Living His Best Life

Have you ever had one of those people in your life that makes you feel like the most important person in the room? That was Frank Pierce. Frank was a 2016 graduate of LaSalle High School who graduated top five in his class. He went on to the University of Cincinnati on a full ride academic scholarship but also competed as a Division 1 collegiate athlete.  Frank studied Mechanical Engineering and was able to complete his Bachelors and Master Degrees in less than 5 years. Frank was a hard working, determined young man.  After graduation, he landed his dream job and bought his first fixer upper home. Even in his own words, Frank would tell you, “Life was good”.  Despite all of those personal accomplishments, however, Frank Pierce would still make you feel like the most important person in the room. 

Life on Mission
Friends and family would say Frank lived his life on mission being intentional about connecting with others and taking the time to genuinely get to know you. He would regularly open up his new home to bible studies, mentoring, or just hanging out with friends. Frank was soft spoken, humble, and genuine but yet still confident, steadfast, and determined. Frank was a young man of deep faith who went to mass and prayed his rosary daily. Everyone who met Frank Pierce loved him, and they knew he loved them back. He wasn’t afraid to say it or show it.  

A Day Many Will Not Soon Forget
Which is why September 1, 2020 is a day so many will not soon forget. No one prepares you for a sheriff coming to your door to tell you your oldest son has tragically died in a car accident at the age of 22. No one is ready for that punch in the gut. No one prepares you for that diagnosis or phone call, but it still happens. Loved ones are left behind trying to navigate the sadness, denial, anger, and maybe even unforgiveness that comes with grief. Maybe that’s you this holiday season missing a loved one around the table. Maybe you are dreading the holidays as you hang those ornaments on the tree. That’s where we found Frank’s parents, Peggy and Tom Pierce, when they walked into our office back in the summer of 2022

Drifting Apart in Their Grief
As the two year anniversary approached of their oldest son’s death, Peggy and Tom Pierce found themselves drifting apart as they grieved in their own but very different way. Peggy wanted to talk about and celebrate Frankie’s life with those who knew and loved him. She wanted a partner to walk alongside her on the tough days. Tom, on the other hand, didn’t know what to do with his grief. He spent many days just mad at the world taking it out on the people he loved the most. He didn’t know what else to do with the pain, so he unknowingly shut down or lashed out at those closest to him.

Helping Each Other Grieve
When Peggy and Tom came to Rock Solid Families, they began to work through their grief together for the very first time. Yes, there were lots of tears but also laughter as they shared story after story about this amazing young man. They have spent hours working through the pain and discovering how they can help each other grieve in a healthy and loving way. Along with the stories, they have shared things others wrote about Frankie after he passed and words Frankie wrote himself.  

Why So Young?
As I poured through all the things Frank wrote and others wrote about Frank, I was blown away by the deep, abiding faith this young man had. I could see how much Frank loved God as well as his family and friends and how much others loved Frank. And then there are all those unanswered questions his friends and family still have. “Why Lord?” “Why Frank?” “Why so young?” He was only 22. But then I found something. Something I think Frank would want us all to know about his life AND his death. It was tucked away in a talk he gave to young men and women at a retreat just a year before he passed. 

A Message of HOPE
So as this holiday approaches, give these words a chance to sink in. Let this message of HOPE be a healing salve on any festering wounds or unhealed brokenness in your life. Let the good news of Christ be the key that unlocks those chains of grief or unforgiveness. Frank knew that it didn’t matter how many times he went to mass or how often he prayed his rosary. In his short 22 yrs, Frank discovered a truth that many will go their entire life and never learn. It was at the core of who he was and why I believe God put him on this earth in the first place. It’s a message I think he would want everyone reading this to receive and hold close in their heart. And it’s this…

God’s Free Gift
God’s grace is a free gift- for you and for me. God sent his one and only son, Jesus, to die for our sins.  Our sin debt is a debt we can never repay on our own, and no matter how successful or talented Frank was, he would never deserve it or earn it. That’s why it’s called a gift. Paul writes in Ephesians 2:8-9,  “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast.”

