Baby, its Cold Outside!

I know, I’m supposed to be content in all situations. I’m not supposed to grumble or complain. Okay! Okay!  But can you just give me a minute to vent? I hate WINTER! Great! Now that I got that off my chest, let’s move on.  I really don’t hate everything about winter. I like the snow and the holidays, but I hate not being outside and active like I am in the warmer months.  The limited daylight and colder temperatures make it much less inviting to do the things I enjoy outside. In the wonderful Ohio Valley, we have more than our share of cloudy and raining days in the winter.  I think I must have some hibernation tendencies in me because it’s a pretty much a guarantee that I’m going to gain an extra 10 pounds every winter. I also notice that my energy and mood tend to be lower. My wife might even say I have a bad attitude in the winter.  And she might be right!

So, over the years, I’ve had to be very intentional about taking care of myself especially in the winter months.  I understand that I have a choice in how my winters are going to go, and how I’m going to deal with them. Here are some of the things that I have used to stay healthy and keep my winter blues in check:

• Be intentional about your exercise and activity level.  Typically this is so much easier in the summer. But in the winter you have to make it a priority.  Join a gym. Schedule a time in your day to workout. Sign up for a basketball or volleyball league. Join us at Rock Solid Families for a fitness class.

• Limit your screen time.  TV’s, computers, and phones all have one thing in common, they have you sitting on your tail way too much.  Excessive sitting causes muscles and joints to get stiff. It also is not demanding many calories, so your calories are stored as fat.  Ugh!

• Start an indoor project. Maybe it’s time to remodel or paint a room. Do you have a garage or barn that you can fix a vehicle or restore an old car in?  How about a woodworking project? My mom used to love to do a winter puzzle!

• Commit to an activity or organization several hours a week.  Maybe it’s a bible study at church, or lunch with friends. Putting this on the calendar gives you something to look forward to and gets you out and moving.

• Be mindful of your eating, especially the carbs!  Carbohydrates are sometimes called “feel-good” foods.  Sugars and grains that taste good and make us feel good, but only for a short time.  Carbohydrates play havoc on your body. You crave them, they make you feel good, then, crash!  Yes, due to the insulin rush into your bloodstream to pull all that sugar out of the blood and into the cells as fast as possible.  The problem is this immediate rise and fall of sugar in the bloodstream leaves us feeling tired, groggy, and even depressed. If this is happening on a daily basis, we can find ourselves dealing with sugar-induced depression.

• Sunlight exposure!  There is no shortage of research data that demonstrates how exposure to sunlight helps to lift our mood.  Over the years, researches have coined the phrase S.A.D., Seasonal Affective Disorder. S.A.D., is actually nothing new.  It used to go by such terms as Winter Blues or Cabin Fever. S.A.D. is simply a drop in mood and energy that is triggered by the reduced amount of sunlight exposure.  Most people experience some level of this but are able to work through it without incident. However, if S.A.D symptoms are keeping you from being the person you know you can be, then it may be time to get help.  Diet, exercise, prayer, artificial sun-lamps, talk therapy, and even medications are among the few things available to reverse S.A.D.

Okay, so now that I’ve reminded myself on how to get through these cold, dark dreary days of winter.  I need to get out of my chair and go for walk! Embrace the cold!

Philippians 2:14

Do everything without complaining and arguing...

The Little Things

I would love to say that today’s blog is a warm and fuzzy one all about the little things that “make the season bright”. Instead, it’s a confession. It’s a confession on this week before Christmas about how I have let the little things crowd out the important ones. Anyone else with me? You know who you are. As a matter of fact, you’re not even sure you have time to read this whole thing, because you have a million things swimming around in that head of yours with just a few days before Christmas. Stay with me. Like God did with me, I think the Lord wants to minister to your heart today.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that still has a few things on their to do list before Christmas arrives. I have lists all over the house. There’s my gift buying list where I’ve tried to mark things off before hiding them away from the kids. There’s my Kroger’s Click it list that I keep adding to before tomorrow’s pick up. I’m trying to avoid having to go INTO the store to pick up last minute things I forgot before I circle around to pick up my Click it order. ( You know you’ve done it too) There’s my guest list for Christmas Eve dinner which is up to 30 people not counting our son’s gigantic puppy and our newest great nephew. There’s my cleaning list for the kids and adults that Merrill has offered to oversee. There’s the birthday party list as we try to squeeze a birthday celebration in with a bunch of teenage boys this weekend for our son with the Christmas Day birthday. There’s my packing list for Merrill and I as we take off right after Christmas to see our oldest son and his family. There’s my packing list for our three youngest who will be staying with their old foster parents while we are gone. Not to mention, my to do list for our ministry, Rock Solid Families.

