What Does Your Family Stand For?

Remember the old song by John Mellencamp called “You’ve Got to Stand for Somethin’”?

If not, I encourage you to look it up. I know I’m showing my age, but good music is good no matter how old you are. Good lessons are good no matter how old as well. Mellencamp brings to light the importance of standing up for what we believe is important. I want to take this idea and apply it to families and parenting.  What do you as a parent stand for? What does your family stand for? Do your kids know what your family values? These questions are so incredibly important to ask as a parent but are often not even on a parent’s radar not to mention their kids. 

Why are these questions so important? For the same reason that Mellencamp gives in his song, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’re going to fall for anything.”That’s exactly what we are seeing all across our country today- people falling for anything! As a parent, this can be so costly for the family. It’s costly when the things we fall for are not healthy for our family or downright harmful. So if that’s the case, why are we falling for so many things we know can hurt us? At the risk of stepping on people’s toes, let’s face it, we are suckers for instant gratification. “If it feels good, do it!” “I deserve to be happy!” “It’s all about MY comfort!” Should I go on? What’s worse is that in this 24/7 digital age, marketing agencies and social media platforms understand exactly what appeals to our desires. The packaging is shiny and flashy. The bold print screams, “You Need Me”! “You deserve it”!

I’m as bad as anyone out there. I can rationalize nearly every decision I make. I make up excuses and then make deals with myself to soften the guilt. You know what I mean, you’re guilty just like me. We eat the chocolate cake but tell ourselves that we will run a couple of extra miles tomorrow to burn it off. That’s a bold-faced lie! So, how do I help myself and my family from being swept up by what feels good in the moment or the latest and greatest temptations? Let’s first ask ourselves some questions. What do you stand for and why? Is your decision to stand for something based on a solid foundation or is it based on feelings, opinions, fleshly desires? Are there alot of exceptions or gray areas? Is your stance easily persuaded to change? Do you sometimes describe yourself as a “go with the flow” kind of person?

Sure, there are many decisions in life that are not that important in the grand scheme of things: the color of your shoes, the genre of music you listen to, wheat or rye bread. Who cares, right, but there are plenty of things that do matter. Not only do they matter today, but they mattered yesterday and they will matter tomorrow. Do you stand for integrity? Doing the right thing, even when nobody’s watching. Do you stand for the golden rule? Treating others the way you want to be treated. Do you stand for unconditional love? Loving even when someone is acting unloveable. Do you stand behind your word where your yes means yes, and no means no? Do you stand behind your day’s work? An honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. Do you stand on the truth that we were all wonderfully and uniquely created by a loving God? “For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13 NIV) These are the unshakeable things to build your life and your home on.

At Rock Solid Families, my wife and I see day after day what happens when couples and families operate without a solid foundation. Doing what “feels” right in the moment or what would satisfy a more immediate desire does not always mean long term happiness or peace. It often comes at the cost of hurting others, breaking trust, losing integrity, breaking up families, and broken communities. As parents, we can not hide our family in a cave or protect our kids from every little challenge, but we can help build them to be strong in character. We can help develop in our children a foundation of strong morals and values for things that mattered yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

I challenge you to be more mindful in your home about taking a stand on the things that matter. I encourage you to stress these virtues on a daily basis with your kids. Don’t leave this matter to chance or public opinion. Just because everyone is doing it, doesn’t necessarily make it right. We have seen this and continue to see it every day in the world around us. Give your kids the courage and strength to stand strong and know why and what they are standing for. That doesn’t guarantee an easy life full of pleasure-seeking and fun. But it does help to ensure a person of principle that will positively impact generations to come. Remember, If you don’t stand for something, you’re going to fall for anything. Don’t let it be the fall of your family.

Is My Child "Gifted"?

As we prepare for the start of another school year, we wanted to take some time to touch on a question many parents will be asking their teachers and administration this coming school year. Is My Child “Gifted”?  At Rock Solid Families, we believe that’s a really loaded question to ask that first needs some clarification. The term “gifted” has created so much confusion and sparked so many conversations within our families and schools today.  As with many ideas in education, the same condition we’ve seen in kids for years often gets assigned a new name or terminology. A term that was used to describe a particular behavior or trait 40 years ago may now seem insensitive or even ignorant today.  Initially, it may have been fine, but overuse and misuse of certain terms start to create a negative connotation. Eventually, people want to distance themselves from certain titles or labels and eventually it gets replaced with a new term. 

In my 20 years as an elementary school counselor, I saw the word “gifted” as one of those terms. The difficulty with the term “gifted” is that it is not a “one-size-fits-all” label.  There is not a single test or screener that automatically determines a child to be gifted. This is why things can get really messy. A child could be gifted at math, science, reading, art, athletics, social interaction, speaking, etc..  What’s even more confusing is that a child may appear to be performing significantly high in one area but is nearly non-functional in another. I’m sure we’ve all seen a person that is amazing at math or science but is nearly paralyzed when it comes to social interaction.  Or how about the person that is musically head and shoulders above the crowd, but has a difficult time balancing their checkbook? This imbalance creates lots of confusion to the people they interact with as well as the person identified as “gifted”.  

Because identifying gifted and talented students is a touchy subject with many parents and school officials, I want to be very careful about sharing what I have learned from my 32 years of experience in the school setting.  My experience with this “gifted” label also hits close to home, which is why I’d like to share a little bit of our own family’s story.  

When our oldest son was in second grade, our school began a process of testing, screening, and interviewing students for qualification into the school’s gifted and talented program.  As the new counselor in the school building, I was just learning about what this process looked like. After several months of collecting data, our school’s gifted and talented coordinator came to me and said she had information about our oldest son that we needed to discuss. Her data indicated that our oldest son was scoring in the top 98 percentile in almost every test, screener, or interview she had given him.  His scores opened the door for the school’s gifted and talented program, and she wanted to know if that was something we were interested in pursuing. 