As one college friend wrote about Frank after he passed away, “The way that he lived and encountered others was born out of the free gift of God’s grace; a grace that Frank sought after relentlessly and pursued with such

trust, diligence and discipline.” That’s who Frank Pierce was. 

Living His Best Life
God calls us all to so much more than just what we DO’; it’s about who we belong to. In his short but rich life, Frank finally came to that important truth for himself. Frank knew he couldn’t fix himself by himself. We are all broken people in need of a Savior.  Freedom and peace come only through God, His Son Jesus, and his amazing gift of grace. That’s where Frank’s identity and purpose came from and where ours could come from too; no matter how many years we have left on this earth.  That’s how Frank Pierce found freedom in Christ. He allowed the Holy Spirit to come alive in his heart and mind. He surrendered his way for God’s way and experienced a peace that passes all understanding. It’s why Frank is now experiencing eternal life and freedom in heaven.  Frank Pierce is living his best life for ever with his Heavenly Father, and he can’t wait for you and I to get there.

Six Essential Qualities of a Healthy Mom

Every day, I work with moms of all ages who are hungry for healthy. They come in our doors at Rock Solid Families not knowing even what that would look like, but they know they are not happy with the way their life is going. Many are exhausted from doing more than God has called them to do. Some feel like they are all alone and have isolated themselves from other healthy people. Some have believed the lies that others have told them or maybe that they have told themselves. 

Which is why earlier this month, I started a Healthy Mom Facebook group and within days hundreds of women joined. If you’re a mom on social media, you may belong to other mom’s groups, and if so, I would caution you to be aware of what you are reading and listening to. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are some great moms groups out there, but many of the “popular” ones with thousands and thousands of members are doing more harm than good when it comes to helping moms get healthy. Many moms spend their time on social media complaining about someone or something else that has done them wrong. They spend much of their time putting children on a pedestal and turning them into a god they can’t live without. 

If you’re a mom, I wanted to give you six essential qualities to strive for and maybe even get help with to get healthy. These qualities encompass mind, body, and spirit. All three areas are equally important so that we can model for our children what healthy looks like.

1. Healthy People-Healthy Moms seek relationships with other healthy people. It’s important to surround yourself with people who won’t always tell you what you WANT to hear but what you NEED to hear. Make sure you align yourself with people who have similar character and values as you want for yourself and your family. Notice I didn’t say “perfect people”. You’re just looking for healthy ones. Healthy rubs off, but remember so does unhealthy. You may have even said to your kids before…”you are who your friends are”. The same holds true for adults. Don’t have any healthy people in your life? Get connected to a local church. It’s a great place to start. 

2. Healthy Boundaries-Healthy moms have healthy boundaries and know what’s in their control and what’s not. They focus on what is their responsibility and within their control.  Healthy moms don’t make excuses or enable by doing for their children what they can do for themselves. If you don’t have a clue where to start in setting healthy boundaries but you want to learn, I highly recommend the book, Boundaries. I read this book decades ago and it was truly a game changer in my life.

3. Healthy Parenting-Part of being a healthy mom is understanding what season of parenting you are in and adjusting how you lead according to that season. For example, you may serve and care for your 6 month old’s every need, but that should not be how you parent your child when they are 6 or 16. For more on the different seasons of parenting, check out our podcast, Rock Solid Radio and the series we did on the Seasons of Parenting by clicking HERE.

4. Healthy Habits-It’s important our kids see us model healthy habits such as our eating, exercise, and sleeping patterns. Things like how we handle our anger, our alcohol, our money…they are watching our every move. What are our kids seeing in us? Do you struggle with some unhealthy, maybe even toxic habits? Find a Celebrate Recovery group near you where you can get help with hurts, habits, and hang-ups. Click HERE for more information or to find a group near you.

5. Healthy Love-Healthy moms are free to love others well because they don’t hold on to unforgiveness or put the people they love on a pedestal for them to fall off of. They have owned and dealt with their past, so it doesn’t control their future. For more information on How We Love check out our podcast, Rock Solid Radio by clicking HERE.

