Middle School Life-The Battle is Real!

If there can be a more confusing time in life, I’m not sure what it is.  Middle School or Junior High school is a crazy time to be a human. And, if you are a parent, it is a crazy time to raise a child.  As much as we would like to minimize it, the battle is real!

One minute you see them acting like they own the house and the next minute they are regressing back to playing in the sandbox.  There appears to be an internal mental battle in which the adult version and kid version are at war with each other.  You never seem to know which one you’re going to be interacting with.  In fact, it appears they don’t even know which one you are going to be interacting with.  This is where the confusion begins.  

Uncharted Territory
Middle School life is a time of confusion.  The brain and body are walking through uncharted territory.  They don’t always understand how or why they are feeling the way they do.  Personally, we have witnessed in our own home what seems like an emotional meltdown.  Tears, sadness, frustration, but when asked what’s wrong, the emotional expression of, “I don’t know”!  Comes out of their mouth. 

That’s the point, they literally do not know.  They don’t know what their body is going through.  They don’t know why they are thinking the way they do. They don’t understand the body changes or lack of.  Everything is changing at once and they can’t seem to predict what is going to happen next.  This would drive anyone crazy!

How can we help our kids grow through this crazy phase and into adulthood? 

• Give them a heads up before they even enter the time of puberty.  It is of great value to give them insights into what kind of waters they will be sailing through.  It allows them to think, ask questions, and even prepare and recognize what the changes look like. This includes talks about sexual development, menstruation, sexual thoughts, etc...

• Build your relationship with them before the difficult times.  Even though your preteen may begin to think they know everything, they will need people in their life to talk with.  Hopefully, this is a parent, but if not, help them to get connected to a teacher, coach, youth minister, etc…  This person can make all the difference in helping your preteen feel connected and secure during this time of change.

• Don’t allow them completely off the hook of responsibilities.  You may have a preteen that wants to avoid family interactions, skip out on daily chores, or simply not feel like doing what needs to be done.  This is not the time to allow them to escape these times.  Rather, this is the time to let them know how important they are to the “team”.  This is where we can begin to teach them that their work is valuable and greatly appreciated.  

• Don’t exasperate your child.  You may see what your preteen needs to be doing, but they lack your vision for living.  Yelling and nagging does not make them see more quickly what you want them to see.  It is a development readiness problem. It is like yelling at a one-year-old child to walk.  They will walk when they are developmentally ready to do so.  The same holds true here.  Set up the vision you want them to see, but then give them the time to crawl and fall through it. 

• Emphasize values over outcomes.  Your preteen is now becoming very aware of others.  The comparison game is coming to its peak!  They now recognize when they are better than others at certain things, but they also recognize when they are not so good.  They want to know where they measure against their peers.  This is natural, but this is the time when you as the parent can pour into them about their gifts and how uniquely created they are.  This is the time to teach and emphasize the values to live by rather than the achievements to live for.  

• Keep in mind, this is a phase.  We often see the messiness of a situation and have a hard time seeing what the project may look like in the end.  Adolescence is similar. It is a messy time, but the “project” is still under construction.  Be patient and continue to cast the vision of possibilities.

At Rock Solid Families, we help teens and their parents every day navigate these uncharted and difficult waters. If we can help you and your family, give us a call at 812-576-ROCK

Click HERE to watch our latest episode of Rock Solid Radio, Episode 156, Middle School Life

Click HERE to listen to the latest episode of Rock Solid Radio, Episode 156, Middle School Life

Hitting the Wall

Have you ever “hit a wall” when you physically or emotionally couldn’t do it anymore? Maybe, you came to the end of yourself where you “hit rock bottom” and needed to make a change in your life? Both were the case for 21 year old Monica this past winter, when she hit more than the proverbial wall. In February 2021, it took a large retaining wall, a totaled car and a DUI to finally get Monica’s attention.

Numbing the Pain
Monica admits she had been living pretty angrily and recklessly up until the accident. As a teen, Monica was a girl with an attitude. She would regularly smoke marijuana and drink alcohol trying to numb the pain and loss she was feeling inside. Monica was an angry teenager that dumped a lot of hate and judgement on anyone who crossed her.  Looking back, Monica now realizes the marijuana, alcohol, anger, and tough exterior were all feeble attempts to cover up the feelings of abandonment and unforgiveness after her parents’ divorce. Instead of getting help, Monica self medicated and ignored the warning signs.