I say all that to set the stage of where my mind was a few days ago as I ran into an old friend. I had just got out of my car where I had been silently running through every one of those lists above in my head. Ever been there?  I usually like driving with the radio off, so that I can pray while I drive, but not the other day. Instead, my mind was swimming when my friend saw me and asked, “What’s up? Anything?” Before I could catch them, the words that came out of my mouth along with a heavy sigh were “I can’t wait for Christmas to be over”. The weight of those words immediately broke my heart. In that moment, I had allowed all those little things swimming around my head to steal my joy.

We’ve all done it. We’ve all taken our eye off the prize before. That’s what makes us human and not God. The point of this article is two fold. One is to say...you are not alone. Satan is working on us all to distract, discourage, and destroy the good things God is doing in us and around us. The Bible warns, Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8.  After those words flew out of my mouth the other day, I had two choices. Beat myself up or get my eyes back in focus. Jesus talks about this very thing when he warns us not to worry. So don’t worry about these things, saying, What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear? These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. Matthew 6:31-33

The second purpose of this article is to encourage you to keep your eyes wide open to how the Lord is working and moving in your life. It’s easy to miss it if you allow yourself to get to distracted or discouraged like I was. Like Jesus said, seek Him first.  I walked away from my friend earlier this week so mad at myself for letting all those little things crowd out the important one- Jesus. As I walked into the store, I noticed the song playing over the speaker. It was a country singer singing Away in a Manger. How ironic that I would even notice the music playing in the background let alone a religious Christmas song. I had to chuckle and smile. It was as if the Lord was gently guiding my eyes back to the reason for the season. The next morning,  I opened my Jesus Calling devotion and found these words waiting for me, “Do not be weighed down by the clutter in your life; lots of little chores to do sometime, in no particular order. If you focus too much on these petty tasks, trying to get them all out of the way, you will discover that they are endless...Seek My face continually throughout the day. Let my Presence bring order to your thoughts infusing Peace into your entire being.” In God’s perfect timing and gentle way, He was reminding me that when I put Him first, he’ll help me take care of all those other little things. He was ministering to me in that moment and reminding me He’s got this.

If you’re reading this and you’re still feeling overwhelmed, please know we are praying for you. Our prayer is that you experience the peace and joy only a risen Savior can give you. From our family to yours, Merry Christmas!

One Size Does Not Fit All

How many times have you made the statement; “I wish these kids came with an instruction manual!” Yes, don’t we all!  

One Size Does Not Fit All!

In an effort to help people, many experts have written books about child rearing, but all too often, the information falls short. This is especially true in dealing with difficult subjects such as discipline, self-esteem, confidence, and social interaction.  You quickly glean through the well-intended tactics from your favorite new book, only to find out that it doesn’t quite work like they said it would. Ugh!!! What’s even more frustrating is when you use the material on one of your children with excellent outcomes, but it’s a complete failure on their sibling.  Typically, I will hear parents say, “They both live in the same house, have the same parents, live with the same rules and experiences, how could they be so different?”

Welcome to parenting! If it were only so easy as to read a book and have all the answers.  What many fail to realize is the uniqueness of every child. It’s for that reason that one size simply does not fit all.  So, how do we go about raising these unique beings? Over the years, I have had the opportunity to try many different tactics and ideas.  Some made me a believer, others, not so much. One thing I came to realize is that I needed to stop looking for “cookie-cutter” answers and take the time to learn who the child was.  Let me explain.

I listen to people talk about bringing back paddling into the school, of which I’m not opposed. However, I will tell you that paddling is not the answer for all kids. I've dealt with some kids that need little more than a stern voice to curb an unwanted behavior.  On the other hand, I’ve seen kids that I truly believed you could have hit with a 2x4 and they would respond with, “is that all you got”?

I’ve also heard people discuss how building confidence and self-esteem is critical.  On the surface, this seems reasonable, but again one size does not fit all. Some kids come to us with confidence dripping out of their pores.  In fact, if they don’t know how to handle it, they can be some of the worst people to associate with. Ever met someone who was always right or difficult to teach or coach? This type of confidence exudes itself as arrogance.  And, yes, there are those kids that doubt everything they say or do. Never believing they are good enough, constantly seeking affirmation, and quite frankly, often just as difficult to be around as the arrogant child.

As a parent, understanding this scripture is critical to raising your unique child.

Romans 12:4-8 (NIV)

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Yes, every body part has significant value to the total body.  One is not better than another. Would it make sense to make your eye function and behave like your ear?  That’s ridiculous! So is it ridiculous to think we should expect the same function and behavior from our kids. Should they all go to college? Should they all play sports? Should they all like to read? Should they all be leaders? The easy answer is NO!  But, way too often we see parents pushing things that may very well be what the world is saying is important, but not what God intended for your child.