My wife and I began to discuss what this meant to us and our son.  You see, we never really thought of our son as gifted. We just always thought of him as an “all boy” kind of kid.  Yes, he excelled in some areas, but we also saw that he was average in many others. We began to discuss what would be best for our son in the long run.  More than anything in this world, we wanted our son to grow up to be a well-adjusted and healthy adult mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  We wanted our son to be a problem-solver and to be able to handle social interactions successfully. We wanted him to care about his family and others and know the importance of servanthood and hard work.  We wanted our son to experience failure and understand that he could grow through it. We wanted him to understand that all people have gifts and talents and that he would someday have to rely on the strength of others to succeed.   We wanted our son to understand that he was and still is a great young man with lots of potential to do amazing things as well as capable of making mistakes like everyone else. We wanted him to be humble and to know that he was created for a purpose to serve God and others.

Here’s what we knew we did not want.  We did not want our son to feel above or better than anyone else.  We did not want him to feel any extra burden to live up to a certain label. We did not want to create an environment that incubated an elitist or arrogant mindset.  We did not want him to carry undue stress for being something he struggled to live up to. 

 So, when our conversation was finished, my wife and I made a decision.  We decided that we did not want our son identified as gifted. We didn’t want him misled into thinking he was any more or less gifted than any other child.  Instead, we allowed him to take the path that his peers took and when he excelled we encouraged and celebrated his success. When he fell short or struggled, we stressed the importance of overcoming and teaching empowerment and skills to succeed.  We also quickly noticed that our son naturally tracked himself into many of the opportunities and experiences that the “gifted” kids were experiencing. Life often has a natural way of doing that. 

Here’s the bottom line;  I’m not saying that your child being labeled as “gifted” is a bad thing.  In fact, this label may very well open the door to experiences that will serve them well.  What I am saying is that your child may not necessarily be better off because of the label.  What’s the motivation behind the label? Weigh the pros and cons before making a decision. Think about how this label may impact your child socially, academically, spiritually, etc…  As in most things in life, there is usually more than one way to the same goal. Being labeled “gifted” may be what opens new and exciting doors for them, but remember, your child is far more than a single label.  Your child is a beautiful but often messy combination of different traits, skills, behaviors, and gifts. Some will be seen as blessings, but some will be seen as shortcomings. Praise and encourage where they are strong and help them learn and grow where they are weak. This balanced approach will not only help your child succeed in school but more importantly life as well.  

Are You A Rescue Parent?

By trying to protect children from failure now...you actually set them up for greater failure later. Merrill Hutchinson

Earlier this year my daughter in law shared a video with me that showed her kids hiking with her on a wet sloppy trail.  At first, it looked like a great family adventure out in mother nature on a beautiful trail. Suddenly, our two-year-old grandson took off running up the trail. Before anyone could really react, he tripped and fell flat on his face.  Mud and water splattered and his entire face and belly were covered with mud. This was not a little stumble causing a fall to the knee. This was an all-out face-plant! The next thing you hear on the video is my daughter in law chuckling and saying, it’s all right, you’re fine.  When she finally caught up to him, he began to stand up and when he saw she was smiling, he began to laugh. She laughed right back at him and they continued up the trail.  

Now, maybe this shouldn’t even be a story worth referencing, but I believe it has merit.  After working at the elementary school level for over 20 years, I have met many parents that would handle this scenario in a completely different manner.  Just speculating, but I can imagine parents that would have yelled at their children as soon as they took off running. “Don’t run, you’re going to trip and fall!”  Or, after seeing their child fall, running in a panic as if their child just broke their neck. Or, maybe having a child on a leash just to prevent them from even having the opportunity to leave your side.  Or, the ultimate in protection, “No, we are not going to hike on a muddy trail. Someone could get hurt and it will be a muddy mess.” Which parent are you?

We love our daughter in law not just because she married our son.  We love them as parents to our grandchildren because we believe they are raising their children to be problem solvers.  They are growing up to be strong, courageous, adventurous, and most importantly, victors and not victims. On a daily basis, they allow their kids to take reasonable risks. As parents, they are teaching our grandchildren to celebrate the victories but also learn from the mistakes. 

No doubt, parenting can be difficult; wondering if you are doing and saying the right things.  Wondering if your discipline is effective and meaningful. Wondering if you are growing your kids to thrive and survive in a sometimes cruel world.  Wondering if you are giving your kids too much or too little. These may be real thoughts and fears, but here’s the important question I think you need to ask yourself.  What kind of adults do you want your children to grow to be? In my 20 years of working with parents, I more often than not get the same answer. “When my child is an adult, I want them to be happy, independent, well-adjusted, and feeling successful in their life.” AWESOME! Me TOO!

As parents, we understand we can’t guarantee our children a problem-free life.   In fact, there’s a better chance we could guarantee them a life with challenges and problems. None of us are guaranteed a problem-free life, but if we want our children to succeed in life and be well adjusted later, we must equip and teach them NOW how to navigate problems and failures.   I would suggest that attempting to remove all the problems, or solving the problems for your children, places them at incredible risk for a very tumultuous and unrewarding life. By trying to protect children from failure now...you actually set them up for greater failure later.

So, how can I help my child grow to be that adult that is happy, independent, well-adjusted, and feeling successful?  

• Realize and understand that your child is not perfect and neither are you.

• Don’t own your child’s mistakes or short-comings.  If they fail, allow them to fail. Don’t argue with the teachers, coaches, referees, or anyone else about something your child did wrong. When they mess up, look at the situation as an incredible teaching moment!

• Never make excuses for your child and never tolerate excuses from your child.  Excuses are the first step to allowing your child to become a victim. “It’s not my fault” are words that should not be tolerated in your home. 