Healing Begins
That was until the accident got her attention. Getting a DUI and losing her license definitely humbled Monica and opened her eyes. She finally realized she needed help dealing with the emotions she had stuffed for so long. That’s when Monica made the call to Rock Solid Families and began the healing process. 

Let’s Be Honest
What about you? Are you turning to alcohol, drugs or hate to cover up pain or loss? Are you numbing or stuffing difficult feelings of anger, abandonment, betrayal instead of dealing with them in a healthy way? Let’s be honest. You’re not really getting high just because it feels good. You’re not drinking every day just because you’re bored. You’re not lashing out at everyone around you because it’s fun. What’s really going on inside? Stop kicking that proverbial can down the road. It’s only going to lead to destruction whether it be your marriage, your job, or maybe even your life.  There is HOPE and HELP available, but it’s not going to be found in the bottom of a bottle. It’s not going to be found in secrets and isolation. The enemy loves it when we keep things in the dark. He can hold us captive in our shame and pain. 

Get Rid Of The Garbage
Pick up that garbage and throw it in its proper place. Get help today and experience a peace and freedom like you’ve never experienced before. Get involved in a 12 step program like Celebrate Recovery or AA, if you need help in breaking free from addiction. Find someone to help hold you accountable for the changes you know you need to make. That’s what Monica did, and she’ll be the first one to tell you. It’s so worth it!

Click HERE to listen to Episode 155 Rock Solid Radio, Learning the Hard Way with Special Guest, Monica Quintanilla

Click HERE to watch Episode 155 Rock Solid Radio, Learning the Hard Way with Special Guest Monica Quintanilla

Hallie's Story-Shining Bright Again

Over the past 18 months, it is no secret that COVID has taken a toll emotionally on both the young and old. Experts were telling us over a year ago that we would soon be seeing a pandemic of a different kind in the area of mental health. Mental health has definitely been a struggle for so many people over the past year including an increasing amount of young children. We get calls weekly from parents of elementary, preteen, and teenage children struggling with unexplained sadness, moodiness, anxiety, and relational struggles.

WARNING SIGNS
As coaches, we’ve sadly seen their resilience diminish as children attempt to navigate the world around them. What used to be “no big deal” is now really hitting our kids hard causing melt downs, tantrums, or high levels of anxiety. This is true for one of our youngest clients, 10 year old Hallie who wanted to share her story to help other kids that may find themselves struggling like she did. First, listen to what Hallie’s mom was seeing this past spring and what led her to call Rock Solid Families. Maybe, as a parent, you are having the same concerns.

Near the end of fourth grade, I started noticing my daughter, Hallie, was coming home different after school.  She just seemed sad.  It was subtle, but as a mom you know when your child is ‘off’.  She would share a little about her day when she first came home but by bedtime she would be spilling her guts.  These night time conversations usually involved tears and feelings of being left out.  

 Hallie is a straight A student, plays soccer, dances, is involved in Girl Scouts and liked by just about everyone she meets.   It was shocking to find out she was struggling with feelings of loneliness at school. Seeing her so sad I knew I had to do something to help her get back to her best self. Hallie agreed to talk with Linda at Rock Solid Families, and she opened up to her immediately.  As we worked through a few sessions, Hallie took all of Linda’s advice to heart and put it into action at every opportunity.  

I could see she was getting back to herself over the summer but was curious to see what the new school year would bring. This past August as fifth grade began, Hallie had a new set of tools to use when she would begin feeling lonely or left out.  I recently had a conference with her teacher and was ecstatic to learn Hallie was back and doing better than ever!  Her teacher shared that Hallie is a bright spot in the class and makes everyone around her feel better about themselves.  She explained how others are drawn to Hallie but suspects Hallie doesn’t even realize the impact she has on others.  I ,too, see Hallie’s confidence growing day by day. Giving her the tools to navigate school and friends has helped Hallie shine bright once again.   Thank you, Rock Solid Families! Hallie’s Mom, Kylee

YOU’RE NOT ALONE
Here’s what Hallie wanted to share with anyone feeling sad or lonely like she was.

