Rebuilding Trust

As a teacher and coach, I loved challenging my students’ fears and insecurities with the famous trust fall. Pairing up classmates or teammates, I would have them face each other, cross arms and lock hands with their partner standing across from them. All while one scared teenager stood high on a ladder with their back to the group ready to fall into their arms.  It was so cool watching student after student face their fears and take that leap of faith falling safely into the arms of their peers. But what happens when your teammate drops you? How do you rebuild trust and ever take that risk again? 

What if We Get Dropped?
Rebuilding trust is a HUGE issue in our world today.  If we’re being honest, probably all of us have been hurt by someone before who broke our trust. Then how do we rebuild trust after someone has betrayed us or let us fall? Whether it be a spouse, child, parent, friend, coworker or boss, can we ever truly forgive someone who has literally or figuratively “dropped” us? And does forgiveness always mean we should trust them again? 

Every day, people walk into our doors at Rock Solid Families feeling angry and wounded because someone broke their trust. Some have been so hurt by the offense and have no idea where to begin. They want to experience peace and joy again, but instead feel chained by bitterness and unforgiveness. 

Forgiveness vs. Trust
Ideally, a relationship is restored when both partners forgive each other and themselves and trust again, but that’s easier said than done. At Rock Solid Families, one thing that has helped individuals and relationships heal is separating the decision to forgive from the concept of trust. 

You’ve probably heard the old adage about what happens to US, the offended, when we chose NOT to forgive our offender. “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison ourselves and waiting for the other person to die.” Bitterness and anger begin to grow when we harbor those negative feelings of unforgiveness. It eats US up from the inside out. 

Forgiveness is a decision we can make regardless of whether the person who hurt us is sorry for what they did or does anything to make amends. Forgiveness takes the control away from our offender and puts the power solely in our own hands. It is a decision that can set US free and bring US peace regardless, if the relationship is restored or not. 

Trust is a Two Way Street
Trust, on the other hand, is a two way street. Trust says I not only forgive you for dropping me, but I’m willing to try it again. Some would say that’s insane, but for others, the relationship is worth the risk. Maybe it's trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity. Maybe, it’s with an adult child after they’ve been caught in addiction.  In order for the relationship to be restored in a healthy way, rebuilding trust is an essential next step. It isn’t easy and doesn’t happen overnight, but restoring trust is possible and can even make the relationship better and stronger if done right. 

Steps for the Offender to Rebuild Trust
Step One-Take Responsibility for the hurt you caused and admit your wrongs- This first step is so hard for the offender, because pride gets in the way. No one likes to admit they were wrong; let alone take responsibility for hurting someone else. 

Step Two-Be Patient with the Offended-If you have hurt someone, rebuilding trust is going to take time and as the offender, you don’t get to decide how long. The greater the offense, the longer it takes to rebuild trust.  

Step Three – Mean What you Say; Say what you mean. Make sure people can count on your word even with the little things. Don’t be surprised if it takes time for those around you to trust your word again. You’re the one who broke trust.

Step Four – Be Honest and Transparent. If you want to rebuild trust, you have to show the person you offended that you have nothing to hide. That may mean sharing passwords and your whereabouts and not getting defensive or angry when someone asks.

Step Five– Confess Promptly. No one’s perfect, so when you do mess up make sure you own it BEFORE you’re caught in it. As the Scottish novelist, George MacDonald once said, “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved”

Steps for the Offended in Trusting Again
Step One-Remember, no one is perfect including you, but also never forget God doesn’t make junk. Your worth and value come from a God who loves you and created you in His image not from anyone or anything. Search your heart and make sure you are not trying to hold your offender hostage through your unforgiveness. Remember, unforgiveness only hurts YOU. 

Step Two-Surround yourself with healthy, safe people. Seek wise counsel to help you work through the forgiveness process. Find someone neutral like a counselor or pastor who will help you sort out truth from lies.Get professional help if you have relationship wounds that are not healing right. 

Step Three-Step back and let the emotions settle before you make any decisions. Let your words be few. You don’t want to say or do something you will later regret. Don’t stoop to the level of your offender and seek revenge. Keep your character and integrity high. 

Step Four-Protect yourself from any kind of physical, emotional, or spiritual abuse. Forgiveness does not mean you become a martyr or victim. Trust may not be possible in the relationship if the offender does not own their mistakes and take the steps to rebuild trust.

