5 Steps to Finding Your Identity and Purpose

She could hardly look up at me, as I we sat in my office on that hot summer day. She was so weighed down by the guilt and shame from her past, she had no idea how to even answer my questions. “Who is Dawn*, and why is she here?” All she could do was cry…and cry…and cry. It was an ugly cry. It was a couple sessions of ugly cries, but after she had a chance to let the pain go, it was time to begin the healing process. It was time to discover the answers to those two all important questions that would change her life forever-”Who are you?” and “Why are you here?”

Identity and Purpose
I don’t know what the weather is like where you are right now or where you are in life, but I want to talk to you for a moment about two things that are important in any season of our lives- Identity and Purpose. My husband and I have worked with thousands of individuals, couples, and families over the past 30 years who have struggled with one or both of these things. Honestly, identity and purpose are so closely connected, it’s hard to even separate the two. It’s hard to have one without the other.

What About You?
I didn’t just ask Dawn those two questions on that hot July day. I’m asking you, too. “Who are you and why are you here?” It doesn’t matter your age either. You can be an 18 year old young woman and have a very clear vision of your identity and purpose, or you can be a 50 year old man and have no idea. If we were sitting in my office together right now, and I asked you those questions, what would you say?

Not Enough
I can still see the look on one teenage girl’s face not too long ago when I asked her those same two questions. Her answers made my heart sink. “Who am I you ask? Well, I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough”, she said. That’s all she could give me. No wonder she struggled with anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. In her mind, she couldn’t even think of a reason for her to still be here.

Don’t Leave Your Heart Unprotected
You see when we don’t know who we are and why we are here, we set ourselves up for disaster. We allow our minds and hearts to be unprotected and we get wounded and offended easily. We allow the world or someone around us to define us and determine our worth and purpose. Not understanding our identity and purpose is causing one of the greatest epidemics today especially in our children and young adults. It is what is causing this huge crisis in the areas of: gender identity, self harm, hate, division, divorce, suicide, depression, anxiety-you name it.

Starts With You
So what can we do to combat this crisis? How can we help ourselves and those we love from falling into this deadly trap? I’m glad you asked. It starts with YOU. You can’t give someone else something you don’t have yourself. So here are five easy steps to finding YOUR identity and purpose.

Five Steps to Finding Your Identity and Purpose

1. Stay Away From the Lies. Make sure you don’t fall for the lies of identity. These are some common lies we all are tempted to believe when it comes to who we are. They are all sinking sand…

   • I am what I have

   • I am what I do

   • I am what other people say or think of me

   • I am nothing more than my worst mistake

   • I am nothing less than my best accomplishment

2. Commit to an Abundant Mindset-Commit to healthy, positive self talk for yourself and those you care about. Don't be a victim of your circumstances and focus on what you don’t have. Live in an abundant mindset and focus on what you do have. Fix your eyes on being content and grateful for what God has given you and what he has already done in your life. God can take the ugliest of circumstances and create some of the most beautiful victories. 

3. Build on a Strong Faith Foundation-Build an identity and purpose on something that doesn't change like the lies mentioned above. This is where a faith foundation can be critical to a healthy, positive identity and purpose for your life. God created you on purpose for a purpose! Build on His truths.

4. Surround Yourself With Healthy People-Surround yourself with people who will help you. Maybe it’s a mentor, pastor, coach, counselor, healthy friend, someone who will walk alongside you in this journey of self discovery and awareness. Let go of relationships who hold you back from your true identity and purpose. 

5. No More Excuses-Decide today to make this the year you find your identity and purpose in life. Stop floundering and letting everyone else decide who you are and why you are here on this earth. Once you discover who God has created you to be and the amazing plans he has for your life, it won’t matter the circumstances around you. You will have built your life on something that is unshakable even in the middle of the most intense storm. Once you start to understand who you are and why you are here, you will experience a contagious peace and joy that can never be taken away. That, my friends, is the kind of pandemic we need in our world today! 

