment of Time- I believe many couples are struggling because they have not made their marriage a priority. They’ve put everything in front of their marriage relationship. Work, Kids, Screens, you name it and it has replaced the marriage as the daily priority. Your spouse needs to know that he/she is the most important person in your life. If they’re not….that’s the problem. It’s time to make your spouse a priority. Every day for about 15-20 min, take the time to sit down with your partner uninterrupted and just dialogue. Ask them how they are doing and what’s going on in their world. Compliment and thank them whenever possible. No kids, no screens, no dishes...just the two of you. You will be amazed how esteemed and valued your spouse will feel. You will be surprised how much you learn in just 15-20 minutes. So many conflicts come from a break down of communication. This daily investment would save so many storms from brewing.

5. Christ Centered Marriage-You want to storm proof your marriage? Take your child off the throne. Take your work off it’s pedestal. Stop expecting your spouse to be something God never created them to be. All of those things...our children, our work, even our spouse make lousy gods. Put Jesus Christ on the throne in your home. Build your home on a foundation that is unshakable and can weather ANY storm. As a couple, pray for each other and for your family every day. The divorce rate for couples who pray together on a regular basis is less than 1 percent. I don’t know of a better way to storm proof your marriage. When Christ is our focus, we begin to understand how to love our wife and respect our husband unconditionally. We begin to extend grace and offer forgiveness, because we realize how WE have been forgiven by our Heavenly Father who loves us and forgives us daily.  

6. Seek Professional Help Early-Don’t wait until your spouse walks out the door. If you can’t seem to resolve the conflict on your own, seek professional help. Call a counselor. Reach out to a priest/pastor. Contact us at Rock Solid Families for marriage/family coaching. There is help and hope available.

Like I mentioned before, there are no magic words that can instantly repair a hurting relationship.  There is no magic pill you can swallow and heal deep wounds, but there is a Heavenly Father who has given us a way to have all those things we so desperately desire...peace, love, joy, and hope.

At Rock Solid Families, we are here to help you find those things in a Christ-centered home. If we can help you or your family, please don’t hesitate to call our St. Leon, IN office at 812-576-ROCK or contact us through our website at rocksolidfamilies.org. In the meantime, please know that if you’re reading this, we are praying for YOU and asking God to help you build a Rock Solid Family!

The Golden Rule

I’m sick and tired of the bickering!  I’m sick and tired of selfish fighting no matter the cost to the rest of us!  I’m sick and tired of energy going into what seems to be a futile endeavor! Thanks! I feel better now that I got that off my chest!

You might think I’m describing the lack of civility that we sometimes see in our homes between our children.  That would make sense as kids can spend countless hours trying to protect their turf within the house. The back and forth can be draining and downright insane.  As parents, we work hard to raise our children through these crazy years and hopefully teach them to be more civil and respectful toward each other. It is not unusual for adult family members to say things like, “Yeah, we couldn’t stand each other when we were young, but now we are best friends.” As a parent, this is the great reward for all of our efforts in raising kids.

I wish I could say that my initial tirade was directed solely toward my house and raising kids, but that would only partially be true.  What I’m really sick and tired of is how childish behavior has crept into our culture; politics, media, business, even religion have fallen into these unhealthy and unsustainable behaviors.  Yes, the effort to persuade and influence others to a particular point of view at any and all cost has left is well beyond the activities of a couple of siblings fighting for turf. It is now full-blown in nearly all parts of our society.  In fact, the attacks and bickering within our politics, businesses, sports, churches, schools, and neighborhoods make a home filled with sibling rivalry look like a picnic.

Disagreement is not unhealthy.   Being challenged is good and can be healthy! Challenge leads to growth. Whether it is challenging our muscles, our creativity, our relationships, or even our faith. However, it must come with some ground rules and a greater purpose. Disagreement for the sake of protecting “your” way, is not necessarily healthy.  But, challenge for the sake of protecting something greater than yourself; i.e. principles, can be very healthy.