 How do we deal with these unique kiddos?  

1. Spend time working on what your child needs the most help with.  If your child is a naturally confident, borderline arrogant child, you may have to help them understand and practice humility.  Teaching them how to listen to other’s point of view.  Teaching them how to let others go first. Teaching them to be better listeners and value the opinions of others. Teaching them to openly admit when they are wrong and make necessary apologies.

If your child lacks confidence, then you most likely do not need to spend a great deal of time teaching humility. Rather, you could begin to work on their positive self-talk.  You do not tolerate or accept excuses or down-trodden talk. You strongly challenge them to take action. If it leads to a win, you celebrate it. If it leads to a loss, you teach them how to learn from the failure.  

2. Teach your child to NEVER be a Victim! No matter what cards your child has been dealt, they will have their share of failure in their life. Teaching your child to come out as a victor rather than a victim is a lifelong tool that will serve your child well no matter who they are. Whether your child is an academic genius, or struggling to pass school, a potential pro-athlete, or sitting the bench, you can still teach them the value in never being a victim. We do this by teaching our kids to own or take responsibility for everything they do.  We do not tolerate excuses or blames.  No, it’s not the referee’s fault that you lost the game.  It may sound good at the time, but it completely removes responsibility from your child to get better.  Teaching your child to be a victor is one of the most empowering things that you can do. They will no longer have to wait for things to go their way.  They will begin to understand what it means to Make it a Great Day rather than Have a Great Day!

3. Teach your child the value of Self-Discipline. I remind my kids even when they don’t want to hear it; “I will discipline you until you can learn to discipline yourself!”  That is the key to why we discipline our children.  We really just need them to self-discipline. Again, no matter who your child is, research has proven time and time again, that a necessary trait for happiness and success in life is self-control. https://www.inc.com/rohini-venkatraman/science-says-self-control-is-a-key-success-factor-boost-yours-immediately-with-these-tips.html

Your kids will not like this parenting tactic, but you owe it to them to help them to practice the skill of self-control in their daily activities and decision making. Immediate gratification and self-control are on two opposite ends of the spectrum.  Help your child move toward the side of long term success and happiness - self control!

4. Teach your child about God and why he created them the way they are.  As your child grows up, they begin to have the ability to compare.  Yes, they compare how good they are, how bad they are, how tall they are, how smart they are, how athletic they are, how artistic they are, and the list goes on.  They soon realize that they are never going to be the best at everything. Someone will always be better! This is where we get into the self-esteem concerns. Self-esteem drops when a child believes there is something wrong with them.  Simply stated; they aren’t good enough!

Teach your child about their total uniqueness. They entered this world as a unique Child of God made in His image.  No one in the world is who they are. No one in the world has the exact combinations of talents, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses.  This combination has been hand selected by God. Teach them to stop wanting to change what God has created and embrace who He intended them to be.  Teach them to identify their strengths and then build them. Teach them to identify their weaknesses and how these weaknesses will help steer their path to serve out God’s intention for their life.  

Don’t fall into the trap of letting the world determine who your child should be.  Encourage them to be who God intended them to be. Like the old adage says, “God doesn’t make junk”!  

Never Enough

It was one of those days. I’m sure you’ve had them too. No matter what you said or did, it was never enough. That was me last Friday.  No school, no power, and three kids who were sick of being together but too cold to go outside. And yes, a mother who was ready for them to go back to school. PLEEEASE, Lord let them go back to school!!

NOPE! At 5:15 am on Friday morning, we got the call. Day TWO of no school, but praise God through the night our power had come back on. Thank you, Jesus at least we had power! Some of our family and friends around us were not as lucky which is why they had to call off school again. Let’s face it; an ice storm is not much fun to play in while you’re off school. Our three youngest still woke up super early and excited because it was Friday, and they had plans for the weekend. All three of them had been invited to spend the weekend with their former foster family. They were excited about celebrating the birthday of their former foster sister. She was turning 5. They could not wait to get there. They had their bags packed sitting by the door first thing in the morning, and then the wait began.

They figured if they were off, everyone should be off. They could start the festivities early. They had dreams of going over our friend’s house before lunch and playing with the birthday girl. They assumed they were getting picked up early and most definitely eating dinner with them, but that wasn’t our original plan. Most of us have this thing called “work”. It’s a really strange thing that adults do when children go to school. You’ve probably experienced it too.

I say all this to set the stage for the kind of day we had. It wasn’t pretty. Nothing I said or did was enough. Trust me, I would have been ecstatic if they would have gotten their wish and gotten to go over early. I had a list of things I was hoping to get done at work and at home before the weekend began, which left me in a pretty frustrated mood.