Step Five-Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes two people and takes time. Be patient with yourself and learn to trust again.  Search your heart for any hurt or wrong you have caused in the relationship and own your part whenever possible. Extend grace to the offender if there is real effort being made to restore trust. As long as you’re breathing, there will always be a chance of getting hurt, so learn these skills of forgiveness and rebuilding trust now. It’s worth the effort. 

Emotional Healing is Possible
Don’t stay trapped or paralyzed by old memories or past hurts. Emotional healing is possible! We all need healthy people in our lives. We were not made to do life alone. Healthy relationships are worth fighting for.  When you can think back on the offense and not feel wounded anymore, you’re well on your way to true healing and lasting peace. 

Running Free-Chase's Story

Two year old, Chase Brayton, got his name honestly. Anyone who knew Chase would say-he never stopped. He loved swimming in his backyard pool and running around the house naked as a jay bird. Chase loved having mommy, daddy, grandma, big sissy, Kenzie...anyone chase after him trying to put his clothes back on. He kept everyone hopping and laughing, which is why the house seems so eerily quiet these days.

It's been over a month now since Luke and Lauren tragically lost their 2 yr old son to a drowning accident in their backyard pool. Our hearts and prayers go out to the Brayton family in the loss of little Chase. There's no way anyone could prepare you for that gut wrenching experience especially as a parent. As Luke, Lauren, and big sissy, Kenzie began to grieve the death of Chase, they knew one thing for sure...they couldn't carry this burden alone.

Which is why two days after the accident, Luke and Lauren reached out to Rock Solid Families. They knew they couldn't weather this devastating storm on their own, and God has been with them every step of the way. Even during our very first meeting together, God was letting this young couple know-you are not alone. As we sat inside our St. Leon office talking about their incredible loss and God's eternal promises, a summer rain rolled in. As we finished up our session together and Luke and Lauren drove away that night, the rain had stopped and a beautiful double rainbow had appeared. It was as if God was reminding them right there in the midst of their pain, I am with you! In the past month, they have been overwhelmed by the love and support of family, friends, and total strangers. They have started attending church regularly together for the first time and finding love and encouragement from the Lord and His people.

What happened to Chase Brayton on July 2, 2020 is tragic and heartbreaking, but what God has done since has been nothing short of healing and redemptive for the Brayton family. That's the way God works when we put our trust in Him. Will there still be more tough days and months ahead? Absolutely, but Luke and Lauren are beginning to trust in God’s promises. He promises to bring beauty from ashes. He promises to bind up the brokenhearted. Listen to the way Isaiah writes it in Isaiah 61: 1-4:

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and
release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Luke and Lauren continue to mourn the loss of their precious little one, but they do not grieve like those who have no hope. They trust in God's promise that they will see Chase again...probably running free waiting for someone to chase him.

The Greatest Investment You Could Ever Make

There are not many folks who have lived in Bright, Indiana for any length of time that have not personally met or heard of the name, Jesse Smith. Jesse was just one of those special people you never forget. He was such a loving and faithful man of God who took a chance on this girl and hired her for full time ministry over 20 years ago. He was my elder, mentor and friend and at the age of 91 received his eternal reward on January 17, 2020.  As I looked around the room before Jesse’s funeral at Bright Christian Church where he worshipped for over 82 years, I couldn’t help but think about the legacy he left behind. There was a massive crowd of family and friends there to celebrate a life well-lived. Jesse Smith understood this counter cultural way of living that I want to propose to you today. In God’s eyes, he was a very rich man!

Let’s face it, there are so many things in life that compete for your time, attention, and resources. In this 24/7 digital age, you can be bombarded from all sides and quickly overwhelmed. Whether it’s your phone that’s vibrating in your pocket day and night to the constant feed of fake news on social media. It becomes harder and harder to filter out the good from the bad. For many, all these things become just “noise”. We see individuals, couples, and families every week in our Rock Solid Families office that are having a hard time navigating through it all and discerning what is worth their time and attention and what is not. Many folks become overwhelmed, shut down and even turn on each other due to the stress of all the “noise”.

So where do YOU spend your valuable resources?  The world today would say financial investments are the most important ones you can make, but the reality is they are the least. Could I suggest that the best investment of your time, talents, and treasures are NOT Facebook or your 401K? So what is the “best bang for your buck” when it comes to your time, energy, and resources? I believe it’s relationships! I think my mentor and friend, Jesse Smith, would agree with me when I say the best bang for your buck is first an eternal investment. Jesus Christ needs to come first, then your spouse, then family, then others. Jesse and his wife, Jeanie, had been married 72 years when he passed this past January. When you looked around the room at his funeral and the crowd of family and friends from all over the country and of all ages, no doubt, Jesse Smith was a rich man!