When we adopted our three children, Linda and I were completely blown away by how much fighting and arguing was going on inside our house.  While raising our older sons, we seldom experienced much feuding and when disagreements arose, we quickly resolved them. In fact, we often stated that our goal was to have a house of peace.  The world was crazy enough, we needed to make sure our house was a place where we could be recharged and ready to take on another crazy day in a crazy world. Needless to say, when we adopted our three younger children the daily fighting, yelling, and bickering between them was disturbing.  Honestly, it made wanting to come home less attractive than I had ever experienced. Who wants to walk into a firestorm of mean and selfish rants every day? Not me!

Linda and I had to quickly change our focus on what was important in our home.  We realized that our kids had spent their entire lives fighting for themselves. They had no vision of what it was to fight for their family. Our entire focus had to turn to teaching, “family first”. This has not been easy or fast. Our culture has more recently, (the past 30 years), placed greater emphasis and promotion of immediate gratification and getting what we want with little consideration of what others might want or need.  Trying to teach that getting your own way often comes at the expense of another person can be a difficult process, especially when the culture promotes selfishness.

We realized that our kids were operating with what I refer to as an empathy deficit.  It is often difficult for them to see things through another person’s eyes.  The result is often selfish and even inappropriate behaviors. Fighting, bickering, and self-promotion are some of the common behaviors you see with an empathy deficit.

So, rather than simply state that our house needed to be a house of peace.  We started to teach what our decisions might feel like from another person’s point of view.  For example, saying that stealing is bad is only a good first step. But for kids that are used to getting whatever they want, no matter how they get it, stealing happens to become a means to an end.  So, how do you teach this kind of thing?

Time must be spent on teaching and experience the emotions created by right and wrong.  For example, when a young child steals a toy, they may feel happy because they have a new toy. But, how does the child feel that the toy was stolen from?  This is where we begin to teach empathy. This can be done through role-playing or experiencing natural consequences. In other words, “how would you feel if someone stole that from you?”  Or, since you stole that item, you must return it, apologize, and pay back double the cost. Ouch!

Teaching younger children to ask questions like “How was your day?” is a powerful first step to teach younger children about empathy.  Once our children begin to understand empathy, it is much easier for them to transfer that into adult relationships and interaction. Remember the Golden Rule?  Treat others the way you want to be treated!  Matthew 7:12 states; So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the prophets.

Where does this all lead us?  Much of what we see in our society today grows out of what we are already seeing in our homes.  If our homes are filled with dissension and fighting today, our society will be filled with dissension and fighting tomorrow.  If we really want to stop this insanity, we need to start in our homes. I believe it is a worthy effort to strive to make your house a “house of peace”!  Maybe perfection is not attainable, but at least setting up a general expectation will allow our families to become more cohesive. Start today by teaching your kids the value of empathy...The Golden Rule!

Negotiating with Your Child?

Ever have this at your dinner table? You spent a long time preparing a great meal only to have your child turn her nose up at it. She pouts and shouts and refuses to eat until you finally give in and let her eat whatever she wants out of the fridge.

Negotiation is a great thing when it is done correctly.  Over my years of working with others, I’ve had many opportunities to walk through the negotiation process.  Early on, I realized that for me to even think about entering into this process, several key understandings and beliefs had to be in place between the involved parties.  If they were not, it was better to not even entertain the process. Negotiations will only stand a chance at being successful if the process is standing on the following pillars:

• Mutual Respect

• Trust

• Good Faith and Intent

• Understanding and Belief in the Process

• Shared Values

Whether it be purchasing a car or a house.  Interviewing for a job, or settling a business deal.  Negotiations can be very rewarding and successful when they stand on the above pillars. Without these, the process will at best, fall short, at worst, be disastrous and potentially harmful and costly to the involved parties.

So what does all of this have to do with negotiating with your child? Over the years, I’ve had many discussions with parents about negotiating with their children.  I’ve even had several cases in which parents were impressed that their elementary aged child was becoming a skilled negotiator. They seemed to applaud the process. Often, they would state something to the effect of, “Hey, in my world, learning to be a strong negotiator is a valuable skill.  Someday, it may make them a lot of money!”

