What Does Your Family Stand For?

Remember the old song by John Mellencamp called “You’ve Got to Stand for Somethin’”?

If not, I encourage you to look it up. I know I’m showing my age, but good music is good no matter how old you are. Good lessons are good no matter how old as well. Mellencamp brings to light the importance of standing up for what we believe is important. I want to take this idea and apply it to families and parenting.  What do you as a parent stand for? What does your family stand for? Do your kids know what your family values? These questions are so incredibly important to ask as a parent but are often not even on a parent’s radar not to mention their kids. 

Why are these questions so important? For the same reason that Mellencamp gives in his song, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’re going to fall for anything.”That’s exactly what we are seeing all across our country today- people falling for anything! As a parent, this can be so costly for the family. It’s costly when the things we fall for are not healthy for our family or downright harmful. So if that’s the case, why are we falling for so many things we know can hurt us? At the risk of stepping on people’s toes, let’s face it, we are suckers for instant gratification. “If it feels good, do it!” “I deserve to be happy!” “It’s all about MY comfort!” Should I go on? What’s worse is that in this 24/7 digital age, marketing agencies and social media platforms understand exactly what appeals to our desires. The packaging is shiny and flashy. The bold print screams, “You Need Me”! “You deserve it”!

I’m as bad as anyone out there. I can rationalize nearly every decision I make. I make up excuses and then make deals with myself to soften the guilt. You know what I mean, you’re guilty just like me. We eat the chocolate cake but tell ourselves that we will run a couple of extra miles tomorrow to burn it off. That’s a bold-faced lie! So, how do I help myself and my family from being swept up by what feels good in the moment or the latest and greatest temptations? Let’s first ask ourselves some questions. What do you stand for and why? Is your decision to stand for something based on a solid foundation or is it based on feelings, opinions, fleshly desires? Are there alot of exceptions or gray areas? Is your stance easily persuaded to change? Do you sometimes describe yourself as a “go with the flow” kind of person?

Sure, there are many decisions in life that are not that important in the grand scheme of things: the color of your shoes, the genre of music you listen to, wheat or rye bread. Who cares, right, but there are plenty of things that do matter. Not only do they matter today, but they mattered yesterday and they will matter tomorrow. Do you stand for integrity? Doing the right thing, even when nobody’s watching. Do you stand for the golden rule? Treating others the way you want to be treated. Do you stand for unconditional love? Loving even when someone is acting unloveable. Do you stand behind your word where your yes means yes, and no means no? Do you stand behind your day’s work? An honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. Do you stand on the truth that we were all wonderfully and uniquely created by a loving God? “For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13 NIV) These are the unshakeable things to build your life and your home on.

At Rock Solid Families, my wife and I see day after day what happens when couples and families operate without a solid foundation. Doing what “feels” right in the moment or what would satisfy a more immediate desire does not always mean long term happiness or peace. It often comes at the cost of hurting others, breaking trust, losing integrity, breaking up families, and broken communities. As parents, we can not hide our family in a cave or protect our kids from every little challenge, but we can help build them to be strong in character. We can help develop in our children a foundation of strong morals and values for things that mattered yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

I challenge you to be more mindful in your home about taking a stand on the things that matter. I encourage you to stress these virtues on a daily basis with your kids. Don’t leave this matter to chance or public opinion. Just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t necessarily make it right. We have seen this and continue to see it every day in the world around us. Give your kids the courage and strength to stand strong and know why and what they are standing for. That doesn’t guarantee an easy life full of pleasure-seeking and fun. But it does help to ensure a person of principle that will positively impact generations to come. Remember, If you don’t stand for something, you’re going to fall for anything. Don’t let it be the fall of your family.

Slow Fade in Marriage

I was shocked when one of my key volunteers called early on a Sunday morning crying, “Linda, we need help. Our marriage is in crisis. I don’t know what to do”. What? I must have heard her wrong. Doug and Lisa appeared to be this strong, Christian couple who had been married for 12 years with 5 healthy and happy children. No way! 

We scheduled an appointment that same week and began to slowly uncover what I see as one of the most silent but deadly killers of marriages today; it’s what I call -the SLOW FADE. 

Unfortunately, Doug and Lisa’s story is not an uncommon one, especially for young and busy families.  Lisa admits she had put kids and activities above her relationship with Doug. Doug, on the other hand, had slowly drifted away from his wife no longer feeling like a priority in his home. While feeling distant from his wife, Doug found someone at work who was willing to listen and give him the time and attention he was desperately craving. Young couples aren’t the only victims of the slow fade. I’ve seen it destroy just as many or more “seasoned” couples too with 20-30 years under their belt. This is why I believe the SLOW FADE is one of the greatest epidemics plaguing marriages today. 

In the 1960s, Charles Hummel published a little booklet called Tyranny of the Urgent, which quickly became a must read for many professionals.  In it, Hummel argues that there is a regular tension between things that appear urgent and things that are important—and far too often, the urgent wins. I see the same tension destroying homes and families today. We have allowed the urgent to slowly push out what’s really important for a healthy and strong life-things like faith, family and personal wellness. 

You go through the McDonald’s drive-thru day after day eating in your car on the way to appointments or kids events instead of eating healthy meals at home as a family.  Couples trade date nights for kids’ soccer tournaments week after week complaining about how they never have any time together. But then after a while, they stop complaining and give up even trying. That’s the slow fade we’re talking about.

Your spouse just walked in the door from work while you’re getting a call or text from a friend.  We have allowed the world to have 24 hour access to us through things like texts, calls, notifications all while the most important people in the room are feeling...well, not that important. 