   *Name changed to protect confidentiality

Will They Ever Leave?

Have you ever had family or friends outstay their welcome?  How about you, have you ever outstayed your welcome in someone’s home?  What does it mean to no longer feel like you are welcomed? When our adult kids come back to visit, for example, we are full of excitement to see them and catch up on the latest in their lives.  The energy, conversation, and time spent together is amazing.  But then, things begin to change.  After a time we can all feel the newness of the visit wearing down and there is almost a feeling of everyone treading on each other’s feet.  Simple things like how many cars are parked in the driveway that I have to be aware of so I don’t back into one of them.  Taking turns in the kitchen to make myself lunch. Having a conversation of give and take on what television show is going to be watched.  All of this and not to mention the significant increase in the amount of food, laundry, and cleanup to keep the house running.  Suddenly, there is a feeling of, “okay, I’m ready to get my life back”.  

But, what if I told you there was no end in sight of your guests leaving?  This is the case more and more, as we see adult children coming back under the roof of their parents.  Parents love helping their children, but sometimes the helping gesture begins to turn sour.  Parents begin to feel used and intruded upon, and in some cases, the adult children begin to feel like they are being mothered all over again.  Small cracks in the relationship begin to turn into wide canyons. Before you know it the family is breaking down, and no one is happy.  

This scene is real in many homes today, and the difficult news is that it seems to be a growing trend.  The good news is that there are many things we can do to make these visits a pleasant and helpful experience for everyone involved. Understanding how to communicate in advance of saying yes to your house guests is key, and boundaries are a must!  What’s mine is yours and yours is mine often does not float well when a bunch of adults are under one roof together.  Set some clear boundaries and draw out some specific expectations beforehand to avoid confusion and hurt in the relationship later.  And finally, determine an end date before you even get started.   Leaving the stay open-ended can be a sure-fire means to destruction in many homes and relationships. Having a vision for how long something is going to last helps to give everyone the mental strength to endure when things get challenging.  Put a date on the calendar even if you are unsure of what is next for your house guests. That way you have the opportunity to revisit the situation and honestly evaluate whether or not this is still working for the host.

The value of family is incredibly important, and we want to protect it and keep it that way. We don’t want families to have a sour taste in their mouth for one another because of blurred boundary lines or unspoken resentment. We want to raise our kids to be self-sufficient and responsible adults.  When we have done this well, we can avoid challenging overstays that seem to become endless intrusions on our lives. Minimize the family drama and maximize the family experience by leading well during these times.     

Click HERE to listen to Episode 152 of Rock Solid Radio, Will They Ever Leave?

Click HERE to watch Episode 152 of Rock Solid Radio, Will They Ever Leave?

Start Young

On this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio, Episode 151- “Do you want a child centered home?”, we shared with our listeners and viewers why a child centered home is a recipe for disaster. We layed out the biblical model for a strong and healthy home-God, Marriage, Children.

This approach to parenting and family starts young, usually at the fun stage we like to call the “terrible twos”. You know that season of parenting when our little ones begin their quest for autonomy and independence. It’s a pivotal season for parents as they decide and model the authority in the home. It can definitely be an exhausting battle as the toddler exercises his/her new found voice and strong will, but it’s one that parents MUST be intentional about if the kids have any chance of success later in life.

If you are a single parent and are tempted to give in or give up the fight because it’s too hard, please keep reading. It can be done, and it is so worth the energy now to prevent bigger headaches later. 

