The Lies of Divorce

Whether you grew up with divorced parents, or you yourself experienced the pain of divorce as an adult; we understand divorce is a reality for many families today. But what if there was a better way? What if you could save you and your family from a lot of heartache? My goal in this article is not to judge or condemn anyone, but instead it is to speak truth into some common misconceptions surrounding divorce. This list is by no means exhaustive and I could write a book on each one, but my hope is to shine light on some of the lies that are destroying our families today.

Lie #1- “It’s Their Fault!”  It’s so easy to shift blame in our world today, but let’s be honest about this one. The faster we acknowledge that we bear some of the responsibility for our struggling marriage, the better. It’s time you and I stop being the victim and start taking responsibility for our own actions and reactions and commit to working on our own stuff.  It’s also important to call out who the real enemy is in a marriage under attack. I work with men and women all the time who have this intense hatred for their spouse or their parents for what happened to their family. I’m sure you’ve heard the old adage by now, “Unforgiveness is like YOU drinking poison and waiting for THEM to die”. No one ever goes into a marriage expecting to divorce, but it is the goal of Satan and he loves it if he can bind you in hate and unforgiveness. That’s why he’s called the “deceiver”.

Lie #2- “I Deserve to Be Happy!” Says WHO? If we followed this line of thinking, we could justify about any immature or selfish decision this side of the Rocky Mountains. We are living in a 24/7 instant gratification culture where our cravings can be satisfied in a second. I can shop online at Amazon and have it delivered same day to my door, while watching my favorite show on Netflix anytime I want after going to my favorite 24 hr Dunkin for a donut and big ice tea. Who am I kidding?  I can even have Door Dash do that now. I don’t even have to leave my house. You get my point. Stop believing the lie that it’s all about your happiness today. What if God’s plan is to use a difficult relationship in your life to grow or bless you in a way that you can’t even imagine or see right now? There could be something so much more for you and maybe even for your marriage on the other side of this storm if you lean in and look up instead of walking out. That’s the power of the Holy Spirit I’ve seen working in couples who have gotten help and committed to weathering the storm together.

Lie #3-“The kids are better off, if we get a divorce.” I hear it from wounded parents on a regular basis who feel like divorce is the best way to protect their children from the same pain. In many families, the kids are in the center of a war zone getting hit from both sides. They are often pawns used by parents to manipulate, coerce, or punish their spouse. Can I just tell you, the best gift you can give your child is to model how two broken people in a messed-up world find hope, healing, and unconditional love. Does it sound too pie in the sky for you? It is, if you’re trying to do it alone. But that’s where a really big God comes in. Before you sign those divorce papers or take your ex to court, take some time to get wise biblical counsel. Sit down with a trained Christian professional who can walk you and your spouse through the process of reconciliation and maybe even restoration.  

I realize there will be some who will read this who are in dangerous situations of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. In those cases, of course, you need to keep you and your kids safe and physically remove yourself from that environment. Take the time to seek professional help so that you know how to best help you and your children through this trauma. Don’t make any rash or big decisions in the heat of intense emotion. Nothing good comes out of that. 

Lie #4- “Another relationship will take the pain away.” I see struggling married couples all the time jumping out of one difficult relationship and right into another. Sometimes even before the papers are served or the ink has dried. Can I just be totally transparent with you? That’s a really BAD idea!! There’s no way to sugar coat the baggage you drag with you from the failed marriage right into your new relationship. The hurts, the insecurities, the triggers, the lies...you bring it ALL with you and there’s no amount of sweet words and pretty flowers that can heal those wounds for you quickly. As a matter of fact, experts tell us that divorced men and women should give themselves three years before entering into another serious relationship. Yep, that’s what the experts say...three years! Trust me, you will be glad you gave yourself that time to heal your heart right and deal with the junk in your own trunk!

Lie #5-“I know what you’re going through, I’ve been divorced.” The temptation to compare is never ending and exhausting. Whether it’s a chat with a friend or looking at someone’s pictures on Facebook, comparing your life with someone else’s is a trap with no winners. Every marriage is unique, and there is no one cookie cutter answer for every difficult relationship. I’m not going to pretend I have walked in your shoes, and I definitely don’t want to minimize the difficulty you are going through right now. But please don’t look around and compare your deepest struggles with someone else’s highlight real.  Lean in, look up, and trust in the promise that God has got a better plan for this storm you are in.