Sometimes, what appears to be urgent is happening right in our own home. Let’s face it, kids can make anything look like a crisis.  You know what I’m talking about. Your son can’t find his shoes and he’s screaming YOUR name for the hundredth time while you’re in the bathroom. Or your daughter “needs” to go to the mall TONIGHT because next week she needs a black tshirt for her concert. 

It’s rarely mean or malicious but over time, there is this slow fade. It’s an unconscious drift that happens when couples don’t prioritize and fight for what’s important. 

Here are some warning signs that your marriage may be in a slow fade…

1. Physical intimacy is little to non-existent and it’s not because of a physical condition or ailment. Are you sleeping in separate beds? Are you always too tired or too busy to be sexually intimate with your spouse? What’s going on? Is there a physical issue that needs to be addressed? Is there someone else who has captured the heart of your spouse so he/she no longer has any desire to be with you physically. Lean in to your spouse and work on a plan to rekindle the physical intimacy between the two of you.

2. Emotional Intimacy is waning. You’re not dreaming together anymore. You don’t feel like you can be authentic or vulnerable with your spouse. He or she won’t sit down and open up about what’s going on inside. Is there someone else outside your marriage who you ARE having those kind of conversations with? That’s a slippery slope if it’s someone of the opposite sex. Acknowledge that is NOT healthy and open up to your partner about your needs. 

3. Spiritual Intimacy is non existent. It’s tough to pull away from your spouse when God is at the center of the relationship. Less than 1% of couples who pray together on a regular basis divorce. Working in the church for 20 years, it was not uncommon for couples in a slow fade to fall off the radar and disappear. Kids stop coming to sunday school. Mom and dad stop going to church or drop out of their small group. It was the start of an ugly downhill slide for their family. Don’t let that happen if you are involved in a church. It’s a red flag of something deeper going on. 

4. Misplaced priorities-Put the big rocks in first. God, spouse, children in that order...and the others will fall in place naturally after that. If you or your partner continuously put other things or people ahead of those big rocks, danger, danger...you’re in a slow fade.

5. Unrealistic expectations or petty arguments-Are you and your spouse constantly fighting over silly things like socks on the floor or dishes in the sink??...can I just tell you.  It’s not about the dishes. There are some deeper issues looming. Maybe your spouse is hoping you’ll lean in and ask what’s really wrong. Or maybe you’re afraid to say anything because it will just lead to a blow up.

6. Shut Down Mode-This is probably one of the most dangerous red flags of the slow fade...the shut down mode. You’re getting nothing...no physical intimacy, no emotional intimacy, no spiritual intimacy...there’s not even any arguments. You and your spouse haven’t argued in years, because you haven’t really had a real conversation in years.  GET HELP TODAY! That’s not a marriage-that’s a roommate. You may be thinking your marriage is a nine out of 10 because you never fight but your partner is at a one. He or she has already checked out and maybe even checked in with someone else. 

If you or your spouse feel like you are in that SLOW FADE we described above, do what Doug and Lisa did. Get some help today. They are celebrating 22 years this year because of what God did in that difficult season 10 years ago. They are grateful to him for saving their marriage and have seen God use their story many times to bring others hope. Talk to your priest or pastor. Reach out to a professional Christian counselor. Contact us at rocksolidfamilies.org. Don’t keep brushing those feelings of emptiness and despair under the rug. Just as Satan can use those feelings to destroy your relationship with your spouse, God can use those SAME feelings to bring your relationship to a new and better level. I’ve seen it happen. Trust me; there is hope! You don’t have to settle for the status quo and think that’s all there is. But the answer is not in another man or woman. The answer is not working more or shutting down. The answer is looking up, leaning in and getting the help you need to have a healthy and strong marriage maybe even for the first time.

Is My Child "Gifted"?

As we prepare for the start of another school year, we wanted to take some time to touch on a question many parents will be asking their teachers and administration this coming school year. Is My Child “Gifted”?  At Rock Solid Families, we believe that’s a really loaded question to ask that first needs some clarification. The term “gifted” has created so much confusion and sparked so many conversations within our families and schools today.  As with many ideas in education, the same condition we’ve seen in kids for years often gets assigned a new name or terminology. A term that was used to describe a particular behavior or trait 40 years ago may now seem insensitive or even ignorant today.  Initially, it may have been fine, but overuse and misuse of certain terms start to create a negative connotation. Eventually, people want to distance themselves from certain titles or labels and eventually it gets replaced with a new term. 

In my 20 years as an elementary school counselor, I saw the word “gifted” as one of those terms. The difficulty with the term “gifted” is that it is not a “one-size-fits-all” label.  There is not a single test or screener that automatically determines a child to be gifted. This is why things can get really messy. A child could be gifted at math, science, reading, art, athletics, social interaction, speaking, etc..  What’s even more confusing is that a child may appear to be performing significantly high in one area but is nearly non-functional in another. I’m sure we’ve all seen a person that is amazing at math or science but is nearly paralyzed when it comes to social interaction.  Or how about the person that is musically head and shoulders above the crowd, but has a difficult time balancing their checkbook? This imbalance creates lots of confusion to the people they interact with as well as the person identified as “gifted”.  

Because identifying gifted and talented students is a touchy subject with many parents and school officials, I want to be very careful about sharing what I have learned from my 32 years of experience in the school setting.  My experience with this “gifted” label also hits close to home, which is why I’d like to share a little bit of our own family’s story.  