6. Healthy Faith-All of the above qualities are meaningless if they are not built upon an unshakable and unchanging foundation of faith. We can’t build our lives and families on shifting and sinking sand. Our world today is buying the lie of relativism and the idea that you can have your “own truth”.  Healthy moms fight for absolute truth and the unshakable foundation of God’s Word in their life and the life of their family. For help understanding what absolute truth looks like go to God’s Word. If you don’t know where to start, click HERE to watch an episode of Rock Solid Radio where we talked about Absolute Truth. 

So there you have it. The secret formula for a Healthy Mom. It’s not rocket science, but it is amazing to me how many women did NOT see healthy models growing up and have no idea where to start. If that’s you, I would highly recommend you start with the first one. Surround yourself with some safe, healthy people and give them permission to speak into your life. Admit that you don’t know where to start but that you want healthy for you and your family. I did this very thing over 25 yrs ago, and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I began making deep connections with women who are still precious friends today. My marriage is now strong and my family is thriving and growing, because I fought for healthy over two decades ago. Ladies, you can have the same. Take a step today and fight for healthy!

If you need help taking a step toward healthy, we’d love to help. Just click HERE to contact us.

Breaking Free from Abuse

Hanging on the wall in my office is one of the sweetest gifts I have ever received from a client. We’ll call her Natalie to protect her and her family. Natalie gave me this beautiful hand painted picture a while back of two girlfriends standing side by side to thank me for walking alongside her during some of her darkest days. It’s a gift I will always treasure as a reminder of HOPE and God’s healing power.

Feeling Like There’s No Way Out
I have had the privilege of walking alongside so many women over the past 30 years who like Natalie are dealing with very difficult and sometimes abusive situations. Made to feel worthless and unlovable through their abuser’s power and control over them, these women often stay in very unhealthy relationships thinking there is no other alternative. Most often it’s coming from a spouse, but I’ve also seen this kind of unhealthy abusive relationship with a parent, boyfriend, or even a sibling.

Seeing Yourself Through God’s Eyes
My goal is to help women see themselves as God sees them instead of only through the lens of their abuser. It’s hard for women coming out of abusive relationships to break free and find their inner voice and identity in Christ. That was true for Natalie. After leaving her abusive husband, this young mom had to be super intentional about surrounding herself with healthy women who would speak the truth in love to her. This was NOT the time for her to jump back into dating again or get emotionally caught up with another man. She had a lot of healing to do. She had to first receive God’s love and find her worth and value through God’s eyes, not another man’s. 

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
It’s important for all of us to learn what healthy relationships look like, but it’s especially important for those in abusive ones. Otherwise, the cycle of abuse continues and is passed down to the next generation. At first, the abuser is usually very charming but persuasive slowly exerting more and more control over their victim. After a while, the abuser may try and isolate their victim convincing them to quit their job or pull away from family and friends. If a victim pushes back, an abuser will often use their kids or other family members against her to make her feel guilty or crazy. This is called “gaslighting”. It's hard for women in abusive relationships to not just “give in” and go back into those unhealthy patterns without any help or healing.  They have spent years, sometimes even decades, under the power and control of their abuser to a point where it becomes “normal” and in a strange way even “comfortable”.  

Creating New Healthy Patterns
It’s hard for both the abuser and victim to understand, but it’s near to impossible for help and healing to occur after abuse while both are under the same roof. Most often, a physical separation and a considerable amount of time is needed for new, healthy patterns to be learned and trusted. Often, the most dangerous point in the relationship is when the woman says she is leaving. Feeling his power and control slipping away, the abuser will often escalate things to dangerous threats and physical violence trying to convince the victim to stay. 

Feeling Safe and Loved Again
Natalie shares, “I was finally able to break free from all those years of not feeling worthy of being loved. I am now able to receive love and see myself the way God sees me. I have learned how to use my voice in a positive, healthy way and surround myself with a circle of healthy people. I have slowly learned how to be vulnerable again with safe people. When I look at the mountain of blessings God has given me since breaking free, it gives me hope for tomorrow. Even when the enemy tries to worm his way in, I have hope because God is fighting my battles for me and he has already won.”