Yes, there may be some truth to this, but here is my opinion on negotiating with a child.  I would never want to negotiate with someone that did not work from the pillars previously mentioned:  Mutual Respect, Trust, Good Faith/Intent, Understanding/ Belief in the Process, and Shared Values. With that being said, I strongly encourage parents to avoid negotiating with their young children.  Why you may ask? Let’s look at the typical child. Now, this isn’t meant to be mean or ill-spirited, but rather, truthful. Our kids are born and quickly develop into selfish beings. If you don’t believe me, go hang around a 2 - 3-year old for about 30 minutes. The terrible twos are terrible because the child has become aware of themselves and how they interact with the world. Their little brains are excited to think about things they want and finding ways to execute getting those things...at any and all cost! Tantrums, crying, sibling rivalry, and attempts at negotiating are just part of a young child’s day.

Our young children are not bad or evil for thinking of themselves first but do not be fooled.  Children are by their nature, selfish. It is a very abstract thought process to step outside of your own thoughts and desires and think about what someone else might be feeling or thinking.  This process is slowly learned, and the brain has to develop and mature just to be capable of doing such thinking.

You may be asking…why don’t you trust your kids? My response is simple…I do not trust them YET! Trust is something that must be developed and grown.  Trust occurs when people are working from a respected and shared value system.  A child doesn’t know what is valued in a relationship until they are old enough to understand how a relationship works? I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to work with thousands of kids.  What I know to be true is that no matter how good that child is, they simply are not ready for high level or abstract thinking An elementary age child is still learning how to interact with others and how to combat the selfish tendency hardwired into all of us.  

Watching kids on the playground is a perfect example.  You will see them argue and bicker back and forth to the point that sometimes just seems cruel.  This cruelty comes out simply because a child is acting like a child, selfish. They want what they want no matter what you want.  

So, as part of the process of becoming a well adjusted and successful adult, we learn to temper our selfish hard wiring and develop important relationship tools such as empathy, understanding, and effective communication.  These skills may not seem difficult on the surface, but I believe it is the reason for much of the conflict in our world today.  Politics, business, marriage, parenting, etc…, trouble comes when we revert back to our selfish tendencies and presume our way is the only way.

So, let me suggest that we don’t negotiate with our children until they have learned the following:  

• Mutual Respect

• Trust

• Good Faith and Intent

• Understanding and Belief in the Process

• Shared Values

The way kids learn and understand these essential pillars of negotiation is by first teaching them the tools of empathy, understanding, and effective communication.  This can be more difficult for some children than others.  As the parent, you want to teach these skills and then help them understand how they build strong and healthy relationships.  So, if you want your children to grow up to be successful and well-adjusted adults, please do not spend your time negotiating with them.  Rather, spend your time teaching and encouraging your children to understand the value of valuing others.  Once you begin to have confidence in their ability to value others, then you will find yourself being more comfortable entering into the negotiation process.  Not only will this help your children, but it will help all the people your children come into a relationship with as an adult.  I don’t know about you, but I would call that a Win-Win DEAL!

Parenting in a Tech Heavy World

As a parent or grandparent, are you desperate for some help in the area of technology/social media?  In his book, The Tech Wise Family, author Andy Crouch surveyed a thousand parents of children ages 4-17 and asked them, “What is the number one concern you have as a parent?” Out of a thousand surveyed, the number one thing parents were concerned about for their children was technology/social media.

Finding a healthy balance in this fast paced, ever changing digital age is so hard for families today. Parents have nothing to draw from or compare it to. They didn’t grow up with a phone in their pocket that demanded their attention 24/7. Parents are struggling on how to find that healthy balance for their family. The constant demand for connectedness and the increasing stress they face every day is becoming overwhelming for our kids. This tech heavy world is too difficult for children to navigate alone.

My husband and I feel like we have parented children in two different worlds. Raising our two older sons just 10 years ago looked very different than raising our three youngest today. Shortly after adopting our youngest three a few years ago, we began hearing things like “If you loved me, you’d buy me a phone.” “I’m the ONLY one in my class without a phone.” So many children and parents have mistakenly equated technology with love.  Not wanting their child to feel ostracized or left out, parents give in to the pressure purchasing devices they often can't afford and putting them in the hands of kids who often can’t handle them.

