“Do you think my parents should be allowed to snoop through my phone?”
This was a question Linda Hutchinson, Executive Director of Rock Solid Families, overheard at her local swimming pool. Three teenage girls carried on about how parents shouldn’t be allowed to go through their phones and “snoop” into their private lives. One even jokingly said it should be illegal and that they should call the police on their parents.
But the question still remains, do parents have the right to look at their kids’ phones? In short, the answer is yes. Let me explain…
The way of the world has shifted and parents have created an equal level of authority between them and their children. This often is caused by wanting to be the “cool” parents, or because parents don’t want to hurt their children’s feelings. This has led to many kids having free reign when it comes to using digital devices.
There are three questions parents can ask themselves to find the correct answer to the “Do we have the right to look at their phone” question...
1.) Do we, the parents, own the phone / pay the bill?
2.) Does the child live in our home?
3.) Is the child a minor? (Under the age of 18.)
If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, then the answer is simple: Yes - you have the right and the responsibility to monitor your child’s digital device, whether its a phone, gaming console, smart TV, or iPad. All of these devices were mentioned because believe it or not, your children have full access to the internet through many devices, not just phones and computers.
Below are four different ways that as parents, you can help guide your family and children down the right path in a digitally crazed world.
1.) Be clear about what digital devices you will allow in your home:
As mentioned, there are many ways that children can access the World Wide Web. iPads, phones, computers, Xbox/PlayStation, and even Google and Alexa devices all grant users full access to the internet, bad content, strangers from around the world and so much more. Limiting devices will help parents better monitor their child’s digital use.
2.) Parents need to be on the same page when it comes to the level of access and freedom when allowing children to use digital devices.
Even if you are divorced, discussing the use and access that children have on digital devices should be done privately before setting the rules with the children. Parents being on the same page eliminates the chance of the child putting you against each other because “well dad said I could …”. (have social media, use this website, play online gaming… etc.) If expectations are clear among the whole house, or even across two households, it creates unity among the parents, the children, and the whole family unit.
Some great resources for helping families set boundaries on digital devices can be found on the Protect Young Eyes website, as well as the Wait Until 8th website.
3.) Enforce the rules you set.
You’ve already established what devices are acceptable, and set up clear boundaries regarding the level of access when your child uses the devices, so now it’s time for parents to be parents and enforce the rules. Let your children know that if expectations and trust are broken, there will be consequences. For example, if they aren’t allowed to have social media, but make an account anyway, maybe the consequence is taking away devices. It may cause an undesirable reaction from your child, but it is important to stick to your rules! If we waiver and don’t enforce the rules, they won’t be taken seriously.
4.) Establish screen free time and tech-free zones.
This will look different for each family, but some examples are no phones at the dinner table, no devices in bedrooms after 8:00 pm, tech-free family movie nights, etc. Parents, this does not only apply to the kids. Lead by example and follow your expectations. If they see you taking it seriously, they are more likely to see the importance of this time as well. Use this to connect with your children without any distractions present.
A great book to read that dives deeper into the dangers of screen time and the benefits of a screen-free world (or at least reduced screen time) is by author Jonathan Haidt, called The Anxious Generation. This book discusses the over-parenting and under-parenting that has led to a whole generation of anxious children, with a lot of research on the impact of screen time.
Parents, no matter where you are in your parenting journey, it is not too late. Step up and be the parents God designed you to be and the parents your kids need you to be. Don’t let them miss out on fun, making memories, learning, connecting, and growing because they are distracted by a screen. It is your responsibility to monitor digital devices that are putting your kids in potential danger. Surround yourself with other parents who align with your rules and expectations - it’s always easier to go through parenthood when you are part of a supportive community.