Need to Break Free from Abuse?
If you need help breaking free from an abusive relationship, please reach out. You can contact us at 812-576-ROCK. If we can’t help you directly, we will connect you with someone who can. If you are experiencing physical abuse or feel unsafe in your home, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline immediately at 1-800-799-7233. There is HOPE and HELP available. 

Six Essential Steps to a Rock Solid Family

At Rock Solid Families, we have the privilege of working with couples and families every day.  We believe families are the most important building blocks of our society and when families aren’t doing well, so goes society.  So, without apology, we believe families must be intentional about being healthy and functioning well.  This may sound like common sense to many, but it’s getting harder and harder to identify what a healthy family looks like.  What happening behind closed doors in strong and healthy homes compared to dysfunctional, unhealthy ones?  What can we do to help to build a stronger and healthier community and society?

At the risk of oversimplifying, we want to give you six essentials that every healthy parent can do TODAY to build a healthier family and society for TOMORROW.  

1. Healthy parents lead the family.  Parents are naturally in a position of authority and leadership in the home. Most parents have something that children often don’t have when they are young and that is WISDOM. Parents must stop second-guessing what they know to be right. They can draw from their own upbringing along with all their past experiences and begin to form a greater understanding of what works and what doesn’t.  

2. Healthy parents unite and determine the VALUES of the home and how the family will operate under that value system.  For us, that’s our Christian faith and beliefs. Parents that have not defined their family values will soon see that the children will live for the most important thing in their lives, themselves. If you don’t understand this, just look at the behavior of a 2-year-old or a 16-year-old. The only difference is about 3 feet. In order to help our children through these times of self-seeking desires, we as parents must continue to guide them into the values of the family over the values of self.  In our home, Christ is priority #1 , and he is the rock solid foundation we build upon and lean on when the storms in life come.

3. Healthy parents teach the essential SOCIAL SKILLS for living with others. Please stop underestimating the importance of teaching your children manners and civility.  Manners are of primary importance in society.  Manners are our way to demonstrate that other people are also important and valuable.  Children that fail to learn and demonstrate that others have value tend to develop a practice of valuing themselves above all else.  The term we use for this is narcissist. People that operate with a high level of narcissism tend to have greater difficulties in relationships in their personal lives as well as professional lives.  They are less tolerant of others.  They get frustrated more easily when things aren’t going their way.  They are faster to change jobs or get out of relationships because they are fast to put their needs ahead of others.  In the short term, this can make them happy.  But in the long term, there is often less happiness as they look back and see a wake of broken relationships and a lack of stability in their lives. Never underestimate the importance of the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would want to be treated. 

4. Healthy parents model what they desire in their families. MODELING is best explained by the phrase, “more is caught than taught”.  If you want your children to learn and practice a particular skill or behavior, demonstrate in your daily living.  Things like manners, work ethic, faith, and emotional control are much better taught through daily modeling versus preaching.  A greater concern about modeling is when we as parents preach a particular behavior but act in a completely different manner. This causes confusion within our children and is their first encounter with hypocrisy. 

5. Healthy parents discipline their children.  Proper discipline when a child is young leads to self discipline as they grow older. As the pendulum of life tends to swing from one side to the other.  So too have we seen the pendulum of parents recognizing and implementing discipline in the home.  Many of us grew up with parents we considered to be “strict”.  They would discipline us quickly and often.  But, that idea fell out of vogue around the 1980’s and we now see the fruit of that experiment. We now complain about adults and teens who are selfish, lazy, and entitled.  We wonder why they won’t get off the couch and get a job or work out a marriage when things are getting difficult.  We have come to realize that the quality of life that a person has is largely related to their ability to self-discipline.  The idea of correcting yourself and keeping your desires under control.  We discipline our children now so they will learn to self-discipline as adults. We are now seeing the need for the pendulum to swing back to a healthier need for discipline in the lives of our children. 