In this digital world we live in today, we have lost that investment of human connection. Families are disconnecting, marriages are crumbling, friendships are starving, and our personal mental health is suffering. Suicide is now the second leading cause of death for those between the age of 10-24. Why? This should be the prime of their life? Research is clear. In an age where we seem so “connected”, we are feeling more disconnected and isolated than ever. At Jesse’s funeral, people got up and spoke about his strong handshake and loving hugs and fistbumps. They talked about the 1000 love notes he would write to his church family every February during “love month”. They talked about his steadfast faith in Jesus Christ. Jesse understood that the key to a happy, rich life was investing in relationships both with the Lord and with others. 

So what can we do TODAY to help build a healthier tomorrow for ourselves and our family? Our community? Or world?  There are some simple things we all can do that don’t require a lot of money or any special talents. 

LOOK UP. Turn off your phone in the waiting room or in line and look around you. Who is sitting alone? Who looks like they could use a smile or a kind word? It doesn’t take much time but that could make a huge difference in someone’s life. You never know what they are going through and how your smile and a kind word could make a difference. Often it’s someone in your own home who is craving this face to face connection with you. Maybe it’s your son who wants you to put down the phone and shoot hoops with him. Maybe it's your mom who would love for you to take the air pods out of your ears and ask about her day. Look up and look around. 

SLOW DOWN. When is the last time you stepped away from your desk and went to lunch with your coworkers? How about the last time you called an old friend and checked in on them? Could you slow down long enough to open the door for someone or let someone go ahead of you in grocery line? So many people, including myself at times, use the word “BUSY” as a badge of honor. You know what I’m talking about…”Linda, I can’t slow down and do those things. I am soooo BUSY!” It’s time we slow down and take our “busy badges” off. As a family, we have overscheduled our kids and ourselves so tightly, we don’t even have the time to sit down at the kitchen table and share a meal. We’re missing out on the greatest time of the day to connect as a family. Make it a rule that there are NO phones or other screens at the table. I’m sure all of us have seen families out at a restaurant with everyone looking down at their phone or at a TV screen on a wall. Why bother even eating together? Spend that time engaging and reconnecting. Ask about each other’s day. What were the highs? What were the lows?

 REACH OUT.  How about sending an old fashioned birthday card to a family member or a sympathy card to a neighbor who just lost their spouse? You know those things you put stamps on and put in the mail. If you’re married, spend at least 15 minutes every day in face to face dialogue. If you have little ones, it’s important that your kids know how important this “mom and dad time” is.  Take that initiative to reconnect and recalibrate your relationship. Help your spouse feel like the most important person in your world. Both the dinner table and couple dialogue are tools you can use to read the temperature of your family and your marriage. In today’s digital age we are losing those skills. We’re too busy with our heads down in a screen. We’ve lost that human connection. 

INVEST IN. Who is God calling you to invest in? Want to know what I believe is the greatest investment of time and energy you could ever make? Want to know what will give you an EXPONENTIAL return on your investment? Investing in the life of a child. Before you give me your excuse as to why you can’t...let me clarify. Everyone, regardless of how old you are or how much time or money you have, can do SOMETHING. We are all called to do SOMETHING.  When we adopted our three youngest four years ago, my husband and I were so thankful for the many other men and women God placed in their life to encourage them and help them grow. It has been amazing to watch the connections they have made with their new aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, coaches, teachers, youth group leaders, neighbors, you name it. God has used each one of them to pour into their lives. 

So look around you? Who could YOU reach out to and invest in today? Is it another adult or maybe a child? Did you know there are over 9,000 children just in Indiana alone that are currently in foster care with many of those waiting for a forever home? Maybe foster care or adoption isn’t for you. What about giving a few hours a week as a Big Brother or Sister? There are hundreds of kids in the Greater Cincinnati waiting to be matched with a mentor. Maybe you could be the voice for a child in need and serve as a local Child Advocate. What about loving on babies in your church’s nursery or volunteering to coach a neighborhood t-ball team? 

In their 72 years of marriage, Jesse and Jeanie Smith mentored and encouraged thousands of others by investing in people using their time, talents, and treasures. That’s why at the age of 91, Bright Christian Church was packed with four generations of family and friends there to honor Jesse Smith and celebrate a life well lived.  Jesse understood the secret to a happy, full life. He knew that investing in things that are intangible and eternal like relationships may seem counter cultural to the world today, but they will definitely bring the greatest rewards. 