When our oldest son was in second grade, our school began a process of testing, screening, and interviewing students for qualification into the school’s gifted and talented program.  As the new counselor in the school building, I was just learning about what this process looked like. After several months of collecting data, our school’s gifted and talented coordinator came to me and said she had information about our oldest son that we needed to discuss. Her data indicated that our oldest son was scoring in the top 98 percentile in almost every test, screener, or interview she had given him.  His scores opened the door for the school’s gifted and talented program, and she wanted to know if that was something we were interested in pursuing. 

My wife and I began to discuss what this meant to us and our son.  You see, we never really thought of our son as gifted. We just always thought of him as an “all boy” kind of kid.  Yes, he excelled in some areas, but we also saw that he was average in many others. We began to discuss what would be best for our son in the long run.  More than anything in this world, we wanted our son to grow up to be a well-adjusted and healthy adult mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  We wanted our son to be a problem-solver and to be able to handle social interactions successfully. We wanted him to care about his family and others and know the importance of servanthood and hard work.  We wanted our son to experience failure and understand that he could grow through it. We wanted him to understand that all people have gifts and talents and that he would someday have to rely on the strength of others to succeed.   We wanted our son to understand that he was and still is a great young man with lots of potential to do amazing things as well as capable of making mistakes like everyone else. We wanted him to be humble and to know that he was created for a purpose to serve God and others.

Here’s what we knew we did not want.  We did not want our son to feel above or better than anyone else.  We did not want him to feel any extra burden to live up to a certain label. We did not want to create an environment that incubated an elitist or arrogant mindset.  We did not want him to carry undue stress for being something he struggled to live up to. 

 So, when our conversation was finished, my wife and I made a decision.  We decided that we did not want our son identified as gifted. We didn’t want him misled into thinking he was any more or less gifted than any other child.  Instead, we allowed him to take the path that his peers took and when he excelled we encouraged and celebrated his success. When he fell short or struggled, we stressed the importance of overcoming and teaching empowerment and skills to succeed.  We also quickly noticed that our son naturally tracked himself into many of the opportunities and experiences that the “gifted” kids were experiencing. Life often has a natural way of doing that. 

Here’s the bottom line;  I’m not saying that your child being labeled as “gifted” is a bad thing.  In fact, this label may very well open the door to experiences that will serve them well.  What I am saying is that your child may not necessarily be better off because of the label.  What’s the motivation behind the label? Weigh the pros and cons before making a decision. Think about how this label may impact your child socially, academically, spiritually, etc…  As in most things in life, there is usually more than one way to the same goal. Being labeled “gifted” may be what opens new and exciting doors for them, but remember, your child is far more than a single label.  Your child is a beautiful but often messy combination of different traits, skills, behaviors, and gifts. Some will be seen as blessings, but some will be seen as shortcomings. Praise and encourage where they are strong and help them learn and grow where they are weak. This balanced approach will not only help your child succeed in school but more importantly life as well.  

Are You A Rescue Parent?

By trying to protect children from failure now...you actually set them up for greater failure later. Merrill Hutchinson

Earlier this year my daughter in law shared a video with me that showed her kids hiking with her on a wet sloppy trail.  At first, it looked like a great family adventure out in mother nature on a beautiful trail. Suddenly, our two-year-old grandson took off running up the trail. Before anyone could really react, he tripped and fell flat on his face.  Mud and water splattered and his entire face and belly were covered with mud. This was not a little stumble causing a fall to the knee. This was an all-out face-plant! The next thing you hear on the video is my daughter in law chuckling and saying, it’s all right, you’re fine.  When she finally caught up to him, he began to stand up and when he saw she was smiling, he began to laugh. She laughed right back at him and they continued up the trail.  

Now, maybe this shouldn’t even be a story worth referencing, but I believe it has merit.  After working at the elementary school level for over 20 years, I have met many parents that would handle this scenario in a completely different manner.  Just speculating, but I can imagine parents that would have yelled at their children as soon as they took off running. “Don’t run, you’re going to trip and fall!”  Or, after seeing their child fall, running in a panic as if their child just broke their neck. Or, maybe having a child on a leash just to prevent them from even having the opportunity to leave your side.  Or, the ultimate in protection, “No, we are not going to hike on a muddy trail. Someone could get hurt and it will be a muddy mess.” Which parent are you?

We love our daughter in law not just because she married our son.  We love them as parents to our grandchildren because we believe they are raising their children to be problem solvers.  They are growing up to be strong, courageous, adventurous, and most importantly, victors and not victims. On a daily basis, they allow their kids to take reasonable risks. As parents, they are teaching our grandchildren to celebrate the victories but also learn from the mistakes. 

No doubt, parenting can be difficult; wondering if you are doing and saying the right things.  Wondering if your discipline is effective and meaningful. Wondering if you are growing your kids to thrive and survive in a sometimes cruel world.  Wondering if you are giving your kids too much or too little. These may be real thoughts and fears, but here’s the important question I think you need to ask yourself.  What kind of adults do you want your children to grow to be? In my 20 years of working with parents, I more often than not get the same answer. “When my child is an adult, I want them to be happy, independent, well-adjusted, and feeling successful in their life.” AWESOME! Me TOO!

As parents, we understand we can’t guarantee our children a problem-free life.   In fact, there’s a better chance we could guarantee them a life with challenges and problems. None of us are guaranteed a problem-free life, but if we want our children to succeed in life and be well adjusted later, we must equip and teach them NOW how to navigate problems and failures.   I would suggest that attempting to remove all the problems, or solving the problems for your children, places them at incredible risk for a very tumultuous and unrewarding life. By trying to protect children from failure now...you actually set them up for greater failure later.