6. Healthy parents serve and teach the value of SERVING to their children.  At the age of about 2 years old your child begins to have an understanding of their world.  They begin to interact and express very intentional desires.  This is when parenting truly kicks in. This is when we as parents must recognize the need to teach our children about service to others.  Without the understanding of the need to serve others our children will believe they are only there to serve their own needs.  This does not work well in our adult world.  None of us would be able to survive if we did not understand the value of serving others.  Every job is centered around doing something for someone else.  Providing a value to the life of another person.  Whether it is a doctor, teacher, carpenter, or garbageman, all occupations are rooted in service for the good of another person.  If you believe you can get people to pay you a salary solely by serving your own needs, good luck!  Teaching service is among the greatest gifts you will ever give your children.  Don’t hold this back from them. 

In summary, our children are our greatest resource as a nation; they are our future leaders. Are we setting them up to be great citizens and leaders for the good of all of us?   It is time for us to take a serious look in the mirror to see what we can change to benefit our future. 

Are You Ready For a Vacation?

Spring has sprung, and you know what that means? It's time to start making some summer vacation plans with your family. With only a few years left with our two youngest at home, we’ve tried to be intentional about making memories together. Last summer we went out west and visited places like Sedona and the Grand Canyon. This summer, we are thinking of trying somewhere new, maybe on the northeast coast somewhere.  

Recently, our family spent some time away visiting my parents in Florida over spring break. It’s always fun to escape the dreary March weather and have some fun in the sun. A vacation is defined as a “period of time spent away from home or business-a respite”. Is there such a thing as a respite when you’re vacationing with a junior high boy? I’m just asking for a “friend”. My idea of a vacation is a good book, a cold ice tea, and a comfy lounge chair by the pool. I’ve got our 16 yr old daughter convinced, but that is definitely not the kind of vacation our 14 yr old son enjoys. 

On one of our days in Florida this past spring break, my husband and our teenage son went mountain biking for the afternoon. That guy adventure provided a perfect time for the girls to relax in the pool. It was an amazing day floating on rafts chit chatting with each other while enjoying the calm water and warm sun. That was until we heard the guys return from their adventure and walk through the door. We knew what that meant. Our quiet, relaxing afternoon was about to get cannon balled by a 14 yr old teenager. As we made a beeline for the stairs, our son noticed our quick exit and appeared to get offended. He couldn’t understand why the ladies didn’t want to stay in the pool. He was ready to “have some fun”. So much for the respite!

How about you? Are you an “adventure vacationer” who wants a full itinerary every day of new places to visit and new sites to see? Or are you the “relaxed vacationer” who wants no agenda for your time away? Either way, it’s important that we are intentional about taking vacations and resting our minds. We all need to create some white space or margin in our day, week, and year. Whether it be hiking the Appalachian Trail, cruising the Caribbean or sitting on the beach with a good book, we all need time to relax and reset our mind, body, and spirit.

Like never before, Americans are overworked and sleep deprived. More and more employers are expecting 24 hour access to their employees. Back in the 1940’s, Americans got an average of 7.9 hours of sleep. Now, over 40% of Americans get 6 hours or less of sleep per night. Fifty-four percent of American workers admit to not using all their given vacation time. One fourth of American employees don’t get any paid vacation time at all. Many people are convinced that there are just too many demands, too many responsibilities, too many bills, and too many emergencies to take a vacation. We are living in such a fast-paced, results-oriented world that many people feel like they can’t afford to take time off. They are afraid they’ll be left behind. 

At Rock Solid Families, we are here to say, you can’t afford NOT to take a vacation. Taking time off from the normal stressors of life is essential to your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, professional, and relational health. Every aspect of our lives is negatively affected when our bodies are under a high level of stress. So make a commitment today to get in a better rhythm for your life. Prioritize at least one hour a day, one day a week, and at least one week a year where you will step away from the stressors of life, unplug, and focus on relaxing and unwinding. Maybe, it’s a daily stroll with your spouse. Maybe it’s a weekly church service with your family. Maybe, it’s a mountain bike adventure with your son, or a poolside afternoon with your daughter. Whatever it is, take the time and enjoy the ride. You can’t afford NOT to!