By the time, the kids left the house at 6pm, we had ALL had enough of each other. Merrill and I decided to go to the movies that night to blow off some steam. We talked the whole way down to Greendale Cinemas sharing our hearts and struggles with each other. Here we were leading a new ministry called Rock Solid Families, and at that moment we didn’t feel very Rock Solid. We were also preparing to tape our weekly radio show, Rock Solid Radio and felt totally unworthy to speak with any kind of authority or expertise. Satan was having a field day with both of us. He was in our heads having a field day.

In God’s divine timing, you won’t believe the movie we went to see that night.  It was Instant Family about a couple adopting three hard to place foster children. It was one I had wanted to see for a long time, but I had no idea how God would use it in that moment. We laughed. I cried. (I think Merrill did too but I can’t confirm. It was dark.) That has been our story...every stinking scene we could relate to. We drove home that night shocked at how real that movie was and how relatable it was to our story.

When we got home, we got ready for bed. Merrill and I laid in bed and prayed together as we do every night. We prayed for each other, we prayed for all five of our children, our daughter in laws, our two grand babies, our ministry, the families we work with, and then the tears started to flow for me. In that moment, I cried out to the Lord and asked for his forgiveness. I asked him to help me in my weakness as a wife and mom. I asked for his forgiveness for my struggles that day with the kids. We both finished praying and kissed each other good night.

As I laid there still beating myself up over my day, I heard God speak to me. No, I didn’t hear his audible voice, but I did hear him very clearly speak into my spirit that night. I heard the Lord say….”Linda, you’re not ROCK SOLID, I am!” “You were never meant to be. That’s my job, not yours!” If you try to do it on your own….you’ll never be enough.  I can not tell you how those words from the Lord ministered to my heart that Friday night. I went to sleep that night with such a peace, not because I was good enough, but because He was!

Maybe you need to hear those words from the Lord too. Folks, we will NEVER be enough! That’s not His design for us to be on our own. He’s the Rock-not us!  Check out the scripture we had up in our Rock Solid Families fitness room that very same week. This was what the Lord said to the apostle Paul as he battled those same insecure thoughts and what He’s saying to you and I today…. ““My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.(2 Cor. 12:9-10 NLT)

We’re going to be talking more about the subject of NEVER ENOUGH on our Rock Solid Radio show on Sunday, December 16 from 7:30-8:00 pm on Eagle Country 99.3 FM. We’d love for you to tune in and even join in on the conversation. Remember He’s the Rock-not us! He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:2)

To Listen to that Episode of Rock Solid Radio from December 16, Click HERE

Teaching Kids to Communicate

You’ve all seen it and maybe even participated in it. A family sitting at the dinner table; several children and parents intensely communicating, but not with each other.  Instead they are all communicating with a digital screen! You’ll see them smiling, frowning, staring-all at a device instead of those around the table with them. This has become so commonplace that we don’t question it anymore. For many, it has become a cultural norm.  

In my blog today, I’m not going to bash the digital age we are living in.  Instead, I want to focus on what we, especially our children, know about how to communicate.  Communication is a necessity of life. The forms of communication we use seem straight forward, but are they?  

The forms and their frequency are the things that are changing.  Face to face communication where you see someone’s face and body is actually becoming less and less frequent. The need for us to meet someone in person to perform a particular task has greatly diminished. We don’t have to visit a store to shop, or go to a school to be taught. We don’t have to go to church to hear the preacher’s message or even attend the sporting event to see the event. We are now able to experience these things in our house and never even interact with a single person face to face.  Let’s be honest, we love the convenience and comfort that this provides us, but at what expense?

Over the years, researchers have made claims that over 90% of our communication is nonverbal; facial expression, body language, voice tone, etc… These numbers seem pretty extreme and in fact more recent research suggest that the difference between nonverbal and verbal communication percentages are more influenced by the situation.  Listening to a book on audio is certainly much more verbally effective than nonverbal, but having a face to face disagreement can be significantly more nonverbal. With that being said, researchers agree that nonverbal communication is significant, and often much more important than the words we use.

So, how are you teaching your children to communicate?  If the primary communication they use is looking at a digital screen and reading words, they likely are missing a huge portion of the message.  This is why we frequently see messages getting misinterpreted or misunderstood. “No, I didn’t mean that, I was just joking around.”