• Limit the amount of time that you will allow your child to pout or feel sorry for themselves.  Yes, there will be emotion when a child suffers loss, rejection, or makes a mistake. That’s okay!  But please do not allow them to get stuck there. Once the emotions settle, train them to shift into problem-solving mode. Again, you do not solve the problem.  Encourage them by saying, “Okay, that didn’t go the way you wanted. What are you able to do about it now?” That’s empowerment!

• Practice what you preach.  Allow yourself to make mistakes, and own them! When you’ve made a mistake let your children see that you admit the mistake and that you are able to work toward solving the problem. 

• Encourage age-appropriate risk-taking and allow them to own the natural consequences of those risks.  “Yes, you can ride your bike and jump off your homemade ramp, but if you wreck, you need to understand you could get hurt.”  With that being said, if they wreck, you do not scream and yell, “I told you so!” Instead, we say something to the effect of.  Wow! That looks like it hurt. Are you okay? Alright, go clean up your wounds and get back on your bike!  

• Encourage exploration and exposure to activities your children are good at and things they are not necessarily good at.  This is all part of the discovery process. They may find something they excel at that ultimately directs the pathway of their life.  Or, they may find something that they never want to do again, and they will have solid reasons for why they don’t want to do it. 

My parents were not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but when I look back at what they gave my siblings and I, I am so grateful. I am most grateful that they taught us about putting our faith and trust in God in this difficult world. I am so grateful they taught us to be honest and hardworking and take responsibility for our actions and teaching us to take risk and trust that things will work out.  As I write this I hear my dad’s voice saying what he so often said to us; “Do something even if it’s wrong!”

“None of us are guaranteed a problem-free life, but if we want our children to succeed in life and be well adjusted later, we must equip and teach them NOW how to navigate problems and failures. ”

— Merrill Hutchinson

The Golden Rule

I’m sick and tired of the bickering!  I’m sick and tired of selfish fighting no matter the cost to the rest of us!  I’m sick and tired of energy going into what seems to be a futile endeavor! Thanks! I feel better now that I got that off my chest!

You might think I’m describing the lack of civility that we sometimes see in our homes between our children.  That would make sense as kids can spend countless hours trying to protect their turf within the house. The back and forth can be draining and downright insane.  As parents, we work hard to raise our children through these crazy years and hopefully teach them to be more civil and respectful toward each other. It is not unusual for adult family members to say things like, “Yeah, we couldn’t stand each other when we were young, but now we are best friends.” As a parent, this is the great reward for all of our efforts in raising kids.

I wish I could say that my initial tirade was directed solely toward my house and raising kids, but that would only partially be true.  What I’m really sick and tired of is how childish behavior has crept into our culture; politics, media, business, even religion have fallen into these unhealthy and unsustainable behaviors.  Yes, the effort to persuade and influence others to a particular point of view at any and all cost has left is well beyond the activities of a couple of siblings fighting for turf. It is now full-blown in nearly all parts of our society.  In fact, the attacks and bickering within our politics, businesses, sports, churches, schools, and neighborhoods make a home filled with sibling rivalry look like a picnic.

Disagreement is not unhealthy.   Being challenged is good and can be healthy! Challenge leads to growth. Whether it is challenging our muscles, our creativity, our relationships, or even our faith. However, it must come with some ground rules and a greater purpose. Disagreement for the sake of protecting “your” way, is not necessarily healthy.  But, challenge for the sake of protecting something greater than yourself; i.e. principles, can be very healthy.

When we adopted our three children, Linda and I were completely blown away by how much fighting and arguing was going on inside our house.  While raising our older sons, we seldom experienced much feuding and when disagreements arose, we quickly resolved them. In fact, we often stated that our goal was to have a house of peace.  The world was crazy enough, we needed to make sure our house was a place where we could be recharged and ready to take on another crazy day in a crazy world. Needless to say, when we adopted our three younger children the daily fighting, yelling, and bickering between them was disturbing.  Honestly, it made wanting to come home less attractive than I had ever experienced. Who wants to walk into a firestorm of mean and selfish rants every day? Not me!

Linda and I had to quickly change our focus on what was important in our home.  We realized that our kids had spent their entire lives fighting for themselves. They had no vision of what it was to fight for their family. Our entire focus had to turn to teaching, “family first”. This has not been easy or fast. Our culture has more recently, (the past 30 years), placed greater emphasis and promotion of immediate gratification and getting what we want with little consideration of what others might want or need.  Trying to teach that getting your own way often comes at the expense of another person can be a difficult process, especially when the culture promotes selfishness.

We realized that our kids were operating with what I refer to as an empathy deficit.  It is often difficult for them to see things through another person’s eyes.  The result is often selfish and even inappropriate behaviors. Fighting, bickering, and self-promotion are some of the common behaviors you see with an empathy deficit.

So, rather than simply state that our house needed to be a house of peace.  We started to teach what our decisions might feel like from another person’s point of view.  For example, saying that stealing is bad is only a good first step. But for kids that are used to getting whatever they want, no matter how they get it, stealing happens to become a means to an end.  So, how do you teach this kind of thing?

Time must be spent on teaching and experience the emotions created by right and wrong.  For example, when a young child steals a toy, they may feel happy because they have a new toy. But, how does the child feel that the toy was stolen from?  This is where we begin to teach empathy. This can be done through role-playing or experiencing natural consequences. In other words, “how would you feel if someone stole that from you?”  Or, since you stole that item, you must return it, apologize, and pay back double the cost. Ouch!

Teaching younger children to ask questions like “How was your day?” is a powerful first step to teach younger children about empathy.  Once our children begin to understand empathy, it is much easier for them to transfer that into adult relationships and interaction. Remember the Golden Rule?  Treat others the way you want to be treated!  Matthew 7:12 states; So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the prophets.