So, how can I help my child grow to be that adult that is happy, independent, well-adjusted, and feeling successful?  

• Realize and understand that your child is not perfect and neither are you.

• Don’t own your child’s mistakes or short-comings.  If they fail, allow them to fail. Don’t argue with the teachers, coaches, referees, or anyone else about something your child did wrong. When they mess up, look at the situation as an incredible teaching moment!

• Never make excuses for your child and never tolerate excuses from your child.  Excuses are the first step to allowing your child to become a victim. “It’s not my fault” are words that should not be tolerated in your home. 

• Limit the amount of time that you will allow your child to pout or feel sorry for themselves.  Yes, there will be emotion when a child suffers loss, rejection, or makes a mistake. That’s okay!  But please do not allow them to get stuck there. Once the emotions settle, train them to shift into problem-solving mode. Again, you do not solve the problem.  Encourage them by saying, “Okay, that didn’t go the way you wanted. What are you able to do about it now?” That’s empowerment!

• Practice what you preach.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, and own them! When you’ve made a mistake let your children see that you admit the mistake and that you are able to work toward solving the problem. 

• Encourage age-appropriate risk-taking and allow them to own the natural consequences of those risks.  “Yes, you can ride your bike and jump off your homemade ramp, but if you wreck, you need to understand you could get hurt.”  With that being said, if they wreck, you do not scream and yell, “I told you so!” Instead, we say something to the effect of.  Wow! That looks like it hurt. Are you okay? Alright, go clean up your wounds and get back on your bike!  

• Encourage exploration and exposure to activities your children are good at and things they are not necessarily good at.  This is all part of the discovery process. They may find something they excel at that ultimately directs the pathway of their life.  Or, they may find something that they never want to do again, and they will have solid reasons for why they don’t want to do it. 

My parents were not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but when I look back at what they gave my siblings and I, I am so grateful. I am most grateful that they taught us about putting our faith and trust in God in this difficult world. I am so grateful they taught us to be honest and hardworking and take responsibility for our actions and teaching us to take risk and trust that things will work out.  As I write this I hear my dad’s voice saying what he so often said to us; “Do something even if it’s wrong!”

“None of us are guaranteed a problem-free life, but if we want our children to succeed in life and be well adjusted later, we must equip and teach them NOW how to navigate problems and failures. ”

— Merrill Hutchinson

Before You Say “I Do”

Summer is finally here and you know what that means. At least for our friends and family, summer means lots of swimming, grill outs, graduations, and yes, weddings. Merrill and I were married on a sweltering July day back in 1987; we will be married 32 years on July 24. If you’re married and reading this, maybe you had a summer wedding too. I don’t know about you, but we were such young pups when we got married without a clue of what we were doing when we said, “I Do”. I’m not sure where we would be today without God’s unmerited favor.  I thank God every day for His grace and the blessing of Merrill, our five children, two amazing daughter in laws and 2 ⅓ adorable grandchildren (Yep, another one is on the way). Each one of them is a blessing in my life I do not deserve.

I say all this not just to reminisce but to attack some myths Merrill and I have seen young couples fall for over the past 25 years. Over and over again, couples have fallen into the same traps creating trouble for them years down the road. None of these are easy topics. There are as many opinions as there are words in a dictionary. We could spend days unpacking each one, but in this season of weddings and engagements, I feel like it’s time to do some myth busting about marriage and relationships.

BUSTING SOME MARRIAGE MYTHS

Photo Credit: Olivia Strohm Photography

1. “Love is All We Need”-That’s a great title for a movie or love song, but that’s not real life. Without investing in each other and nurturing that relationship through good communication and conflict resolution skills...that infatuation quickly begins to fade away. Why do you think only 2% of new marriages started as high school sweethearts? Love is not a feeling, but instead a conscious decision that must be fed and nurtured. A healthy marriage takes each partner giving 100% to the relationship. Besides healthy relationship skills, the greatest tool in our marriage toolbox is God Himself.  Without the Lord at the center of their relationship, couples are building on sinking sand.

2. “Time Will Resolve Our Problems”- Sometimes it’s the little things over time that destroy trust and slowly eat away at a relationship. If you and your partner have things that have never been addressed or resolved and they are causing bitterness and anger to build up, it’s time to get some help. Work toward compromise and resolution BEFORE you say “I do”.  Time does not heal all wounds. Over time, it can be the little things that hardened your heart toward your partner. Don’t let things go unresolved thinking they are “no big deal”. If you keep brushing things under the rug without ever dealing with them...you eventually start tripping over the rug!

3. “My Partner is My Everything”- Putting your partner on a pedestal and declaring him/her to be your world is setting your partner up for horrible failure. God never intended your partner to be your savior...your everything. Your partner IS going to disappoint you. He/She IS going to let you down over and over again. That’s called being human, and that’s why we all need to extend this thing called grace. Look in the mirror. You’re not perfect either and you’re going to need your partner to extend grace to you. We all do.  We’re going to disappoint and let others down. We see couples all the time enter into a relationship with rose colored glasses assuming their partner can meet all their needs. Good luck with that one! That’s not how God designed marriage. There is still a need for outside friendships. There is still a need for alone time, and there is still a HUGE need for God. I tell couples all the time. God is a jealous God, and he won’t settle for second place even in your marriage.