I encourage you to be intentional about teaching your children how to communicate.  When I teach lessons on communication to young students the first thing I teach is to know your audience.   Yes, before you say a word, you should know who you are talking to. Age, gender, energy level, mood, interest level, etc… We have all had great teachers and not so great teachers.  One of the primary skills that I quickly identify in a great teacher is their ability to read their audience prior and while teaching. A great teacher does a quick inventory on the audience and looks for the general mood, attention, interest, and energy of the crowd.  If the audience is reflecting positive attention and interest, then as the teacher, you quickly seize the opportunity and teach with the same energy. If you notice tired or somber faces and you ignore that message, there is a big chance that you are quickly going to lose your audience and before you know it, you will be preaching to the walls.  

Great teachers know their material, but make rapid adjustments to keep their audience engaged.  Reading body language, voice tones, and facial expressions, is part skill and part intuition. Some teachers just seem to be naturals, while others need to be trained and practiced in these skills.  Here’s the good news, these are skills that can be learned, practiced, and significantly improved.

How do you teach your children to read their audience and be effective communicators?  As mentioned earlier, some of them will be naturals, but all can benefit from learning and practicing three simple techniques.

1. Audience Check. Teach your child to observe and read their teachers and others every day.  Each day when your child walks into the classroom, one of the first things they should do is take notice of the people they encounter, especially their teacher.  Is the teacher appearing to be happy, sad, tired, irritated, etc… If your child walks into the classroom and stares at the ground, they likely will miss one of the most important messages necessary to start their day off right.

2. Greet and Check. Teach them to initiate the first greeting.  As soon as they walk in the classroom and take notice of the people, they follow up with a simple greeting.  “Hi Mrs. Smith!”, or better yet, “Hi Mrs. Smith, how are you today?”  Wow!   Guess what is about to happen?  Because the child took an interest in the teacher, the teacher is going to respond not just with a verbal word, but a mood, and an energy through her nonverbal clues.  More importantly, most of the time the teacher will return the interest.  I’m doing great this morning! How are you doing?”   This is so important!  Now, not only does your child have basic information about the teacher, but the teacher now gathers information about the student.  If this is done on a daily basis, it will not be long before the teacher and student have a greater depth to their understanding and interaction with each other.  

3. Clarity Check. Teach them the skill of seeking clarity of the message.  When they hear, see, and recognize the teacher’s message, test understanding. For example:  

Student: Hi Mrs. Smith! How are you?”

Mrs. Smith: In a low and quiet voice - “I’m okay.”

Clarity Check-

Student: “Mrs. Smith, you seem a little tired today”. Is everything okay?”

WOW!  Now the student is not just engaging, but seeking to gain greater understanding. This shows the student investing and taking an interest in the teacher. The teacher will typically seek to clarify the message, and consciously or subconsciously, they will feel a greater interest and empathy for this student. Practice these same skills on a daily basis in your house.  Every day have your child practice checking in with you when they walk in the door.  Have them notice, greet, and clarify understanding of the people in the house, especially their parents.   

Effective communication and interaction with others is a lifelong skill that your child will use every day of their life. This is tremendously powerful in teaching your child to invest in the interest of others, rather than just themselves.  Next time you think about giving your child their tablet when they walk in the house, stop and spend some time teaching them to be Masters of Communication not Disasters of Communication!

Parenting After Divorce

Nobody goes into a marriage with the intention of divorcing.  Most couples get married with the intention of being with their spouse for a lifetime.  Kids, houses, cars, pets, everything they bring into the relationship is usually done thinking “together forever”.  But...life often takes turns they did not intend. Marriages begin to develop small cracks that often lead to full-blown fractures or in other words…divorce.  

Today’s blog is not about how to prevent the divorce.  We have spoken many times on that topic and will continue to do so.  That is energy well spent and should be at the forefront of our efforts.  With that being said, however, we do want to help couples successfully manage their families after a divorce has occurred.  In particular, I’m going to discuss parenting after the divorce. Below is a common description of what I have witnessed and experienced in my work as a school counselor over the past 20 years.

After differences become “irreconcilable”, couples are often stirred with emotions such as: pain, hurt, anger, jealousy, anxiety, and depression.  The idea of working with the person that they once said, “till death do us part”, brings up a well of nausea. Words like hate, stupid, jerk, selfish, along with a cast of other words unfit to put in print start to get thrown back and forth to each other.  Sometimes, it even feels good to use such derogatory words to describe their ex-spouse. Then reality hits… “Ugh, we have three children together. I have to deal with this idiot for the next 18 years! OMG!”

This is a serious crossroads in determining how well a family is going to fare through this difficult time.  When a divorced spouse responds out of those charged emotions, they often feel justified to speak negativity toward their ex-spouse.  But at what expense? This is what I have seen in my 20 years working with families. Couples who parent out of hurt and emotion are setting their children up for trouble. Parenting out of emotion often creates immediate turmoil in the family and long term issues for the child.