I struggled with friendship in the 4th grade year and throughout the summer.  I felt I either didn’t have anything to offer to a friend or that there was always someone better. It was like I was always second choice.  I would try to play what friends wanted at recess, but the next day they wouldn’t return the favor and play what I wanted.  

After meeting with Linda, I feel like I have learned a lot from her and Rock Solid Families. It has made me feel closer to God and Christ and helped me to realize I have many great qualities to offer.  Hallie, 10 years old

TAKE A DAILY TEMPERATURE READ
Talk regularly to your child about how they are doing. I call it a parent’s daily temperature read. Take a daily “temperature read” of their day asking them about school, their friends, and how they are feeling. Everyone has a bad day, but if day after day your child seems to be struggling with navigating life, don’t ignore the warning signs. Just like if your child had a high fever for 2 weeks straight, you would be alarmed, the same goes for their emotional “temperature” too. That’s why Hallie’s mom reached out to us. If day after day, your child is having melt downs, tantrums, or isolating themselves from others-something is up. Reach out for help. You are NOT alone. There is HELP and HOPE available. Rock Solid Families has a great resource page full of helpful podcasts, blogs, and outside resources to help you as a parent. Check it out by going to rocksolidfamilies.org/resources, or call us at 812-576-ROCK. That’s why we’re here!

Resources

Kids and Their Friends

When I was growing up, the friends I had were either kids I went to school with or neighbors who lived on my street. If you are over the age of 40, you know what I’m talking about. We didn’t have the world wide web that could connect us instantly with someone across town or in a different state. We didn’t have social media platforms that would allow us to “find friends'' instantly. Kids today are dealing with scenarios we never had to deal with when it comes to making and keeping friendships. Yes, it's a whole new world, but as a parent, there are some basic sound principles that are still important to keep in mind when it comes to your child and their friends.

FRIENDSHIP PRINCIPLES

1. Speak early and often about what a healthy friendship looks like. This can start even at the age of 2 when your child finds a new friend on the playground. Things like kindness, sharing, taking turns are all values you should begin to instill in your child the day they start interacting with others. 

2. Surround your kids with other families who share similar values. Put them in positive environments where there are other children and adults who will model what you want your child to be like. One of the favorite places for our children has been at church where families from all walks of life come to build a rock solid foundation for their home and family. I didn’t say perfect kids, but ones who are being guided with similar values as yours.

3. Ask lots of questions about who they like to be around and why. If your child is school age, make sure you initiate frequent casual conversations about things like the playground, the cafeteria, the classroom. Who do they play with and what do they like to do together? It’s a great chance to get a peek into your child’s world and see if they are making good choices in their friendships. Make your home a safe place to come with any conflicts or difficulties in their friendships. Not that you are going to go in and fix it for them, but help them brainstorm how to resolve the conflict themselves.

4. Encourage your kids to bring their friends around your home and family, so that you can observe how they interact together. Listen in on car ride conversations and how they talk to one another. Watch how they play on the trampoline together or what they do in the basement when you’re not around. Make sure you follow up privately with them any concerns or red flags you begin to have. 

5. Keep the lines of communication open and comfortable even into their teen years. When our kids are teenagers, it becomes more difficult to monitor every little friend interaction, but it’s still super important to keep the lines of communication open about their friendships. Continue on the same routine as above asking them about their friendships and what they enjoy about those friends. Invite their friends to hang out at your house. If you find your teen is always going over someone else’s house, get to know that family. Make sure you connect with those parents and have regular communication with them. Your child is less likely to sneak or lie, if they know you have the ability to follow up and confirm their plans. Not saying you always have to but always can if needed. 

Walk with the Wise
There is a very wise proverb that says, Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. Proverbs 13:20. If you learn that your teen is walking with the fools and suffering harm, don’t save them from the natural consequences of their actions. They will never learn if you are always saving them or defending them. 

If your teen starts hanging with the wrong crowd and breaks your trust, explain to them you are not judging or condemning their friend. No one is forcing your child to make these poor decisions. Make sure they understand the buck stops with them. They are responsible for their own actions and consequences. As a consequence of breaking your trust, limit his/her exposure to that friend or group until the trust has been restored. In the meantime, flood their schedule with positive people and healthy environments. Whether it be a mentor, sport, club, youth group, church function, serving opportunity or all of the above, help them to walk with the wise and become wise. Obviously every child and home is unique, but we believe that by applying these principles you can prepare your child for rich and healthy friendships, as they grow into a healthy, independent adult. If we can help you and your family work through some of the things we’ve mentioned in this blog or in this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio, please give us a call at 812-576-ROCK. We’re here to help!