I’ve worked with children for over 30 years and I get it. There is no foolproof method and no easy ride. Our children will find every way possible to push our buttons and wear us down. We’re not going to get it all right and our kids are not going to either. This is a parenting journey not a destination, and please don’t expect this season to go perfectly. You’re going to blow it. I know I did...many times, but I got back on the horse and stayed the course. Here are a few priceless lessons your children and grandchildren will quickly learn if we fight for a God Centered home instead of a Child Centered one:

1. “You’re not the Boss”- Kids quickly get the message that mommy, daddy, and anyone else responsible for their care are the boss. The respect for authority starts from the moment they can walk and talk. Learning this important lesson early and reinforcing it at every stage of development equips your child for the real world and sets them up for success later on. We will always have people in authority over us in life-teachers, bosses, police, etc. It’s better if we get used to it early.

2. “No Manners, No Way”-Even at the young age of two, our granddaughter already knew that manners were a must. It was “Yes, please” and “No thank you” if she had any chance of getting what she wanted. Even getting up from the table after a meal required a polite ask to be excused

3. “Waiting not Whining”-Whether it’s entertaining themselves before dinner or waiting in the check-out line, patience is a learned behavior. Throwing fits should never get a child what they want. 

4. “We’re A Team”-Serving should start young. Everyone in your home should have a job. It may be picking up toys, throwing a diaper in the trash, or putting dishes in the sink, but even a two year old can help.

5. “You are Loved”-There’s not a day that should go by that your child doesn’t hear you say, “I love you”. But words are not enough. Children can pick up on your mood and emotions. Be careful disciplining in anger. Make sure you always circle back around and reassure your child that they are loved. It makes a child feel safe and secure.That way they don’t equate discipline with rejection. 

6. “Follow Me”-None of the lessons above mean anything unless they are practiced as well as taught. The old saying of “walking the walk not just talking the talk” is so true. The apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 11: 1 says, “Follow my example as I follow the example of Christ.” Whether you like it or not, your child is watching your every move and will learn best by what is modeled around them.  When in doubt, look to the example of Christ. He is the ultimate role model. If you don’t respect and obey his authority, most likely they won’t either. If you don’t serve others with a generous heart, how will they ever learn to? As a parent if you don’t regularly remind them how much they are loved, they will go searching for someone who will and chances are it won’t be in a positive way.

I know none of this is rocket science, so why aren't more parents doing it? Respect for authority, manners, serving others are just a few character qualities that are becoming extinct in society today. So many parents have disengaged. Giving in seems so much easier to an exhausted dad or overwhelmed mom.  Tablets and smartphones with instant gratification have replaced parenting and patience. 

Let’s turn the tide in this next generation. I'm so thankful for the many young parents who are setting some healthy boundaries and basic life rules in their family. Let’s get back to those virtues and qualities that not only make our home one of peace and love but our world a much better place to live.

Click HERE to watch to Episode 151 of Rock Solid Radio, Do You Want a Child Centered Home?

Click HERE to listen to Episode 151 of Rock Solid Radio, Do You Want a Child Centered Home?

Skyler's Story-Finding Light in the Darkness

Hi everyone! My name is Skyler, a 23 year old nursing student from Northern Kentucky.  I could not be more excited to finish my RN in December with only one more semester left!  I have been attending Rock Solid Families for about 8 months now, and it has changed my life. When life got rough, I was blessed enough to have this faith based organization to turn to. 

Was It My Fault?
Earlier this year, I lost a very special person in my life to suicide, and just a couple months later, I lost my grandma due to some fast progressing health issues. It was as if I couldn't catch a break, or get my head out of the dark place I was in. I remember thinking, "why didn't I do more for my friend?  “His suicide was all my fault”’ Losing those two special people in my life in such a short time really took a toll on my mind and heart.

 Pray To God... Now?

I remember my mom telling me, "pray to God. He will help you through this. He hears how upset you are and wants to help you." I remember thinking there was no way I could pray in a time like this. It was a constant battle between giving it all to God or suffering in my own mind and dealing with this heartbreak. It was in those darkest moments when I found God with his arms open wide.