Don’t know how to lean in and look up? Contact us at rocksolidfamilies.org. We’d love to walk through this storm with you and help you get to the blessings and hope waiting for you on the other side!

Slow Fade in Marriage

I was shocked when one of my key volunteers called early on a Sunday morning crying, “Linda, we need help. Our marriage is in crisis. I don’t know what to do”. What? I must have heard her wrong. Doug and Lisa appeared to be this strong, Christian couple who had been married for 12 years with 5 healthy and happy children. No way! 

We scheduled an appointment that same week and began to slowly uncover what I see as one of the most silent but deadly killers of marriages today; it’s what I call -the SLOW FADE. 

Unfortunately, Doug and Lisa’s story is not an uncommon one, especially for young and busy families.  Lisa admits she had put kids and activities above her relationship with Doug. Doug, on the other hand, had slowly drifted away from his wife no longer feeling like a priority in his home. While feeling distant from his wife, Doug found someone at work who was willing to listen and give him the time and attention he was desperately craving. Young couples aren’t the only victims of the slow fade. I’ve seen it destroy just as many or more “seasoned” couples too with 20-30 years under their belt. This is why I believe the SLOW FADE is one of the greatest epidemics plaguing marriages today. 

In the 1960s, Charles Hummel published a little booklet called Tyranny of the Urgent, which quickly became a must read for many professionals.  In it, Hummel argues that there is a regular tension between things that appear urgent and things that are important—and far too often, the urgent wins. I see the same tension destroying homes and families today. We have allowed the urgent to slowly push out what’s really important for a healthy and strong life-things like faith, family and personal wellness. 

You go through the McDonald’s drive-thru day after day eating in your car on the way to appointments or kids events instead of eating healthy meals at home as a family.  Couples trade date nights for kids’ soccer tournaments week after week complaining about how they never have any time together. But then after a while, they stop complaining and give up even trying. That’s the slow fade we’re talking about.

Your spouse just walked in the door from work while you’re getting a call or text from a friend.  We have allowed the world to have 24 hour access to us through things like texts, calls, notifications all while the most important people in the room are feeling...well, not that important. 

Sometimes, what appears to be urgent is happening right in our own home. Let’s face it, kids can make anything look like a crisis.  You know what I’m talking about. Your son can’t find his shoes and he’s screaming YOUR name for the hundredth time while you’re in the bathroom. Or your daughter “needs” to go to the mall TONIGHT because next week she needs a black tshirt for her concert. 

It’s rarely mean or malicious but over time, there is this slow fade. It’s an unconscious drift that happens when couples don’t prioritize and fight for what’s important. 

Here are some warning signs that your marriage may be in a slow fade…

1. Physical intimacy is little to non-existent and it’s not because of a physical condition or ailment. Are you sleeping in separate beds? Are you always too tired or too busy to be sexually intimate with your spouse? What’s going on? Is there a physical issue that needs to be addressed? Is there someone else who has captured the heart of your spouse so he/she no longer has any desire to be with you physically. Lean in to your spouse and work on a plan to rekindle the physical intimacy between the two of you.

2. Emotional Intimacy is waning. You’re not dreaming together anymore. You don’t feel like you can be authentic or vulnerable with your spouse. He or she won’t sit down and open up about what’s going on inside. Is there someone else outside your marriage who you ARE having those kind of conversations with? That’s a slippery slope if it’s someone of the opposite sex. Acknowledge that is NOT healthy and open up to your partner about your needs. 

3. Spiritual Intimacy is non existent. It’s tough to pull away from your spouse when God is at the center of the relationship. Less than 1% of couples who pray together on a regular basis divorce. Working in the church for 20 years, it was not uncommon for couples in a slow fade to fall off the radar and disappear. Kids stop coming to sunday school. Mom and dad stop going to church or drop out of their small group. It was the start of an ugly downhill slide for their family. Don’t let that happen if you are involved in a church. It’s a red flag of something deeper going on. 

4. Misplaced priorities-Put the big rocks in first. God, spouse, children in that order...and the others will fall in place naturally after that. If you or your partner continuously put other things or people ahead of those big rocks, danger, danger...you’re in a slow fade.