Click HERE to watch Episode 153 of Rock Solid Radio, Kids and their Friends

Click HERE to listen to Episode 153 of Rock Solid Radio, Kids and their Friends

Will They Ever Leave?

Have you ever had family or friends outstay their welcome?  How about you, have you ever outstayed your welcome in someone’s home?  What does it mean to no longer feel like you are welcomed? When our adult kids come back to visit, for example, we are full of excitement to see them and catch up on the latest in their lives.  The energy, conversation, and time spent together is amazing.  But then, things begin to change.  After a time we can all feel the newness of the visit wearing down and there is almost a feeling of everyone treading on each other’s feet.  Simple things like how many cars are parked in the driveway that I have to be aware of so I don’t back into one of them.  Taking turns in the kitchen to make myself lunch. Having a conversation of give and take on what television show is going to be watched.  All of this and not to mention the significant increase in the amount of food, laundry, and cleanup to keep the house running.  Suddenly, there is a feeling of, “okay, I’m ready to get my life back”.  

But, what if I told you there was no end in sight of your guests leaving?  This is the case more and more, as we see adult children coming back under the roof of their parents.  Parents love helping their children, but sometimes the helping gesture begins to turn sour.  Parents begin to feel used and intruded upon, and in some cases, the adult children begin to feel like they are being mothered all over again.  Small cracks in the relationship begin to turn into wide canyons. Before you know it the family is breaking down, and no one is happy.  

This scene is real in many homes today, and the difficult news is that it seems to be a growing trend.  The good news is that there are many things we can do to make these visits a pleasant and helpful experience for everyone involved. Understanding how to communicate in advance of saying yes to your house guests is key, and boundaries are a must!  What’s mine is yours and yours is mine often does not float well when a bunch of adults are under one roof together.  Set some clear boundaries and draw out some specific expectations beforehand to avoid confusion and hurt in the relationship later.  And finally, determine an end date before you even get started.   Leaving the stay open-ended can be a sure-fire means to destruction in many homes and relationships. Having a vision for how long something is going to last helps to give everyone the mental strength to endure when things get challenging.  Put a date on the calendar even if you are unsure of what is next for your house guests. That way you have the opportunity to revisit the situation and honestly evaluate whether or not this is still working for the host.

The value of family is incredibly important, and we want to protect it and keep it that way. We don’t want families to have a sour taste in their mouth for one another because of blurred boundary lines or unspoken resentment. We want to raise our kids to be self-sufficient and responsible adults.  When we have done this well, we can avoid challenging overstays that seem to become endless intrusions on our lives. Minimize the family drama and maximize the family experience by leading well during these times.     

Click HERE to listen to Episode 152 of Rock Solid Radio, Will They Ever Leave?

Click HERE to watch Episode 152 of Rock Solid Radio, Will They Ever Leave?

Start Young

On this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio, Episode 151- “Do you want a child centered home?”, we shared with our listeners and viewers why a child centered home is a recipe for disaster. We layed out the biblical model for a strong and healthy home-God, Marriage, Children.

This approach to parenting and family starts young, usually at the fun stage we like to call the “terrible twos”. You know that season of parenting when our little ones begin their quest for autonomy and independence. It’s a pivotal season for parents as they decide and model the authority in the home. It can definitely be an exhausting battle as the toddler exercises his/her new found voice and strong will, but it’s one that parents MUST be intentional about if the kids have any chance of success later in life.

If you are a single parent and are tempted to give in or give up the fight because it’s too hard, please keep reading. It can be done, and it is so worth the energy now to prevent bigger headaches later. 

I’ve worked with children for over 30 years and I get it. There is no foolproof method and no easy ride. Our children will find every way possible to push our buttons and wear us down. We’re not going to get it all right and our kids are not going to either. This is a parenting journey not a destination, and please don’t expect this season to go perfectly. You’re going to blow it. I know I did...many times, but I got back on the horse and stayed the course. Here are a few priceless lessons your children and grandchildren will quickly learn if we fight for a God Centered home instead of a Child Centered one:

1. “You’re not the Boss”- Kids quickly get the message that mommy, daddy, and anyone else responsible for their care are the boss. The respect for authority starts from the moment they can walk and talk. Learning this important lesson early and reinforcing it at every stage of development equips your child for the real world and sets them up for success later on. We will always have people in authority over us in life-teachers, bosses, police, etc. It’s better if we get used to it early.