Greatest Humanitarian Crisis since WWII

With all that is happening in our world today for literally millions of Ukranian families, problems in my life seem so insignificant. How about you? Have you taken the time to pause and reflect? For me, personally, I’ve decided it’s time for a shift in perspective. For our family, we’ve been in the middle of some home remodeling projects that have left our house in disarray. It’s been unnerving to have things in chaos around here, until I started watching the news. My heart breaks watching families pack up just enough to carry or wheel behind them and leaving the place they used to call home. I can’t even imagine leaving my home and not having any idea where I was going and not knowing if I would have anything to come back home to.

Doesn’t Compare
It seemed like such an inconvenience to be displaced from our master bedroom and into a spare room until I started watching the news. Children holding on to their stuffed animals in one hand and their mother’s hand with the other. Moms clinging to their children pressing their way through the train station trying to get out of Ukraine. Being displaced from my bedroom seems so ridiculous compared to the millions of refugees displaced from their homes and nation. Mothers and children nestled up together trying to stay warm and safe on subway and train station floors. 

Saying Goodbye
We recently traveled to visit our adult sons and their families on the east coast. Our sons are in the military, so saying goodbye and being apart have become part of our way of life over the past 10 yrs. However, our separation and farewells don’t even compare to what Ukrainian families are going through right now. I turn on the news and realize how blessed I am.  I can’t even imagine kissing my husband and adult sons goodbye and leaving them behind to fight a war they didn’t ask for. My heart breaks for those children who hugged their dads and brothers as they boarded those trains out of Ukraine maybe for the last time.

First World Problems
What have you been focusing on lately? I know the news can be hard to watch sometimes and there are times we do need to turn it off, but I don’t think this is one of them. It's too easy to stay in our own comfortable life and deal with our insignificant “first world” problems. I just heard a report on the refugee crisis where they estimate there could be 4 million people displaced looking for a home before this is all over. These are not just folks looking for a hot meal and an overnight stay. These are women, children, and families that will need a place to call home for months, maybe years to come. What is God calling us to do in this crisis? The war in the Ukraine is creating the greatest humanitarian crisis since WWII. 

Love in Action
It’s hard to know what to do living so far away from the conflict, but God’s word gives us some direction. 

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.  Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically. Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.  When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.  Romans 12: 9-13.

• PRAY. The number one thing we can do for our Ukrainian brothers and sisters is pray. God tells us to be “patient in trouble and keep on praying.” 

• GIVE. Another way we can help is to give. Displaced families are in need of so much and there are already great organizations mobilized on the ground to help. Giving to an organization such as Samaritans Purse ensures it is direct relief to the Ukrainian people in Jesus’ name. 

• BE. As a Christ follower, I am called to BE the hands and feet of Jesus Christ not just in my home and neighborhood but to the world. How about you? Be patient. Be ready to help. Be eager to practice hospitality. That’s what Romans 12 tells us to “be”.

What Are You Focusing On?
What is God asking of us in this crisis? I believe he’s telling us to do exactly what Romans 12 tells us to do; put our love for him into action.  I don’t exactly know what that looks like for you, but I know for me it’s a mindshift away from my trivial first world problems. I can’t dwell on my petty inconveniences when people are running from mortar shells and not knowing where they will get their next meal.  It’s focusing on praying regularly and fervently for the families in Ukraine. It’s giving generously to the humanitarian work being done to help them in Eastern Europe. It’s being open and ready to help in other tangible ways such as meal packing or even opening up our home to those being displaced. Whatever God calls me to do, I need to be ready to put my faith and love into action. 

5 Steps to Finding Your Identity and Purpose

She could hardly look up at me, as I we sat in my office on that hot summer day. She was so weighed down by the guilt and shame from her past, she had no idea how to even answer my questions. “Who is Dawn*, and why is she here?” All she could do was cry…and cry…and cry. It was an ugly cry. It was a couple sessions of ugly cries, but after she had a chance to let the pain go, it was time to begin the healing process. It was time to discover the answers to those two all important questions that would change her life forever-”Who are you?” and “Why are you here?”