 Best Day of My Life
I started praying every chance I could get. I spent time with God and His Word.  I surrendered all my pain and suffering at his feet. I couldn't have picked a better decision during a time when I felt completely numb. God showed me through his word and his people that he’s been with me all along, even when I wasn’t reaching out to him. It's because of his grace and mercy, I am where I am today. I was baptized into Christ on January 31st, 2021 at Seven Hills Church in Florence, Ky.  I was surrounded by so much love that day. It was one of the best days of my life!  I continue to grow closer and closer to Christ attending church every Sunday with family and friends giving back to him what he so generously has given to me.

 Building On A Rock Solid Foundation
Before coming to Rock Solid Families, I had never experienced anything like one on one coaching. Linda listened and gave me the tools to grow closer to God. It’s exactly what I needed, and I don’t know where I would be today without this rock solid foundation. I have learned so much about myself, and how God really works in my life. Linda helped me find a bible I could read and understand, and that has been a huge blessing. I am so thankful God led me to Rock Solid Families. If you're looking for a place where you’re not judged but accepted with the love of Christ, then this is where you need to be. 

 Light In The Darkness
I am still working on the grieving process in my sessions with Linda. Some days are harder than others.  I am not sure my heart will ever be 100% healed, but I do know without a doubt that God loves me and is alive and active in my life. I want to be a light to people in dark times, and I want to help others with their struggles like God’s people did for me. I want to be living proof that God can help in the darkest times and protect you in whatever storm you may face.

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. 

Isaiah 43:2

Taming the Tantrum

It doesn’t seem to matter if they are 3, 13, or 23; kids know how to push their parents’ buttons. Don’t they? In my 30 plus years of being a parent, I have never felt like I was going to lose my mind or my hair more than in a parenting situation with one or more of my five children. I remember more than once backing out of my driveway with children in the backseat and slamming on the brakes so firmly trying to grab their attention and jerk a knot in their chain. Yes, that’s right! We hadn’t even gotten out of the driveway yet. I thought for sure I would need brake pads a lot sooner than normal because of it.

Tantrums-Natural Part of Development
This week on Rock Solid Radio, we add some more tools to our Rock Solid Tool Box as we unpack TANTRUMS in our kids. As we described on this week’s Rock Solid Radio podcast, tantrums are a natural part of a child’s development as they test and then develop their emotional regulation. They are learning how to express and manage their feelings, and that’s where we as parents come in. As parents, our job is to help our children navigate their feelings in a healthy, age-appropriate way, so they learn to self regulate and manage their emotions as they grow older.

If Not Handled Now, Then When?
A huge problem in our homes today is that more and more parents are not handling the tantrum when the child is young. For whatever reason, the child has grown up with the notion that a tantrum gets them what they want. So why not throw a fit if eventually you can wear down mom or dad and get your way? Some parents have given in to the tantrum because they feel overwhelmed themselves with the stresses of life and can not handle one more battle. For other parents, emotional self regulation wasn’t something they saw growing up, and they themselves struggle with keeping their emotions under control. So that’s what their kids have seen modeled in the home and imitate themselves.

Stuck In The “Terrible Twos”
As a result, we are seeing a generation of teen and young adult children who are not emotionally prepared for the real world. They are stuck in the “terrible twos” where they want their way and will throw a fit until they get it whether it be at home, in school, on the field, in a mall, or for some, even at a job! As we discussed in this week’s show, what may be a normal and natural reaction for a 3 yr old is not so normal and healthy for a 16 yr old.

When It Gets Out Of Control
Every week at Rock Solid Families, we have parents coming in with difficult stories of their teen and adult children throwing tantrums. Parents are dealing with older children and even adults throwing child-like “tantrums” that include yelling, cussing, slapping, punching, throwing things, and even more serious threats to self or others. If you are a parent and this is your current situation, please don’t keep kicking the can down the road. Now is the time to get some help.

