If there can be a more confusing time in life, I’m not sure what it is. Middle School or Junior High school is a crazy time to be a human. And, if you are a parent, it is a crazy time to raise a child. As much as we would like to minimize it, the battle is real!
One minute you see them acting like they own the house and the next minute they are regressing back to playing in the sandbox. There appears to be an internal mental battle in which the adult version and kid version are at war with each other. You never seem to know which one you’re going to be interacting with. In fact, it appears they don’t even know which one you are going to be interacting with. This is where the confusion begins.
Uncharted Territory
Middle School life is a time of confusion. The brain and body are walking through uncharted territory. They don’t always understand how or why they are feeling the way they do. Personally, we have witnessed in our own home what seems like an emotional meltdown. Tears, sadness, frustration, but when asked what’s wrong, the emotional expression of, “I don’t know”! Comes out of their mouth.
That’s the point, they literally do not know. They don’t know what their body is going through. They don’t know why they are thinking the way they do. They don’t understand the body changes or lack of. Everything is changing at once and they can’t seem to predict what is going to happen next. This would drive anyone crazy!
How can we help our kids grow through this crazy phase and into adulthood?
Give them a heads up before they even enter the time of puberty. It is of great value to give them insights into what kind of waters they will be sailing through. It allows them to think, ask questions, and even prepare and recognize what the changes look like. This includes talks about sexual development, menstruation, sexual thoughts, etc...
Build your relationship with them before the difficult times. Even though your preteen may begin to think they know everything, they will need people in their life to talk with. Hopefully, this is a parent, but if not, help them to get connected to a teacher, coach, youth minister, etc… This person can make all the difference in helping your preteen feel connected and secure during this time of change.
Don’t allow them completely off the hook of responsibilities. You may have a preteen that wants to avoid family interactions, skip out on daily chores, or simply not feel like doing what needs to be done. This is not the time to allow them to escape these times. Rather, this is the time to let them know how important they are to the “team”. This is where we can begin to teach them that their work is valuable and greatly appreciated.
Don’t exasperate your child. You may see what your preteen needs to be doing, but they lack your vision for living. Yelling and nagging does not make them see more quickly what you want them to see. It is a development readiness problem. It is like yelling at a one-year-old child to walk. They will walk when they are developmentally ready to do so. The same holds true here. Set up the vision you want them to see, but then give them the time to crawl and fall through it.
Emphasize values over outcomes. Your preteen is now becoming very aware of others. The comparison game is coming to its peak! They now recognize when they are better than others at certain things, but they also recognize when they are not so good. They want to know where they measure against their peers. This is natural, but this is the time when you as the parent can pour into them about their gifts and how uniquely created they are. This is the time to teach and emphasize the values to live by rather than the achievements to live for.
Keep in mind, this is a phase. We often see the messiness of a situation and have a hard time seeing what the project may look like in the end. Adolescence is similar. It is a messy time, but the “project” is still under construction. Be patient and continue to cast the vision of possibilities.
At Rock Solid Families, we help teens and their parents every day navigate these uncharted and difficult waters. If we can help you and your family, give us a call at 812-576-ROCK
Click HERE to watch our latest episode of Rock Solid Radio, Episode 156, Middle School Life
Click HERE to listen to the latest episode of Rock Solid Radio, Episode 156, Middle School Life