5. Unrealistic expectations or petty arguments-Are you and your spouse constantly fighting over silly things like socks on the floor or dishes in the sink??...can I just tell you.  It’s not about the dishes. There are some deeper issues looming. Maybe your spouse is hoping you’ll lean in and ask what’s really wrong. Or maybe you’re afraid to say anything because it will just lead to a blow up.

6. Shut Down Mode-This is probably one of the most dangerous red flags of the slow fade...the shut down mode. You’re getting nothing...no physical intimacy, no emotional intimacy, no spiritual intimacy...there’s not even any arguments. You and your spouse haven’t argued in years, because you haven’t really had a real conversation in years.  GET HELP TODAY! That’s not a marriage-that’s a roommate. You may be thinking your marriage is a nine out of 10 because you never fight but your partner is at a one. He or she has already checked out and maybe even checked in with someone else. 

If you or your spouse feel like you are in that SLOW FADE we described above, do what Doug and Lisa did. Get some help today. They are celebrating 22 years this year because of what God did in that difficult season 10 years ago. They are grateful to him for saving their marriage and have seen God use their story many times to bring others hope. Talk to your priest or pastor. Reach out to a professional Christian counselor. Contact us at rocksolidfamilies.org. Don’t keep brushing those feelings of emptiness and despair under the rug. Just as Satan can use those feelings to destroy your relationship with your spouse, God can use those SAME feelings to bring your relationship to a new and better level. I’ve seen it happen. Trust me; there is hope! You don’t have to settle for the status quo and think that’s all there is. But the answer is not in another man or woman. The answer is not working more or shutting down. The answer is looking up, leaning in and getting the help you need to have a healthy and strong marriage maybe even for the first time.

Before You Say “I Do”

Summer is finally here and you know what that means. At least for our friends and family, summer means lots of swimming, grill outs, graduations, and yes, weddings. Merrill and I were married on a sweltering July day back in 1987; we will be married 32 years on July 24. If you’re married and reading this, maybe you had a summer wedding too. I don’t know about you, but we were such young pups when we got married without a clue of what we were doing when we said, “I Do”. I’m not sure where we would be today without God’s unmerited favor.  I thank God every day for His grace and the blessing of Merrill, our five children, two amazing daughter in laws and 2 ⅓ adorable grandchildren (Yep, another one is on the way). Each one of them is a blessing in my life I do not deserve.

I say all this not just to reminisce but to attack some myths Merrill and I have seen young couples fall for over the past 25 years. Over and over again, couples have fallen into the same traps creating trouble for them years down the road. None of these are easy topics. There are as many opinions as there are words in a dictionary. We could spend days unpacking each one, but in this season of weddings and engagements, I feel like it’s time to do some myth busting about marriage and relationships.

BUSTING SOME MARRIAGE MYTHS

Photo Credit: Olivia Strohm Photography

1. “Love is All We Need”-That’s a great title for a movie or love song, but that’s not real life. Without investing in each other and nurturing that relationship through good communication and conflict resolution skills...that infatuation quickly begins to fade away. Why do you think only 2% of new marriages started as high school sweethearts? Love is not a feeling, but instead a conscious decision that must be fed and nurtured. A healthy marriage takes each partner giving 100% to the relationship. Besides healthy relationship skills, the greatest tool in our marriage toolbox is God Himself.  Without the Lord at the center of their relationship, couples are building on sinking sand.

2. “Time Will Resolve Our Problems”- Sometimes it’s the little things over time that destroy trust and slowly eat away at a relationship. If you and your partner have things that have never been addressed or resolved and they are causing bitterness and anger to build up, it’s time to get some help. Work toward compromise and resolution BEFORE you say “I do”.  Time does not heal all wounds. Over time, it can be the little things that hardened your heart toward your partner. Don’t let things go unresolved thinking they are “no big deal”. If you keep brushing things under the rug without ever dealing with them...you eventually start tripping over the rug!

3. “My Partner is My Everything”- Putting your partner on a pedestal and declaring him/her to be your world is setting your partner up for horrible failure. God never intended your partner to be your savior...your everything. Your partner IS going to disappoint you. He/She IS going to let you down over and over again. That’s called being human, and that’s why we all need to extend this thing called grace. Look in the mirror. You’re not perfect either and you’re going to need your partner to extend grace to you. We all do.  We’re going to disappoint and let others down. We see couples all the time enter into a relationship with rose colored glasses assuming their partner can meet all their needs. Good luck with that one! That’s not how God designed marriage. There is still a need for outside friendships. There is still a need for alone time, and there is still a HUGE need for God. I tell couples all the time. God is a jealous God, and he won’t settle for second place even in your marriage.