Initially, children are hurt and confused by the attitude and approach divorced parents take toward one another. They are saddened by any critical words and quickly start to resent one or both parents if the criticism continues or festers.  As they grow, children become desensitized to the critical speech and even begin to use it to their benefit. They begin to harden to the divorce, and approach life as a more self-centered survivor. They may even say or think things like, “I can’t worry about making them happy. I can only make myself happy.”  At that point, they begin to approach their relationship with both parents as a way to take care of their needs and desires. They stop worrying or caring about anyone else but themselves.

Children of divorce can become masters at manipulation as they try to adapt to their new normal.  They begin to work the parents against each other to meet their own needs. They make comments like, “I wished I lived with dad!”  “Mom doesn’t make us do this.” “You’re mean, you’re always on my case.” Often times, this creates a tension where the child may even demand to leave one parent and go live with the other.  If left unchecked, parents may find themselves with very confused, selfish, and disruptive children who sabotage every environment they enter. In many cases, these children struggle with coping skills and begin to demonstrate these destructive behaviors in a multitude of settings: school, home, teams, etc.  As children of divorce grow into adulthood, we often see them take these same unhealthy patterns into their careers and future relationships. They sabotage them with the same destructive behaviors, and the cycle continues.

How do we stop the insanity?  First, let me state up front, divorce is typically not good and frequently involves a great deal of hurt in all directions.  Husbands and wives should do everything possible to avoid divorce by working towards reconciliation and healing of the marriage.  

However, if someone has already found themselves in a divorce situation, here are some essentials to successfully parenting children to become well-adjusted and healthy adults.   

1. Time needs to be equally split between both parents.  Many divorces place the children with one parent a majority of the time while the other receives visits and weekend sleepovers.  This may be convenient, but research has proven it to be detrimental to children and even parents. https://www.statnews.com/2017/05/26/divorce-shared-parenting-children-health/

2. Put feelings aside and focus on raising the children.  I know this is easier said than done when emotions are charged and there has been lots of hurt and betrayal.  But, if parents want to start healing and provide the best parenting possible for their children, they have to dig deep and swallow their pride. They must put aside the hurt feelings and start cooperating with the other parent.  

3. This is not about you.  It is about your children! Just as a couple would discuss how to handle various situations concerning their children if they were married, a divorce couple needs to work hard to have these same discussions after divorce.  

4. Privately set ground rules ahead of time. Maybe there are certain topics that need to be off limits due to past issues, but both parents must agree that the welfare of the child is a top priority.  Divorce parents need to set up healthy boundaries for conversations. They will need to keep focused on what is best for the child and keep the other junk off the table.

5. Never talk bad about your “X” around the children.  This is often a selfish way divorced parents try to manipulate the child to see their point of view and jump on their side.  When parents use negative talk to manipulate, they soon find the child mimicking it as well. This will eventually come back to hurt the entire family especially the child. Divorced parents need to stay respectable and civil toward each other regardless of how much they have been hurt.

6. Reinforce what each parent stands for or enforces in their home.  Even if they don’t completely agree, a divorced parent should never undermine the authority and rules of the other parent. Parents will be doing their children a huge favor if things like curfew, privileges, chores, etc are agreed upon and enforced regardless of what house they are in. If parents work hard to find common rules, the child may not like it but they will feel safe and secure no matter what home they are in.

Parenting after divorce is the ultimate lesson in civility. I have seen amazing outcomes when parents make the choice to drop their selfish ways and do what is best for the children.  Doing this creates a multi-generational payoff. Not doing this leads to a multi-generational debt.

These guidelines are so important to the future of the family. If you or someone you know needs help with this process, please contact Rock Solid Families at 812-576-ROCK, or visit our website at rocksolidfamiles.org. We’d love to help!

My Top Ten List for Discipline

In my last blog, When Did Discipline Become a Dirty Word?, I promised my top ten list of discipline principles we have used when working with families over the past 30 years. We know these principles work, and we are intentional about applying them in our own home. Yes, they are very common sense, but I think as parents we have made this discipline thing too complicated. Keep it simple. Trust me; my wife and I blow it on a regular basis.  But when things get tough in our home, it’s usually because we are not following one of these ten principles. So here’s our Top Ten:

Top Ten List of Discipline Practices:

1. Be An Authoritative Parent Not An Authoritarian One -Did you even know there was a difference?  Authoritative parenting simply means your children know who’s in charge and they trust and respect your leadership.  The authoritative parent demonstrates what the family values through a consistent example. Authoritative parents model things like hard work, strong academics, faith, manners, respect, honesty, integrity, etc. You determine your home’s environment, educate, and then reinforce those values in your children. Think of yourself as the captain of the team.  The captain leads, and the team follows because they trust the captain. There is peace and order in the home, because the kids know mom and dad have a plan and know how to carry it out. Many parents confuse this with being an authoritarian where there is super high expectation and little freedom and communication. That’s not what we are talking about. That’s more like being a dictator. Remember... Rules without relationship equal rebellion.  