Many adults rationalize their technology decisions with their kids by comparing it to their own technology use.  I often hear parents say things like, “My kids already know more about technology than I do. Why bother?” “I’m tired of the fight. If you can’t beat them, join them”  “I’ve got good kids. This really doesn’t apply to me”. “They are just like me. I can’t live without it either.”

As a parent or grandparent, we can NOT afford to be passive bystanders or hide our heads in the sand. Our society is reaping the consequences of our decisions, and our children’s health is at stake!  Much research has been done on the detrimental effects excessive screen usage has on a child’s brain development. A child’s prefrontal cortex, the decision making part of the brain, is not fully developed until their early 20’s. Many children today are suffering from Excessive Screen Syndrome (ESS) which causes a hyper arousal of a child’s sensitive nervous system creating dysfunction in school, home and social interactions. ESS affects sleep, diet, behavior, family dynamics and school performance. Do you know a child struggling with irritability, depression, tantrums, poor self-regulation, social immaturity, insomnia, oppositional-defiant behaviors, disorganized behavior, poor sportsmanship, or learning difficulties? Researchers would contend that it very well could be because of excessive screen time. (Reset Your Child’s Brain, Victoria Dunckley MD, 2015)

“We’ve made a conscious decision in our home to stop giving our kids what they WANT or what the world says they should have and start giving them what they NEED! ”

— Linda Hutchinson

Teaching your child self control NOW has a direct correlation to their health and success as an adult. (The Collapse of Parenting, Dr. Leonard Sax, 2017) As parents, we must decide now that character traits like self control, integrity, and honesty take priority over how connected we are to the world. We’ve made a conscious decision in our home to stop giving our kids what they WANT or what the world says they should have and start giving them what they NEED!  Yes, technology is a regular battle in our home too, but remember you are the parent. Kelly Newcom, author and founder of Brave Parenting, writes about this very topic in her book, Managing Media-Creating Character. Kelly (Rodden) Newcom, an East Central High School grad, grew up in SE Indiana and now lives in Texas with her husband and 7 children. Her book is a great resource for any parent.

Technology/social media is here to stay and can be used for positive things, but don’t be naive to think it doesn’t come at a cost. How many more horror stories do we have to read about in the paper or hear on the news?  Cyber bullying, sexting, suicide, murder….when do we finally say something has to change? I believe we can help by starting in our homes. Here are some practical suggestions to help you create a healthy media plan for your family. Together, we can make a difference.

• CREATE A FAMILY MEDIA PLAN-Have a family meeting. Set the reset button and model for your children a healthy balance with technology. Develop a family media plan with limits and guidelines and stick to it. Remember, you are not their friend; you are their parent. There’s a difference! Consistency is the key. Click HERE to create a family media plan today.

• LIMIT ACCESS AND USAGE-Set screen time limits for your whole house based on their age and maturity and enforce them.The longer you wait to give a child a phone, the longer you have influence over their decisions. The minute they can access a friend without your permission, you’ve lost your voice and place as the primary influence in their lives. Let go SLOW. Don’t use screens as a pacifier or babysitter. For screen time guidelines for different ages and more help on this topic, go to healthychildren.org.

• NO SCREENS AT THE DINNER TABLE-Spend the time talking about the highs and lows of the day and investing in the relationships around you. Your spouse and children need to know they take priority over your phone.

• NO SCREENS IN A CHILD’S BEDROOM-Sleep deprivation is the biggest culprit for the anxiety, depression, and learning difficulties our kids are experiencing today. Charge all phones and tablets in a parent’s bedroom including friends who spend the night.

• LIMIT SOCIAL MEDIA-Do not recommend for elementary or middle school students. Monitor activity. Inappropriate behavior results in no social media. Know accounts and passwords. Remember, you are still the parent and as long as you are paying the bills and they are under your roof, you have the power!

Need help navigating these uncharted waters of technology/social media as a family? Contact us at 812-576-ROCK or rocksolidfamilies.org.

Baby, its Cold Outside!