2. “No Manners, No Way”-Even at the young age of two, our granddaughter already knew that manners were a must. It was “Yes, please” and “No thank you” if she had any chance of getting what she wanted. Even getting up from the table after a meal required a polite ask to be excused

3. “Waiting not Whining”-Whether it’s entertaining themselves before dinner or waiting in the check-out line, patience is a learned behavior. Throwing fits should never get a child what they want. 

4. “We’re A Team”-Serving should start young. Everyone in your home should have a job. It may be picking up toys, throwing a diaper in the trash, or putting dishes in the sink, but even a two year old can help.

5. “You are Loved”-There’s not a day that should go by that your child doesn’t hear you say, “I love you”. But words are not enough. Children can pick up on your mood and emotions. Be careful disciplining in anger. Make sure you always circle back around and reassure your child that they are loved. It makes a child feel safe and secure.That way they don’t equate discipline with rejection. 

6. “Follow Me”-None of the lessons above mean anything unless they are practiced as well as taught. The old saying of “walking the walk not just talking the talk” is so true. The apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 11: 1 says, “Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ.” Whether you like it or not, your child is watching your every move and will learn best by what is modeled around them.  When in doubt, look to the example of Christ. He is the ultimate role model. If you don’t respect and obey his authority, most likely they won’t either. If you don’t serve others with a generous heart, how will they ever learn to? As a parent if you don’t regularly remind them how much they are loved, they will go searching for someone who will and chances are it won’t be in a positive way.

I know none of this is rocket science, so why aren't more parents doing it? Respect for authority, manners, serving others are just a few character qualities that are becoming extinct in society today. So many parents have disengaged. Giving in seems so much easier to an exhausted dad or overwhelmed mom.  Tablets and smartphones with instant gratification have replaced parenting and patience. 

Let’s turn the tide in this next generation. I'm so thankful for the many young parents who are setting some healthy boundaries and basic life rules in their family. Let’s get back to those virtues and qualities that not only make our home one of peace and love but our world a much better place to live.

Click HERE to watch to Episode 151 of Rock Solid Radio, Do You Want a Child Centered Home?

Click HERE to listen to Episode 151 of Rock Solid Radio, Do You Want a Child Centered Home?

Bedtime Routines

Bedtime can be a challenging time in many homes.  Unfortunately, It often comes down to the battle of the wills.  Who is going to stand their ground and take home “the win”?  At Rock Solid Families, we are often amazed at how a three year old can dominate a home and set the tone for how the family operates.  

This battle of the wills doesn’t just happen at bedtime; it could be mealtime, homework time, chore time, etc. All of these situations give us opportunities as parents to establish in a healthy and appropriate way who the leader in the house really is.  As adults, who were once kids themselves, we understand that not every child wants to do what they are told, but that’s not the point.  The real question to ask ourselves is this; who is the leader in our home and how are we going leading our family?

At Rock Solid Families, we strongly believe that we, as parents, should be the leaders in their home.  We have the primary responsibility to know what values we want for our children and to do the work to maintain them in our home. It’s important for our kids to see us not wavering from those values or second-guessing them when we get pushback from our kids.  Especially when our children are young, it is important that our parenting be consistent. After all, as we have said in many of our Rock Solid Radio podcasts, consistency leads to security for our kids. The best way to be consistent with our parenting is to establish early on some routines.

Routines are predictable paths of activity that allow our children to know what is happening in the moment and what will be happening in the near future.  It allows a level of predictability and security for our children.   In the case of bedtime for example,  if we, as parents, establish and enforce a regular bedtime routine, our children will quickly be able to recognize what is happening and soon fall into the daily practice.  However, if bedtime is never consistent and is simply based on the level of perceived tiredness , our child will quickly lead the entire house into a state of chaos and confusion.  One night they may seem tired and ready for bed at 7:00 pm; the next night it is closer to 10:00 pm.  This inconsistency leads to confusion; confusion leads to tension, and tension leads to tantrums! Ever have any of those at bedtime?