Where does this all lead us?  Much of what we see in our society today grows out of what we are already seeing in our homes.  If our homes are filled with dissension and fighting today, our society will be filled with dissension and fighting tomorrow.  If we really want to stop this insanity, we need to start in our homes. I believe it is a worthy effort to strive to make your house a “house of peace”!  Maybe perfection is not attainable, but at least setting up a general expectation will allow our families to become more cohesive. Start today by teaching your kids the value of empathy...The Golden Rule!

Parenting in a Tech Heavy World

As a parent or grandparent, are you desperate for some help in the area of technology/social media?  In his book, The Tech Wise Family, author Andy Crouch surveyed a thousand parents of children ages 4-17 and asked them, “What is the number one concern you have as a parent?” Out of a thousand surveyed, the number one thing parents were concerned about for their children was technology/social media.

Finding a healthy balance in this fast paced, ever changing digital age is so hard for families today. Parents have nothing to draw from or compare it to. They didn’t grow up with a phone in their pocket that demanded their attention 24/7. Parents are struggling on how to find that healthy balance for their family. The constant demand for connectedness and the increasing stress they face every day is becoming overwhelming for our kids. This tech heavy world is too difficult for children to navigate alone.

My husband and I feel like we have parented children in two different worlds. Raising our two older sons just 10 years ago looked very different than raising our three youngest today. Shortly after adopting our youngest three a few years ago, we began hearing things like “If you loved me, you’d buy me a phone.” “I’m the ONLY one in my class without a phone.” So many children and parents have mistakenly equated technology with love.  Not wanting their child to feel ostracized or left out, parents give in to the pressure purchasing devices they often can't afford and putting them in the hands of kids who often can’t handle them.

Many adults rationalize their technology decisions with their kids by comparing it to their own technology use.  I often hear parents say things like, “My kids already know more about technology than I do. Why bother?” “I’m tired of the fight. If you can’t beat them, join them”  “I’ve got good kids. This really doesn’t apply to me”. “They are just like me. I can’t live without it either.”

As a parent or grandparent, we can NOT afford to be passive bystanders or hide our heads in the sand. Our society is reaping the consequences of our decisions, and our children’s health is at stake!  Much research has been done on the detrimental effects excessive screen usage has on a child’s brain development. A child’s prefrontal cortex, the decision making part of the brain, is not fully developed until their early 20’s. Many children today are suffering from Excessive Screen Syndrome (ESS) which causes a hyper arousal of a child’s sensitive nervous system creating dysfunction in school, home and social interactions. ESS affects sleep, diet, behavior, family dynamics and school performance. Do you know a child struggling with irritability, depression, tantrums, poor self-regulation, social immaturity, insomnia, oppositional-defiant behaviors, disorganized behavior, poor sportsmanship, or learning difficulties? Researchers would contend that it very well could be because of excessive screen time. (Reset Your Child’s Brain, Victoria Dunckley MD, 2015)

“We’ve made a conscious decision in our home to stop giving our kids what they WANT or what the world says they should have and start giving them what they NEED! ”

— Linda Hutchinson

Teaching your child self control NOW has a direct correlation to their health and success as an adult. (The Collapse of Parenting, Dr. Leonard Sax, 2017) As parents, we must decide now that character traits like self control, integrity, and honesty take priority over how connected we are to the world. We’ve made a conscious decision in our home to stop giving our kids what they WANT or what the world says they should have and start giving them what they NEED!  Yes, technology is a regular battle in our home too, but remember you are the parent. Kelly Newcom, author and founder of Brave Parenting, writes about this very topic in her book, Managing Media-Creating Character. Kelly (Rodden) Newcom, an East Central High School grad, grew up in SE Indiana and now lives in Texas with her husband and 7 children. Her book is a great resource for any parent.

Technology/social media is here to stay and can be used for positive things, but don’t be naive to think it doesn’t come at a cost. How many more horror stories do we have to read about in the paper or hear on the news?  Cyber bullying, sexting, suicide, murder….when do we finally say something has to change? I believe we can help by starting in our homes. Here are some practical suggestions to help you create a healthy media plan for your family. Together, we can make a difference.

• CREATE A FAMILY MEDIA PLAN-Have a family meeting. Set the reset button and model for your children a healthy balance with technology. Develop a family media plan with limits and guidelines and stick to it. Remember, you are not their friend; you are their parent. There’s a difference! Consistency is the key. Click HERE to create a family media plan today.

• LIMIT ACCESS AND USAGE-Set screen time limits for your whole house based on their age and maturity and enforce them.The longer you wait to give a child a phone, the longer you have influence over their decisions. The minute they can access a friend without your permission, you’ve lost your voice and place as the primary influence in their lives. Let go SLOW. Don’t use screens as a pacifier or babysitter. For screen time guidelines for different ages and more help on this topic, go to healthychildren.org.

• NO SCREENS AT THE DINNER TABLE-Spend the time talking about the highs and lows of the day and investing in the relationships around you. Your spouse and children need to know they take priority over your phone.

• NO SCREENS IN A CHILD’S BEDROOM-Sleep deprivation is the biggest culprit for the anxiety, depression, and learning difficulties our kids are experiencing today. Charge all phones and tablets in a parent’s bedroom including friends who spend the night.

• LIMIT SOCIAL MEDIA-Do not recommend for elementary or middle school students. Monitor activity. Inappropriate behavior results in no social media. Know accounts and passwords. Remember, you are still the parent and as long as you are paying the bills and they are under your roof, you have the power!

Need help navigating these uncharted waters of technology/social media as a family? Contact us at 812-576-ROCK or rocksolidfamilies.org.

One Size Does Not Fit All

How many times have you made the statement; “I wish these kids came with an instruction manual!” Yes, don’t we all!  

One Size Does Not Fit All!