2. Model and Teach Them To Serve Others- You may already be shaking your head because as good as that sounds on paper, your children are still not following your lead. Hang with me. Children come into this world as selfish beings. This selfishness usually begins to rear its ugly head between the ages of 2-3 years old, which is why they call it the “Terrible Twos”  If our kids have any chance at all at being well adjusted, successful adults, they must learn how to serve others. When children learn to serve and help others, they learn to live for something bigger than themselves, whether it be their family, team, community, business, etc. When they don’t learn to be good servants, they become selfish individuals that range from being annoying to being dangerous and self-destructive.

3. Model and Teach Good Character -Often, we think of good character as just having good manners, but it goes far beyond manners.  Good character includes: honesty, trust, integrity, work ethic, responsibility, self-control, and resourcefulness just to name a few.  Yes, parents should expect these attributes to be enforced at school, but first and foremost, they start in the home. This is best done by modeling it to your children, and then expecting it from them in return.

4. Model And Teach Respect and Obedience for Authority - Respect for authority is essential in in developing your child’s gifts, talents, skills, and aptitude. If your child is left to think they are in charge and know what’s best, they will fall short of all God has planned for their life. Adults like teachers, coaches, mentors, pastors, police, firemen, etc. have a tremendous opportunity to influence and help our children grow to their fullest potential.  That’s only if the child is raised to honor, listen, and learn. The fastest way to lose this positive influence and growth opportunity in your child is for YOU to argue with the authority figures in your child’s life. Disagreeing with teachers, coaches, referees, police, etc. only shows your child disrespect for authority. This is not to say authority figures don’t make mistakes, but it’s still important to always treat them with respect and the benefit of the doubt.

5. Set Reasonable And Clear Expectations -As a parent, it’s important to let your children know what you expect up front.  At the age of two or so, you can begin to let your child know what you expect in your home.  Whether it’s to say “please and thank you” or to return a toy back to its proper place. These are things that you must make clear.  Otherwise, you will find yourself frustrated when your child doesn’t behave like you think they should. You often will take it as misbehaving, when in fact, you simply have made your expectations clear.

6. Enforce And Follow Up on Expectations -So often I am asked, what is the best technique for discipline. Is it rewards, spankings, timeouts, remove privileges, chores, etc? Let me be clear, it is not about the technique or consequence you use.  The best form of discipline is the one that is effective, safe, and implemented consistently in an age-appropriate way. I have seen positive rewards work and fail. I have seen spankings work and fail. I have seen raising your voice work and fail.  My point is this; come to an agreement with your partner on what you are going to enforce. Let your child know what your expectations are, and then enforce those expectations using an effective, safe, and age-appropriate discipline. Most parents believe they are disciplining their child when they are yelling all the time, or telling their child to do something over and over again.  If you have to constantly yell or repeat yourself multiple times, you are not using an effective approach to discipline. You may have to change a consequence depending on it’s effectiveness, but your values and expectations should be consistent. Believe it or not, those consistent values and expectations are what gives your child emotional peace and security. Even when they don’t like the consequences.

7. Talk Less; Act More -We can all fall guilty with this.  I can’t tell you how many times I have sat in my office with a student and talked way too much about how to solve a problem.  The student would nod as if he understood what I was saying, and I would think “yes, he’s getting it”! Only to have the student walk out of my office and commit the same offense 20 minutes later.  Ugh! Bottom line - talk is cheap when it comes to discipline.  Lay out your expectations, let the child know what the consequences will be, both good and bad, and then carry them out!  If you are telling your child five times to pick up their shoes with no consequences, then you are sending a loud message that you really don’t mean what you say.  Mean what you say and say what you mean. Your expectation should be- when I ask you to do something I mean it! Yes, they may not do it the first time, but make sure they experience a consequence if they don’t. This creates a clear expectation, which creates predictability and ultimately results in security for the child.

8. Follow Up with Love and Encouragement- So often when discipline is taking place, emotions are usually running high. There is often a storm brewing inside the mind of the child, and quite often, inside the mind of the parent.  There is anger, fear, anxiety, frustration- you name it. Humans have a difficult time using both the emotional side and the logical side of the brain at the same time. For this reason, when the parent is disciplining, he or she needs to refrain from using too many words.  I have been guilty of thinking that the more I talk and explain myself, the more they will understand. WRONG! When the child’s brain is emotionally charged, they are hearing very little of what you are saying. They are just thinking, “oh no, what’s going to happen next?”.  So, be of few words, say what needs to be said, then allow a time for emotions to settle. This may be 30 - 60 minutes. Once you have seen the emotions calm, then it is essential for you to follow up with your child. This is when you briefly recap what the discipline was for, and what your expectations will be in the future. This is when you let your child know that you were upset with a specific behavior, but your love for them is unwavering. Once this conversation is finished, do not continue to rehash or throw it back into their face. Let it go and move on! 