4. “Living Together Helps Prepare Us For Marriage”-This one depends on what you’re preparing for. If you want to know if your partner snores or is a good cook, maybe that’s true, but if you are looking for a forever commitment, not so much. When a couple chooses to live together before marriage, it can infuse doubt and mistrust into the very core of the relationship. It’s hard to trust someone completely when they have an easy exit strategy. The message living together often sends to a partner is “I’m not sure you’re the one for me”. I want to “test drive” the relationship. Well, test driving is great for cars you want to buy, but we’re not dealing with cars here. We’re dealing with people’s emotions and when we start intertwining sexual intimacy and financial bank accounts together without a forever commitment-things get really messy.  It’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle. I’m not here to say that couples who live together before marriage won’t last, but I am saying it definitely starts the building process on shaky ground. Regardless of what people may say, Cohabitation is NOT the best way to prepare for marriage.

A healthy marriage is not about what we selfishly GET from the relationship, but what we selflessly GIVE. It’s more about BEING the one than finding “the one”. When we look at our partner and say “I’m ALL IN” and approach marriage as a lifetime commitment through the good times and the bad, that’s when we create a relationship of love and trust.  That’s when you begin to build on a rock solid foundation for your new life together. The best way to prepare for marriage is to pursue God as a couple and get wise premarital counsel.

Many couples spend years saving and planning for their wedding day. Did you know that the average cost of a wedding in the United States last year was over $33,000? That is crazy! Couples spend a ton of money and time picking out dresses, flowers and venues. What if couples would take that same kind of time and attention in seeking God as the center of their relationship? Take the time to pray for your relationship, for each other, and for your future family. Statistics show that over 99% of married couples who pray together on a regular basis stay together. I don’t know of anything else that compares to that success rate. Research also shows that 80% of couples that get quality premarital counseling stay married.

So before you say “I do”, take the time to pursue God together. Talk to your priest or pastor. Invest in premarital counseling. Find a Christian mentor couple to walk alongside you. Slow down and do this right. After all, it’s not about one special day on the calendar, but a very special relationship you want to last a lifetime.

Marriage First Aid

I still remember where I was when I got the call. I was in Orlando, Florida at a ministry conference when one of my key church volunteers called me in tears. He and his wife were in marital crisis. She was ready to leave.  How could that be? They looked like they had it all together. I was with their whole family just the week before. How could I have missed the storm brewing and growing inside their home?

I remember that day like it was yesterday, but in reality it was over 15 years ago. That day is forever seared in my mind, because it stirred something inside that has never left me - a heart for couples in crisis. Working with couples and families was nothing new for my husband and I. For years, we had been working with engaged couples walking alongside them before they said “I Do”. For years, I had worked with families as a teacher and children’s minister. But this was different. This time, I felt ill-equipped and blindsided.

Maybe you’ve been there.  A family member or friend calls you to say, “I can’t do this anymore” or “He/She left”, and you’re left holding the phone in shock. Now what? Often we feel helpless wishing we had a band-aid or some magic words, but we don’t. The helplessness I felt that winter day in Orlando Florida sent me on a quest for truth and tools for my friends and the countless other couples God would put in my path.

If you are reading this today, I’m first here to share with you some truth. There is NOTHING that you or someone you love is experiencing right now that God can not bring beauty from (Isaiah 61:1-3). In 20 years of ministry, I have seen God bring healing and beauty out of the ugliest of circumstances. Adultery, Addiction, Illness, Bankruptcy, Felonies, Abuse….you name it; God can redeem it! Now, I didn’t say every marriage will be restored. Restoration takes two willing partners which doesn’t always happen in marital conflict. But if you are willing to do it His way, God is ABLE! My husband and I host a weekly radio show called ROCK SOLID RADIO and recently did an episode on this very topic. Check it out at eaglecountryonline.com or just click HERE

Maybe you’re reading this and you’re thinking it’s already too late. Maybe you and your spouse have already divorced and moved on. God can still make something beautiful out of your pain and heartache if you surrender it to Him. He is still able to do more than all you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21). Maybe, it’s not you but a friend, and you have no idea what to say or do. First and foremost, pray for them. Ask God to give you the wisdom and discernment in knowing what to say and what not to say. But what if there was more we could do? What if we had some first aid tools when the bleeding starts to occur?

MARRIAGE FIRST AID KIT
Just like students in school, it’s important we all have an emergency plan and practice it BEFORE the storm comes. Whether it’s a tornado or fire, students and adults practice the plan AHEAD of time.  It helps take the emotion out of the emergency and allows everyone to handle things in a safe and calm way. What if you and your spouse did the same thing? Sit down with your spouse and go over this together when things are good or when the emotion is out of the conflict.

Get a plan NOW on how you will handle the next storm or conflict that arises. No matter if it’s you or someone you know, there is hope and healing when conflict occurs.  Here are some tried and true tools I believe every first aid plan should include:

1. Take a Time Out-Don’t try and resolve conflict in the heat of emotion. Take time to cool down. If it is your spouse who is angry, walk away to allow the situation to deescalate. Go for a walk, take a drive, go in your room. Take time to step away from the emotion and calm down with the commitment that you will be back to resolve it later when the emotion has subsided. It may be an hour or a day, but don’t allow the negative emotion to fester and grow.

2. Initiate a sincere apology-Take the time to reflect on how you contributed to the conflict and own it. Even if you think your spouse was 95% in the wrong, own your 5%. (Don’t tell them you are only 5% in the wrong...that’s not going to help!) After a cooling down period, approach your spouse and apologize for your part of the argument and then STOP. Don’t go on to crucify their response or justify yours. That will only put your partner on the defense and shut down any possibility of healing your relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to apologize, don’t give up and strike back. It may take time for your partner to believe you are sincere and not just wanting to throw them under the bus.