I know, I’m supposed to be content in all situations. I’m not supposed to grumble or complain. Okay! Okay!  But can you just give me a minute to vent? I hate WINTER! Great! Now that I got that off my chest, let’s move on.  I really don’t hate everything about winter. I like the snow and the holidays, but I hate not being outside and active like I am in the warmer months.  The limited daylight and colder temperatures make it much less inviting to do the things I enjoy outside. In the wonderful Ohio Valley, we have more than our share of cloudy and raining days in the winter.  I think I must have some hibernation tendencies in me because it’s a pretty much a guarantee that I’m going to gain an extra 10 pounds every winter. I also notice that my energy and mood tend to be lower. My wife might even say I have a bad attitude in the winter.  And she might be right!

So, over the years, I’ve had to be very intentional about taking care of myself especially in the winter months.  I understand that I have a choice in how my winters are going to go, and how I’m going to deal with them. Here are some of the things that I have used to stay healthy and keep my winter blues in check:

• Be intentional about your exercise and activity level.  Typically this is so much easier in the summer. But in the winter you have to make it a priority.  Join a gym. Schedule a time in your day to workout. Sign up for a basketball or volleyball league. Join us at Rock Solid Families for a fitness class.

• Limit your screen time.  TV’s, computers, and phones all have one thing in common, they have you sitting on your tail way too much.  Excessive sitting causes muscles and joints to get stiff. It also is not demanding many calories, so your calories are stored as fat.  Ugh!

• Start an indoor project. Maybe it’s time to remodel or paint a room. Do you have a garage or barn that you can fix a vehicle or restore an old car in?  How about a woodworking project? My mom used to love to do a winter puzzle!

• Commit to an activity or organization several hours a week.  Maybe it’s a bible study at church, or lunch with friends. Putting this on the calendar gives you something to look forward to and gets you out and moving.

• Be mindful of your eating, especially the carbs!  Carbohydrates are sometimes called “feel-good” foods.  Sugars and grains that taste good and make us feel good, but only for a short time.  Carbohydrates play havoc on your body. You crave them, they make you feel good, then, crash!  Yes, due to the insulin rush into your bloodstream to pull all that sugar out of the blood and into the cells as fast as possible.  The problem is this immediate rise and fall of sugar in the bloodstream leaves us feeling tired, groggy, and even depressed. If this is happening on a daily basis, we can find ourselves dealing with sugar-induced depression.

• Sunlight exposure!  There is no shortage of research data that demonstrates how exposure to sunlight helps to lift our mood.  Over the years, researches have coined the phrase S.A.D., Seasonal Affective Disorder. S.A.D., is actually nothing new.  It used to go by such terms as Winter Blues or Cabin Fever. S.A.D. is simply a drop in mood and energy that is triggered by the reduced amount of sunlight exposure.  Most people experience some level of this but are able to work through it without incident. However, if S.A.D symptoms are keeping you from being the person you know you can be, then it may be time to get help.  Diet, exercise, prayer, artificial sun-lamps, talk therapy, and even medications are among the few things available to reverse S.A.D.

Okay, so now that I’ve reminded myself on how to get through these cold, dark dreary days of winter.  I need to get out of my chair and go for walk! Embrace the cold!

Philippians 2:14

Do everything without complaining and arguing...

The Little Things

I would love to say that today’s blog is a warm and fuzzy one all about the little things that “make the season bright”. Instead, it’s a confession. It’s a confession on this week before Christmas about how I have let the little things crowd out the important ones. Anyone else with me? You know who you are. As a matter of fact, you’re not even sure you have time to read this whole thing, because you have a million things swimming around in that head of yours with just a few days before Christmas. Stay with me. Like God did with me, I think the Lord wants to minister to your heart today.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that still has a few things on their to do list before Christmas arrives. I have lists all over the house. There’s my gift buying list where I’ve tried to mark things off before hiding them away from the kids. There’s my Kroger’s Click it list that I keep adding to before tomorrow’s pick up. I’m trying to avoid having to go INTO the store to pick up last minute things I forgot before I circle around to pick up my Click it order. ( You know you’ve done it too) There’s my guest list for Christmas Eve dinner which is up to 30 people not counting our son’s gigantic puppy and our newest great nephew. There’s my cleaning list for the kids and adults that Merrill has offered to oversee. There’s the birthday party list as we try to squeeze a birthday celebration in with a bunch of teenage boys this weekend for our son with the Christmas Day birthday. There’s my packing list for Merrill and I as we take off right after Christmas to see our oldest son and his family. There’s my packing list for our three youngest who will be staying with their old foster parents while we are gone. Not to mention, my to do list for our ministry, Rock Solid Families.