9. Encourage And Praise Often - You are your child’s number one fan! You are their first mentor, provider, and encourager. Most every word that comes out of your mouth carries incredible influence in the life of your child.  More than buying gifts and material rewards, your child thrives on your honest praise and encouragement.  I say honest, because false praise and encouragement can be more detrimental than good. Don’t falsely inflate your child’s self-concept.  Yes, they need to be effectively corrected and told when they have done something wrong and ways to improve. Please refrain from giving gifts and rewards for expected behaviors.  Your words are so valuable, they mean so much more in the long run than any gift you could give. Make sure to encourage the things you value like their effort, attitude, or sportsmanship.  

10. Never Argue With Your Child -Yes, I said NEVER.  When you argue with your child, you send the message that they have the ability to change who you are as the parent and what you stand for.  If they feel like they won you over once, you can guarantee they will push back over and over again. Think back for a moment, would you ever even imagined arguing with your parents?  As a kid, I was frequently annoyed and upset with my parents, but the idea of arguing with them, especially as a young child, never crossed my mind. I clearly understood they were in charge, and I lived in THEIR house.  As a parent, don’t argue or negotiate with your child, until you can trust their value system. Once you trust that they are operating with a similar set of values, then you can allow more back and forth conversation and let them weigh in on different decisions.   

In the end, your child needs you to be their leader and encourager.  They need to learn from your example. More is caught than ever taught. This top ten list is what we use in our home to develop mental, physical, social, and emotional tools in our children. Research has shown these tools to be essential in growing to be a well-adjusted successful adult.  So set the values, goals, and expectations you want for your family, model them in your home, and don’t look back. Our kids are counting on us!

When Did Discipline Become a Dirty Word?

God has such a sense of humor.  When Linda and I adopted our three younger kids, we knew we would be jumping back into the world of disciplining children all over again.  What we didn’t realize was how much God was going to teach and discipline us. Trust me; I’m no different than the kids. I hate being disciplined.

Parenting and discipline have taken some crazy turns the past 30 years.  Over three decades ago, theories on parenting and discipline began to change.  Phrases like: “Treat your child like an adult.” Negotiate with your child.” “Don’t scold your child, or it will cause them permanent damage.” “It’s best to raise your child in a child-centered home.”  “Your child’s self-esteem is based on how awesome you tell them they are...everyday!” And yes, the now infamous one-”every child deserves a trophy!”

After 30 plus years of this parenting approach, we are now seeing the byproduct - many entitled, self centered men, women, and children.  It’s the “Me first. I deserve better. All things must be fair and equal.” trap. This approach to life and to parenting only creates victims and entitled individuals, but I think there is hope on the horizon. I believe the tide is starting to change in our homes.

Parents are slowly realizing that the above approach didn’t work.  Many parents are returning to a more common sense, biblical approach to parenting and discipline. Experts are calling this new approach-Growth Mindset. What exactly is Growth Mindset you may be asking?  To keep it simple, Growth Mindset is about letting your child struggle and problem-solve. It’s about delaying gratification and ultimately helping your child understand-life is not always fair and easy. It’s about encouraging and disciplining your child to never be a victim, but rather, be a person who learns from both the good and bad in their life. It’s about not “saving” your child from life’s difficulties or inflating them to be something they’re not. Growth Mindset is about strengthening your child through trials, experiences, losses, and wins. It’s about teaching your child the value of self-control, hard-work, and integrity.

 As much as we hate to admit it, discipline is the foundation of self-control.  Good character, self-control, and working through failure as a child have proven to be the most solid indicators of a well-adjusted, successful adult. As I frequently remind my kids, “I discipline you now, so that hopefully, you will learn to self-discipline later.”  None of this is really new. In fact, it’s biblical. For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11. The apostle, Paul, and the writer of Hebrews knew how important discipline was back then and how important it would be to us today.

Like most things in my life, I like to keep things simple.  My simple mind and approach to life is what gives me peace, and I want our home to be a “house of peace”. Of course, we have our crazy days like any family does, but our home runs so much smoother if the tension is out and peace is in. Next week, I’ll be sharing my top ten list of things we as parents can do to bring peace into our homes and give our children the discipline and structure they need. Don’t miss it.