In an effort to help people, many experts have written books about child rearing, but all too often, the information falls short. This is especially true in dealing with difficult subjects such as discipline, self-esteem, confidence, and social interaction.  You quickly glean through the well-intended tactics from your favorite new book, only to find out that it doesn’t quite work like they said it would. Ugh!!! What’s even more frustrating is when you use the material on one of your children with excellent outcomes, but it’s a complete failure on their sibling.  Typically, I will hear parents say, “They both live in the same house, have the same parents, live with the same rules and experiences, how could they be so different?”

Welcome to parenting! If it were only so easy as to read a book and have all the answers.  What many fail to realize is the uniqueness of every child. It’s for that reason that one size simply does not fit all.  So, how do we go about raising these unique beings? Over the years, I have had the opportunity to try many different tactics and ideas.  Some made me a believer, others, not so much. One thing I came to realize is that I needed to stop looking for “cookie-cutter” answers and take the time to learn who the child was.  Let me explain.

I listen to people talk about bringing back paddling into the school, of which I’m not opposed. However, I will tell you that paddling is not the answer for all kids. I've dealt with some kids that need little more than a stern voice to curb an unwanted behavior.  On the other hand, I’ve seen kids that I truly believed you could have hit with a 2x4 and they would respond with, “is that all you got”?

I’ve also heard people discuss how building confidence and self-esteem is critical.  On the surface, this seems reasonable, but again one size does not fit all. Some kids come to us with confidence dripping out of their pores.  In fact, if they don’t know how to handle it, they can be some of the worst people to associate with. Ever met someone who was always right or difficult to teach or coach? This type of confidence exudes itself as arrogance.  And, yes, there are those kids that doubt everything they say or do. Never believing they are good enough, constantly seeking affirmation, and quite frankly, often just as difficult to be around as the arrogant child.

As a parent, understanding this scripture is critical to raising your unique child.

Romans 12:4-8 (NIV)

For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Yes, every body part has significant value to the total body.  One is not better than another. Would it make sense to make your eye function and behave like your ear?  That’s ridiculous! So is it ridiculous to think we should expect the same function and behavior from our kids. Should they all go to college? Should they all play sports? Should they all like to read? Should they all be leaders? The easy answer is NO!  But, way too often we see parents pushing things that may very well be what the world is saying is important, but not what God intended for your child.

 How do we deal with these unique kiddos?  

1. Spend time working on what your child needs the most help with.  If your child is a naturally confident, borderline arrogant child, you may have to help them understand and practice humility.  Teaching them how to listen to other’s point of view.  Teaching them how to let others go first. Teaching them to be better listeners and value the opinions of others. Teaching them to openly admit when they are wrong and make necessary apologies.

If your child lacks confidence, then you most likely do not need to spend a great deal of time teaching humility. Rather, you could begin to work on their positive self-talk.  You do not tolerate or accept excuses or down-trodden talk. You strongly challenge them to take action. If it leads to a win, you celebrate it. If it leads to a loss, you teach them how to learn from the failure.  

2. Teach your child to NEVER be a Victim! No matter what cards your child has been dealt, they will have their share of failure in their life. Teaching your child to come out as a victor rather than a victim is a lifelong tool that will serve your child well no matter who they are. Whether your child is an academic genius, or struggling to pass school, a potential pro-athlete, or sitting the bench, you can still teach them the value in never being a victim. We do this by teaching our kids to own or take responsibility for everything they do.  We do not tolerate excuses or blames.  No, it’s not the referee’s fault that you lost the game.  It may sound good at the time, but it completely removes responsibility from your child to get better.  Teaching your child to be a victor is one of the most empowering things that you can do. They will no longer have to wait for things to go their way.  They will begin to understand what it means to Make it a Great Day rather than Have a Great Day!

3. Teach your child the value of Self-Discipline. I remind my kids even when they don’t want to hear it; “I will discipline you until you can learn to discipline yourself!”  That is the key to why we discipline our children.  We really just need them to self-discipline. Again, no matter who your child is, research has proven time and time again, that a necessary trait for happiness and success in life is self-control. https://www.inc.com/rohini-venkatraman/science-says-self-control-is-a-key-success-factor-boost-yours-immediately-with-these-tips.html

Your kids will not like this parenting tactic, but you owe it to them to help them to practice the skill of self-control in their daily activities and decision making. Immediate gratification and self-control are on two opposite ends of the spectrum.  Help your child move toward the side of long term success and happiness - self control!

4. Teach your child about God and why he created them the way they are.  As your child grows up, they begin to have the ability to compare.  Yes, they compare how good they are, how bad they are, how tall they are, how smart they are, how athletic they are, how artistic they are, and the list goes on.  They soon realize that they are never going to be the best at everything. Someone will always be better! This is where we get into the self-esteem concerns. Self-esteem drops when a child believes there is something wrong with them.  Simply stated; they aren’t good enough!

Teach your child about their total uniqueness. They entered this world as a unique Child of God made in His image.  No one in the world is who they are. No one in the world has the exact combinations of talents, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses.  This combination has been hand selected by God. Teach them to stop wanting to change what God has created and embrace who He intended them to be.  Teach them to identify their strengths and then build them. Teach them to identify their weaknesses and how these weaknesses will help steer their path to serve out God’s intention for their life.  

Don’t fall into the trap of letting the world determine who your child should be.  Encourage them to be who God intended them to be. Like the old adage says, “God doesn’t make junk”!  

Teaching Kids to Communicate

You’ve all seen it and maybe even participated in it. A family sitting at the dinner table; several children and parents intensely communicating, but not with each other.  Instead they are all communicating with a digital screen! You’ll see them smiling, frowning, staring-all at a device instead of those around the table with them. This has become so commonplace that we don’t question it anymore. For many, it has become a cultural norm.  

In my blog today, I’m not going to bash the digital age we are living in.  Instead, I want to focus on what we, especially our children, know about how to communicate.  Communication is a necessity of life. The forms of communication we use seem straight forward, but are they?  