I say all that to set the stage of where my mind was a few days ago as I ran into an old friend. I had just got out of my car where I had been silently running through every one of those lists above in my head. Ever been there?  I usually like driving with the radio off, so that I can pray while I drive, but not the other day. Instead, my mind was swimming when my friend saw me and asked, “What’s up? Anything?” Before I could catch them, the words that came out of my mouth along with a heavy sigh were “I can’t wait for Christmas to be over”. The weight of those words immediately broke my heart. In that moment, I had allowed all those little things swimming around my head to steal my joy.

We’ve all done it. We’ve all taken our eye off the prize before. That’s what makes us human and not God. The point of this article is two fold. One is to say...you are not alone. Satan is working on us all to distract, discourage, and destroy the good things God is doing in us and around us. The Bible warns, Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8.  After those words flew out of my mouth the other day, I had two choices. Beat myself up or get my eyes back in focus. Jesus talks about this very thing when he warns us not to worry. So don’t worry about these things, saying, What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear? These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:31-33

The second purpose of this article is to encourage you to keep your eyes wide open to how the Lord is working and moving in your life. It’s easy to miss it if you allow yourself to get to distracted or discouraged like I was. Like Jesus said, seek Him first.  I walked away from my friend earlier this week so mad at myself for letting all those little things crowd out the important one- Jesus. As I walked into the store, I noticed the song playing over the speaker. It was a country singer singing Away in a Manger. How ironic that I would even notice the music playing in the background let alone a religious Christmas song. I had to chuckle and smile. It was as if the Lord was gently guiding my eyes back to the reason for the season. The next morning,  I opened my Jesus Calling devotion and found these words waiting for me, “Do not be weighed down by the clutter in your life; lots of little chores to do sometime, in no particular order. If you focus too much on these petty tasks, trying to get them all out of the way, you will discover that they are endless...Seek My face continually throughout the day. Let my Presence bring order to your thoughts infusing Peace into your entire being.” In God’s perfect timing and gentle way, He was reminding me that when I put Him first, he’ll help me take care of all those other little things. He was ministering to me in that moment and reminding me He’s got this.

If you’re reading this and you’re still feeling overwhelmed, please know we are praying for you. Our prayer is that you experience the peace and joy only a risen Savior can give you. From our family to yours, Merry Christmas!

One Size Does Not Fit All

How many times have you made the statement; “I wish these kids came with an instruction manual!” Yes, don’t we all!  

One Size Does Not Fit All!

In an effort to help people, many experts have written books about child rearing, but all too often, the information falls short. This is especially true in dealing with difficult subjects such as discipline, self-esteem, confidence, and social interaction.  You quickly glean through the well-intended tactics from your favorite new book, only to find out that it doesn’t quite work like they said it would. Ugh!!! What’s even more frustrating is when you use the material on one of your children with excellent outcomes, but it’s a complete failure on their sibling.  Typically, I will hear parents say, “They both live in the same house, have the same parents, live with the same rules and experiences, how could they be so different?”

Welcome to parenting! If it were only so easy as to read a book and have all the answers.  What many fail to realize is the uniqueness of every child. It’s for that reason that one size simply does not fit all.  So, how do we go about raising these unique beings? Over the years, I have had the opportunity to try many different tactics and ideas.  Some made me a believer, others, not so much. One thing I came to realize is that I needed to stop looking for “cookie-cutter” answers and take the time to learn who the child was.  Let me explain.

I listen to people talk about bringing back paddling into the school, of which I’m not opposed. However, I will tell you that paddling is not the answer for all kids. I've dealt with some kids that need little more than a stern voice to curb an unwanted behavior.  On the other hand, I’ve seen kids that I truly believed you could have hit with a 2x4 and they would respond with, “is that all you got”?

