Over our 30 plus years of working with families in the school and church worlds, we have seen our share of guilty parenting. What do we mean by the term guilty parenting? We would say it’s making decisions for our children (sometimes very unhealthy ones) out of a pervasive feeling of not measuring up or doing enough. It’s very common today to find parents comparing their children and their family to those they see on the internet, next door, or in their ex-spouse’s home and making decisions out of the wrong motives. We see parents every day making decisions in order to help their child or family “measure up” or “beat out” someone or something.
On our podcast this week, we address one of the major causes of guilty parenting, divorce. We see this every day in our office as a divorced mom or dad, unknowingly and unintentionally, plays a bad game of tug of war against their ex-spouse with the heart of their child. They make moves to “win” the heart of their child that they normally would not make if there wasn’t someone else to beat out. They compromise and justify their actions to others by saying things like “Everyone is doing it.” Or “I don’t want my child to feel left out”.
You don’t have to have divorce in your home to be tempted by guilty parenting. Just open your phone or turn on the TV. We are bombarded by messages all around us telling us we need to buy our child “this” or take them to do “that” or enroll them in all of these activities because otherwise, they will be “left behind”. If you have teens like we do, they want their lives to be “Instagram worthy”. They want it to be cool enough to snap, post, or share.
One of the greatest sources of guilty parenting we see walking in our office is the decision around phones and our kids. We work with so many parents who out of guilt or obligation gave their child a phone way before the child was emotionally ready to handle one. I can not tell you how many times I have heard a parent in our office say, “I didn’t want them to be the only one in their class without a phone”. The pressure between divorced parents exacerbates the situation even worse. You know what I mean. A 10 yr old child of divorce asks mom for a phone, and she says NO not yet. I don’t think you need one yet or are ready to handle the responsibility. So what does the 10 yr old do next? She goes and asks dad. With a bat of those baby blue eyes and a pretty please to boot, he feels the pressure to grant her wish. After all, he only sees her every other weekend. He doesn’t want to make her mad or crush her dreams of that brand new Iphone. Not to mention she’s been telling all her friends that her daddy is going to buy her a new phone for her birthday because he loves her so much.
Does that sound familiar? It has happened in our home too. Not the divorce part, but the pressure from our kids to give or do because that would somehow make us the “cool mom” or the “fun dad”. Let’s face it. Our kids are master manipulators. They learn it very early when they start to notice that their cry gets them a cookie or a piggy back ride. That’s when we as parents have to step in and help them understand. YOU are the child, and I am the parent. If we don’t nip this master manipulation in the bud early on with our kids and in our parenting, we create what we lovingly call a “monster”.
Take the time this week to tune in to our podcast, Divorce and Guilty Parenting. It’s a great show for any parent trying to keep those monsters from invading and taking over their home.
To WATCH the entire episode of Divorce and Guilty Parenting on Rock Solid Radio, click HERE
To LISTEN the entire episode of Divorce and Guilty Parenting on Rock Solid Radio, click HERE