4. “Living Together Helps Prepare Us For Marriage”-This one depends on what you’re preparing for. If you want to know if your partner snores or is a good cook, maybe that’s true, but if you are looking for a forever commitment, not so much. When a couple chooses to live together before marriage, it can infuse doubt and mistrust into the very core of the relationship. It’s hard to trust someone completely when they have an easy exit strategy. The message living together often sends to a partner is “I’m not sure you’re the one for me”. I want to “test drive” the relationship. Well, test driving is great for cars you want to buy, but we’re not dealing with cars here. We’re dealing with people’s emotions and when we start intertwining sexual intimacy and financial bank accounts together without a forever commitment-things get really messy.  It’s hard to put the genie back in the bottle. I’m not here to say that couples who live together before marriage won’t last, but I am saying it definitely starts the building process on shaky ground. Regardless of what people may say, Cohabitation is NOT the best way to prepare for marriage.

A healthy marriage is not about what we selfishly GET from the relationship, but what we selflessly GIVE. It’s more about BEING the one than finding “the one”. When we look at our partner and say “I’m ALL IN” and approach marriage as a lifetime commitment through the good times and the bad, that’s when we create a relationship of love and trust.  That’s when you begin to build on a rock solid foundation for your new life together. The best way to prepare for marriage is to pursue God as a couple and get wise premarital counsel.

Many couples spend years saving and planning for their wedding day. Did you know that the average cost of a wedding in the United States last year was over $33,000? That is crazy! Couples spend a ton of money and time picking out dresses, flowers and venues. What if couples would take that same kind of time and attention in seeking God as the center of their relationship? Take the time to pray for your relationship, for each other, and for your future family. Statistics show that over 99% of married couples who pray together on a regular basis stay together. I don’t know of anything else that compares to that success rate. Research also shows that 80% of couples that get quality premarital counseling stay married.

So before you say “I do”, take the time to pursue God together. Talk to your priest or pastor. Invest in premarital counseling. Find a Christian mentor couple to walk alongside you. Slow down and do this right. After all, it’s not about one special day on the calendar, but a very special relationship you want to last a lifetime.

Marriage First Aid

I still remember where I was when I got the call. I was in Orlando, Florida at a ministry conference when one of my key church volunteers called me in tears. He and his wife were in marital crisis. She was ready to leave.  How could that be? They looked like they had it all together. I was with their whole family just the week before. How could I have missed the storm brewing and growing inside their home?

I remember that day like it was yesterday, but in reality it was over 15 years ago. That day is forever seared in my mind, because it stirred something inside that has never left me - a heart for couples in crisis. Working with couples and families was nothing new for my husband and I. For years, we had been working with engaged couples walking alongside them before they said “I Do”. For years, I had worked with families as a teacher and children’s minister. But this was different. This time, I felt ill-equipped and blindsided.

Maybe you’ve been there.  A family member or friend calls you to say, “I can’t do this anymore” or “He/She left”, and you’re left holding the phone in shock. Now what? Often we feel helpless wishing we had a band-aid or some magic words, but we don’t. The helplessness I felt that winter day in Orlando Florida sent me on a quest for truth and tools for my friends and the countless other couples God would put in my path.

If you are reading this today, I’m first here to share with you some truth. There is NOTHING that you or someone you love is experiencing right now that God can not bring beauty from (Isaiah 61:1-3). In 20 years of ministry, I have seen God bring healing and beauty out of the ugliest of circumstances. Adultery, Addiction, Illness, Bankruptcy, Felonies, Abuse….you name it; God can redeem it! Now, I didn’t say every marriage will be restored. Restoration takes two willing partners which doesn’t always happen in marital conflict. But if you are willing to do it His way, God is ABLE! My husband and I host a weekly radio show called ROCK SOLID RADIO and recently did an episode on this very topic. Check it out at eaglecountryonline.com or just click HERE

Maybe you’re reading this and you’re thinking it’s already too late. Maybe you and your spouse have already divorced and moved on. God can still make something beautiful out of your pain and heartache if you surrender it to Him. He is still able to do more than all you can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20-21). Maybe, it’s not you but a friend, and you have no idea what to say or do. First and foremost, pray for them. Ask God to give you the wisdom and discernment in knowing what to say and what not to say. But what if there was more we could do? What if we had some first aid tools when the bleeding starts to occur?