Help! Strong Dads Needed!

Have you ever seen someone stuck trying to solve a problem and from a distance you knew exactly what the solution to the problem was?  You think to yourself, “come on man, all you have to do is ...” The solution is crystal clear in your mind and it drives you crazy that the person you are watching can’t seem to see it.I didn’t say the solution would be an easy process;  I just said the solution is clear. This is where we get things messed up. We often want solutions to be obvious and easy.  The reality is that sometimes the solution is obvious, but the implementation is difficult.  

In this past year of running Rock Solid Families and the 20 years before that working as a school counselor, this is exactly how I feel about the many societal ills we face as a nation.  Whether we are talking about crime rates, homelessness, poverty, drug abuse, lack of civility, mass shootings, etc. The one common factor is broken families, and to drill a little deeper, lack of Strong Dads! The statistics are overwhelming! 

Poverty – Children living in female headed families with no spouse present had a poverty rate of 47.6 percent, over 4 times the rate in married-couple families. (Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Children’s Living Arrangements and Characteristics: March 2011, Table C8. Washington D.C.: 2011.)

Drug and Alcohol Abuse – Fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse.    (Source:U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

Education – 71% of high school dropouts are fatherless; fatherless children have more trouble academically, scoring poorly on tests of reading, mathematics, and thinking skills; children from father-absent homes are more likely to be truant from school, more likely to be excluded from school, more likely to leave school at age 16, and less likely to attain academic and professional qualifications in adulthood.      (Source: Edward Kruk, Ph.D., “The Vital Importance of Paternal Presence in Children’s Lives.” May 23, 2012.)

Crime -  A 1% increase in the proportion of single-parent families in a neighborhood is associated with a 3% increase in an adolescent’s level of violence.    (Source: Knoester, C., & Hayne, D.A. (2005). “Community context, social integration into family, and youth violence.” Journal of Marriage and Family 67, 767-780.)

Sexual Activity – Being raised by a single mother raises the risk of teen pregnancy, marrying with less than a high school degree, and forming a marriage where both partners have less than a high school degree.  (Source: Teachman, Jay D. “The Childhood Living Arrangements of Children and the Characteristics of Their Marriages.” Journal of Family Issues 25 (January 2004): 86-111.)

The solution is right in front of our faces.  In fact, if you are a man, you can look directly in the mirror and the solution will look right back at you. It is time to stop ignoring the “elephant in the room”, We need our dads to step up and do their job!  

 At Rock Solid Families, this is a primary area that we focus our efforts toward.  We are working hard to shine the light on the necessity for our men to step up and be the fathers they have been called to be.  Yes, the solution is easy, but the work is hard! Being a Strong Dad takes sacrifice, commitment, perseverance, and unwavering faith in the mission of fatherhood.  It means doing things that we don’t always want to do. It means giving time, money, effort, and our heart to something other than ourselves. 

 In an article written by David Peach, 11 Qualities of a Christian Father, David list 11 things that a father needs to be or do in order to positively impact their family and the generations to come:

1. Love God - living for your creator and recognizing that you didn’t create yourself, but were created with gifts for a purpose to serve

2. Love Others - demonstrate love through your willingness to sacrifice for others

3. Be a Mentor - understand your responsibility to coach, teach, and lead

4. Be Patient - learn to take a deep breath and step away

5. Be a Good Worker - show your family what a good work ethic is through your actions

6. Be Self Controlled - understand your emotions and keep them appropriate and healthy

7. Be Sober - avoid overuse of drugs and alcohol

8. Be Blameless - own your wrong doings

9. Be Worthy of Respect - your actions matter

10. Not a Lover of Money - understand the purpose and value of money 

11. Understand and Practice the Fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

How are you doing in these areas?  I know I struggle, but that struggle is with my selfish human nature and desires.  Understanding this is our first step to growing as a Strong Dad!

 If you are a father or plan to be one, I challenge you to take a good look at the men you have had in your life.  Emulate the ones that were positive and challenged you to be a great man. Learn from the ones that tore you down and make a promise to yourself and your family that you will not do this to your children. 