Identity and Purpose
I don’t know what the weather is like where you are right now or where you are in life, but I want to talk to you for a moment about two things that are important in any season of our lives- Identity and Purpose. My husband and I have worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and families over the past 30 years who have struggled with one or both of these things. Honestly, identity and purpose are so closely connected, it’s hard to even separate the two. It’s hard to have one without the other.

What About You?
I didn’t just ask Dawn those two questions on that hot July day. I’m asking you, too. “Who are you and why are you here?” It doesn’t matter your age either. You can be an 18 year old young woman and have a very clear vision of your identity and purpose, or you can be a 50 year old man and have no idea. If we were sitting in my office together right now, and I asked you those questions, what would you say?

Not Enough
I can still see the look on one teenage girl’s face not too long ago when I asked her those same two questions. Her answers made my heart sink. “Who am I you ask? Well, I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough”, she said. That’s all she could give me. No wonder she struggled with anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. In her mind, she couldn’t even think of a reason for her to still be here.

Don’t Leave Your Heart Unprotected
You see when we don’t know who we are and why we are here, we set ourselves up for disaster. We allow our minds and hearts to be unprotected and we get wounded and offended easily. We allow the world or someone around us to define us and determine our worth and purpose. Not understanding our identity and purpose is causing one of the greatest epidemics today especially in our children and young adults. It is what is causing this huge crisis in the areas of: gender identity, self harm, hate, division, divorce, suicide, depression, anxiety-you name it.

Starts With You
So what can we do to combat this crisis? How can we help ourselves and those we love from falling into this deadly trap? I’m glad you asked. It starts with YOU. You can’t give someone else something you don’t have yourself. So here are five easy steps to finding YOUR identity and purpose.

Five Steps to Finding Your Identity and Purpose

1. Stay Away From the Lies. Make sure you don’t fall for the lies of identity. These are some common lies we all are tempted to believe when it comes to who we are. They are all sinking sand…

   • I am what I have

   • I am what I do

   • I am what other people say or think of me

   • I am nothing more than my worst mistake

   • I am nothing less than my best accomplishment

2. Commit to an Abundant Mindset-Commit to healthy, positive self talk for yourself and those you care about. Don't be a victim of your circumstances and focus on what you don’t have. Live in an abundant mindset and focus on what you do have. Fix your eyes on being content and grateful for what God has given you and what he has already done in your life. God can take the ugliest of circumstances and create some of the most beautiful victories. 

3. Build on a Strong Faith Foundation-Build an identity and purpose on something that doesn't change like the lies mentioned above. This is where a faith foundation can be critical to a healthy, positive identity and purpose for your life. God created you on purpose for a purpose! Build on His truths.

4. Surround Yourself With Healthy People-Surround yourself with people who will help you. Maybe it’s a mentor, pastor, coach, counselor, healthy friend, someone who will walk alongside you in this journey of self discovery and awareness. Let go of relationships who hold you back from your true identity and purpose. 

5. No More Excuses-Decide today to make this the year you find your identity and purpose in life. Stop floundering and letting everyone else decide who you are and why you are here on this earth. Once you discover who God has created you to be and the amazing plans he has for your life, it won’t matter the circumstances around you. You will have built your life on something that is unshakable even in the middle of the most intense storm. Once you start to understand who you are and why you are here, you will experience a contagious peace and joy that can never be taken away. That, my friends, is the kind of pandemic we need in our world today! 

   *Name changed to protect confidentiality

The Insanity of Arguing

It may not be Google’s definition, but it’s the one we use in our house. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Turns out that isn’t just a saying in the Hutchinson house, but a quote by Albert Einstein. I wonder if Einstein has been listening in on some of our families’ conversations?

When Your Buttons Are Pushed
Why do we keep having the same argument over and over again? “I asked you to put those shoes on the shelf a hundred times.” “I can’t take this yelling one more day!”  Why do we let our spouse or that coworker get under our skin over and over again? It’s like they know how to push that ONE button that just sets us off every time. It’s frustrating, exhausting and let’s face it-insane!