MARRIAGE FIRST AID KIT
Just like students in school, it’s important we all have an emergency plan and practice it BEFORE the storm comes. Whether it’s a tornado or fire, students and adults practice the plan AHEAD of time.  It helps take the emotion out of the emergency and allows everyone to handle things in a safe and calm way. What if you and your spouse did the same thing? Sit down with your spouse and go over this together when things are good or when the emotion is out of the conflict.

Get a plan NOW on how you will handle the next storm or conflict that arises. No matter if it’s you or someone you know, there is hope and healing when conflict occurs.  Here are some tried and true tools I believe every first aid plan should include:

1. Take a Time Out-Don’t try and resolve conflict in the heat of emotion. Take time to cool down. If it is your spouse who is angry, walk away to allow the situation to deescalate. Go for a walk, take a drive, go in your room. Take time to step away from the emotion and calm down with the commitment that you will be back to resolve it later when the emotion has subsided. It may be an hour or a day, but don’t allow the negative emotion to fester and grow.

2. Initiate a sincere apology-Take the time to reflect on how you contributed to the conflict and own it. Even if you think your spouse was 95% in the wrong, own your 5%. (Don’t tell them you are only 5% in the wrong...that’s not going to help!) After a cooling down period, approach your spouse and apologize for your part of the argument and then STOP. Don’t go on to crucify their response or justify yours. That will only put your partner on the defense and shut down any possibility of healing your relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to apologize, don’t give up and strike back. It may take time for your partner to believe you are sincere and not just wanting to throw them under the bus.

3. Don’t keep score-Once you have apologized, let it go. Don’t keep bringing up the past and throwing it in their face. If you are a couple that keeps score, you may win an argument but you will lose your marriage.

4. Daily Investment of Time- I believe many couples are struggling because they have not made their marriage a priority. They’ve put everything in front of their marriage relationship. Work, Kids, Screens, you name it and it has replaced the marriage as the daily priority. Your spouse needs to know that he/she is the most important person in your life. If they’re not….that’s the problem. It’s time to make your spouse a priority. Every day for about 15-20 min, take the time to sit down with your partner uninterrupted and just dialogue. Ask them how they are doing and what’s going on in their world. Compliment and thank them whenever possible. No kids, no screens, no dishes...just the two of you. You will be amazed how esteemed and valued your spouse will feel. You will be surprised how much you learn in just 15-20 minutes. So many conflicts come from a break down of communication. This daily investment would save so many storms from brewing.

5. Christ Centered Marriage-You want to storm proof your marriage? Take your child off the throne. Take your work off it’s pedestal. Stop expecting your spouse to be something God never created them to be. All of those things...our children, our work, even our spouse make lousy gods. Put Jesus Christ on the throne in your home. Build your home on a foundation that is unshakable and can weather ANY storm. As a couple, pray for each other and for your family every day. The divorce rate for couples who pray together on a regular basis is less than 1 percent. I don’t know of a better way to storm proof your marriage. When Christ is our focus, we begin to understand how to love our wife and respect our husband unconditionally. We begin to extend grace and offer forgiveness, because we realize how WE have been forgiven by our Heavenly Father who loves us and forgives us daily.  

6. Seek Professional Help Early-Don’t wait until your spouse walks out the door. If you can’t seem to resolve the conflict on your own, seek professional help. Call a counselor. Reach out to a priest/pastor. Contact us at Rock Solid Families for marriage/family coaching. There is help and hope available.

Like I mentioned before, there are no magic words that can instantly repair a hurting relationship.  There is no magic pill you can swallow and heal deep wounds, but there is a Heavenly Father who has given us a way to have all those things we so desperately desire...peace, love, joy, and hope.

At Rock Solid Families, we are here to help you find those things in a Christ-centered home. If we can help you or your family, please don’t hesitate to call our St. Leon, IN office at 812-576-ROCK or contact us through our website at rocksolidfamilies.org. In the meantime, please know that if you’re reading this, we are praying for YOU and asking God to help you build a Rock Solid Family!