 If you have not been the father you know you need to be or are feeling convicted by this article, turn that conviction toward a positive change.  Start by making a commitment to your family. Make apologies and begin the healing and rebuilding process. Trust is a difficult thing to rebuild.  If you have not been trustworthy in the past, don’t expect that everyone will begin trusting you the minute you tell them you are a newly committed father.  Trust is developed by actions, not words. Show your family that you are the father and leader of your home. Be the man God called you to be and your family needs you to be.  Die to your selfish boyhood self and rise as the STRONG DAD positively impacting generations to come!  

 I challenge you to listen in to our weekly podcast called Strong Dads and follow us on this journey as iron sharpens iron. We don’t claim to have all the answers,but we trust in the One who does, Our Heavenly Father. You can listen to all our episodes by searching “Strong Dads” on Spotify, IHeart Radio, Apple Podcasts, or on our website rocksolidfamilies.org/podcasts.  If you or someone you know needs help or more information on how to be a Strong Dad, contact Rock Solid Families at 812-576-7625 or contact us through our website rocksolidfamilies.org.

What Does Your Family Stand For?

Remember the old song by John Mellencamp called “You’ve Got to Stand for Somethin’”?

If not, I encourage you to look it up. I know I’m showing my age, but good music is good no matter how old you are. Good lessons are good no matter how old as well. Mellencamp brings to light the importance of standing up for what we believe is important. I want to take this idea and apply it to families and parenting.  What do you as a parent stand for? What does your family stand for? Do your kids know what your family values? These questions are so incredibly important to ask as a parent but are often not even on a parent’s radar not to mention their kids. 

Why are these questions so important? For the same reason that Mellencamp gives in his song, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’re going to fall for anything.”That’s exactly what we are seeing all across our country today- people falling for anything! As a parent, this can be so costly for the family. It’s costly when the things we fall for are not healthy for our family or downright harmful. So if that’s the case, why are we falling for so many things we know can hurt us? At the risk of stepping on people’s toes, let’s face it, we are suckers for instant gratification. “If it feels good, do it!” “I deserve to be happy!” “It’s all about MY comfort!” Should I go on? What’s worse is that in this 24/7 digital age, marketing agencies and social media platforms understand exactly what appeals to our desires. The packaging is shiny and flashy. The bold print screams, “You Need Me”! “You deserve it”!

I’m as bad as anyone out there. I can rationalize nearly every decision I make. I make up excuses and then make deals with myself to soften the guilt. You know what I mean, you’re guilty just like me. We eat the chocolate cake but tell ourselves that we will run a couple of extra miles tomorrow to burn it off. That’s a bold-faced lie! So, how do I help myself and my family from being swept up by what feels good in the moment or the latest and greatest temptations? Let’s first ask ourselves some questions. What do you stand for and why? Is your decision to stand for something based on a solid foundation or is it based on feelings, opinions, fleshly desires? Are there alot of exceptions or gray areas? Is your stance easily persuaded to change? Do you sometimes describe yourself as a “go with the flow” kind of person?

Sure, there are many decisions in life that are not that important in the grand scheme of things: the color of your shoes, the genre of music you listen to, wheat or rye bread. Who cares, right, but there are plenty of things that do matter. Not only do they matter today, but they mattered yesterday and they will matter tomorrow. Do you stand for integrity? Doing the right thing, even when nobody’s watching. Do you stand for the golden rule? Treating others the way you want to be treated. Do you stand for unconditional love? Loving even when someone is acting unloveable. Do you stand behind your word where your yes means yes, and no means no? Do you stand behind your day’s work? An honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. Do you stand on the truth that we were all wonderfully and uniquely created by a loving God? “For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13 NIV) These are the unshakeable things to build your life and your home on.

At Rock Solid Families, my wife and I see day after day what happens when couples and families operate without a solid foundation. Doing what “feels” right in the moment or what would satisfy a more immediate desire does not always mean long term happiness or peace. It often comes at the cost of hurting others, breaking trust, losing integrity, breaking up families, and broken communities. As parents, we can not hide our family in a cave or protect our kids from every little challenge, but we can help build them to be strong in character. We can help develop in our children a foundation of strong morals and values for things that mattered yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

I challenge you to be more mindful in your home about taking a stand on the things that matter. I encourage you to stress these virtues on a daily basis with your kids. Don’t leave this matter to chance or public opinion. Just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t necessarily make it right. We have seen this and continue to see it every day in the world around us. Give your kids the courage and strength to stand strong and know why and what they are standing for. That doesn’t guarantee an easy life full of pleasure-seeking and fun. But it does help to ensure a person of principle that will positively impact generations to come. Remember, If you don’t stand for something, you’re going to fall for anything. Don’t let it be the fall of your family.