Establishing routines takes work and is not without its challenges.  When the routine is introduced it may not be accepted by everyone in the house, but that doesn’t mean the routine should not be implemented. It means we’ve allowed some really bad habits to occur.  Calm consistency and persistency are our keys to success!   As a parent, we know what is best for our child.  Let’s lead our children through these routines with calm and consistent confidence. By doing so, we will begin to model and teach them the values we stand for in our home.

For more information on how to establish healthy bedtime routines, click HERE to watch-Rock Solid Radio-Episode 150-My Kid Won’t Go to Bed

For more information on how to establish healthy bedtime routines, click HERE to listen-Rock Solid Radio-Episode 150-My Kid Won’t Go to Bed

Skyler's Story-Finding Light in the Darkness

Hi everyone! My name is Skyler, a 23 year old nursing student from Northern Kentucky.  I could not be more excited to finish my RN in December with only one more semester left!  I have been attending Rock Solid Families for about 8 months now, and it has changed my life. When life got rough, I was blessed enough to have this faith based organization to turn to. 

Was It My Fault?
Earlier this year, I lost a very special person in my life to suicide, and just a couple months later, I lost my grandma due to some fast progressing health issues. It was as if I couldn't catch a break, or get my head out of the dark place I was in. I remember thinking, "why didn't I do more for my friend?  “His suicide was all my fault”’ Losing those two special people in my life in such a short time really took a toll on my mind and heart.

 Pray To God... Now?

I remember my mom telling me, "pray to God. He will help you through this. He hears how upset you are and wants to help you." I remember thinking there was no way I could pray in a time like this. It was a constant battle between giving it all to God or suffering in my own mind and dealing with this heartbreak. It was in those darkest moments when I found God with his arms open wide.

 Best Day of My Life
I started praying every chance I could get. I spent time with God and His Word.  I surrendered all my pain and suffering at his feet. I couldn't have picked a better decision during a time when I felt completely numb. God showed me through his word and his people that he’s been with me all along, even when I wasn’t reaching out to him. It's because of his grace and mercy, I am where I am today. I was baptized into Christ on January 31st, 2021 at Seven Hills Church in Florence, Ky.  I was surrounded by so much love that day. It was one of the best days of my life!  I continue to grow closer and closer to Christ attending church every Sunday with family and friends giving back to him what he so generously has given to me.

 Building On A Rock Solid Foundation
Before coming to Rock Solid Families, I had never experienced anything like one on one coaching. Linda listened and gave me the tools to grow closer to God. It’s exactly what I needed, and I don’t know where I would be today without this rock solid foundation. I have learned so much about myself, and how God really works in my life. Linda helped me find a bible I could read and understand, and that has been a huge blessing. I am so thankful God led me to Rock Solid Families. If you're looking for a place where you’re not judged but accepted with the love of Christ, then this is where you need to be. 

 Light In The Darkness
I am still working on the grieving process in my sessions with Linda. Some days are harder than others.  I am not sure my heart will ever be 100% healed, but I do know without a doubt that God loves me and is alive and active in my life. I want to be a light to people in dark times, and I want to help others with their struggles like God’s people did for me. I want to be living proof that God can help in the darkest times and protect you in whatever storm you may face.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. 

Isaiah 43:2

When Trust is Lost, You CAN Rebuild It

This week we focused on a tough but all too common topic: marriages without trust. Back in November I wrote a post about this very topic and felt called to share it again because the message is so critical…

You’ve heard of the famous trust fall - pairing up classmates or teammates, having them face each other while crossing arms and locking hands with their partner standing across from them. As a teacher and coach, I loved challenging my students’ fears and insecurities with the trust fall. It was so cool watching student after student face their fears and take that leap of faith falling safely into the arms of their peers. But what happens when your teammate drops you? How do you rebuild trust and ever take that risk again? 

What if We Get Dropped?
Rebuilding trust is a HUGE issue in our world today.  If we’re being honest, probably all of us have been hurt by someone before who broke our trust. Then how do we rebuild trust after someone has betrayed us or let us fall? Whether it be a spouse, child, parent, friend, coworker or boss, can we ever truly forgive someone who has literally or figuratively “dropped” us? And does forgiveness always mean we should trust them again? 