3. Don’t keep score-Once you have apologized, let it go. Don’t keep bringing up the past and throwing it in their face. If you are a couple that keeps score, you may win an argument but you will lose your marriage.

4. Daily Investment of Time- I believe many couples are struggling because they have not made their marriage a priority. They’ve put everything in front of their marriage relationship. Work, Kids, Screens, you name it and it has replaced the marriage as the daily priority. Your spouse needs to know that he/she is the most important person in your life. If they’re not….that’s the problem. It’s time to make your spouse a priority. Every day for about 15-20 min, take the time to sit down with your partner uninterrupted and just dialogue. Ask them how they are doing and what’s going on in their world. Compliment and thank them whenever possible. No kids, no screens, no dishes...just the two of you. You will be amazed how esteemed and valued your spouse will feel. You will be surprised how much you learn in just 15-20 minutes. So many conflicts come from a break down of communication. This daily investment would save so many storms from brewing.

5. Christ Centered Marriage-You want to storm proof your marriage? Take your child off the throne. Take your work off it’s pedestal. Stop expecting your spouse to be something God never created them to be. All of those things...our children, our work, even our spouse make lousy gods. Put Jesus Christ on the throne in your home. Build your home on a foundation that is unshakable and can weather ANY storm. As a couple, pray for each other and for your family every day. The divorce rate for couples who pray together on a regular basis is less than 1 percent. I don’t know of a better way to storm proof your marriage. When Christ is our focus, we begin to understand how to love our wife and respect our husband unconditionally. We begin to extend grace and offer forgiveness, because we realize how WE have been forgiven by our Heavenly Father who loves us and forgives us daily.  

6. Seek Professional Help Early-Don’t wait until your spouse walks out the door. If you can’t seem to resolve the conflict on your own, seek professional help. Call a counselor. Reach out to a priest/pastor. Contact us at Rock Solid Families for marriage/family coaching. There is help and hope available.

Like I mentioned before, there are no magic words that can instantly repair a hurting relationship.  There is no magic pill you can swallow and heal deep wounds, but there is a Heavenly Father who has given us a way to have all those things we so desperately desire...peace, love, joy, and hope.

At Rock Solid Families, we are here to help you find those things in a Christ-centered home. If we can help you or your family, please don’t hesitate to call our St. Leon, IN office at 812-576-ROCK or contact us through our website at rocksolidfamilies.org. In the meantime, please know that if you’re reading this, we are praying for YOU and asking God to help you build a Rock Solid Family!

The Golden Rule

I’m sick and tired of the bickering!  I’m sick and tired of selfish fighting no matter the cost to the rest of us!  I’m sick and tired of energy going into what seems to be a futile endeavor! Thanks! I feel better now that I got that off my chest!

You might think I’m describing the lack of civility that we sometimes see in our homes between our children.  That would make sense as kids can spend countless hours trying to protect their turf within the house. The back and forth can be draining and downright insane.  As parents, we work hard to raise our children through these crazy years and hopefully teach them to be more civil and respectful toward each other. It is not unusual for adult family members to say things like, “Yeah, we couldn’t stand each other when we were young, but now we are best friends.” As a parent, this is the great reward for all of our efforts in raising kids.

I wish I could say that my initial tirade was directed solely toward my house and raising kids, but that would only partially be true.  What I’m really sick and tired of is how childish behavior has crept into our culture; politics, media, business, even religion have fallen into these unhealthy and unsustainable behaviors.  Yes, the effort to persuade and influence others to a particular point of view at any and all cost has left is well beyond the activities of a couple of siblings fighting for turf. It is now full-blown in nearly all parts of our society.  In fact, the attacks and bickering within our politics, businesses, sports, churches, schools, and neighborhoods make a home filled with sibling rivalry look like a picnic.

Disagreement is not unhealthy.   Being challenged is good and can be healthy! Challenge leads to growth. Whether it is challenging our muscles, our creativity, our relationships, or even our faith. However, it must come with some ground rules and a greater purpose. Disagreement for the sake of protecting “your” way, is not necessarily healthy.  But, challenge for the sake of protecting something greater than yourself; i.e. principles, can be very healthy.

When we adopted our three children, Linda and I were completely blown away by how much fighting and arguing was going on inside our house.  While raising our older sons, we seldom experienced much feuding and when disagreements arose, we quickly resolved them. In fact, we often stated that our goal was to have a house of peace.  The world was crazy enough, we needed to make sure our house was a place where we could be recharged and ready to take on another crazy day in a crazy world. Needless to say, when we adopted our three younger children the daily fighting, yelling, and bickering between them was disturbing.  Honestly, it made wanting to come home less attractive than I had ever experienced. Who wants to walk into a firestorm of mean and selfish rants every day? Not me!

Linda and I had to quickly change our focus on what was important in our home.  We realized that our kids had spent their entire lives fighting for themselves. They had no vision of what it was to fight for their family. Our entire focus had to turn to teaching, “family first”. This has not been easy or fast. Our culture has more recently, (the past 30 years), placed greater emphasis and promotion of immediate gratification and getting what we want with little consideration of what others might want or need.  Trying to teach that getting your own way often comes at the expense of another person can be a difficult process, especially when the culture promotes selfishness.

We realized that our kids were operating with what I refer to as an empathy deficit.  It is often difficult for them to see things through another person’s eyes.  The result is often selfish and even inappropriate behaviors. Fighting, bickering, and self-promotion are some of the common behaviors you see with an empathy deficit.