The Blue Pants Fight
What if I told you there is a way to get off the crazy train? What if there was a way to avoid the insanity that comes with those arguments you seem to keep having over and over again. Months after our wedding day, Merrill and I had one of the biggest fights we would ever have in our 34+ yrs of marriage. It was all over a pair of men’s royal blue pants that were too good to pass up, and I do mean BRIGHT ROYAL BLUE! Despite Merrill’s repeated NOs, I took it upon myself to purchase the blue pants for him while he was trying on other clothes. Needless to say, the insanity began with yelling some ugly “choice words”, pants throwing, and two very angry “adults” storming out of the store. We left the sales lady hanging and probably wondering, “what was THAT all about?”

Bubbling Underneath The Surface
What WAS that all about? Why the intense reaction from my husband over a blue pair of pants? The truth is we weren’t arguing about pants at all. That argument was really all about control, and it wasn’t the first time it had happened. It wasn’t the first time I had disrespected my husband’s NO and trumped his opinion with my own. It wasn’t the first time my husband felt like I was trying to control him. But as two young newlyweds, we had not yet learned the tools to repair a conflict or resolve an issue before it blew. 

Resolving Conflict God’s Way
So let me save you the embarrassment we felt over 34 years ago, by giving you some very practical tools to implement TODAY with anyone you come into conflict with. 

1. ASSESS-Ask yourself.  Where is this emotion coming from? What’s really underneath this anger or bitterness? Anger is a secondary emotion that warns you of a deeper offense.

2. TIMEOUT-Recognize your emotions and call for a timeout in order to settle your mind and heart. Nothing good happens when we are trying to resolve conflict in the heat of the moment.

3. REVISIT-Ask to revisit the discussion within 24 hours speaking the truth with love, respect, and gentleness. Don’t brush your hurt under the rug. It only gets bigger later. (Thus the Blue Pants!)

4.  APOLOGIZE FIRST-Own your part of the conflict first even if you feel like you were only 5% responsible and they were 95% of the problem. Lead with an apology or a thank you to drop the defenses down of the other person.  Lead with “I” statements instead of pointing fingers and accusing them. Don’t tack your excuse on the back end of your half hearted apology either. It won’t get you anywhere. Insanity begins when you lead with “YOU ALWAYS…or YOU NEVER…”. Instead say something like  “I am sorry I disrespected your NO. I should have listened to what you wanted”. “I am sorry I blew up at you and embarrassed you in the store. That was wrong of me.” OR “You work your butt off for our family. You deserve to pick your own clothes out.”

5. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND-Do more listening than you do talking. Ask follow up questions to make sure you have clarity to what was really going on inside the other person. The Bible says we are to be “quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry” James 1:19. Make sure you drill down below the surface and get to the root of the anger and hurt early in the conflict so it doesn’t grow into something ugly.  “I’m hurt because I feel disrespected”.  “So what I hear you say is you are hurt, because you feel like I am trying to control you?”  Stay in the present. One thing at a time. That’s why this is so important, so things don’t build up and then blow up down the road. Don’t drag in past hurts. It only shuts down the other person.

6. ASK- Ask the other person. “How can I help this from happening again?” “What do you need from me?” Be sincere in your request. That’s how you keep the argument from being repeated over and over again. Include the other person in the solution.

7. CHANGE BEHAVIOR-Make an effort to correct the behavior and avoid the insanity from happening again. Be quick to catch yourself before the other person does. If you mess up, own it immediately and apologize for it. 

8. EXTEND GRACE-Be generous with forgiveness and grace.  No one is perfect.  Recognize you both are flawed humans working to resolve conflict God's way. 

Because conflict is a two way street, there is no guarantee that the issue will be forever resolved, but following these steps will give YOU personal and lasting peace. Be faithful to God’s way of resolving conflict and stay away from the insanity of meaningless arguments.  You’ll be so happy you did!

Click HERE to watch Episode 163 of Rock Solid Radio, Insanity - Arguing about the Same Thing, Again!

Click HERE to listen to Episode 163 of Rock Solid Radio, Insanity - Arguing about the Same Thing, Again!