Every day, people walk into our doors at Rock Solid Families feeling angry and wounded because someone broke their trust. Some have been so hurt by the offense and have no idea where to begin. They want to experience peace and joy again, but instead feel chained by bitterness and unforgiveness. 

Forgiveness vs. Trust
Ideally, a relationship is restored when both partners forgive each other and themselves and trust again, but that’s easier said than done. At Rock Solid Families, one thing that has helped individuals and relationships heal is separating the decision to forgive from the concept of trust. 

You’ve probably heard the old adage about what happens to US, the offended, when we chose NOT to forgive our offender. “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison ourselves and waiting for the other person to die.” Bitterness and anger begin to grow when we harbor those negative feelings of unforgiveness. It eats US up from the inside out. 

Forgiveness is a decision we can make regardless of whether the person who hurt us is sorry for what they did or does anything to make amends. Forgiveness takes the control away from our offender and puts the power solely in our own hands. It is a decision that can set US free and bring US peace regardless, if the relationship is restored or not. 

Trust is a Two Way Street
Trust, on the other hand, is a two way street. Trust says I not only forgive you for dropping me, but I’m willing to try it again. Some would say that’s insane, but for others, the relationship is worth the risk. Maybe it's trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. Maybe, it’s with an adult child after they’ve been caught in addiction.  In order for the relationship to be restored in a healthy way, rebuilding trust is an essential next step. It isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight, but restoring trust is possible and can even make the relationship better and stronger if done right. 

Steps for the Offender to Rebuild Trust
Step One-Take Responsibility for the hurt you caused and admit your wrongs- This first step is so hard for the offender, because pride gets in the way. No one likes to admit they were wrong; let alone take responsibility for hurting someone else. 

Step Two-Be Patient with the Offended-If you have hurt someone, rebuilding trust is going to take time and as the offender, you don’t get to decide how long. The greater the offense, the longer it takes to rebuild trust.  

Step Three – Mean What you Say; Say what you mean. Make sure people can count on your word even with the little things. Don’t be surprised if it takes time for those around you to trust your word again. You’re the one who broke trust.

Step Four – Be Honest and Transparent. If you want to rebuild trust, you have to show the person you offended that you have nothing to hide. That may mean sharing passwords and your whereabouts and not getting defensive or angry when someone asks.

Step Five– Confess Promptly. No one’s perfect, so when you do mess up make sure you own it BEFORE you’re caught in it. As the Scottish novelist, George MacDonald once said, “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved”

Steps for the Offended in Trusting Again
Step One-Remember, no one is perfect including you, but also never forget God doesn’t make junk. Your worth and value come from a God who loves you and created you in His image not from anyone or anything. Search your heart and make sure you are not trying to hold your offender hostage through your unforgiveness. Remember, unforgiveness only hurts YOU. 

Step Two-Surround yourself with healthy, safe people. Seek wise counsel to help you work through the forgiveness process. Find someone neutral like a counselor or pastor who will help you sort out truth from lies.Get professional help if you have relationship wounds that are not healing right. 

Step Three-Step back and let the emotions settle before you make any decisions. Let your words be few. You don’t want to say or do something you will later regret. Don’t stoop to the level of your offender and seek revenge. Keep your character and integrity high. 

Step Four-Protect yourself from any kind of physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse. Forgiveness does not mean you become a martyr or victim. Trust may not be possible in the relationship if the offender does not own their mistakes and take the steps to rebuild trust.

Step Five-Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes two people and takes time. Be patient with yourself and learn to trust again.  Search your heart for any hurt or wrong you have caused in the relationship and own your part whenever possible. Extend grace to the offender if there is real effort being made to restore trust. As long as you’re breathing, there will always be a chance of getting hurt, so learn these skills of forgiveness and rebuilding trust now. It’s worth the effort. 

Emotional Healing is Possible
Don’t stay trapped or paralyzed by old memories or past hurts. Emotional healing is possible! We all need healthy people in our lives. We were not made to do life alone. Healthy relationships are worth fighting for.  When you can think back on the offense and not feel wounded anymore, you’re well on your way to true healing and lasting peace. 

Click HERE to Watch Episode 148 of Rock Solid Radio-Trust in the Marriage

Click HERE to Listen Episode 148 of Rock Solid Radio-Trust in the Marriage

Tagged: trust, relationships, offended, offender