Learn Tools For The Tantrum Now
Ignoring the problem or brushing it under the rug isn’t going to make it go away. As a matter of fact, giving in to a tantrum sends the message that your son or daughter’s immature response is ok, and it will get them what they want. If you are a parent of a toddler or smaller child, take the time to listen to this week’s episode of Rock Solid Radio. Learn the tools today to help your child grow and develop in an emotionally healthy way. Our society desperately needs more strong and healthy parents willing to deal with the tantrum TODAY, so that we don’t create more problems for our world tomorrow. Check out Rock Solid Radio Episode 146 Temper Tantrums to learn some practical tools to do just that.

Click HERE to watch the Rock Solid Radio episode 146 Tool Box Series-Temper Tantrums

Click HERE to listen to the Rock Solid Radio episode 146 Tool Box Series-Temper Tantrums

What's the Hurry? The Importance of Delaying the Smartphone with our Children

If you’re over the age of 30, then you’re most likely in the same boat we are, adults who did not grow up with a smartphone in their pocket. As a matter of fact, as parents of five children ranging from ages 30 to 13, we didn’t even have this issue when our two oldest sons were growing up. Smart phones were just coming out and the peer pressure to have one was minimal. No one expected parents to put a $1000 mini computer into the hands of an immature, squirrely middle schooler. That would be a ridiculous notion. 

The Pressure to Give In
Our world today, however, looks at smartphones very differently. When we adopted our three youngest in 2015, we were shocked at the expectations they had when it came to smartphones. For many kids, phones equal love and popularity.  Now, parents feel this overwhelming pressure to hand their elementary age child a smartphone or smartwatch with an unlimited data plan, so that they can fit in and be accepted by their peers. Parents rationalize the need saying it’s to “get a hold of the child”, when in reality they are most likely around an adult or older teen who has one. If they were being completely honest, most parents generally give in to a smartphone at an early age for one or two reasons: 1. They don’t want their child to be ostracized or left out among their peers. 2. They don’t want to look like the neglectful parent who doesn’t love their child or can’t afford one.

Critical Stages of Development
At Rock Solid Families, we recommend parents push past that pressure of instant gratification and delay putting a smartphone into the hands of a child at least until the age of 14 or the 8th grade. There is so much data and so many experts who agree with us. Research tells us minimizing the use of screens and delaying the onset of smart devices helps our children mature and develop physically, emotionally, and logically. A child’s prefrontal cortex is in the critical stages of development in elementary and early teen years, and screens do nothing but stunt and rewire that healthy growth. Are you dealing with immature outbursts, an increased level of anxiety or depression, or disrespectful backtalk? Chances are screens are playing a part in what you’re seeing.

Wait Until 8th
So mom and dad, join the thousands of other parents who have decided that they will delay the smartphone until their child is emotionally ready to handle what’s coming across it. Tell your children NOW you are setting a healthy boundary as their parents.  If you’re interested in learning more, there is even a non-profit organization called waituntil8th.org that gives more resources and research to support this healthy boundary for our children.

If You Loved Me
When our three youngest were adopted and moved into our home, they were ages 11, 10 and 7. It was the hardest for the older two, because they already had many peers with smart phones in their pockets. They begged and pleaded for us to give them one. Our 10 yr old daughter even went around telling her classmates that her “new mommy” was going to buy her the latest iPhone 7. My heart broke at her distorted view of what real love looked like.  

Set the Boundaries Now
It took a while for our youngest three to realize that it is because we DO love them that we’re going to wait to give them a smartphone. It’s not really a discussion in our home anymore. The boundary has been set. The expectations have been laid out. As our youngest son enters the 8th grade this year, he knows that the possibility of having a phone begins, but it’s not a guarantee. It’s a privilege and freedom that we take very seriously. The decision to give him a smartphone will come NOT when the world tells us to, but when we feel as parents it’s the right time for him. 

Join us for week 2 of our Rock Solid Radio series I Want it Now as we unpack the instant gratification of phones and entertainment today. 

Click HERE to view this week’s podcast

Click HERE to listen to this week’s podcast