I’ve also heard people discuss how building confidence and self-esteem is critical.  On the surface, this seems reasonable, but again one size does not fit all. Some kids come to us with confidence dripping out of their pores.  In fact, if they don’t know how to handle it, they can be some of the worst people to associate with. Ever met someone who was always right or difficult to teach or coach? This type of confidence exudes itself as arrogance.  And, yes, there are those kids that doubt everything they say or do. Never believing they are good enough, constantly seeking affirmation, and quite frankly, often just as difficult to be around as the arrogant child.

As a parent, understanding this scripture is critical to raising your unique child.

Romans 12:4-8 (NIV)

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Yes, every body part has significant value to the total body.  One is not better than another. Would it make sense to make your eye function and behave like your ear?  That’s ridiculous! So is it ridiculous to think we should expect the same function and behavior from our kids. Should they all go to college? Should they all play sports? Should they all like to read? Should they all be leaders? The easy answer is NO!  But, way too often we see parents pushing things that may very well be what the world is saying is important, but not what God intended for your child.

 How do we deal with these unique kiddos?  

1. Spend time working on what your child needs the most help with.  If your child is a naturally confident, borderline arrogant child, you may have to help them understand and practice humility.  Teaching them how to listen to other’s point of view.  Teaching them how to let others go first. Teaching them to be better listeners and value the opinions of others. Teaching them to openly admit when they are wrong and make necessary apologies.

If your child lacks confidence, then you most likely do not need to spend a great deal of time teaching humility. Rather, you could begin to work on their positive self-talk.  You do not tolerate or accept excuses or down-trodden talk. You strongly challenge them to take action. If it leads to a win, you celebrate it. If it leads to a loss, you teach them how to learn from the failure.  

2. Teach your child to NEVER be a Victim! No matter what cards your child has been dealt, they will have their share of failure in their life. Teaching your child to come out as a victor rather than a victim is a lifelong tool that will serve your child well no matter who they are. Whether your child is an academic genius, or struggling to pass school, a potential pro-athlete, or sitting the bench, you can still teach them the value in never being a victim. We do this by teaching our kids to own or take responsibility for everything they do.  We do not tolerate excuses or blames.  No, it’s not the referee’s fault that you lost the game.  It may sound good at the time, but it completely removes responsibility from your child to get better.  Teaching your child to be a victor is one of the most empowering things that you can do. They will no longer have to wait for things to go their way.  They will begin to understand what it means to Make it a Great Day rather than Have a Great Day!

3. Teach your child the value of Self-Discipline. I remind my kids even when they don’t want to hear it; “I will discipline you until you can learn to discipline yourself!”  That is the key to why we discipline our children.  We really just need them to self-discipline. Again, no matter who your child is, research has proven time and time again, that a necessary trait for happiness and success in life is self-control. https://www.inc.com/rohini-venkatraman/science-says-self-control-is-a-key-success-factor-boost-yours-immediately-with-these-tips.html

Your kids will not like this parenting tactic, but you owe it to them to help them to practice the skill of self-control in their daily activities and decision making. Immediate gratification and self-control are on two opposite ends of the spectrum.  Help your child move toward the side of long term success and happiness - self control!

4. Teach your child about God and why he created them the way they are.  As your child grows up, they begin to have the ability to compare.  Yes, they compare how good they are, how bad they are, how tall they are, how smart they are, how athletic they are, how artistic they are, and the list goes on.  They soon realize that they are never going to be the best at everything. Someone will always be better! This is where we get into the self-esteem concerns. Self-esteem drops when a child believes there is something wrong with them.  Simply stated; they aren’t good enough!

Teach your child about their total uniqueness. They entered this world as a unique Child of God made in His image.  No one in the world is who they are. No one in the world has the exact combinations of talents, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses.  This combination has been hand selected by God. Teach them to stop wanting to change what God has created and embrace who He intended them to be.  Teach them to identify their strengths and then build them. Teach them to identify their weaknesses and how these weaknesses will help steer their path to serve out God’s intention for their life.  

Don’t fall into the trap of letting the world determine who your child should be.  Encourage them to be who God intended them to be. Like the old adage says, “God doesn’t make junk”!