So, rather than simply state that our house needed to be a house of peace.  We started to teach what our decisions might feel like from another person’s point of view.  For example, saying that stealing is bad is only a good first step. But for kids that are used to getting whatever they want, no matter how they get it, stealing happens to become a means to an end.  So, how do you teach this kind of thing?

Time must be spent on teaching and experience the emotions created by right and wrong.  For example, when a young child steals a toy, they may feel happy because they have a new toy. But, how does the child feel that the toy was stolen from?  This is where we begin to teach empathy. This can be done through role-playing or experiencing natural consequences. In other words, “how would you feel if someone stole that from you?”  Or, since you stole that item, you must return it, apologize, and pay back double the cost. Ouch!

Teaching younger children to ask questions like “How was your day?” is a powerful first step to teach younger children about empathy.  Once our children begin to understand empathy, it is much easier for them to transfer that into adult relationships and interaction. Remember the Golden Rule?  Treat others the way you want to be treated!  Matthew 7:12 states; So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the prophets.

Where does this all lead us?  Much of what we see in our society today grows out of what we are already seeing in our homes.  If our homes are filled with dissension and fighting today, our society will be filled with dissension and fighting tomorrow.  If we really want to stop this insanity, we need to start in our homes. I believe it is a worthy effort to strive to make your house a “house of peace”!  Maybe perfection is not attainable, but at least setting up a general expectation will allow our families to become more cohesive. Start today by teaching your kids the value of empathy...The Golden Rule!

Negotiating with Your Child?

Ever have this at your dinner table? You spent a long time preparing a great meal only to have your child turn her nose up at it. She pouts and shouts and refuses to eat until you finally give in and let her eat whatever she wants out of the fridge.

Negotiation is a great thing when it is done correctly.  Over my years of working with others, I’ve had many opportunities to walk through the negotiation process.  Early on, I realized that for me to even think about entering into this process, several key understandings and beliefs had to be in place between the involved parties.  If they were not, it was better to not even entertain the process. Negotiations will only stand a chance at being successful if the process is standing on the following pillars:

• Mutual Respect

• Trust

• Good Faith and Intent

• Understanding and Belief in the Process

• Shared Values

Whether it be purchasing a car or a house.  Interviewing for a job, or settling a business deal.  Negotiations can be very rewarding and successful when they stand on the above pillars. Without these, the process will at best, fall short, at worst, be disastrous and potentially harmful and costly to the involved parties.

So what does all of this have to do with negotiating with your child? Over the years, I’ve had many discussions with parents about negotiating with their children.  I’ve even had several cases in which parents were impressed that their elementary aged child was becoming a skilled negotiator. They seemed to applaud the process. Often, they would state something to the effect of, “Hey, in my world, learning to be a strong negotiator is a valuable skill.  Someday, it may make them a lot of money!”

Yes, there may be some truth to this, but here is my opinion on negotiating with a child.  I would never want to negotiate with someone that did not work from the pillars previously mentioned:  Mutual Respect, Trust, Good Faith/Intent, Understanding/ Belief in the Process, and Shared Values. With that being said, I strongly encourage parents to avoid negotiating with their young children.  Why you may ask? Let’s look at the typical child. Now, this isn’t meant to be mean or ill-spirited, but rather, truthful. Our kids are born and quickly develop into selfish beings. If you don’t believe me, go hang around a 2 - 3-year old for about 30 minutes. The terrible twos are terrible because the child has become aware of themselves and how they interact with the world. Their little brains are excited to think about things they want and finding ways to execute getting those things...at any and all cost! Tantrums, crying, sibling rivalry, and attempts at negotiating are just part of a young child’s day.

Our young children are not bad or evil for thinking of themselves first but do not be fooled.  Children are by their nature, selfish. It is a very abstract thought process to step outside of your own thoughts and desires and think about what someone else might be feeling or thinking.  This process is slowly learned, and the brain has to develop and mature just to be capable of doing such thinking.

You may be asking…why don’t you trust your kids? My response is simple…I do not trust them YET! Trust is something that must be developed and grown.  Trust occurs when people are working from a respected and shared value system.  A child doesn’t know what is valued in a relationship until they are old enough to understand how a relationship works? I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to work with thousands of kids.  What I know to be true is that no matter how good that child is, they simply are not ready for high level or abstract thinking An elementary age child is still learning how to interact with others and how to combat the selfish tendency hardwired into all of us.  

Watching kids on the playground is a perfect example.  You will see them argue and bicker back and forth to the point that sometimes just seems cruel.  This cruelty comes out simply because a child is acting like a child, selfish. They want what they want no matter what you want.  

So, as part of the process of becoming a well adjusted and successful adult, we learn to temper our selfish hard wiring and develop important relationship tools such as empathy, understanding, and effective communication.  These skills may not seem difficult on the surface, but I believe it is the reason for much of the conflict in our world today.  Politics, business, marriage, parenting, etc…, trouble comes when we revert back to our selfish tendencies and presume our way is the only way.

So, let me suggest that we don’t negotiate with our children until they have learned the following:  

• Mutual Respect

• Trust

• Good Faith and Intent

• Understanding and Belief in the Process

• Shared Values

The way kids learn and understand these essential pillars of negotiation is by first teaching them the tools of empathy, understanding, and effective communication.  This can be more difficult for some children than others.  As the parent, you want to teach these skills and then help them understand how they build strong and healthy relationships.  So, if you want your children to grow up to be successful and well-adjusted adults, please do not spend your time negotiating with them.  Rather, spend your time teaching and encouraging your children to understand the value of valuing others.  Once you begin to have confidence in their ability to value others, then you will find yourself being more comfortable entering into the negotiation process.  Not only will this help your children, but it will help all the people your children come into a relationship with as an adult.  I don’t know about you, but I would call that a Win-Win DEAL!