The forms and their frequency are the things that are changing.  Face to face communication where you see someone’s face and body is actually becoming less and less frequent. The need for us to meet someone in person to perform a particular task has greatly diminished. We don’t have to visit a store to shop, or go to a school to be taught. We don’t have to go to church to hear the preacher’s message or even attend the sporting event to see the event. We are now able to experience these things in our house and never even interact with a single person face to face.  Let’s be honest, we love the convenience and comfort that this provides us, but at what expense?

Over the years, researchers have made claims that over 90% of our communication is nonverbal; facial expression, body language, voice tone, etc… These numbers seem pretty extreme and in fact more recent research suggest that the difference between nonverbal and verbal communication percentages are more influenced by the situation.  Listening to a book on audio is certainly much more verbally effective than nonverbal, but having a face to face disagreement can be significantly more nonverbal. With that being said, researchers agree that nonverbal communication is significant, and often much more important than the words we use.

So, how are you teaching your children to communicate?  If the primary communication they use is looking at a digital screen and reading words, they likely are missing a huge portion of the message.  This is why we frequently see messages getting misinterpreted or misunderstood. “No, I didn’t mean that, I was just joking around.”

I encourage you to be intentional about teaching your children how to communicate.  When I teach lessons on communication to young students the first thing I teach is to know your audience.   Yes, before you say a word, you should know who you are talking to. Age, gender, energy level, mood, interest level, etc… We have all had great teachers and not so great teachers.  One of the primary skills that I quickly identify in a great teacher is their ability to read their audience prior and while teaching. A great teacher does a quick inventory on the audience and looks for the general mood, attention, interest, and energy of the crowd.  If the audience is reflecting positive attention and interest, then as the teacher, you quickly seize the opportunity and teach with the same energy. If you notice tired or somber faces and you ignore that message, there is a big chance that you are quickly going to lose your audience and before you know it, you will be preaching to the walls.  

Great teachers know their material, but make rapid adjustments to keep their audience engaged.  Reading body language, voice tones, and facial expressions, is part skill and part intuition. Some teachers just seem to be naturals, while others need to be trained and practiced in these skills.  Here’s the good news, these are skills that can be learned, practiced, and significantly improved.

How do you teach your children to read their audience and be effective communicators?  As mentioned earlier, some of them will be naturals, but all can benefit from learning and practicing three simple techniques.

1. Audience Check. Teach your child to observe and read their teachers and others every day.  Each day when your child walks into the classroom, one of the first things they should do is take notice of the people they encounter, especially their teacher.  Is the teacher appearing to be happy, sad, tired, irritated, etc… If your child walks into the classroom and stares at the ground, they likely will miss one of the most important messages necessary to start their day off right.

2. Greet and Check. Teach them to initiate the first greeting.  As soon as they walk in the classroom and take notice of the people, they follow up with a simple greeting.  “Hi Mrs. Smith!”, or better yet, “Hi Mrs. Smith, how are you today?”  Wow!   Guess what is about to happen?  Because the child took an interest in the teacher, the teacher is going to respond not just with a verbal word, but a mood, and an energy through her nonverbal clues.  More importantly, most of the time the teacher will return the interest.  I’m doing great this morning! How are you doing?”   This is so important!  Now, not only does your child have basic information about the teacher, but the teacher now gathers information about the student.  If this is done on a daily basis, it will not be long before the teacher and student have a greater depth to their understanding and interaction with each other.  

3. Clarity Check. Teach them the skill of seeking clarity of the message.  When they hear, see, and recognize the teacher’s message, test understanding. For example:  

Student: Hi Mrs. Smith! How are you?”

Mrs. Smith: In a low and quiet voice - “I’m okay.”

Clarity Check-

Student: “Mrs. Smith, you seem a little tired today”. Is everything okay?”

WOW!  Now the student is not just engaging, but seeking to gain greater understanding. This shows the student investing and taking an interest in the teacher. The teacher will typically seek to clarify the message, and consciously or subconsciously, they will feel a greater interest and empathy for this student. Practice these same skills on a daily basis in your house.  Every day have your child practice checking in with you when they walk in the door.  Have them notice, greet, and clarify understanding of the people in the house, especially their parents.   

Effective communication and interaction with others is a lifelong skill that your child will use every day of their life. This is tremendously powerful in teaching your child to invest in the interest of others, rather than just themselves.  Next time you think about giving your child their tablet when they walk in the house, stop and spend some time teaching them to be Masters of Communication not Disasters of Communication!

Parenting After Divorce

Nobody goes into a marriage with the intention of divorcing.  Most couples get married with the intention of being with their spouse for a lifetime.  Kids, houses, cars, pets, everything they bring into the relationship is usually done thinking “together forever”.  But...life often takes turns they did not intend. Marriages begin to develop small cracks that often lead to full-blown fractures or in other words…divorce.  

Today’s blog is not about how to prevent the divorce.  We have spoken many times on that topic and will continue to do so.  That is energy well spent and should be at the forefront of our efforts.  With that being said, however, we do want to help couples successfully manage their families after a divorce has occurred.  In particular, I’m going to discuss parenting after the divorce. Below is a common description of what I have witnessed and experienced in my work as a school counselor over the past 20 years.

After differences become “irreconcilable”, couples are often stirred with emotions such as: pain, hurt, anger, jealousy, anxiety, and depression.  The idea of working with the person that they once said, “till death do us part”, brings up a well of nausea. Words like hate, stupid, jerk, selfish, along with a cast of other words unfit to put in print start to get thrown back and forth to each other.  Sometimes, it even feels good to use such derogatory words to describe their ex-spouse. Then reality hits… “Ugh, we have three children together. I have to deal with this idiot for the next 18 years! OMG!”

This is a serious crossroads in determining how well a family is going to fare through this difficult time.  When a divorced spouse responds out of those charged emotions, they often feel justified to speak negativity toward their ex-spouse.  But at what expense? This is what I have seen in my 20 years working with families. Couples who parent out of hurt and emotion are setting their children up for trouble. Parenting out of emotion often creates immediate turmoil in the family and long term issues for the child.

Initially, children are hurt and confused by the attitude and approach divorced parents take toward one another. They are saddened by any critical words and quickly start to resent one or both parents if the criticism continues or festers.  As they grow, children become desensitized to the critical speech and even begin to use it to their benefit. They begin to harden to the divorce, and approach life as a more self-centered survivor. They may even say or think things like, “I can’t worry about making them happy. I can only make myself happy.”  At that point, they begin to approach their relationship with both parents as a way to take care of their needs and desires. They stop worrying or caring about anyone else but themselves.

Children of divorce can become masters at manipulation as they try to adapt to their new normal.  They begin to work the parents against each other to meet their own needs. They make comments like, “I wished I lived with dad!”  “Mom doesn’t make us do this.” “You’re mean, you’re always on my case.” Often times, this creates a tension where the child may even demand to leave one parent and go live with the other.  If left unchecked, parents may find themselves with very confused, selfish, and disruptive children who sabotage every environment they enter. In many cases, these children struggle with coping skills and begin to demonstrate these destructive behaviors in a multitude of settings: school, home, teams, etc.  As children of divorce grow into adulthood, we often see them take these same unhealthy patterns into their careers and future relationships. They sabotage them with the same destructive behaviors, and the cycle continues.

How do we stop the insanity?  First, let me state up front, divorce is typically not good and frequently involves a great deal of hurt in all directions.  Husbands and wives should do everything possible to avoid divorce by working towards reconciliation and healing of the marriage.  

However, if someone has already found themselves in a divorce situation, here are some essentials to successfully parenting children to become well-adjusted and healthy adults.   

1. Time needs to be equally split between both parents.  Many divorces place the children with one parent a majority of the time while the other receives visits and weekend sleepovers.  This may be convenient, but research has proven it to be detrimental to children and even parents. https://www.statnews.com/2017/05/26/divorce-shared-parenting-children-health/

2. Put feelings aside and focus on raising the children.  I know this is easier said than done when emotions are charged and there has been lots of hurt and betrayal.  But, if parents want to start healing and provide the best parenting possible for their children, they have to dig deep and swallow their pride. They must put aside the hurt feelings and start cooperating with the other parent.  

3. This is not about you.  It is about your children! Just as a couple would discuss how to handle various situations concerning their children if they were married, a divorce couple needs to work hard to have these same discussions after divorce.  

4. Privately set ground rules ahead of time. Maybe there are certain topics that need to be off limits due to past issues, but both parents must agree that the welfare of the child is a top priority.  Divorce parents need to set up healthy boundaries for conversations. They will need to keep focused on what is best for the child and keep the other junk off the table.

5. Never talk bad about your “X” around the children.  This is often a selfish way divorced parents try to manipulate the child to see their point of view and jump on their side.  When parents use negative talk to manipulate, they soon find the child mimicking it as well. This will eventually come back to hurt the entire family especially the child. Divorced parents need to stay respectable and civil toward each other regardless of how much they have been hurt.

6. Reinforce what each parent stands for or enforces in their home.  Even if they don’t completely agree, a divorced parent should never undermine the authority and rules of the other parent. Parents will be doing their children a huge favor if things like curfew, privileges, chores, etc are agreed upon and enforced regardless of what house they are in. If parents work hard to find common rules, the child may not like it but they will feel safe and secure no matter what home they are in.

Parenting after divorce is the ultimate lesson in civility. I have seen amazing outcomes when parents make the choice to drop their selfish ways and do what is best for the children.  Doing this creates a multi-generational payoff. Not doing this leads to a multi-generational debt.

These guidelines are so important to the future of the family. If you or someone you know needs help with this process, please contact Rock Solid Families at 812-576-ROCK, or visit our website at rocksolidfamiles.org. We’d love to help!

My Top Ten List for Discipline

In my last blog, When Did Discipline Become a Dirty Word?, I promised my top ten list of discipline principles we have used when working with families over the past 30 years. We know these principles work, and we are intentional about applying them in our own home. Yes, they are very common sense, but I think as parents we have made this discipline thing too complicated. Keep it simple. Trust me; my wife and I blow it on a regular basis.  But when things get tough in our home, it’s usually because we are not following one of these ten principles. So here’s our Top Ten:

Top Ten List of Discipline Practices:

1. Be An Authoritative Parent Not An Authoritarian One -Did you even know there was a difference?  Authoritative parenting simply means your children know who’s in charge and they trust and respect your leadership.  The authoritative parent demonstrates what the family values through a consistent example. Authoritative parents model things like hard work, strong academics, faith, manners, respect, honesty, integrity, etc. You determine your home’s environment, educate, and then reinforce those values in your children. Think of yourself as the captain of the team.  The captain leads, and the team follows because they trust the captain. There is peace and order in the home, because the kids know mom and dad have a plan and know how to carry it out. Many parents confuse this with being an authoritarian where there is super high expectation and little freedom and communication. That’s not what we are talking about. That’s more like being a dictator. Remember... Rules without relationship equal rebellion.  

2. Model and Teach Them To Serve Others- You may already be shaking your head because as good as that sounds on paper, your children are still not following your lead. Hang with me. Children come into this world as selfish beings. This selfishness usually begins to rear its ugly head between the ages of 2-3 years old, which is why they call it the “Terrible Twos”  If our kids have any chance at all at being well adjusted, successful adults, they must learn how to serve others. When children learn to serve and help others, they learn to live for something bigger than themselves, whether it be their family, team, community, business, etc. When they don’t learn to be good servants, they become selfish individuals that range from being annoying to being dangerous and self-destructive.