Parenting in a Tech Heavy World

As a parent or grandparent, are you desperate for some help in the area of technology/social media?  In his book, The Tech Wise Family, author Andy Crouch surveyed a thousand parents of children ages 4-17 and asked them, “What is the number one concern you have as a parent?” Out of a thousand surveyed, the number one thing parents were concerned about for their children was technology/social media.

Finding a healthy balance in this fast paced, ever changing digital age is so hard for families today. Parents have nothing to draw from or compare it to. They didn’t grow up with a phone in their pocket that demanded their attention 24/7. Parents are struggling on how to find that healthy balance for their family. The constant demand for connectedness and the increasing stress they face every day is becoming overwhelming for our kids. This tech heavy world is too difficult for children to navigate alone.

My husband and I feel like we have parented children in two different worlds. Raising our two older sons just 10 years ago looked very different than raising our three youngest today. Shortly after adopting our youngest three a few years ago, we began hearing things like “If you loved me, you’d buy me a phone.” “I’m the ONLY one in my class without a phone.” So many children and parents have mistakenly equated technology with love.  Not wanting their child to feel ostracized or left out, parents give in to the pressure purchasing devices they often can't afford and putting them in the hands of kids who often can’t handle them.

Many adults rationalize their technology decisions with their kids by comparing it to their own technology use.  I often hear parents say things like, “My kids already know more about technology than I do. Why bother?” “I’m tired of the fight. If you can’t beat them, join them”  “I’ve got good kids. This really doesn’t apply to me”. “They are just like me. I can’t live without it either.”

As a parent or grandparent, we can NOT afford to be passive bystanders or hide our heads in the sand. Our society is reaping the consequences of our decisions, and our children’s health is at stake!  Much research has been done on the detrimental effects excessive screen usage has on a child’s brain development. A child’s prefrontal cortex, the decision making part of the brain, is not fully developed until their early 20’s. Many children today are suffering from Excessive Screen Syndrome (ESS) which causes a hyper arousal of a child’s sensitive nervous system creating dysfunction in school, home and social interactions. ESS affects sleep, diet, behavior, family dynamics and school performance. Do you know a child struggling with irritability, depression, tantrums, poor self-regulation, social immaturity, insomnia, oppositional-defiant behaviors, disorganized behavior, poor sportsmanship, or learning difficulties? Researchers would contend that it very well could be because of excessive screen time. (Reset Your Child’s Brain, Victoria Dunckley MD, 2015)

“We’ve made a conscious decision in our home to stop giving our kids what they WANT or what the world says they should have and start giving them what they NEED! ”

— Linda Hutchinson

Teaching your child self control NOW has a direct correlation to their health and success as an adult. (The Collapse of Parenting, Dr. Leonard Sax, 2017) As parents, we must decide now that character traits like self control, integrity, and honesty take priority over how connected we are to the world. We’ve made a conscious decision in our home to stop giving our kids what they WANT or what the world says they should have and start giving them what they NEED!  Yes, technology is a regular battle in our home too, but remember you are the parent. Kelly Newcom, author and founder of Brave Parenting, writes about this very topic in her book, Managing Media-Creating Character. Kelly (Rodden) Newcom, an East Central High School grad, grew up in SE Indiana and now lives in Texas with her husband and 7 children. Her book is a great resource for any parent.

Technology/social media is here to stay and can be used for positive things, but don’t be naive to think it doesn’t come at a cost. How many more horror stories do we have to read about in the paper or hear on the news?  Cyber bullying, sexting, suicide, murder….when do we finally say something has to change? I believe we can help by starting in our homes. Here are some practical suggestions to help you create a healthy media plan for your family. Together, we can make a difference.

• CREATE A FAMILY MEDIA PLAN-Have a family meeting. Set the reset button and model for your children a healthy balance with technology. Develop a family media plan with limits and guidelines and stick to it. Remember, you are not their friend; you are their parent. There’s a difference! Consistency is the key. Click HERE to create a family media plan today.

• LIMIT ACCESS AND USAGE-Set screen time limits for your whole house based on their age and maturity and enforce them.The longer you wait to give a child a phone, the longer you have influence over their decisions. The minute they can access a friend without your permission, you’ve lost your voice and place as the primary influence in their lives. Let go SLOW. Don’t use screens as a pacifier or babysitter. For screen time guidelines for different ages and more help on this topic, go to healthychildren.org.

• NO SCREENS AT THE DINNER TABLE-Spend the time talking about the highs and lows of the day and investing in the relationships around you. Your spouse and children need to know they take priority over your phone.

• NO SCREENS IN A CHILD’S BEDROOM-Sleep deprivation is the biggest culprit for the anxiety, depression, and learning difficulties our kids are experiencing today. Charge all phones and tablets in a parent’s bedroom including friends who spend the night.

• LIMIT SOCIAL MEDIA-Do not recommend for elementary or middle school students. Monitor activity. Inappropriate behavior results in no social media. Know accounts and passwords. Remember, you are still the parent and as long as you are paying the bills and they are under your roof, you have the power!

Need help navigating these uncharted waters of technology/social media as a family? Contact us at 812-576-ROCK or rocksolidfamilies.org.