3. Model and Teach Good Character -Often, we think of good character as just having good manners, but it goes far beyond manners.  Good character includes: honesty, trust, integrity, work ethic, responsibility, self-control, and resourcefulness just to name a few.  Yes, parents should expect these attributes to be enforced at school, but first and foremost, they start in the home. This is best done by modeling it to your children, and then expecting it from them in return.

4. Model And Teach Respect and Obedience for Authority - Respect for authority is essential in in developing your child’s gifts, talents, skills, and aptitude. If your child is left to think they are in charge and know what’s best, they will fall short of all God has planned for their life. Adults like teachers, coaches, mentors, pastors, police, firemen, etc. have a tremendous opportunity to influence and help our children grow to their fullest potential.  That’s only if the child is raised to honor, listen, and learn. The fastest way to lose this positive influence and growth opportunity in your child is for YOU to argue with the authority figures in your child’s life. Disagreeing with teachers, coaches, referees, police, etc. only shows your child disrespect for authority. This is not to say authority figures don’t make mistakes, but it’s still important to always treat them with respect and the benefit of the doubt.

5. Set Reasonable And Clear Expectations -As a parent, it’s important to let your children know what you expect up front.  At the age of two or so, you can begin to let your child know what you expect in your home.  Whether it’s to say “please and thank you” or to return a toy back to its proper place. These are things that you must make clear.  Otherwise, you will find yourself frustrated when your child doesn’t behave like you think they should. You often will take it as misbehaving, when in fact, you simply have made your expectations clear.

6. Enforce And Follow Up on Expectations -So often I am asked, what is the best technique for discipline. Is it rewards, spankings, timeouts, remove privileges, chores, etc? Let me be clear, it is not about the technique or consequence you use.  The best form of discipline is the one that is effective, safe, and implemented consistently in an age-appropriate way. I have seen positive rewards work and fail. I have seen spankings work and fail. I have seen raising your voice work and fail.  My point is this; come to an agreement with your partner on what you are going to enforce. Let your child know what your expectations are, and then enforce those expectations using an effective, safe, and age-appropriate discipline. Most parents believe they are disciplining their child when they are yelling all the time, or telling their child to do something over and over again.  If you have to constantly yell or repeat yourself multiple times, you are not using an effective approach to discipline. You may have to change a consequence depending on it’s effectiveness, but your values and expectations should be consistent. Believe it or not, those consistent values and expectations are what gives your child emotional peace and security. Even when they don’t like the consequences.

7. Talk Less; Act More -We can all fall guilty with this.  I can’t tell you how many times I have sat in my office with a student and talked way too much about how to solve a problem.  The student would nod as if he understood what I was saying, and I would think “yes, he’s getting it”! Only to have the student walk out of my office and commit the same offense 20 minutes later.  Ugh! Bottom line - talk is cheap when it comes to discipline.  Lay out your expectations, let the child know what the consequences will be, both good and bad, and then carry them out!  If you are telling your child five times to pick up their shoes with no consequences, then you are sending a loud message that you really don’t mean what you say.  Mean what you say and say what you mean. Your expectation should be- when I ask you to do something I mean it! Yes, they may not do it the first time, but make sure they experience a consequence if they don’t. This creates a clear expectation, which creates predictability and ultimately results in security for the child.

8. Follow Up with Love and Encouragement- So often when discipline is taking place, emotions are usually running high. There is often a storm brewing inside the mind of the child, and quite often, inside the mind of the parent.  There is anger, fear, anxiety, frustration- you name it. Humans have a difficult time using both the emotional side and the logical side of the brain at the same time. For this reason, when the parent is disciplining, he or she needs to refrain from using too many words.  I have been guilty of thinking that the more I talk and explain myself, the more they will understand. WRONG! When the child’s brain is emotionally charged, they are hearing very little of what you are saying. They are just thinking, “oh no, what’s going to happen next?”.  So, be of few words, say what needs to be said, then allow a time for emotions to settle. This may be 30 - 60 minutes. Once you have seen the emotions calm, then it is essential for you to follow up with your child. This is when you briefly recap what the discipline was for, and what your expectations will be in the future. This is when you let your child know that you were upset with a specific behavior, but your love for them is unwavering. Once this conversation is finished, do not continue to rehash or throw it back into their face. Let it go and move on! 

9. Encourage And Praise Often - You are your child’s number one fan! You are their first mentor, provider, and encourager. Most every word that comes out of your mouth carries incredible influence in the life of your child.  More than buying gifts and material rewards, your child thrives on your honest praise and encouragement.  I say honest, because false praise and encouragement can be more detrimental than good. Don’t falsely inflate your child’s self-concept.  Yes, they need to be effectively corrected and told when they have done something wrong and ways to improve. Please refrain from giving gifts and rewards for expected behaviors.  Your words are so valuable, they mean so much more in the long run than any gift you could give. Make sure to encourage the things you value like their effort, attitude, or sportsmanship.  

10. Never Argue With Your Child -Yes, I said NEVER.  When you argue with your child, you send the message that they have the ability to change who you are as the parent and what you stand for.  If they feel like they won you over once, you can guarantee they will push back over and over again. Think back for a moment, would you ever even imagined arguing with your parents?  As a kid, I was frequently annoyed and upset with my parents, but the idea of arguing with them, especially as a young child, never crossed my mind. I clearly understood they were in charge, and I lived in THEIR house.  As a parent, don’t argue or negotiate with your child, until you can trust their value system. Once you trust that they are operating with a similar set of values, then you can allow more back and forth conversation and let them weigh in on different decisions.   

In the end, your child needs you to be their leader and encourager.  They need to learn from your example. More is caught than ever taught. This top ten list is what we use in our home to develop mental, physical, social, and emotional tools in our children. Research has shown these tools to be essential in growing to be a well-adjusted successful adult.  So set the values, goals, and expectations you want for your family, model them in your home, and don’t look back. Our kids are counting on us!